Page 2 | My husband has lost his job and savings

anamelikenoother · 2023-03-20T12:09:30+00:00

My husband's employer hasn't been paying him properly for over a year. It's a small company and they're financially unstable. He's currently three months out of pocket and it's possible he won't recoup any of those losses - it's our entire safety net. He's essentially let his boss take advantage of him for months. He's been looking for work for months already but isn't having much luck. We currently live abroad so we might have to move back to the UK and into our VERY small house. We haven't lived there since we had our three kids and there's barely space for two adults. I'm terrified of how we'll cope but we don't have much choice as we can't survive here on my salary alone. I'm so heartbroken and disappointed. I'm trying to be a supportive wife (his confidence has taken a massive knock) but I'm so incredibly annoyed and I don't know if I can get past this in terms of how I see him. It's like his brain can't function - I'm having to guide him through all of this but I work in a senior role and have huge pressures on me already at the moment. Please tell me it's possible to regain respect once it's lost - he's a wonderful father and I don't want this to affect my marriage but I'm not sure how to get past this. Thanks for reading.

Littlewhitecat · 20/03/2023 15:16

Sounds like he's got completely stuck in the fallacy of sunk costs - which is really easy to do in this situation. Who wants to believe that your employer isn't going to come good and pay you. If he leaves he's lost that money b so he stays losing more money in the vain hope that the situation will improve. Sounds like you may have reached the point you need to cut your losses.

A couple of things that weren't clear how have you lost all your savings? And if you haven't lived in your UK house since you had three kids you must have been living overseas for quite some time. Are you renting where you are and renting out your UK home? If you are could you downsize in your current location and save some money that way? It's going to be a lot less disruptive than emigrating again.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 20/03/2023 15:52

anamelikenoother · 20/03/2023 14:09

I guess I have needed him to step up and recognize how dire the situation has been, rather than taking so long to look for other work. He's been looking for months but only applied to a couple of jobs. He took weeks to put together his CV.

I listened to a recorded conversation with his boss and he basically admitted to my husband that he couldn't afford the redundancy process so he's letting people get frustrated and leave without having to pay out. My husband can't seem to interpret this - I'm having to spell it all out to him.

I'm ashamed to say that I think I'm affected by what other people think. I had talked to some friends and family before it got this bad and they all said things along the lines of "he's not asking for what he needs"/"he's too nice". What they're saying is that he's weak.

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He does sound weak. I’m sorry, that might be harsh. Why on earth has he only applied to a couple of jobs? Seeing as you had to shoot back to work shortly after your baby was born, I can well understand your resentment and lack of respect for him.

Original poster

anamelikenoother · 20/03/2023 16:31

tara66 · 20/03/2023 14:44

This is probably a stupid question but is he registered with employment agencies?

Yes he is. He's been put forward for a couple of roles but nothing's come through yet. Frankly he's looking a bit scruffy at the moment so I think he's really low and trying to get through as best he can. But I'm exhausted too and losing patience when I have to remind him to get a haircut etc.

I don't feel like I have to mother him, but I seem to have the entire mental load right now and I'm three steps ahead in planning. I'm exhausted by the stress of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

anamelikenoother · 20/03/2023 16:35

Littlewhitecat · 20/03/2023 15:16

Sounds like he's got completely stuck in the fallacy of sunk costs - which is really easy to do in this situation. Who wants to believe that your employer isn't going to come good and pay you. If he leaves he's lost that money b so he stays losing more money in the vain hope that the situation will improve. Sounds like you may have reached the point you need to cut your losses.

A couple of things that weren't clear how have you lost all your savings? And if you haven't lived in your UK house since you had three kids you must have been living overseas for quite some time. Are you renting where you are and renting out your UK home? If you are could you downsize in your current location and save some money that way? It's going to be a lot less disruptive than emigrating again.

