Is this what to expect in divorce?

[Shells85]

My husband left me just under two weeks ago. It was unexpected and left me shocked. He said he had been unhappy for a while and didn't want a unhappy home for our children. He's gone to stay at his mum's. He's dropped DC of this morning and told me he can collect her from school as he is seeing a mortgage advisor and solicitor to buy a house.
He has agreed to pay the mortgage on the family home to enable DC not to be uprooted. I have no clue where the money has come from to enable him to do this and am also really shocked at the quickness in which he seems to have moved on. We've been together 10 years and after two weeks he's off buying a house. Feel like this has been premeditated and he's been planning to leave me for a while. I feel so hurt and now worried what's going to come next . Is this the norm when you split up ? Just wanted to hear other peoples stories .

[Shells85]

@Madamecastafiore I do live near the seaside ?

[mostlydrinkstea]

I'm afraid he has been planning this for a while and is weeks or months ahead of you. It is horrible because rather than grieving and processing, the spouse who is left is thrown straight into the business mindset of divorce. You probably have a period of time when he is so relieved that he has finally left that he will be reasonable. This will probably not last when the financial reality hits. Prepare for the rewriting of history 'I was unhappy for years' is one of the classics. Also watch for what he blames you for. It is often a sign of what he is up to.

Rosie Green's book How to Heal a Broken Heart tells it like it is.

[Shells85]

I can't afford the mortgage, I work part time and study , he has agreed in writing to pay the mortgage but I'm aware that could and probably will change.
I am trying to fit everything in and feel really rushed he hasn't even been gone two weeks. I thought I would have a month or two to process and then have to start the ball rolling.

[JJ8765]

Are you on deeds if not you need register your interest in home with land registry so he can’t sell it or remortgage without you knowing. You can do this online. It means it would show up on any check by a lender or buyer. If he’s PAYE then I’d go CSA route as again that would then show up as outgoings for him in affordability check. Do not be rushed into anything re financials nothing with a court would happen quickly. It does sound like he’s come into some money or got himself a rich new partner he intends to buy a home with. Get yourself sorted financially eg claim any benefits / council tax reduction, close joint accounts, cancel subscriptions, claim CSA. Can you afford to take over the mortgage?

[tatteddear]

I would advise going through CSA as well. I didn't and that has massively backfired on me now. You can start that ball rolling now, and do it yourself on their website

[Replytoisthiswhattoexpect]

@Replytoisthiswhattoexpect

@Shells85 Practical info if / when needed. For now, take good care of yourself :)

Re – Divorce and Financial Settlement

There are two aspects - divorce and financial settlement.
Divorce is relatively straightforward. Financial settlement more complex.

Many people became litigants in person and represent themselves, getting legal advice as and when needed. Some engage a solicitor and/or barrister to represent them. More about getting legal advice is below.

Guides here: www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Financial Settlement
To know what a fair split of assets is, and to reach a financial settlement, divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Full and frank disclosure is a legal requirement.

What does full and frank disclosure look like?
Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former matrimonial home), pensions, savings, stocks and shares etc.
It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers). Form Es are exchanged – both parties fill them out, attach the required documentary evidence and send them to each other. Mediators if used, usually ask parties to fill out Form Es. Form D81 can also be used.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1128798/Form_E_0123_save.pdf

www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-d81-statement-of-information-for-a-consent-order-in-relation-to-a-financial-remedy


What are the assets worth?
To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE/actuary) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these. Property can be valued by getting three estate agent valuations and taking the average, or one party can propose three solicitors and the other party can choose one of the three, after which the chosen estate agent is instructed to value the property. A surveyor can also be used to value a property.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former matrimonial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert).
Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children. An actuary can do an in-depth report on pension sharing - what capital and income would be if split 50/50 or a percentage of choice. They can be instructed to factor in retirement ages of the parties. Joint instructions are given to the actuary and they walk parties through the process.

Who gets what?
When deciding how to distribute a couple’s assets and income the court must apply a checklist of factors set by statute. The relevant statute is section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. These factors will need to be applied in every case, regardless of whether you are engaged in court proceedings or negotiating your own settlement. These are often called the Section 25 factors, which the court will consider when deciding how to distribute assets upon divorce or dissolution.

