My husband has lost his job and savings

[anamelikenoother]

My husband's employer hasn't been paying him properly for over a year. It's a small company and they're financially unstable. He's currently three months out of pocket and it's possible he won't recoup any of those losses - it's our entire safety net. He's essentially let his boss take advantage of him for months.
He's been looking for work for months already but isn't having much luck.
We currently live abroad so we might have to move back to the UK and into our VERY small house. We haven't lived there since we had our three kids and there's barely space for two adults. I'm terrified of how we'll cope but we don't have much choice as we can't survive here on my salary alone.
I'm so heartbroken and disappointed. I'm trying to be a supportive wife (his confidence has taken a massive knock) but I'm so incredibly annoyed and I don't know if I can get past this in terms of how I see him. It's like his brain can't function - I'm having to guide him through all of this but I work in a senior role and have huge pressures on me already at the moment.
Please tell me it's possible to regain respect once it's lost - he's a wonderful father and I don't want this to affect my marriage but I'm not sure how to get past this.
Thanks for reading.

What do you think he should have done differently - if he didn't have another job to go to?

That's a good question. I guess I wish he would have started looking for another job much sooner. It's been over a year of not being paid regularly and with a young baby the uncertainty was really unnerving.

He's had his head in the sand about it for a while now and I feel really angry with him for not checking out sooner.

He really needs my support and I'm really trying but I'm so exhausted and scared of what might happen next that I'm worried resentment will just continue to build up. I feel like I can't tell him how I feel because I don't want to kick him while he's down.

So what have you been saying to him turn the past year? You must have known what was going on?

I have been in a similar position. Dh was confident he would pick good work at the same money freelance very soo0n. It didn't happen and I was sick with worry. Tried upping my own income but hit a limit. It was a very rocky, stressful few years to get back on financially stable ground. But it has left a kind of rolling resentment because I fee he could have handled it better.

I've been clear that I don't trust his employer and encouraged him to look elsewhere. I've told him that as long as the incentives are good enough that I'd support a big move if he finds the right thing. He's taken so long to 'get ready' to look for other work that he's let months go past with no money coming in that we are nearly out of options.

I'm sorry you have been through this too. It's so stressful. My husband says the same about freelance but it's almost too late - it's not cheap to be where we are very likely to have to move country and uproot the whole family. I'm so worried I'll find this hard to forgive.
I'm doing the same with my own income but like yours, it has a limit. I've been paying my way, including going back to work when my baby was tiny.

I think it's so much easier to look back on a situation and realise what you should have done than when you're in the moment. At the time he probably was being reassured, and want to believe, that it was a temporary blip. He has been looking for several months so he has been trying. I can see how it's very frustrating and worrying for you but I don't think how he's behaved is unnatural.

Are there any employment protections wherever you are even if it's a last resort in reporting the company?

It sounds like you’ve known about this the whole time? If he can’t find another job and the employer won’t pay him properly what else is he suppose to do? I don’t understand why you’ve lost respect for him.

Thank you. I think I need to hear this. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this at the moment (he's mortified and isn't ready to yet so I don't want to till he's ready) and I'm sure I'm overthinking it all. Because it's all I can think about.

He spoke to my lawyer last week and no. Nothing he can do if the money's not there!

You are pretty lucky that you have a house to move back to if you have to.

I guess I have needed him to step up and recognize how dire the situation has been, rather than taking so long to look for other work. He's been looking for months but only applied to a couple of jobs. He took weeks to put together his CV.

I listened to a recorded conversation with his boss and he basically admitted to my husband that he couldn't afford the redundancy process so he's letting people get frustrated and leave without having to pay out. My husband can't seem to interpret this - I'm having to spell it all out to him.

I'm ashamed to say that I think I'm affected by what other people think. I had talked to some friends and family before it got this bad and they all said things along the lines of "he's not asking for what he needs"/"he's too nice". What they're saying is that he's weak.

We are and I do appreciate that. The mortgage is high and we might not be able to move anywhere bigger given how mad the housing market is right now, but it's a home and we'll make it work.