Savings as in available money. We've been using it to live on because he essentially hasn't been paid since before Christmas. He's definitely been played by his boss who has downplayed the gravity of the situation but it's not like he didn't have plenty of warning that this might happen.
We are renting here and renting our UK house. We are looking at downsizing here but we have additional expenses here that we wouldn't have in the UK, like school fees.

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Original poster

anamelikenoother · 20/03/2023 16:43

Winter2020 · 20/03/2023 14:55

Hi OP,
Does the country have the equivalent of small claims court?
Here in a small business (unless it was a limited company) the owner would be personally liable so their house, personal savings etc would be assets that could be drawn on.

I think the huge financial stress you are under makes it hard to see the wood from the trees regarding your relationship. Why not wait to see how it is when your finances are more stable whether in the UK or wherever.

Personally I think you should try to take the rough with the smooth and not bale out of your relationship because your husband is struggling. Perhaps it is your turn to be the main earner? Why is it OK for your earning to be limited but not his?

It is an enormous life changing wrench to have to leave somewhere you love, but if you do have to you won't be the first.
Does your very small house only have one bedroom? I'm wondering if you have lost perspective and it is, in fact, a fairly ordinary house?

It sounds like your husband is now struggling with his mental health (when you say you have to help him with everything) so it may be that you do need to move back if you can't support your family and the country you are in don't have a safety net to help you manage. (do they?)

My husband had to take a step back and go part time due to stress at work when I was a stay at home mum and ever since we both work. I was only ever concerned about him and feel I have an equal responsibility to provide for our family and it was my turn to step up. I also had to leave an area I loved and hoped to stay in due to this change. It was tough and life changing to accept that that dream wasn't to be but sometimes we don't get the life that we wanted. It is tough but for us there have been compensations like being near grandparents. I think your family needs you to be the strong one right now and make some decisions.

Thank you for your message. I think there's an element of being so clouded by stress that I'm overthinking it and redirecting my sadness at the situation into anger at him.

But I think there's some residual resentment at having to be the strong one more generally and having to hold up the family. Even when I was having my babies, there was no consideration of me taking time off. It's never been an option for me, yet he's joked about being the supported one in the past and now this has happened. I would love to have been able to be a sahm for just a year, but I've been back at work within 6 months of each of my kids. 3 months for the youngest.

He's been supported by his parents, I never have. I can't fully contemplate being looked after and I think he takes the security net(s) for granted.

And our house is tiny - I'm sure about that! We were hoping to buy somewhere bigger before moving back but that won't be an option until he can get steady employment.

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Original poster

anamelikenoother · 20/03/2023 16:46

Wolvesandcacti · 20/03/2023 14:38

Shame is such a destructive emotion. Not related to your post but do watch Brene Brown on shame on YouTube. Very accessible and she also has many books to read too. I found it enlightening and I have discussed with my children.

Another view could be that he appears to have tried to see the good in the boss and company. He may be a positive person or someone who does not like change or giving up.

I love this talk of hers! Thanks for the reminder - time for a rewatch.

He's definitely been optimistic about the situation. He's a very nice man, but as implied below, he can be seen as weak. I don't think I ever truly thought he was but I'm starting to feel differently and I think that's what is upsetting me so much.

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GingerBoot · 20/03/2023 16:47

Frankly he's looking a bit scruffy at the moment so I think he's really low and trying to get through as best he can. But I'm exhausted too and losing patience when I have to remind him to get a haircut etc.

I don't feel like I have to mother him

Isn't having to remind a grown, intelligent adult to have a haircut so he looks presentable for job interviews (or just in life generally) the very definition of having to mother someone?

Nutellanjam · 20/03/2023 16:56

Depending where you are, can you try and budget as much as poss until he has work. Eg Are you somewhere where you can switch to local school for a bit ? Especially if kids are small - could this be an opp to learn the language

TomPinch · 20/03/2023 17:12

anamelikenoother · 20/03/2023 16:31

Yes he is. He's been put forward for a couple of roles but nothing's come through yet. Frankly he's looking a bit scruffy at the moment so I think he's really low and trying to get through as best he can. But I'm exhausted too and losing patience when I have to remind him to get a haircut etc.

