My Dp has revealed he has debt- after reassuring me all this time he didn't have any

[piddocktrumperiness]

My DP and I have been together for a few years now. We do not live together. He from the beginning has said he doesn't have much debt- only around £600 on CC and his car loan. We've been trying to save up for a house, and v recently he broke down and said he has around £10 in debt- half overdraft half credit card. Most accumulated through training for his qualification, but that it's been accruing interest which has increased his overall debt. He said he did not want me to worry or walk away which is why he kept it to himself and that he was trying to manage it. But it's eating at him and he wanted advice and for me to look over his finances and help him make sense of what to do. So I did- I worked with CC companies for years, was in debt myself at one point in my life and managed to clear it off years ago. I've consolidated his debt onto an interest free for 18 months. He is on good money and will therefore be debt free within the 18 months max. he's due a bonus soon so that will clear his overdraft. I looked at all his finances and gave him a plan to save and create pots and manage his money.

My issue is should I be concerned that he kept this from me all this time?
Should I be concerned that he racked up 10k?
Does the telling me now and wanting to sort it out outweigh the not telling me when we first started dating?

@ArcticSkewer just realised you were quoting another post and didn't actually say it twice. I am not a silly woman, I have a heart and have sympathy for other people and you or anyone else won't make me feel ashamed of that.

@Eightiesgirl but he’s not on the bones of his arse. Op consolidated it interest free, he owns a good wage and will have it paid off in 18 months. He could
a. Have done this himself
b. Not lied for 2 years

He was quite happy to tell OP when he needed her to sort it out for him though.

Poor man

@premicrois Yes, I feel sorry for him, he hasn't murdered anyone, he's not a wife beater. He's got into a situation where things have got out of control and he's had to finally speak up and "confess" his debts. It can happen to anyone. The thing to judge him on is how he now sticks to the payment plan that his partner has so kindly arranged for him.

He bare face lied to her. That's what I judge him on.

That's your bar? He's not a murderer therefore liar is okay?

Fuck me

Have you not noticed people aren't bashing him for being in debt?

It's the fact he lied for two years and allowed the op to make plans he KNEW weren't going to happen

He earns a good wage. He could have sorted this himself. The ops done it all for him. He just chose not to. He's not a baby.

@Minimummonday Well, like I say, the thing to judge him on now is how well he sticks to the payment plan. Anyone can get into a mess with money, no matter how much you earn, and be worried about confessing the truth. If it was me I'd give him a second chance, obviously if he doesn't pay it off now, then that's a different matter.

I think that he should have been honest with you regarding his debit. Along with this as an adult he should have sorted out a way to pay this off.
He could have said I owe money at the moment due X reason and I can't afford to save for a mortgage until this paid off.

Meanwhile you have been saving and his lack of honesty means that your both going to be renting for longer.

Have you established that his debit was from studying?
I would confirm the nature of his debit. You need him to get and give you a copy of his credit history and look at this. You need to find out what this is like and was he in debt in the past.
I would also ask him for bank statements and say you want to see where he could save money re his expenses. Look for any gambling on these. On his credit report see if he has debt previously, has ccj ect. If you see he is online gambling or has ccj ect I would end thing with him.

You don't want to be with a man who is gambling, has a bad credit history or in continuous debt as it will effect you long term.

I would also be aware of what he is like in general. Does he expect you to sort out things always? Does he leave things to the last minute?

One of my friends has a partner who can't manage money at all so she did this early on. Then once they had kids he was quite happy to let her manage this as well.
I know at times that this has driven her mad because she is carrying all the load.

I would also enjoy a relationship with him but don't live with him, hoping you can buy a property on your own.

It's how he's dealt with it - or rather not dealt with it, why couldn't he consolidate his own debt? How long of the 2 years was he claiming to be saving for a house? So how long did he keep up lying for?
The actual amount, isn't that much these days, its the stuff around it.
On the plus side, it's set your house buying plans back 18 months and then some, so you have plenty of time to work out if he's a keeper without being tied to him. Now the debt is ring-fenced, let's hope he doesn't continue to be bad with his finances. Watch for any signs of him unnecessarily splashing the cash, continue saving yourself so you you can buy on your own or with someone else down the line - or just have more for the pot with him one day- when he's able.

My ex did something similar. I did move in with him etc and ended up paying for everything because he was so financially irresponsible. When we got divorced he wanted half of everything despite having frittered all of his money away on shit during the relationship, leaving me to pay for grown up stuff. The house would have just been repossessed if he had been in charge.

Also, I'm not saying that your DP is the same but as well as lying about debt, I later discovered that my ex had it in him to lie about absolutely everything else too.

If you are going to continue with the relationship, protect your finances and assets ruthlessly.

If you are going to continue with the relationship, protect your finances and assets ruthlessly.

Excellent advice

I think most of us got that at the time.

