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Original poster

My Dp has revealed he has debt- after reassuring me all this time he didn't have any

72 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 20/03/2023 08:37

My DP and I have been together for a few years now. We do not live together. He from the beginning has said he doesn't have much debt- only around £600 on CC and his car loan. We've been trying to save up for a house, and v recently he broke down and said he has around £10 in debt- half overdraft half credit card. Most accumulated through training for his qualification, but that it's been accruing interest which has increased his overall debt. He said he did not want me to worry or walk away which is why he kept it to himself and that he was trying to manage it. But it's eating at him and he wanted advice and for me to look over his finances and help him make sense of what to do. So I did- I worked with CC companies for years, was in debt myself at one point in my life and managed to clear it off years ago. I've consolidated his debt onto an interest free for 18 months. He is on good money and will therefore be debt free within the 18 months max. he's due a bonus soon so that will clear his overdraft. I looked at all his finances and gave him a plan to save and create pots and manage his money.

My issue is should I be concerned that he kept this from me all this time?
Should I be concerned that he racked up 10k?
Does the telling me now and wanting to sort it out outweigh the not telling me when we first started dating?

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 20/03/2023 09:30

I would walk away. As he has already lied and concealed this from you it means you can't trust him and you will have the constant worry that he will do it again in the future.

CaroleSinger · 20/03/2023 09:33

£10 in debt?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2023 09:35

He repeatedly lied to you. It doesn’t matter why, he lies, he’ll do it again, you can’t trust him.

Consider the help you’ve given him a parting gift and walk away.

ArcticSkewer · 20/03/2023 09:37

I'm not sure. What would worry me as well is the 'mummy, help me fix it' and you, mummy, swooping in to solve a grown man's problems. Eventually you will outgrow that rescuer complex but he may not outgrow his victimhood.
Could you see how the debt had accrued and was he telling the truth? if so, is it likely or unlikely to reoccur?
I wouldn't mix finances any time soon but might be willing to withhold judgement

CaroleSinger · 20/03/2023 09:39

Oh right, you've put £10 then 10k.

Personally no, I don't think I'd be walking away over this. Certainly he needs to deal with it but having once been £18k in debt this is pretty small in comparison. What I can tell you is I didn't tell anyone either because there's a huge stigma attached to debt and I felt ashamed. I'm debt free now but there are multiple ways to address it and pay it off without relationships having to end. If he didn't tell you because he's ashamed and felt stigmatized like I did, I'd have felt pretty shitty to then have my loved ones dump me and end relationships with me. Obviously he knew his debt was going to cause issues with your future together. If he has a plan and is going to address it and it won't effect you financially that's one thing, but will this have a knock on effect on you as well?

YukoandHiro · 20/03/2023 09:39

I'm guessing you mean £10k?

The debt isn't really the issue, is it? It's the reception.

YukoandHiro · 20/03/2023 09:39

*DECEPTION

NyanBinaryJohn · 20/03/2023 09:43

CaroleSinger · 20/03/2023 09:33

£10 in debt?

If you'd read to the end you'd have seen the £10k and saved yourself the embarrassment of posting.

OP, I was once that person. I come from a poor background and having money was such a novelty, it made me spend without consideration of the impact. Facing up to it was incredibly hard, but I had to. It's been tough, but DP has stood by me. That being said, we openly talk about finances and I no longer hide behind the shame. Plus it's improved my relationship with money to a healthy level.

How your DP approaches this is key to whether this is in any way workable. I know I am lucky to have an understanding DP and am acutely aware of how it impacted him and his trust in me. I worked hard to rebuild that trust.

You've got to ask yourself:

  1. Could I ever trust him again?
  2. What does he need to do to earn that trust?
  3. Will he genuinely change his ways

Ultimately only you can decide whether this is something you can get past.

CaroleSinger · 20/03/2023 09:44

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/03/2023 09:35

He repeatedly lied to you. It doesn’t matter why, he lies, he’ll do it again, you can’t trust him.

Consider the help you’ve given him a parting gift and walk away.

The thing is people sometimes lie about debt because it's so stigmatized and shameful. I wasn't in a relationship at the time but my friends and family knew. It's not something I really wanted to be public knowledge because I was so ashamed by it. Having climbed out of the mire of debt myself and now being free I'm not sure I would end a relationship over it straight away. I'd want the full extent and to know exactly how it's going to be addressed without impacting on other people. Debt is seen as so shameful that people keep quiet about it all the time.

CaroleSinger · 20/03/2023 09:46

NyanBinaryJohn · 20/03/2023 09:43

If you'd read to the end you'd have seen the £10k and saved yourself the embarrassment of posting.

OP, I was once that person. I come from a poor background and having money was such a novelty, it made me spend without consideration of the impact. Facing up to it was incredibly hard, but I had to. It's been tough, but DP has stood by me. That being said, we openly talk about finances and I no longer hide behind the shame. Plus it's improved my relationship with money to a healthy level.