I don't feel like I have to mother him, but I seem to have the entire mental load right now and I'm three steps ahead in planning. I'm exhausted by the stress of it.

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He sounds ground down. He's lost his job: your feeling is that he's weak, you're losing respect for him, and that you're carrying the entire mental load?

I accept that what you've described is a tricky situation but I think you need to take a moment.

Inject · 20/03/2023 18:00

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AgentJohnson · 20/03/2023 18:17

Do you have a hard deadline for him to find a new job? However given his current state, I don’t hold out much hope. Your H needs to be applying for jobs in the U.K too.

You need to start making plans now for a return to the U.K. Don’t make the same mistake your H made by leaving it too late. The uncertainty is stressing you out and contingency plans could help temper that stress.

For now you are going to have to park your resentment, well just until you have a plan.

Lovingmynewbicycle · 20/03/2023 18:29

If your UK property is currently let, how are you expecting to occupy it on your return?

Dicktimsabound · 20/03/2023 18:31

What the hell happened to ' for better or worse, in sickness or health'?

Do you not think your DH is well aware of the situation he is in? Perhaps he is depressed and some what paralysed with letting you down, knowing full well how influenced you are by others and doesn't feel you have his back. What is shameful is your attitude.

Onemorewaferthinmint · 20/03/2023 18:34

I would guess that your husband is very aware that your plan b) is unattractive. He probably knows also that while you are still employed that you can at least survive. That’s made him opt for the status quo rather than moving back. I guess as a family you also want to wait until summer/the end of the school year.

Is there a way you can take some time out to reconnect? Go on holiday and leave the stress behind? It would help either now or as something to look towards.

tara66 · 20/03/2023 18:39

Dicktimsabound · 20/03/2023 18:31

What the hell happened to ' for better or worse, in sickness or health'?

Do you not think your DH is well aware of the situation he is in? Perhaps he is depressed and some what paralysed with letting you down, knowing full well how influenced you are by others and doesn't feel you have his back. What is shameful is your attitude.

Is this post meant to be helpful? Not helpful at all to a woman with 3 very young kids who has to be the main support of the family where the man has to be told to get hair cut for job interview? Why bother to drag someone down like this?

GingerBoot · 20/03/2023 18:40

Go on holiday and leave the stress behind?

OP is claiming poverty to the point all their savings are gone and they might have to sell house - are you suggesting a 5* luxury escape to lessen the stress of possibly being unable to afford mortgage. Sensible, sound advice, typical of MN

Original poster

anamelikenoother · 20/03/2023 20:12

tara66 · 20/03/2023 18:39

Is this post meant to be helpful? Not helpful at all to a woman with 3 very young kids who has to be the main support of the family where the man has to be told to get hair cut for job interview? Why bother to drag someone down like this?

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Thank you.

I'm trying so hard to be supportive but I'm devastated and struggling too. I'm entitled to have feelings about our situation and I'm using mumsnet to get my head around it all rather than offloading onto him. I might seem unreasonable to a bunch of strangers online but I'd rather that than to him right now.

I'd love a holiday but unless something changes, it's unlikely!

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neverendinglauaundry · 20/03/2023 20:20

Sorry this has happened to you both.
I think that your anger would be better directed at the company than at your husband. His reaction is understandable if not ideal. We all have ups and downs in life and we all make questionable decisions. It's all about what you do now as a team.
Good luck!

Blip · 20/03/2023 20:38

I agree that this is about how you move forward together as a team.
Life throws some curve balls sometimes. With hindsight we could all have made better decisions but we do the best we can at the time.

Dealing with hard life shit can bring you closer and make your relationship stronger. I hope this will happen for you OP.