OP I can see it from both sides. I’ve struggled with debt myself in the past and it took a while for me to get straight, I buried my head in the sand for too long. I felt too embarrassed to say anything. If I’d have asked for help I could have sorted it a lot sooner.
That said, I did sort myself out and I’m so much better with money now. I managed to build up a decent savings pot, which I never thought possible back then.

My experience as a partner is that my DH told me he had debt a couple of years before we got married, I supported him with it and helped him get a plan together. We also adjusted how we lived our lives to give him more opportunity to pay the debt off quicker. He seemed much more in control of things.
I made the mistake of not insisting that we had full transparency before living together & getting married. In turn, I found out a couple of years after we got married that he had run up a load more debt, when I was of the impression that he was saving up to help us buy a new house (so I was the only one actually saving). I only found out because I knew something was wrong and I had started to question if it was another woman, only then did he tell me what was really going on.
I now have to insist on going through his finances from time to time to ensure things aren’t escalating again. He hates it, and I hate doing it. It’s not a nice way to live.

If you are going to stay with him you need to ensure you’ve had full disclosure of his accounts (I’d ask to see at least the last 2 years to check what the money was actually spent on).
Do not agree to buy a house until he has paid off his debts and saved up his share of the money, and has shown you that he’s not saved it by getting in more debt elsewhere, because otherwise you could find yourself stuck paying the full mortgage down the line.

Thank you so much everyone. Some v good advice here. I am trying to see it from his perspective and I suppose I will have to wait a little and see how he manages his money and his word. I'm not tied to him so I have the opportunity to watch how it plays out.

I will be having a conversation about transparency with him and see what he says.

What I was unsure about was the dishonesty part. I suppose time will tell?

You’re right to be worried about his dishonesty. When someone can lie to you continually it does create distrust in the relationship, because you know how easily they can lie to cover their tracks.
His behaviour from now will show you whether this was a genuine mistake where the embarrassment held him back, or whether he is just the kind of person to be secretive by nature.
Are you willing to be firm and insist on full transparency moving forward, and will he agree to it because he knows the importance of being honest and open for you to have a future together.
When DH did it, it really impacted on the plans we had for our future, and if I’m honest I’m not sure we would have survived it if we weren’t married.

I wouldn't walk away. His reasons for not being open about it are valid & it wasn't spent on random shit but to help him with a qualification.

What he has done isn't great but it's not ltb worth either.

So he hid it from you to protect himself and only told you so you could sort out a plan, hmm can you see the common denominator here, he only thought about himself.

Have you seen a credit report? His ‘honesty’ needs corroborating.

@AgentJohnson His credit score is very high. It seems that he was only making minimum payments and as such accrued quite a bit in interest, so was not really paying off any capital.

I will have to be honest with him about how I feel because I cannot be in debt again. His response will tell me a lot. I will keep an eye out

Yes, I feel sorry for him, he hasn't murdered anyone, he's not a wife beater.

Wow - that is some low bar you've got there.

Personally I wouldn't end a relationship over this - I can see how it could happen. I wouldn't buy a house with him yet, and I would want to look back through his accounts to see how much he has borrowed and paid back over the time you have known him. But it wouldn't be an automatic deal breaker.

I have mixed views on this.

my first thought was that it’s good he was able to confide in you, and wanted to get it sorted. He didn’t try to hide it further and thus accrue more problems. However, I’d want to know how he accrued this debt and over how long. You say it’s for training - does all the facts and figures add up? Was it a short, sharp debt, or accrued over a long period.

if he can pay the debt off over 18 months then he’s on a good salary. How come he’s not been able to pay it off before, if he can spare £750 (approx, not done the maths) a month. Where has his other money gone?

Has he been in debt before?

i don’t think it’s a deal breaker, it may just be a one-off situation he’s got himself into, but I’d want to know he’s not someone who habitually gets into debt.

Hello OP, I can see that you are a very smart and capable woman and you do not need our advice. However, this is my five cents. There is no shame in being in debt and from where I am standing 10K is not that much either. There are many reasons why a person goes in debt and most are normal and reasonable.

Problem for me would be that he lied. Not only did he not volunteer the information but he actually lied when you discussed it. This would definitely be difficult for me to accept.

Btw, I wish you were my best friend. I would love to have someone like you to help me with my finances. 🥰 Good luck and all the best.

My issue is should I be concerned that he kept this from me all this time?

My issue would be "what else hasn't he told me or won't he tell me"?

As well as by luring, he has wasted time when he could have been sorting the situation.

I don't think that anyone whose approach to building a life together is "to lie incase I end it when I know the truth" would be right for me.

They didn't trust you.

Can you trust them now ?

Do you want to be with someone who wants you to "fix it" for them ?

Needing to parent someone will become tedious very, very quickly especially if you them to step up and parent any children you have together.

Famous MN saying 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'