How your DP approaches this is key to whether this is in any way workable. I know I am lucky to have an understanding DP and am acutely aware of how it impacted him and his trust in me. I worked hard to rebuild that trust.

You've got to ask yourself:

  1. Could I ever trust him again?
  2. What does he need to do to earn that trust?
  3. Will he genuinely change his ways

Ultimately only you can decide whether this is something you can get past.

Show quote history

If you'd read the replies to the end you'd have seen I wasn't the only person to make that mistake. Of course you'll be making sly digs at them as well...

Piffpaffpoff · 20/03/2023 09:57

There are two issues here for me

1 Are you satisfied that he is telling the truth about this the debt came about? I would not be too worried about a debt incurred for a professional qualification but I would be running for the hills if it was gambling/wild spending/ drink/drugs.

2 If you are satisfied with the reason, then move onto the lying. I can understand the shame element and I’d probably not chuck him out if you feel he’s being genuine. But I echo other posters concerns about him wanting you to fix it all.

RebelliousStarrChild · 20/03/2023 10:07

Yes, I would be concerned that he lied in the first place. The amount wouldn't bother me so much. Telling the truth now doesn't outweigh the lie, but it's better than him not telling you at all, I suppose.

How long has he been pretending to save for the house?

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 20/03/2023 10:12

Not a deal breaker...I think as you don't live together and don't have any financials together, he didn't really need to tell you.

I wouldn't tell anyone I was in debt unless I absolutely needed too.

I would ensure he has paid it all off before you decide to have any financial commitments together.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/03/2023 10:16

Sorry I did mean £10,000- it was a typo.

OP posts:
Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 20/03/2023 10:18

He's been trying to save for a house for the last 2 years- It was fuelled when our relationship became serious, and that we saw a future together. Prior to that, owning a house was not much of a priority for him- he was content renting.

OP posts:
premicrois · 20/03/2023 10:21

I left my ex for less.

Lies and deception have no place in a relationship.

Don't ignore the massive £10k warning sign.

He lied because it suited him and he told you be sure it suited him. His loyalty remains firmly with himself.

callthataspade · 20/03/2023 10:23

It's the deceit.

Not a little white lie. But something he's kept from you for years.

Do you trust him? Or are you always going to be wondering if there's anything else he's hiding?

Presumably you've both been saving for a while. You'd made all these plans. All the while he knew they were all fucking pointless because we had all this debt. He was happy to sit by and watch you waste your time.

It's not a partnership is it

And also the fact he can't fucking sort it out for himself and gets you to do it for him is also worrying. Is he usually this incapable and inept? It signals a lifetime of mothering him and I couldn't be arsed with that.

ZekeZeke · 20/03/2023 10:26

You've had access to his statements etc so you have a full view of exactly where he is financially.

So he has been totally transparent with you (now).However, it's not that difficult to consolidate your debts, why didn't he do this himself?

RebelliousStarrChild · 20/03/2023 10:30

Did you ever discuss the amounts you had saved?
I think the reason he gave you says a lot, he didn't want you to worry or walk away, I would be concerned that he would be likely to lie again in future in similar circumstances.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/03/2023 10:34

I wouldn't entangle finances or buy a house with him.

Keep him as a boyfriend if you enjoy his company but remain independent.

ArcticSkewer · 20/03/2023 10:35

Ok, so with that update he is a man-child and you are his mother.

It's always worth exploring why you want that role (otherwise you leave him and just find another man child). Did you have to play a caring role for parents or siblings for example?

The problem is that you will eventually get bored/have too many other mothering responsibilities and his pathetic approach to life will be tiresome.

I'd stop rescuing him and expect him to grown up. See how things go.

Eightiesgirl · 20/03/2023 10:41

I feel sorry for him. He hasn't run this debt up on drugs or gambling but he is obviously ashamed of it and felt he couldn't tell you. He must have been keeping up bottled up inside and it's eventually got too much for him. I don't see anything wrong in helping someone sort out their debts or in accepting help. I'd step back now and just wait and see if he sticks to repayment plan, that's what I'd judge him on.

premicrois · 20/03/2023 10:42

I feel sorry for him.

You feel sorry for him?

A man who has lied to his partner?

How weird.

ArcticSkewer · 20/03/2023 10:49

premicrois · 20/03/2023 10:42

I feel sorry for him.

You feel sorry for him?

A man who has lied to his partner?

How weird.

There is a ready supply of silly women who love helpless men

Eightiesgirl · 20/03/2023 12:54

@ArcticSkewer Yes, as you so rightly pointed out TWICE. I feel sorry for him! I know what it's like to be drowning in debt, it consumes your every thought, you can't sleep, eat etc Being in debt also carries a lot of shame and I can understand how he's been scared to tell the truth. People kill themselves over the worry of debts and yes, I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM!

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