Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this what to expect in divorce?

39 replies

Shells85 · 19/03/2023 11:08

My husband left me just under two weeks ago. It was unexpected and left me shocked. He said he had been unhappy for a while and didn't want a unhappy home for our children. He's gone to stay at his mum's. He's dropped DC of this morning and told me he can collect her from school as he is seeing a mortgage advisor and solicitor to buy a house.
He has agreed to pay the mortgage on the family home to enable DC not to be uprooted. I have no clue where the money has come from to enable him to do this and am also really shocked at the quickness in which he seems to have moved on. We've been together 10 years and after two weeks he's off buying a house. Feel like this has been premeditated and he's been planning to leave me for a while. I feel so hurt and now worried what's going to come next . Is this the norm when you split up ? Just wanted to hear other peoples stories .

OP posts:
AnotherCountryMummy · 19/03/2023 11:17

I am so sorry to hear this 💐

Shouldbedoing · 19/03/2023 11:20

If he's (claiming to be) getting legal advice, you need the same. You can often pay legal fees in installments and from your final settlement. He is one step ahead of you, like you said, he's been planning this. Do not trust him. He is no longer your friend.

Original poster
Shells85 · 19/03/2023 11:24

The solicitor is a property solicitor not a divorce lawyer as far as I'm aware,however I will now get a solicitors advise to make sure I'm not wrong footed. I'm wondering when someone else will appear now. I feel so devastated and drained

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 19/03/2023 11:26

He is one step ahead of you, like you said, he's been planning this. Do not trust him. He is no longer your friend

💯% this. Absolutely not usual, as finances take a while to sort out and only then do both parties buy another house. Can he even get a mortgage with a current residential mortgage?

I know someone who did this - unfortunately it's usually a sign they have moved on with someone else who they have kept well hidden.

Original poster
Shells85 · 19/03/2023 11:30

Thats my suspicion now as well , I get he won't want to stay in his mum and dad's home forever but I expected a few months at least.i can't actually believe he is the same person

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 19/03/2023 14:49

@Shells85 You will be shell shocked and might take a while to catch up but as you are married he will also be advised not to make a house purchase until finances resolved. How does he know what money he will have each month?

If there is an OW then it will be the Script, and you won't recognise him.

37KAT · 19/03/2023 14:54

Livinghappy · 19/03/2023 11:26

He is one step ahead of you, like you said, he's been planning this. Do not trust him. He is no longer your friend

💯% this. Absolutely not usual, as finances take a while to sort out and only then do both parties buy another house. Can he even get a mortgage with a current residential mortgage?

I know someone who did this - unfortunately it's usually a sign they have moved on with someone else who they have kept well hidden.

Sadly I also know someone that this happened to and he'd been having an affair for sometime, none of us suspected, total shock. He moved on quickly like this.
Sorry this is happening to you

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 14:54

He's dropped DC of this morning and told me he can collect her from school as he is seeing a mortgage advisor and solicitor to buy a house.

Not with the marital money he isn't.

Ring for a lawyer appointment TOMORROW & ask them to prioritise communication with him about this. He can't go spending jointly owned money on huge capital purchases.

Also - don't believe a word about him continuing to pay the mortgage.

I am sorry about the shock & kick in the teeth. Flowers
You'll need emotional support for that right enough - but for NOW, you absolutely need legal advice, before your H commits funds to a house purchase that ties up YOUR share of the capital.

Panama2 · 19/03/2023 18:59

As already advised get legal advice, gather all financial information, bank, savings and pension etc. You may have to do some sleuthing he could have money in accounts you no nothing about.

I know it is horrible but he really isn’t your partner anymore do not let him dictate how things will be it is hard but you need to get tough now.

Take care x

difficultlemons · 19/03/2023 19:02

Agree with pps op, don't let him do or buy anything until you've spoken to your own solicitor. Don't let his haste get you into a situation you don't want to be in just because he has blindsided you

thegirlyupnorth · 19/03/2023 19:37

If he buys another house you'll be entitled to a share of it as it will still be a matrimonial asset!!

Thisgirlcan21 · 19/03/2023 19:43

I don’t know your financial situation. I know of a couple of men who thought they could leave and buy somewhere else but on one wage it wasnt that simple! Both living with family.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 20:35

thegirlyupnorth · 19/03/2023 19:37

If he buys another house you'll be entitled to a share of it as it will still be a matrimonial asset!!

She certainly will, but it's a complication she doesn;t need.

She needs liquid assets to house herself & DC, not money tied up in a new asset, & a protracted & expensive sale/resale. Too easy for her ex to then pull pulling the strings - he could easily control the timeline by being arsey about viewing etc & putting a spanner in any sale.

Rjd13 · 19/03/2023 20:35

I think it's a good idea to get your own advice.

I will say this... when I left my first husband I had been agonising over it for at least 6 months. By the time it actually happened I was already checked out and done, he felt as though I'd surprised him.

I'm sure he thought I was keen to to get everything finalised quickly, but it was just a case of being at a different point in the break up process to him.

