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Relationships
Basically being blackmailed
strawberrytarties · 19/03/2023 09:40
My DP is saying that unless I borrow quite a substantial sum of money he will not move.
I do not want to borrow this and have said stay where you are then I will move on my own with teen D child.
Problem is we have different values, he is materialistic and so am not.
The problem is I am in a new job and haven't passed my probation period and it seems like the company likes to extend it and keep you feeling insecure. I haven't had a good start. The people there aren't very nice either.
I want to make the move, but I have horrible mental health issues and a disability and I just feel like I won't survive in my own. I have no one else in the world accept for my DP, DC and 1 good friend.
I feel in such a dark place and have constant anxiety and horrible thoughts.
strawberrytarties · 19/03/2023 14:18
Nope you guys have sured up my defences. I think a lot of the anxiety I have been feeling is from his coercion and him making me feel shamed as to what ai can provide for the family without incurring debt.
I absolutely do not want to get a mortgage, as I think there is altering motives on his part to this anyway.
strawberrytarties · 19/03/2023 14:26
@Hbh17 I have never thought about it like that but yes you are right. He only shouts at me when I don't bend to his will anyway.
The thing is when he thought he could borrow money himself it was even worse for me as he wanted to mingle it with mine and buy together. Those were very bullying times for me. The first thing he'd do is remortgage up to the hilt to buy a flash car or spend it all just because he thinks he earns good money. I think he has since found out he can't borrow it.
MyriadOfTravels · 19/03/2023 18:53
I think a lot of the anxiety I have been feeling is from his coercion and him making me feel shamed as to what ai can provide for the family without incurring debt.
You are only feeling bad because you can’t meet HIS standards. You dint have to you know.
And you certainly don’t have to live with a bully that is making your anxiety worse…
Moser85 · 19/03/2023 19:08
Is it really fair to compare this to blackmail?
You want to move, he doesn't, so as a compromise he's saying he'll move if you get a certain type of house.
That kind of arrangement/compromise wouldn't be that unusual.
Lots of people don't want to move but they compromise and say ok I will move as long as can have our dream home/huge back garden/we get a salon built at the back of the house for me etc.
mindutopia · 20/03/2023 00:02
strawberrytarties · 19/03/2023 13:44
@OliveToboogie the anti-depessants were working really well until the workplace trouble and this extra pressure came along.
The thing is antidepressants aren’t there to make us not feel normal human emotions.
You are upset by the sounds of it about his arseholey behaviour. That’s healthy and normal. They are working, but you need to step up and be strong because nothing else is going to protect you from someone who is being a jerk and eroding your self esteem.
I suspect that, without him, you would find these work situations much less overwhelming. You’d be able to grow and focus on the next chapter of your life without all the drama he’s creating.
Usernameisunavailable · 20/03/2023 08:54
Please, please, please do not over extend yourself financially - that’s a disaster waiting to happen. I think you need to rethink the whole relationship, personally. At the very least do not give in and borrow more than you can afford, or even worse join forces with him and buy together. Keep your finances separate and better still, think about separating altogether from this financially abusive, coercive person.
Opentooffers · 20/03/2023 09:26
Unfortunately he's done a number on you and got you believing him that you can't do without him. Once you believe something like that, it's going to make you stick around regardless of how bad his behaviour is. Counselling would be ideal hopefully to help you see that you can make it on your own.
Your fear is likely irrational and put there by him, as it looks like being with him is a higher financial risk than being on your own, so he is no support and in fact saps you. Now is a good time to assess where you are at. Your DC is old enough to look after yourself, so no childcare necessary.
Suppose he agreed to where you want and what to spend? Would you just coast along with the same old shit from him? He's done you a favour by being pie in the sky on this really and showing what a loser he is, it's helped you see things more for what they are. Counselling might help with the situations you find yourself in at work too if you open up about that. You've a lot to contend with, but hopefully with outside help will be able to see that things can be changed one step at a time.
Pixiedust1234 · 20/03/2023 09:53
strawberrytarties · 19/03/2023 13:42
@Rinkydinkydoodle well i vale your advice.
Everybody is making me feel more sturdy.
Yes I would offer on the house in a heartbeat if he didn't exist. I do feel it is exactly what I want and it would be very difficult to find an opportunity like this again in this area. The updating is cosmetic I could like with it as is and gradually do it, Mr Flash couldn't possibly.
I am going to get some counselling, as I think it would be so good for me. I am already feeling stronger just from all your responses.
Go for it. You have one life.
Go for that house.
Go for counselling.
Go to GP for change in antidepressants.
Go for dumping his ass.
DONT go for his larger house.
DONT for for a large loan
DONT stay with him.
Sending you strength but you are stronger than you think 
Isheabastard · 20/03/2023 10:27
I have been on antidepressants for a while as I have high anxiety and can drop into depression.
I am also divorcing and I was feeling as if my A/Ds had stopped working. I went to the Gp and she suggested I double my dose, before trying something else.
I am feeling better now and feel I am able to cope with things again.
I would suggest with all that’s going on you make it a priority to see your GP.
Ofcourseshecan · 20/03/2023 18:10
strawberrytarties · 19/03/2023 12:16
So do you think he likes me to be unhappy, as he thinks it keeps me with him?
Ofcourseshecan · 19/03/2023 12:08
You’ve answered your own question, OP. You would be insane to borrow money to give him the home he wants. You would soon be struggling with debt on top of your other problems. He is using you and he relies on your unhappiness to keep you tied to him. For DC’s sake as well as your own, get him out of your life.
Yes, OP. Exactly that. He relies on your insecurity and your fear of being alone. That is the main reason you are staying with him.
As you say,
I have horrible mental health issues and a disability and I just feel like I won't survive in my own. I have no one else in the world accept for my DP, DC and 1 good friend. I feel in such a dark place and have constant anxiety and horrible thoughts.
I think he is causing a lot of your insecurity and undoubtedly exacerbating your mental health problems. If you felt happy and confident you wouldn’t put up with his nonsense. It’s a vicious circle. I do feel for you, and I’m really hoping you will free yourself of him and find happiness with new friends.
strawberrytarties · 20/03/2023 18:38
Yes you are right. I remember before I had the anti-depressants and I cried a lot. I walked out and he saw my face red-raw from crying and he literally smirked!
I am so mad that I let him brow beat me and shout about that house that I really wanted to offer on, and now someone else has put an offer in. They took my details in case it falls through.
But I am going to listen to you all and stop with the helpless feeling that I always seem to have. I think it comes from here shouting at me and generally treating me badly throughout the years.
LooseGoose22 · 21/03/2023 07:49
he is horrible with money, hence why he can't borrow the money himself.
lol that in itself says it all.
Do not in any circumstances follow any ‘advice’ from him in money!!
Plus he us asking you to take all the risks whilst he is enjoying all the benefits. Nope, nope, nope. Esp as you are not married!!
Yeah that's what I was thinking.
You don't take financial "advice" from people with shit financial histories.
You are entirely correct wanting something affordable.
The fact that he would suggest this and pressure you like this means, sadly, he is not a good partner or person.
strawberrytarties · 21/03/2023 19:24
Yeah he is a shit person! I am definitely listening to you all and getting something affordable. I want a new life anyway.
Cried on the way home from work. Tried to sit quietly today and mind my own business and stay out of the bullies' way. No contact doesn't work, they watched where I went and followed me in. I left so they could make there coffee and then when I came back after a long time, they came back too. I'm so sick of all this why do I get this shit continuously. Someone said it's because I'm a nice person. I am but I also stand up for myself.
On a positive note I put a note through the house I missed out on's door!
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