Whatthefnow · 20/03/2023 20:49

Oh gosh, I feel sorry for him. I can't fathom why you seem to have lost respect for him so quickly. I do understand that you're also stressed but right now he must feel like the weight of the world is on his shoulders and he's to blame.

I'd be pulling together on this one.

Mumsnet is great for venting but you have to be careful not to let the responses make your mind up for you

Best of luck op.

Dicktimsabound · 20/03/2023 21:32

anamelikenoother · 20/03/2023 20:12

Thank you.

I'm trying so hard to be supportive but I'm devastated and struggling too. I'm entitled to have feelings about our situation and I'm using mumsnet to get my head around it all rather than offloading onto him. I might seem unreasonable to a bunch of strangers online but I'd rather that than to him right now.

I'd love a holiday but unless something changes, it's unlikely!

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"his confidence has taken a massive knock) but I'm so incredibly annoyed and I don't know if I can get past this in terms of how I see him."

"Please tell me it's possible to regain respect once it's lost" - wtf??

Sounds as though you are being entitled and see your family situation as an inconvenience and as though this is something to blame your DH for. If you 'work in a senior role' why don't you concentrate on improving your salary to reflect on your 'senior role' to be able to support your DH instead of crying poor me on MN?

Would you find your nice husband who's also a good father, throwing a pity party full of resentment if the situation was reversed?

Marriage is about team work, being there and supporting each other at all times, even the tough ones. Sit down and work out how you can get through this crisis together.

My DH went to work one morning and suffered a spinal injury. He was 29, the main bread winner. We had a blended family of 5 children two under 4. One at uni, a mortgage and I only worked part time. We had holidays booked, building work going on...BUT we managed, cutting cloth accordingly. They thought he'd be in a wheelchair by the time he was 40 and to limit his life expectations. He had severe depression, suffered intense pain and several ops later began to rebuild his health. It took nearly 3 years for him to recover and get back to work and but we survived. It was tough, I carried us and at times felt exhausted and frustrated.... and sure I could have blamed him for changing and limiting our immediate future but where would it have got us? I was only too grateful every day after his accident that he actually survived.

You need to alter your mindset OP, become his biggest supporter and muddle through, even if it means coming back to UK, living in a smaller house. Would that really be the end of the world?

GingerBoot · 20/03/2023 21:39

@Dicktimsabound I'm not really sure the two scenarios are comparable. I'm sorry for what your husband, and you by extension, went through, but I just can't see the connection

drpet49 · 20/03/2023 22:02

Dicktimsabound · 20/03/2023 18:31

What the hell happened to ' for better or worse, in sickness or health'?

Do you not think your DH is well aware of the situation he is in? Perhaps he is depressed and some what paralysed with letting you down, knowing full well how influenced you are by others and doesn't feel you have his back. What is shameful is your attitude.

I agree with this. Your posts are all me, me me and what other people think.

YRGAM · 20/03/2023 22:07

I personally think you're being harsh on your husband. What if he has quit his job, not found another one, and his previous company returned to liquidity? Would you have 'lost respect' for him then? He's made a choice when he had two options and it's not worked out for him. Right now he needs your support, not you putting all your anger about the situation onto him (and he will be able to tell how you are feeling).

WonderingAboutThus · 18/06/2024 12:09

One thing that might help you soften towards your husband is an understanding that different situations in life call for different attitudes.

For example, I am much more pro-active, hard-nosed and white/black than my husband. In your specific situation, I would have been five steps ahead of him as well and I would be annoyed.

But life is long, and over the course of say forty years, his more laidback attitude might serve you/me well elsewhere and some other time. I can't imagine being married all the time to someone as proactive and high-strung as me! We'd be an exhausting couple.

So maybe tell yourself that even though these traits of his are supremely annoying RIGHT NOW, that is context-dependent and this context, too, shall pass. Presumably there are reasons you married this man with these traits. And they have served you well, and will continue to serve you well, in other circumstances.