My Dp has revealed he has debt- after reassuring me all this time he didn't have any

[piddocktrumperiness]

My DP and I have been together for a few years now. We do not live together. He from the beginning has said he doesn't have much debt- only around £600 on CC and his car loan. We've been trying to save up for a house, and v recently he broke down and said he has around £10 in debt- half overdraft half credit card. Most accumulated through training for his qualification, but that it's been accruing interest which has increased his overall debt. He said he did not want me to worry or walk away which is why he kept it to himself and that he was trying to manage it. But it's eating at him and he wanted advice and for me to look over his finances and help him make sense of what to do. So I did- I worked with CC companies for years, was in debt myself at one point in my life and managed to clear it off years ago. I've consolidated his debt onto an interest free for 18 months. He is on good money and will therefore be debt free within the 18 months max. he's due a bonus soon so that will clear his overdraft. I looked at all his finances and gave him a plan to save and create pots and manage his money.

My issue is should I be concerned that he kept this from me all this time?
Should I be concerned that he racked up 10k?
Does the telling me now and wanting to sort it out outweigh the not telling me when we first started dating?

I volunteer as an ambassador on the debt free wannabe forum on MSE and there are many people on there who are hiding debt from their partners. I think the dishonesty is an issue and having a conversation with him about how you are concerned about him hiding the debt is a worry to you is a good start. You have done well to make a plan but he really needs to be sorting these things out himself or the bad spending habits will continue.

I would keep your finances separate for now but encourage openness between you about bills, saving and debt. Some people take longer to get how to manage money so I would not write him off entirely at this stage. Don't for goodness sake though tie yourself to him financially by taking out joint accounts until he has demonstrated his financial habits have changed and he can keep to the discipline of paying down the debt and saving rather than spending.

I used mse for help and advice with my debt years ago. The reason I didn't tell anyone was because I felt so ashamed. Nobody wakes up £10k in debt. It starts small and snowballs. My £18k debt was a result of trying to keep a roof over my head after a death made me homeless. I probably only benefited from a 3rd of that money, the rest was fees and charges that accumulated on top. The reality is people don't tell the truth because there's still so much stigma and shame about debt. People are afraid to tell their partners because they are afraid they will leave them, and in many cases they are right. It's not unusual to hear of cases where people end their lives because of debt. What I do find saddening is that if a man made a post like this nobody would be telling him to dump his wife because she's a liar, but if you look at the very first replies on here...

£10 debt for a qualification is not the end of the world. Provided he's actually achieved his qualification and isn't work-shy.

Lying is creepy.

What's even worse than that, though, is his asking you to sort it out and review the paperwork and the agencies etc. Wtf, are you his PA? Why can't he do all that? That's so disrespectful of your time.

I would be able to move past this I think. He's been open and transparent and asked for help. No, the lying isn't great, but I think if he is serious now about getting out of debt, and he can prove that, you can forgive it.

I don’t think it’s that unusual to be a young adult in that sort of debt after finishing education and/ or qualifying.

I think you have an odd power dynamic in your relationship.

• Him breaking down and confessing the debt. At the beginning of a relationship no one should have to disclose finances. Is he scared of you? Seems a strange way to tell you about debt. He must be feeling very distraught about it or scared of your reaction?

• The way you took control of his finances and organised everything. Fair enough, give advice but again this demonstrates an odd imbalance in your relationship.

He's been trying to save for a house for the last 2 years- It was fuelled when our relationship became serious, and that we saw a future together. Prior to that, owning a house was not much of a priority for him- he was content renting.

It seems that he was only making minimum payments and as such accrued quite a bit in interest, so was not really paying off any capital.

A couple of observations. He is financially irresponsible - if he's genuinely going to be able to pay off £10k in 18 months then why on earth did he not already do that!? Secondly, your values do not align. So you may "fix" this immediate mess for him but you'll be back in a similar situation in a little while.

You want to own your own home and be otherwise debt free (a normal, responsible goal). He, despite being a high earner, wants neither of these things. He may tell you that he wants them in an attempt to keep hold of your relationship, but his behaviour tells you loud and clear that he doesn't actually prioritise either of these things. If you stay with him you will repeatedly have conflict in this area.

i can see your point there regarding the odd power dynamic. My divorce ruffled me with debt and my ex at the time was accumulating debt that I paid for since he was requalifying.
sounds v similar no?
I cleared all my debts off once divorced and communicated early in my current relationship of my past issues with debt; partners racking up debt.
so my partner knew what my feelings were towards debt and I wonder whether that’s why He couldn’t tell me, because it hurt me in my previous relationship and he didn’t want to recreate that again?

however I think it’s the dishonesty part that I have to tread lightly. He knows that honesty is v important to me so I have to think about this thoroughly and watch his response when I tell him how I feel.

so my partner knew what my feelings were towards debt and I wonder whether that’s why He couldn’t tell me, because it hurt me in my previous relationship and he didn’t want to recreate that again?

Why didn't he pay it all off in the previous two years then, if he was prioritising not hurting you? If he can apparently pay it off so easily in 18 months?

however I think it’s the dishonesty part that I have to tread lightly. He knows that honesty is v important to me so I have to think about this thoroughly and watch his response when I tell him how I feel.

So so far he's done not one but two things in your relationship that he knew without any doubt were going to be big deals for you. What is there to watch in his response? He already knew this would hurt you. Still he did it.