Are you in the ME. I had a few friends working in construction there and literally every one of them came home due to a similar circumstance. It is very difficult in the short term but all of them have thrived in the medium term.

I'm sure I'm overthinking it all. Because it's all I can think about.

Financial problems, especially when you have children, are always overwhelming and dog your every thought. Everyone would be the same. And it's totally understandable that you're angry that you're basically financially supporting his company.
Obviously for your life, you have to tackle how you can put finances together to move forward. But for your relationship, it's important to consider how you got to this point and the human fallibility we show when hoping and wanting to believe things will get better. It's so easy to let one month slip into another and suddenly 6 months has gone and things haven't improved. I'm not trying to say how or if your relationship should continue, just that we are all guilty of making imperfect decisions whilst having the best of intentions.
Good luck.

It sounds like you're only going to start respecting him again when he gets a new job and stands up for himself.

could you maybe try to draw a mental line between discovering your husband isn’t infallible and losing all respect for him?

we’re all human and it’s normal to believe that things are going to work out, even in the face of objective evidence that it won’t. Once you’ve sunk your time, money and familial happiness into a life built on a job, you’d desperately hope it’d come good rather than accept it’s a mess.

Shame is crippling for some people, and not helped by blame from close quarters.

i find that forgiveness is a decision. You’re sabotaging it if you are expecting not to and questioning it. Forgive or don’t, it’s on you.

I'm ashamed to say that I think I'm affected by what other people think. I had talked to some friends and family before it got this bad and they all said things along the lines of "he's not asking for what he needs"/"he's too nice". What they're saying is that he's weak.

I think you'll find that it's you who is saying he is weak and then projecting that onto your family and friends.
Worrying about what other people think is not going to help your family out of this situation. Having open communication and starting to be truthful about what is feasible at the moment - ie staying or moving back to UK - and then making a plan and being united and proactive in implementing it is your best course of action right now. Its understandable you're angry and disappointed, enough maybe to even end the relationship, which is something you'll have to consider and communicate about, I guess.
And of course, without knowing what the employment laws are where you are, looking into constructive dismissal at some point might be an option. But as you said, if there's no money, there's not much hope of an award of compensation if the firm goes into liquidation/bankruptcy

I'm sorry this is happening to your family. In my experience (only mine) I have found that once the level of respect had deteriorated it is difficult to get back. I am still with my DH but I will never feel for him like I did.

Are you working at all ?

Yes
OP said that they cannot support them out there on her salary alone

Shame is such a destructive emotion. Not related to your post but do watch Brene Brown on shame on YouTube. Very accessible and she also has many books to read too. I found it enlightening and I have discussed with my children.

Another view could be that he appears to have tried to see the good in the boss and company. He may be a positive person or someone who does not like change or giving up.

This is probably a stupid question but is he registered with employment agencies?

Hi OP,
Does the country have the equivalent of small claims court?
Here in a small business (unless it was a limited company) the owner would be personally liable so their house, personal savings etc would be assets that could be drawn on.

I think the huge financial stress you are under makes it hard to see the wood from the trees regarding your relationship. Why not wait to see how it is when your finances are more stable whether in the UK or wherever.

Personally I think you should try to take the rough with the smooth and not bale out of your relationship because your husband is struggling. Perhaps it is your turn to be the main earner? Why is it OK for your earning to be limited but not his?

It is an enormous life changing wrench to have to leave somewhere you love, but if you do have to you won't be the first.
Does your very small house only have one bedroom? I'm wondering if you have lost perspective and it is, in fact, a fairly ordinary house?

It sounds like your husband is now struggling with his mental health (when you say you have to help him with everything) so it may be that you do need to move back if you can't support your family and the country you are in don't have a safety net to help you manage. (do they?)

My husband had to take a step back and go part time due to stress at work when I was a stay at home mum and ever since we both work. I was only ever concerned about him and feel I have an equal responsibility to provide for our family and it was my turn to step up. I also had to leave an area I loved and hoped to stay in due to this change. It was tough and life changing to accept that that dream wasn't to be but sometimes we don't get the life that we wanted. It is tough but for us there have been compensations like being near grandparents. I think your family needs you to be the strong one right now and make some decisions.