Basically being blackmailed

[strawberrytarties]

My DP is saying that unless I borrow quite a substantial sum of money he will not move.
I do not want to borrow this and have said stay where you are then I will move on my own with teen D child.

Problem is we have different values, he is materialistic and so am not.

The problem is I am in a new job and haven't passed my probation period and it seems like the company likes to extend it and keep you feeling insecure. I haven't had a good start. The people there aren't very nice either.

I want to make the move, but I have horrible mental health issues and a disability and I just feel like I won't survive in my own. I have no one else in the world accept for my DP, DC and 1 good friend.

I feel in such a dark place and have constant anxiety and horrible thoughts.

[Dacadactyl]

If you feel like you are being blackmailed, do not stay with this man.

If you have different values, perhaps he is not the one for you.

Is he the cause of the dark moods and bad thoughts?

Also, I would recommend that you don't be the one who does all the running to him.

Why do you want to move given that you feel you are being blackmailed?

[CaroleSinger]

Is there a drip feed co ing up? Why do you need to borrow a large sum of money because of this?

[MyCatIsAFuckwit]

DO NOT take a loan/borrow money on someone else's behalf.
I say this from bitter experience and I am paying the price many years later.
Be strong x

[discobrain]

He sounds bloody awful and so go ahead and move, and leave him to his bullshit.

[strawberrytarties]

Dark thoughts are from feeling deeply insecure, feeling alone and feeling that ai can't survive in my own - and yes from him too.

I want to move and buy somewhere else, but he wants me to get a big mortgage as he wants s big flash place and I want somewhere affordable.

[midgemadgemodge]

I suspect that when you leave him and go your own way you will discover that you are actually pretty brilliant and well able to cope and he's messing with your head which is why you feel bad now

[lala2023]

I feel the anxiety would lift greatly if you were not with someone making you anxious

[strawberrytarties]

I know what you mean but workplaces in general make me feel just as insecure and anxious. I feel so trapped and feel I can't survive on my own. I think the trapped feeling is what is causing the horrible thoughts and constant tearfulness. My anti-depressants aren't even stopping the tears anymore.

[Dacadactyl]

Are you considering moving in together?

Or is the house move just for you and your kids?

How long have you been together with him?

[lala2023]

How long have you been with him ?

[strawberrytarties]

We have been together for many years and he is horrible with money, hence why he can't borrow the money himself.

He said if I don't do what he wants, I can just move on my own with our child.

[Shinyandnew1]

Hmmm, I think your life would be immeasurably better without him in it.

[Luckingfovely]

Yup. I know you are feeling vulnerable and change and change seems hard, but your life is not going to get better until you leave this creep.

Deep breath, find your backbone, and move without him!

[Dacadactyl]

@strawberrytarties

We have been together for many years and he is horrible with money, hence why he can't borrow the money himself.

He said if I don't do what he wants, I can just move on my own with our child.

Can he afford to live where he is without your wage then?

[strawberrytarties]

I have deep insecurity that I can't survive on my own - pathetic I know, but I feel so insecure at work too.

[strawberrytarties]

@Luckingfovely

Yup. I know you are feeling vulnerable and change and change seems hard, but your life is not going to get better until you leave this creep.

Deep breath, find your backbone, and move without him!

But what if I get sacked and lose everything?

[strawberrytarties]

@Dacadactyl yes he could easily.

[HettySunshine]

If you are in a new job and still in the probation period, would you able to get a big mortgage even if you did want to?

He sounds horrible op. You are stronger than you think and I think you would be a lot happier without him once you got used to it.

[Dacadactyl]

What we're you like prior to meeting him? We're you anxious about things like this beforehand?

You are catastrophising by saying "what if I can't manage on my own?" Where does this feeling come from? Does he tell you this?

Do you want to leave him? If so, is it only fear of not managing alone that's holding you back?

[frozendaisy]

Having a huge debt in your name will not help you feel more secure OP.

So don't do that.

As for work, you got that job, you deserve to be there. You are not at work to be liked or make friends, you are there to do stuff and they pay you. That's it. Anything else is gravy.

So go to work with just "I am going to be on it, do my job diligently and then go home."

Be polite and helpful and not a push over.

You will survive.
You hopefully will thrive.

But you need to get rid of any dead wood dragging you down.

Have a think about.

Don't take out that loan. If he asks again say "I'm not doing it end of discussion don't ask again you will again be disappointed"

[iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort]

I say this with kindness OP

You may find that your overall happiness , level of contentment and general security may improve tenfold without this weight of a man dragging you down

Please speak to any family , friend or loved ones who genuinely care for you and your child ❤️

Sending you strength love and hope

[Ilovetea42]

Op this sounds like financial abuse. You are worried about losing your job so this is not at all the time to be taking out a massive loan. It sounds like you are much better than he is with money so YOU are the best person to make this call so you don't overstretch yourselves. If the loan is in your name and not his then he doesn't get a say in it. I think it's maybe time to think about what supports you have around you and where you could move that would provide some support. For eg are there family or friends nearby or in a location you'd consider moving to. Could you sign up for counselling and a women's support group or women's social group to meet new people and help you process the changes that come with moving and improve your confidence. This guy is most likely taking more from your happiness than he is adding to.

[parietal]

Can you stay where you are and have him move out? He is not supporting you and you can get him out of your life.

Then in 6 months when you are secure in your job and secure in living without him, then you buy your own house.

[feelinglikeanewparent]

@strawberrytarties

I have deep insecurity that I can't survive on my own - pathetic I know, but I feel so insecure at work too.

I imagine a lot of this stems from him, his treatment of you and the way he makes you feel.

Get rid. You deserve better. Prove to yourself you can do it.

[strawberrytarties]

Thank you for your replies. I am so grateful, I am taking it all on board.

The truth is I came from a very abusive home. I have no one apart from DP, 1 real friend and my beautiful teen. I have always felt deeply insecure even before I met him.

Most workplaces I work at I am targeted by the horrible colleagues. This causes my fear of surviving on my own issues too. My colleague at my workplace now said it's because I'm a nice person.

I had loads of friends at school but all the older girls bullied me, then I went home to more abuse.

I'm sick of trying hard and minding my own business and then people just start on me for no reason. Another of my colleagues is also being set up to fail and it has been horrible to watch.

This is what is causing the dark thoughts, not just him. I'm tired of it all.