I know :(
he’s been so open and honest and consistent from the beginning and that helped me trust him.

I’m trying to empathise with the situation

I suppose one “test” of him taking you seriously and respecting your views on debt is whether he actually sticks to his 18 month repayment plan and does indeed use his bonus to clear his overdraft?

Everyone has different attitudes to money. Some people make the choice to live beyond their means because they enjoy the nice cars, are happy to rent, enjoy treating themselves; living in the moment. Some like you are very careful. Neither are wrong life choices.

His actions now will show you whether he is genuinely wanting to align with you.
In short, judge on his actions rather than his words.

But he hasn't been open or honest!

That's the point.

He knew these were big issues for you. And he lied about it for two years...

I'm assuming because you'd do the sunk fallacy thing and because you're now emotionally tied to him and have all these plans you'd be less likely to up and leave.

Because those were your boundaries when you got together. And he's crossed both of them.

And as others have pointed out the fact he let you mother him and sort it out for him does not bode well. Especially as actually it sounds like he could have done it himself. There are hundreds of threads from women on here with seemingly incapable man child partners. It only gets worse when you have children

For me the fact he has debt is actually the least concerning part of this. I get that it's an emotional subject for those who have been in debt. Debt happens to the best people for reasons out of their control sometimes. It's how he lied about it when he knew it was an issue for you. And expected you to sort it for him.

so my partner knew what my feelings were towards debt and I wonder whether that’s why He couldn’t tell me, because it hurt me in my previous relationship and he didn’t want to recreate that again?

In an ideal world, knowing this about you would have spurred him in to clear his debt quickly to minimise the impact on you. Instead he has spent a good long time meeting only minimum payments and making everything worse for both of you.

No, of course, that was not your fault.

If you continue in the relationship, and he continues to focus on hiding things in order to stay in the relationship, then yes, you would have at least to some extent enabled that behaviour.

Being his help and support in the early days can feel very good. The trouble is you are assuming that as your responsibilities as a couple grow, he will be around to help you carry the load while he is thinking he now has you to sort stuff.

That difference can get very, very tedious when eg you have children

So many heartbreaking threads on MN where a good, capable woman is wringing her hands because her partner can't or won't step up. Sigh.

Agree @FinallyHere
Theres a small red flag flapping around which you seem to have missed- the fact that he’s allowed/asked you to take complete control of organising his debts and instructing him. Like an incapable child.
He’s holding down a decent job, he’s not incompetent.

How dd his debts come to light? Did you discover them and that prompted his sobbing response?
Is he confessing because it would have come to light when you applied for a joint mortgage?

Do you think he really has been distraught and worried sick over these debts all this time or is he just telling you what you want to hear?

@SmileyClare The debt has come about as he was trying to manage his money and be more literate this year and be more responsible as cost of living is increasing and he wanted to achieve a few things this year. So part of that was looking over his finances . He said he was shocked as to how much of it was interest and was not aware as to how overdraft charges were applied. He seemed to have his head in the sand about this. When comparing the credit cards and the apr that’s when it dawned on him how bad it was. When he was adding everything up that’s when the picture became clear to him.

He’s of the view that if debt is managed then it’s fine that’s why he pays minimum. Wheras I’m of the thinking that I don’t want any debt at all as I wasn’t v responsible years ago and I’m learned and continue to train myself to live within my means and save up.

Realising how high his charges where and being confused about it he told me about the extent of the debt . As I’ve worked in banking and I’ve been pretty good at managing my finances, it made sense for me to advise him. I didn’t mind helping but I wish he’d told me earlier and been honest- it’s the honesty but really- he would have saved money too.

Ok from your reply there op I’m inclined to think he wasn’t been so much dishonest as ignorant of what his debts amounted to.

The “head in the sand” thing over debts (particularly spread out; owing different financial bodies with varying interest rates) is very common.

It does sound as though he genuinely wants to address that now and it’s dawned on him the extent of the debt?

If the 18 month plan is realistic for his income and he sticks to it then I’d be giving him a chance here. He needs to take responsibility for it though, not doing it because you’re nagging him like his mum.
You want to avoid that dynamic!

He’s of the view that if debt is managed then it’s fine that’s why he pays minimum.

If that is really what he thinks, then he is just wrong. Paying the minimum is not managing debt, it really isn't, is it?

Has he changed his mind since finding out just what this strategy has cost him to date?

There was a thread recently from a woman who was in debt, 4k, and was terrified her well off dh would find out as he really hates debt. Predictably he was the bad guy and should have just paid it off for her. No-one suggested she leave because she lied or he should chuck her out. If he does his best to pay it off and keeps his nose clean he deserves a second chance.

So, when you've both allegedly been saving for a house for two years, he's actually been accruing debt instead? Do you actually have money saved together?

I've been through this, even posted on here about it. I was told to leave. I didn't listen to good advice.
He lied to you, he will lie again. Don't move in with him. My (now)exDP not only lied about his debt, turned out he'd slept with a girl in his office too. Oh how I wish I'd left when I discovered the debt!

These men are like big toddlers OP. Save yourself the heartache, LTB.

That's a different case though. Sometimes people don't have enough to live on within a marriage as their partner keeps most of the money to themselves. That is financial abuse. In this case, the debt was accrued before they met.

He said he did not want me to worry or walk away which is why he kept it to himself and that he was trying to manage it

Far more likely, now you're planning to buy a home, that he realised he'd have to disclose the lot to lenders so needed to come clean