Took a while for him to admit that he knew the relationship wasn't working and that it was right for us to split.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, divorce is really hard.

theWarOnPeace · 19/03/2023 20:46

I warned my friend of this faux reasonable behaviour and she found out the hard way, I think we so want to believe someone we love/have ever loved will do right by us. Your H is attempting to be the ‘fair guy’ while fully intending to do some dodgy shit, I’d bet my dog on it. I reckon he’ll have worked out it’s a bargain paying towards your half of the mortgage and you’ll be too terrified of losing your home to protest the fact that he probably owes you more than that.

My cunt exH thought he was clever and made loads of ‘reasonable’ promises to lull me into a false sense of security and appease me/make me feel I should be grateful and not rock the boat. Didn’t want it to get ugly, why would I get my own solicitors involved, don’t I trust him bla bla bla. In the end it was all a ruse, and I’ve had to go via CSA and have ended up much better off financially than his pathetic ‘reasonable offer’. He was hysterical about me eventually getting legal/outside involvement and that’s because he wanted to squirrel away and hide and spend asset/marital money on himself and continue with his smoke and mirrors.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 20:53

When ow is out in the open expect his promised to fall by the wayside op.

KeanuKenunu · 19/03/2023 21:55

The hardest thing to do is realise you are no longer a unit. I have a recording of a conversation where I had found my husbands burner phone (which I tracked back at least 5 years) and confronted him. My naivety is heartbreaking as is the sound of my young children in the background. They take advantage of this naivety and our love, to lie and sort themselves out at our expense. My advice is to make sure he can't get near any of your money or remove it from joint accounts. Do this asap. I found my building society very helpful. Mine tried to withdraw £1000 from my account on my 50th birthday and they closed it in time. We had to attend a concert on that day as a family even though we were splitting up. He offered to buy the food and I thanked him saying it was expensive. Inside he was laughing at me thinking he had got the £1000 - which would have left me in difficulty. This man still sells himself as a 'good Christian'. His parents know nothing about him and tell their friends I lied about him --- eye roll.

Hehx3 · 19/03/2023 22:06

I am so sorry for you Op. he might have had someone he might have not, try not to focus on that as all that matters now is you and your kids. I know it is so hard as you looking for answers. I was blindsided once myself and I kept going over it and over in my head. Now I see I was only wasting my energy. Try to push it away and focus on steps you have to take. Thinking of you ❤️

Original poster
Shells85 · 20/03/2023 11:32

Hi all just thought I would update. I went for lunch yesterday and saw his car with a woman in it. So looks like I was right ,I've asked him and he's said a friend borrowed his car.
I don't believe him but I didn't get a close enough look to see if it was him or not as I went past.
His name is on the mortgage,if he doesn't pay then it will effect him and any chance of him getting his own place. However I'm quite aware he could say he can't afford it and we have to sell. I haven't gone to CSA as he seemed reasonable in what he was willing to pay for. Now I'm not so sure .

OP posts:
Flakjacketon · 20/03/2023 12:02

I don't wish to add to your pain but there probably is another woman. Men rarely up and leave so decisively without someone else in the background. She may be in a position to buy a house and he is supporting that application.

I wish you and your DC peace and happiness 💐

ladykale · 20/03/2023 12:05

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 14:54

He's dropped DC of this morning and told me he can collect her from school as he is seeing a mortgage advisor and solicitor to buy a house.

Not with the marital money he isn't.

Ring for a lawyer appointment TOMORROW & ask them to prioritise communication with him about this. He can't go spending jointly owned money on huge capital purchases.

Also - don't believe a word about him continuing to pay the mortgage.

I am sorry about the shock & kick in the teeth. Flowers
You'll need emotional support for that right enough - but for NOW, you absolutely need legal advice, before your H commits funds to a house purchase that ties up YOUR share of the capital.

People on this thread seem naive.

If he's getting legal advice, of course he won't buy a new house pre-divorce.

He's getting his ducks in a row to understand what he could afford without equity from the house. If he can't pull together enough money, I'm sure his tune will suddenly change (understandably so!)

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/03/2023 12:09

Sounds so like what happened to me - so sorry op, it’s shit. My Ex H left ‘for a breather’, to ‘stay with his mother for a bit’ out of the blue (for me) after 25 years of marriage. Of course he was cheating and had been cheating and planning to leave for some time. He became a completely different person to the one I thought I married… Get angry op. Get a lawyer and get tough. You’ll get through this - yes its hard at first but it will get better

TheNefariousTIG · 20/03/2023 12:29

Whatever you do don't trust a word he says. Everything you thought you knew about him, is not null and void. He will lie to you, screw you over if and when it suits him and even if its not the best thing for his kids.
ime and those of close friends who have also been through divorce, many seemingly good and decent ‘family men’ go through frontal lobotomy when you split. I dont recognixe my ex since we split and certainly would never have married him or even been remotely attracted to him all those years ago if I had realised what a complete asshole he really was.

Obviously there are exceptions to the rule…but I haven come accross many.

TheNefariousTIG · 20/03/2023 12:33

Is now null and void…

Panama2 · 20/03/2023 12:33

When we ended up in court turns out he had not disclosed a bank account that he maintained was for hi. To transfer money into for “emergency utility bill payment” for his gf to pay bills. I never did find it how much was in it the judge accepted his explanation cos we all have emergency gas bills don’t we?