Basically being blackmailed

[strawberrytarties]

My DP is saying that unless I borrow quite a substantial sum of money he will not move.
I do not want to borrow this and have said stay where you are then I will move on my own with teen D child.

Problem is we have different values, he is materialistic and so am not.

The problem is I am in a new job and haven't passed my probation period and it seems like the company likes to extend it and keep you feeling insecure. I haven't had a good start. The people there aren't very nice either.

I want to make the move, but I have horrible mental health issues and a disability and I just feel like I won't survive in my own. I have no one else in the world accept for my DP, DC and 1 good friend.

I feel in such a dark place and have constant anxiety and horrible thoughts.

he is horrible with money, hence why he can't borrow the money himself.

lol that in itself says it all.
Do not in any circumstances follow any ‘advice’ from him in money!!
Plus he us asking you to take all the risks whilst he is enjoying all the benefits. Nope, nope, nope. Esp as you are not married!!

Take your distance @strawberrytarties . He is not a good man. At best he is going to take you down with him financially.
At worst, I think his attitude towards money is putting a lot of pressure in you to achieve what HE thinks he should have. Because he can’t do it himself!! No wonder you feel like you are falling/can’t cope on your own. But these are HIS failings not yours.

@MyriadOfTravels this is absolutely spot on. I couldn't have said it better myself.

If he could borrow the money himself, he would.

It's funny you say about not taking his advice as he was mad and asked me why I am not taking his advice and I just laughed and said I would never take your advice in such matters.

I didn't marry him after I found out how careless with money he is. Like you said I don't want to be taken down with him.

This is what is causing the dark thoughts, not just him. I'm tired of it all.
and
Problem is we have different values, he is materialistic and so am not.

The reality is that, at work people fine and go. You can find a new job, a bully will go to pasture anew.
You are stuck with your DP day in day out, someone who will be ALWAYS be difficult to live with because you don’t have the same values.

So yes work I’m sure is being a pain and yes there are issues you still need to deal with re childhood and your ex etc…
But just right now your DP is a big part if tte issue. Instead if helping and supporting you and helping you be the best if yourself, he is dragging you down.
id seriously reconsider the whole relationship. Staying out if fear rather than because you want to/he is enhancing your life us never a good start. You might well find that you’ll be able to deal with work better if you don’t ALSO have to fight to be heard at home too!

Absolutely this. I suggest you do what he suggests and move on your own with your child. Do NOT borrow this money.

@MyriadOfTravels what you said here is so accurate. He even said he was not grateful for what I provide for the family and you are right it's because he feels entitled to what he thinks he should have.

"Take your distance @strawberrytarties . He is not a good man. At best he is going to take you down with him financially.
At worst, I think his attitude towards money is putting a lot of pressure in you to achieve what HE thinks he should have. Because he can’t do it himself!! No wonder you feel like you are falling/can’t cope on your own. But these are HIS failings not yours."

I just need to find some support perhaps and belief that I can survive on my own. Even though due to a physical disability I can't just get anything should I need to.

He said if I don't do what he wants, I can just move on my own with our child.

Sounds like a great idea!

It sounds like you are very dependent on your DP which is a massive red flag and very concerning.

I wouldn’t be surprised if DH likes it this way which is why he is blackmailing you, knowing that you think you can’t cope without him.

Do you work OP?
You need to find a way to build up your self confidence.

You are more than capable of being by yourself and you do not need DP in your life.
I would be letting him know this and actually telling him that if he doesn’t want to move with you then that’s his decision but you’ll still be going - I bet he’s not used to you sticking up for yourself.

As you're on probation in a new job that sounds very insecure, I'm puzzled how you would even be in a position to apply for a larger mortgage.

We have been together for many years and he is horrible with money, hence why he can't borrow the money himself.
**
He said if I don't do what he wants, I can just move on my own with our child.
**
But what if I get sacked and lose everything?

This is bad news, OP, major alarm bells.

If you don’t feel secure in your employment you definitely shouldn’t be taking on more debt. Personally I’d call his bluff, if it’s you or a big house, then let him sort his finances out and buy his own flash pad.

You say you’ve been repeatedly bullied in your life and what he is doing is also bullying. Loving partners don’t coerce one another into stuff they don’t want to do, not sexually, not financially. I can totally understand why you’re afraid of being alone given the experiences you’ve had but hanging on to someone who blackmails you to improve their own status won’t help. It’s grim.

You sound really overwhelmed at the moment and it might be a good idea to speak to someone professionally about your other issues. Make your MH and your DDs well-being your priorities and let him get on with it. It will empower you ultimately, you have enough challenges, you don’t need a parasite.

If I was a gambling person I would put a lot of cash in seeing a big improvement in your mental health if you got rid of that man. He isn't 'dear'and he isn't a' partner '..

You’ve answered your own question, OP. You would be insane to borrow money to give him the home he wants. You would soon be struggling with debt on top of your other problems. He is using you and he relies on your unhappiness to keep you tied to him. For DC’s sake as well as your own, get him out of your life.