Section 25 Factors
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25
images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is considered.

First consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

The needs of each divorcing party are considered and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

Not getting full and frank disclosure?
It is vital to get all the assets “on the table” so that informed financial decision can be made and a fair/just settlement negotiated.

Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged.

If after Form E there is missing information / documentary evidence ‘Questionnaires’ may be exchanged to retrieve it – a list of questions and a list of any missing documentary evidence required which is served on each party.
If still missing after that, ‘Deficiencies’ are exchanged – questions can be asked to clarify and al list of required documentary evidence still missing.


A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve financial information / documentary evidence.

A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / documentary evidence / valuations that are missing / essential.

Advice and info
These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report (actuary)
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Mediation
Mediation can be used to reach agreements.

Some cases are not suitable for mediation e.g., domestic abuse/bullying/coercive control.

www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/mediation
resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/your-process-options-for-divorce-and-dissolution/family-mediation/

The First Meeting with a Mediator – The MIAM
www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/family-mediation/assessment-meeting-miam/
“The mediator will tell you whether your case is suitable for mediation, and you can decide whether you want to proceed with mediation or explore another option for resolving issues. The mediator can also give you information about other services which provide help and support.”

Legal advice
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Correction : Property can be valued by getting three estate agent valuations and taking the average, or one party can propose three [solicitors] estate agents and the other party can choose one of the three, after which the chosen estate agent is instructed to value the property.

[tatteddear]

Op, please urgently make enquiries with a few solicitors and make an appointment-some of them do the first half an hour for free-but don't let that sway your decision on who to go with too much.
Hard as it is you must try to see this as a business transaction. You want to get as much out of it as possible. Go with the mindset that he will want to give as little as possible. Don't listen to what he's saying-it's likely to be an act but even if it isn't the solicitor will tell you what is fair and that's who you should listen to and go with what they advise-no concessions to be nice etc etc. all that being nice for the sake of a good Co parenting relationship means nothing years later, but being skint does, believe me!

Sorry this has happened to you. Undoubtedly it will be an awful time. But you will come through it the stronger in the end, like lots of us here. It just takes some time to get there. Take care of yourself.

[Replytoisthiswhattoexpect]

@Shells85 Practical info if / when needed. For now, take good care of yourself :)

Re – Divorce and Financial Settlement

There are two aspects - divorce and financial settlement.
Divorce is relatively straightforward. Financial settlement more complex.

Many people became litigants in person and represent themselves, getting legal advice as and when needed. Some engage a solicitor and/or barrister to represent them. More about getting legal advice is below.

Guides here: www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Financial Settlement
To know what a fair split of assets is, and to reach a financial settlement, divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Full and frank disclosure is a legal requirement.

What does full and frank disclosure look like?
Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former matrimonial home), pensions, savings, stocks and shares etc.
It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers). Form Es are exchanged – both parties fill them out, attach the required documentary evidence and send them to each other. Mediators if used, usually ask parties to fill out Form Es. Form D81 can also be used.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1128798/Form_E_0123_save.pdf

www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-d81-statement-of-information-for-a-consent-order-in-relation-to-a-financial-remedy


What are the assets worth?
To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE/actuary) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these. Property can be valued by getting three estate agent valuations and taking the average, or one party can propose three solicitors and the other party can choose one of the three, after which the chosen estate agent is instructed to value the property. A surveyor can also be used to value a property.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former matrimonial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert).
Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children. An actuary can do an in-depth report on pension sharing - what capital and income would be if split 50/50 or a percentage of choice. They can be instructed to factor in retirement ages of the parties. Joint instructions are given to the actuary and they walk parties through the process.

Who gets what?
When deciding how to distribute a couple’s assets and income the court must apply a checklist of factors set by statute. The relevant statute is section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. These factors will need to be applied in every case, regardless of whether you are engaged in court proceedings or negotiating your own settlement. These are often called the Section 25 factors, which the court will consider when deciding how to distribute assets upon divorce or dissolution.

Section 25 Factors
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25
images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is considered.

First consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

The needs of each divorcing party are considered and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

Not getting full and frank disclosure?
It is vital to get all the assets “on the table” so that informed financial decision can be made and a fair/just settlement negotiated.

Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged.

If after Form E there is missing information / documentary evidence ‘Questionnaires’ may be exchanged to retrieve it – a list of questions and a list of any missing documentary evidence required which is served on each party.
If still missing after that, ‘Deficiencies’ are exchanged – questions can be asked to clarify and al list of required documentary evidence still missing.


A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve financial information / documentary evidence.

A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / documentary evidence / valuations that are missing / essential.

Advice and info
These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report (actuary)
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Mediation
Mediation can be used to reach agreements.

Some cases are not suitable for mediation e.g., domestic abuse/bullying/coercive control.

www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/mediation
resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/your-process-options-for-divorce-and-dissolution/family-mediation/

The First Meeting with a Mediator – The MIAM
www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/family-mediation/assessment-meeting-miam/
“The mediator will tell you whether your case is suitable for mediation, and you can decide whether you want to proceed with mediation or explore another option for resolving issues. The mediator can also give you information about other services which provide help and support.”

Legal advice
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

[mostlydrinkstea]

OP I'm so sorry. This is a horrible thing to go through. The man you thought was your husband no longer exists so there is grief to go through. Expect anger, denial, sadness and more. For now you have to catch up and catch up quickly. List out and get evidence for your marital assets. If there is a joint account take out half and put it in yours. What does he earn? What do you earn? Do you have savings and where are they? What is your house worth? What pensions do you have? Is there any debt?

Book an appointment with a good family solicitor and treat this as a business transaction. I know it doesn't feel like it but the solicitor isn't your therapist.

Also, book an appointment with your GP for a STD test. If you need support during this time of trauma speak to your GP as antidepressants may help for a short time. Counselling may help.

You will get through this.

[Madamecastafiore]

Do you live near the seaside? A friends son's wife has just left the family for a guy who has left his family. I know a long shot but timings add up.

[Opentooffers]

If he were to buy another house somehow, it would be using family money, so you'd be entitled to half that property too as well as your current one.
Wether he could get someone like a family member that he trusts to buy one in their name on his behalf, and pay the mortgage on it is another possibility maybe, or perhaps his OW would have it in her name but he'd pay a chunk of what is your family money to her instead - more likely. So act quickly, you need to get a solicitor to block all large purchases because I think OW is buying but he's funding it. He won't get one in his name when still married to you, but she can help in that so it is more proof of someone else. If he can't guarantee her the cash imput then she will likely back out. He can pay her rent to live with her by all means, but if he gives her a large deposit chunk from family savings, that's not on and needs stopping before it happens.

[MyriadOfTravels]

I’m sorry you got confirmation of the OW too.

Please go and see a lawyer asap.
Dint take his word fir anything. He’ll protect himself first.
Dint be kind. It’s nit a time to be kind. It’s a time to be fair, fair towards yourself and your dcs. And it’s very likely that he will find FAIR arrangement very unkind (or he will claim it is)

[Shells85]

I have no idea what he's playing at . We got a car in my name he pays for it , he said he would until the term ends the last time we talked ,now I'm not sure that will happen either . How much do divorce solicitors cost ? I have no clue about any of this

[MyriadOfTravels]

It doesn’t make sense. If he is buying a hose now, before you’ve split finances, the hose will go into the common pot. It sounds like a very strange move in his part.

And yes he has been thinking about it for a long Time and has already planned his new life in his head 😢😢 I’m sorry @Shells85 . It must even more if shock for you.

[Panama2]

When we ended up in court turns out he had not disclosed a bank account that he maintained was for hi. To transfer money into for “emergency utility bill payment” for his gf to pay bills. I never did find it how much was in it the judge accepted his explanation cos we all have emergency gas bills don’t we?

[TheNefariousTIG]

Is now null and void…

[TheNefariousTIG]

Whatever you do don't trust a word he says. Everything you thought you knew about him, is not null and void. He will lie to you, screw you over if and when it suits him and even if its not the best thing for his kids.
ime and those of close friends who have also been through divorce, many seemingly good and decent ‘family men’ go through frontal lobotomy when you split. I dont recognixe my ex since we split and certainly would never have married him or even been remotely attracted to him all those years ago if I had realised what a complete asshole he really was.

