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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband avoids me

62 replies

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 00:29

He feels like a lodger in the house. I spend time parenting and he spends his time drinking. It’s horrible. I go downstairs he stays upstairs until its time for ved and we swap. He stays up drinking. He’s become a master of hiding his drinks too! Im sure he doesn’t realise i know how much hes had. That sound of another can opening but quietly does my head in. Its not nice to walk into a room and it stinks of booze. Also finding empty cans / wine glasses down the side of the bed. Im growing tired of the Bleary eyed look and stale alcohol 🤢 ive tried to discuss it with him but he avoids me, denies, says i nag him, im boring etc. i swear he has issues around alcohol (for a long time). Its just not healthy drinking

OP posts:
dollypartin · 19/03/2023 00:31

He's an alcoholic.

Shmithecat2 · 19/03/2023 00:31

If he won't do anything about it, then it's up to you. Tell him to leave, or stay and put up with it. Seems like your only 2 choices.

PeacefulPottering · 19/03/2023 00:36

Is he drinking to avoid you or avoiding you so he can drink?
If it's the first you have a problem with your relationship, in that he has checked out and drinking is his way of checking out.
If it's the latter, he has a problem with alcohol and is avoiding you to hide it. Neither are great outcomes for a healthy relationship I'm sorry x

Original poster
FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 00:37

I think hes avoiding me to drink

OP posts:
PeacefulPottering · 19/03/2023 00:43

If he's hiding it, minimising it, you are finding bottles, glasses in hiding places, he withdraws and then wants time alone to drink on his own , it's alcoholism I'm afraid. I'm sorry OP x

PeacefulPottering · 19/03/2023 00:49

Alcoholism wants time alone, for the very necessary need to be " drunk" they need to get the fix of alcohol first, nothing will come between them and drink.

Original poster
FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 06:53

I think its very sad that all his free time (he works full time) is spent drinking. Are we really that awful to be around?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 06:56

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 06:53

I think its very sad that all his free time (he works full time) is spent drinking. Are we really that awful to be around?

It’s him that has the problem, it’s not you.
From experience, he will say all the right things when you confront him, make changes, then go back to how he wants to live. I stayed for the kids, so they witnessed this growing up. I should have gone then.

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/03/2023 06:58

He may have a problem with alcohol, it won’t be about you. You don’t have to put up with it.

Dustybarn · 19/03/2023 07:03

He wants to be alone to drink without feeling like he has to make excuses and explain himself. It has nothing to do with your as a person. His relationship with alcohol is his priority. Time for you to move on and protect your DC. Sorry OP, this is a horrible situation but you cannot fix him.

Scrumbleton · 19/03/2023 07:10

Sending you virtual hugs - I've been through this OP - it is alcoholism. My ExH was the same - it got worse and worse. Really try to talk about it and don't pull punches. You'll need to give an ultimatum but this is probably only going to end one way - you and your children deserve better and only he can resolve the situation.

guildingthelily · 19/03/2023 07:12

I separated from my husband who was like this. He totally gave up on family life due to drinking. We have 2 kids. When they were little, he took them out, fed them, played with them etc. But by the time they were 5,6 ish, drink had become his priority.

Eventually I left him. It's amazing. I'm no longer worried how drunk he'll be, how hungover he'll be every day. I am no longer disappointed that he does nothing. I sleep in my own bed with no drunk snoring to wake me up and no drunk sleep talking to wake me up.

My ex will never ever admit he has a problem though.

I have never been happier.

It's liberating.

Original poster
FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 07:13

Yes weve done that. Ive brought it up, hes stopped drinking for a bit, then it’s slowly gone back to the way it was.i feel sad for the kids. I do over compensate I suppose but its always me taking them to the park for a kick around, to clubs etc. im already a single parent

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 07:16

Honestly, don’t waste your life. I feel so guilty that my kids witnessed their dad drinking every single night. I worry that they will become alcoholics too.