I do work, but as I have stated in previous posts it doesn't really build my confidence I just feel pressure and anxiety and I am puzzled as to why me and another colleague have been targeted by the toxic colleagues. It just causes more darkness.

He calls me stubborn, as I do stand up for myself nowadays - probably why he is also issuing me with this coercive ultimatum.

I need a mortgage only to buy the type of property he wants.

So do you think he likes me to be unhappy, as he thinks it keeps me with him?

@Rinkydinkydoodle yes I think I need support. I do not feel well.

I would like to make an offer on a property that needs a bit of updating in a really good location but he started shouting at me that it was a dump. For some reason I am lacking the confidence to offer as what if it is a dump with problems? I am always alone with no one to ask.

@strawberrytarties

About the house:

You’ve said he’s useless with money, he’s enraged when you don’t bend to his will and you wouldn’t trust him to advise you. You know that saying, don’t accept criticism from someone if you wouldn’t accept their advice? He might be right about the house, he might be wrong, but from what you’ve said he doesn’t sound like he’s coming from this from an unbiased or balanced perspective or that you want the same things (you want a manageable financial situation, he’s more keen to incur debt (or for you to do so)).

I wonder if your health challenges mean you feel you need him by your side to cope with a move? If the house you’re looking at needs work and you’ve got other things to deal with that would undoubtedly be easier with a supportive partner. It doesn’t mean you can’t do it alone though, and in some ways it might be easier if you don’t have someone undermining your confidence in yourself.

What would you do if he didn’t exist? Would you offer on the house? Are there other people you can consult with? You mentioned a close friend, run it past them and see what they think? Seek professional advice, get people out to look at it and a better idea of what’s going to be involved and then you’ll know if it’s a good plan or not.

About you:

Given how bad you feel at the moment and how stressful renovation and moving is at the very best of times for people without your work and relationship worries and health issues, I’d maybe be tempted to put the move on the back-burner, just for the moment (unless it’s an opportunity you feel won’t come up again or there’s a pressing reason you need to move now, in which case, see above). There are always more houses, so personally (as a complete stranger on the internet) I’d say prioritise your MH and sort out the stuff you already have to deal with.

Well if he is horrible with money then the mortgage will probably just be in your name. And if you say what he wants is unaffordable, they probably won't let you the amount he wants you to borrow to get the flashy house anyway.

They will only lend you what you can afford.

Take a deep breath. Don't rush into anything. You said anti depressants not working. I was in same situation last year. Chronic anxiety. Found natural remedies worked. CBD oil helped a great deal St John's Wart. Be careful though it can be dangerous taken with some Anti Depressants.

I mean this kindly you seem stuck in victim mode. Try some online forums. You will come out of this stronger. He is using your anxiety for financial gain. Disgusting man.

Does he work?
Whose name is current property in? Do you own or rent?

Are you claiming any benefits you may be eligible for due to your disability?

Have you ever had any type of therapy for your poor mental health or past abuse?

You cannot get yourself into huge debt for a useless man. It will be a weight around your neck and you will be in a financial mess if you suddenly can't work as he won't pay it.

Stop convincing yourself you can't cope alone, because as others have said, if he was gone, so would the abuse and mental torment he is making you suffer daily.

@Rinkydinkydoodle well i vale your advice.

Everybody is making me feel more sturdy.

Yes I would offer on the house in a heartbeat if he didn't exist. I do feel it is exactly what I want and it would be very difficult to find an opportunity like this again in this area. The updating is cosmetic I could like with it as is and gradually do it, Mr Flash couldn't possibly.

I am going to get some counselling, as I think it would be so good for me. I am already feeling stronger just from all your responses.

@OliveToboogie the anti-depessants were working really well until the workplace trouble and this extra pressure came along.

@SpacePotato

Yes he does work but his living beyond his means has wrecked his finances.

No I am not claiming but my disability has got worse and I have a doctor's appointment booked.

I have had some therapy but my insurance ran out.

He probably would pay but I don't want extra debt when we don't need to take it on just so he can have a fancier property.

The only real reason I feel I can't cope alone is that I also feel demoralised by workplaces who are just as abusive. I'm tired of it all.

Thank you all for your replies - very helpful! X

So all the loan is going to be your responsibility as he can't get a loan. This is a massive red flag. In your position I would do nothing for the time being. The job doesn't sound great. But don't make any big decisions yet. Don't take out the loan. Have a think about the job and decide if you want to persevere or start looking for something else.

Don't let him drag you into debt. Wanting to put loan in your name is a huge red flag. Move away from him with your dd and once away from him your mh will likely improve.

You are effectively on your own already because your partner is abusive/useless. So you will do so much better when you get away from him, when you discover that of course you don't need him and that living alone is joyful and liberating.
Please do not give in - if he wants money, he can borrow it himself.