Obviously there are exceptions to the rule…but I haven come accross many.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

Sounds so like what happened to me - so sorry op, it’s shit. My Ex H left ‘for a breather’, to ‘stay with his mother for a bit’ out of the blue (for me) after 25 years of marriage. Of course he was cheating and had been cheating and planning to leave for some time. He became a completely different person to the one I thought I married… Get angry op. Get a lawyer and get tough. You’ll get through this - yes its hard at first but it will get better

[ladykale]

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

He's dropped DC of this morning and told me he can collect her from school as he is seeing a mortgage advisor and solicitor to buy a house.

Not with the marital money he isn't.

Ring for a lawyer appointment TOMORROW & ask them to prioritise communication with him about this. He can't go spending jointly owned money on huge capital purchases.

Also - don't believe a word about him continuing to pay the mortgage.

I am sorry about the shock & kick in the teeth.
You'll need emotional support for that right enough - but for NOW, you absolutely need legal advice, before your H commits funds to a house purchase that ties up YOUR share of the capital.

People on this thread seem naive.

If he's getting legal advice, of course he won't buy a new house pre-divorce.

He's getting his ducks in a row to understand what he could afford without equity from the house. If he can't pull together enough money, I'm sure his tune will suddenly change (understandably so!)

[Flakjacketon]

I don't wish to add to your pain but there probably is another woman. Men rarely up and leave so decisively without someone else in the background. She may be in a position to buy a house and he is supporting that application.

I wish you and your DC peace and happiness 💐

[Shells85]

Hi all just thought I would update. I went for lunch yesterday and saw his car with a woman in it. So looks like I was right ,I've asked him and he's said a friend borrowed his car.
I don't believe him but I didn't get a close enough look to see if it was him or not as I went past.
His name is on the mortgage,if he doesn't pay then it will effect him and any chance of him getting his own place. However I'm quite aware he could say he can't afford it and we have to sell. I haven't gone to CSA as he seemed reasonable in what he was willing to pay for. Now I'm not so sure .

[Hehx3]

I am so sorry for you Op. he might have had someone he might have not, try not to focus on that as all that matters now is you and your kids. I know it is so hard as you looking for answers. I was blindsided once myself and I kept going over it and over in my head. Now I see I was only wasting my energy. Try to push it away and focus on steps you have to take. Thinking of you ❤️

[KeanuKenunu]

The hardest thing to do is realise you are no longer a unit. I have a recording of a conversation where I had found my husbands burner phone (which I tracked back at least 5 years) and confronted him. My naivety is heartbreaking as is the sound of my young children in the background. They take advantage of this naivety and our love, to lie and sort themselves out at our expense. My advice is to make sure he can't get near any of your money or remove it from joint accounts. Do this asap. I found my building society very helpful. Mine tried to withdraw £1000 from my account on my 50th birthday and they closed it in time. We had to attend a concert on that day as a family even though we were splitting up. He offered to buy the food and I thanked him saying it was expensive. Inside he was laughing at me thinking he had got the £1000 - which would have left me in difficulty. This man still sells himself as a 'good Christian'. His parents know nothing about him and tell their friends I lied about him --- eye roll.

[Bunnyhascovidnoteggs]

When ow is out in the open expect his promised to fall by the wayside op.

[theWarOnPeace]

I warned my friend of this faux reasonable behaviour and she found out the hard way, I think we so want to believe someone we love/have ever loved will do right by us. Your H is attempting to be the ‘fair guy’ while fully intending to do some dodgy shit, I’d bet my dog on it. I reckon he’ll have worked out it’s a bargain paying towards your half of the mortgage and you’ll be too terrified of losing your home to protest the fact that he probably owes you more than that.

My cunt exH thought he was clever and made loads of ‘reasonable’ promises to lull me into a false sense of security and appease me/make me feel I should be grateful and not rock the boat. Didn’t want it to get ugly, why would I get my own solicitors involved, don’t I trust him bla bla bla. In the end it was all a ruse, and I’ve had to go via CSA and have ended up much better off financially than his pathetic ‘reasonable offer’. He was hysterical about me eventually getting legal/outside involvement and that’s because he wanted to squirrel away and hide and spend asset/marital money on himself and continue with his smoke and mirrors.