Thedarkestblue · 19/03/2023 07:18

As others said, he’s an alcoholic. You’ve already tried to address it with him and he always reverts to alcohol.

Raising your child with an alcoholic will be terrible for you and your kids.

guildingthelily · 19/03/2023 07:20

Exactly. I always did everything for the kids when we were together and still do now we're separated. He only wants to see the kids every other weekend. Which is probably best for the kids really. My kids are now 11 and 12 so much more independent. I can leave them for an hour to go to the gym/shops etc. Only problem is now we all have the same bedtime 😅 so no child free time in the evenings.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I am lucky I have family and friends to help me now and again which is a lifesaver.

changerlot · 19/03/2023 07:21

My dad was a "functioning" alcoholic and a sibling of mine is a raging alcoholic. My dad died due to alcoholism and I suspect my sibling will too.
From what you've described your husband has a massive drinking problem. If he doesn't go to the GP and seek help then honestly in your position I'd leave.
Seeing the destruction my family members have caused is not something I would be prepared to expose my own children to. Alcoholism ripples and ruins the lives of everyone around them.

Friedgreentomatoeshere · 19/03/2023 07:30

It's been said so many times on this site.
When you are in a relationship with an alcoholic there are three of you in the relationship.
You, him and drink. He will choose drink over you every time.
Only he can choose to change that.
If he doesn't want to address the issue you have 2 choices - stay and suck it up, or leave and make a new life for yourself.

Sorry OP, but that's the long and the short of it.

lovedive · 19/03/2023 07:30

This was my sisters life 4 years ago. Her dh would get home from work and then sit in their conservatory listening to music and getting drunk everyday. Never bothered with his kids. Weekends revolves around his drinking too, he'd not want to do days out etc unless it involved a pub. Even holidays were spent with him fishing and drinking. He did nothing with his dc.

She left with the dc. He is loving life drinking himself to death. Sister didn't find it hard at all. Like you've says yourself she was already a single parent.

But the one who has suffered is their dc. They are under camhs. One has been admitted to hospital after harming himself. It has damaged them so deeply. My sister feels so guilty for keeping them in that situation for so long. My nephew has cried in my arms at how he just wants his dad to want him more than drink. It's heartbreaking.

I wish you all the best x

crazylady121 · 19/03/2023 07:31

I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years.If he can't admit he's got a problem then this will be your life.In the end I had to make the choice,take my kids and go.I made right choice.20 years on,he still drinks but on his own.Still to this day he is in denial.Put you and your kidz first.

Justcallmebebes · 19/03/2023 07:47

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 06:53

I think its very sad that all his free time (he works full time) is spent drinking. Are we really that awful to be around?

With due respect, it's not about you, him, the family or your relationship. He's an alcoholic and the alcohol is his primary relationship and the only one that matters, to him

Original poster
FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 07:52

He’s absolutely in denial. Ok im going to have to lay it out. I feel done with the whole relationship. Its like hes so angry, seething in the background. Comes downstairs to criticise my parenting and then scurries back up with a beer. He slams doors. Never has a good interaction with the kids. Whatever i do is wrong. Tired of this

OP posts:
xJoy · 19/03/2023 07:57

It is not you, it's him.
Disentangle yrslf financially, emotionally and practically. He has checked out emotionally so it's "just" the other two.

perfectcolourfound · 19/03/2023 08:09

Honestly, you need to leave him.

I've been there. It's soul-destroying. It's frustrating. You end up constantly resentful. Your children don't get the best of either of you.

I left in the end as I realised I owed it to my DCs. And that I was becoming a shadow of who I was, and before too long they wouldn't have either of their parents in the way they should.

It was the best decision I ever made. Never regretted it for a nano-second.

He's already decided that alcohol means more to him than his family. Do your children a favour and remove them from that situation.

I really, really feel for you. Please be assured that life is so much happier, calmer, easier on the other side.

BritInAus · 19/03/2023 08:18

I left my ex DP of 10+ years as they chose a relationship with alcohol over a relationship with me and our DC.

I can highly recommend it!