Page 2 | Husband avoids me

FeelsLikeALodger · 2023-03-19T00:29:24+00:00

He feels like a lodger in the house. I spend time parenting and he spends his time drinking. It’s horrible. I go downstairs he stays upstairs until its time for ved and we swap. He stays up drinking. He’s become a master of hiding his drinks too! Im sure he doesn’t realise i know how much hes had. That sound of another can opening but quietly does my head in. Its not nice to walk into a room and it stinks of booze. Also finding empty cans / wine glasses down the side of the bed. Im growing tired of the Bleary eyed look and stale alcohol 🤢 ive tried to discuss it with him but he avoids me, denies, says i nag him, im boring etc. i swear he has issues around alcohol (for a long time). Its just not healthy drinking

Greenfairydust · 19/03/2023 08:25

Tell him to leave.

Don't let your kids grow up around an alcoholic. You also deserve better.

Tell him to leave and sort himself out. Plan divorce procedures.

He is a grown man and needs to take responsibilities for his actions/seeking treatment.

frozendaisy · 19/03/2023 08:26

Have you said

"Last chance it's us or the booze"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2023 08:28

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Be completely done with this relationship. Would urge you to seek legal advice and from that commence divorce proceedings. I would also suggest you contact Al-anon and at the very least read their literature if you cannot attend their meetings.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Its also doing your children no favours to remain with their alcoholic father so do not stay with him for the supposed sake of the children.

This man's primary relationship is with drink, not you. All they're seeing in you currently is an overtly preoccupied and otherwise resentful mother because your precious headspace is being mainly taken up by your alcoholic. Trying also to protect your children from his alcoholism whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are fully apart. Your children cannot afford to grow up seeing alcoholism as a feature of their childhoods.

Original poster

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 08:32

frozendaisy · 19/03/2023 08:26

Have you said

"Last chance it's us or the booze"

Yes last time and it’s slowly crept in. I guess i have my answer. I mean really, in the face of losing us and having to divorce and he still denies theres an issue. He makes me feel like im the one with the problem. Im over exaggerating the situation. He goes work all week, why cant he drink??! At the moment, were in the 2 days no alcohol per week but previously it was daily. Im finding, in the other 5 days drinking its binging as if to make up for that.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 19/03/2023 08:33

Do you have access to money so you can leave. He must be wasting loads on alcohol every month.

Original poster

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 08:36

Bananalanacake · 19/03/2023 08:33

Do you have access to money so you can leave. He must be wasting loads on alcohol every month.

I work full time. I have my own money as we keep finances separate.

i would estimate hes spending around £60 per week on alcohol. £240 a month is ludicrous. Money we cant afford to lose. Says he is skint but always miraculously has cash for pub drinks/shop drinks

OP posts:

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 08:38

PeacefulPottering · 19/03/2023 00:36

Is he drinking to avoid you or avoiding you so he can drink?
If it's the first you have a problem with your relationship, in that he has checked out and drinking is his way of checking out.
If it's the latter, he has a problem with alcohol and is avoiding you to hide it. Neither are great outcomes for a healthy relationship I'm sorry x

Immaterial.

He hides the empties, the room stinks of booze, he spends all the time OP is parenting drinking. He's an alcoholic.

It's not helpful to blame his alcoholism on the marriage, & urge OP to fix their relationship in order to "cure" his alcoholism.

She didn't cause it.
She can't control it.
She cannot cure it.

OP - there is support for relatives of alcoholics here -
al-anon.org/newcomers/

SallyWD · 19/03/2023 08:39

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 06:53

I think its very sad that all his free time (he works full time) is spent drinking. Are we really that awful to be around?

I'm sure it's nothing to do with you and the children - he's just an alcoholic. My ex was the same. He'd wait until I was in bed then start drinking. It was absolutely horrible.

lovedive · 19/03/2023 08:40

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 07:52

He’s absolutely in denial. Ok im going to have to lay it out. I feel done with the whole relationship. Its like hes so angry, seething in the background. Comes downstairs to criticise my parenting and then scurries back up with a beer. He slams doors. Never has a good interaction with the kids. Whatever i do is wrong. Tired of this

Yeah sounds just like my ex bil. He'd tell my dsis that she was the reason he drank. Skulked around in a bad mood constantly and especially loved causing a row 30 mins before the off-licence closed so he could storm out in a huff....and buy more cans.

romdowa · 19/03/2023 08:42

lovedive · 19/03/2023 08:40

Yeah sounds just like my ex bil. He'd tell my dsis that she was the reason he drank. Skulked around in a bad mood constantly and especially loved causing a row 30 mins before the off-licence closed so he could storm out in a huff....and buy more cans.

Show quote history

They'll find any excuse to drink and if they can't find an excuse then they'll create one.
Op get your children out of this environment. Living with an addict is so so damaging

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 08:44

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 07:52

He’s absolutely in denial. Ok im going to have to lay it out. I feel done with the whole relationship. Its like hes so angry, seething in the background. Comes downstairs to criticise my parenting and then scurries back up with a beer. He slams doors. Never has a good interaction with the kids. Whatever i do is wrong. Tired of this

Get your kids out of that toxic environment as soon as you can manage it.

You are already a single parent, you will feel - as PP have described above - tremendous relief when you no longer have to tiptoe round his appalling moods, criticism, & avoidance.

His behaviour is NOT a reflection on you.
When he panics because you want to split & tells you he is going to cut down - don't believe him. Ditto any changes he promises. You've heard it all before, & so has every partner of every abusive alcoholic.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2023 08:49

All that he tells you are all words that alcoholics use on and also against their codependent partner. His behaviour is indeed NOT a reflection on you as a person. He could also go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and its never been with you. Living with him is damaging you all. Alcoholism is also called the "family disease" for good reason because all those around the alcoholic are affected.

Original poster

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 12:58

I think he will continue to drink whilst wallowing in self pity telling everyone i was wrong to end it

OP posts:

BritInAus · 19/03/2023 13:15

He may well do. But anyone with half a brain will understand why. And none of that really matters. What matters is your happiness and your children not being around that behaviour. Best of luck OP. It is hard, but so worth it.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 13:58

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 12:58

I think he will continue to drink whilst wallowing in self pity telling everyone i was wrong to end it

And that would be your problem because ...?

Strongly urge you to explore the AlAnon site & get some support for yourself OP.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/03/2023 14:55

I really feel for you. It sounds like a horrible atmosphere for you and the children. If I were you I would plan my escape and tell him at the last minute. I wouldn't want to be in the house with him while he's sulking about it.

What is your home situation like? Do you rent or have a mortgage?

Watchkeys · 19/03/2023 16:27

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 06:53

I think its very sad that all his free time (he works full time) is spent drinking. Are we really that awful to be around?

It's not about you, and you really have to get that into your head. Unless people generally turn to drink when you're around, you're not a person/family who drive people to drink. This response is peculiar to him, not to people around you.

You must extricate yourself from the problem, in your own eyes. You are not the issue here, nor are you a part of it. Even if you were the worst wife in the world, his healthy response would be to leave you. Any unhealthy response on his part is his choice, his responsibility.

Not yours.

You have to decide whether you want to live this way or not, because you've taken the healthy step, tried to talk to him, and he's made it impossible to solve the problem as reasoned adults. This makes it 'your' problem and 'his' problem, rather than him enabling it to become 'our' problem. He's got to sort himself out, and whilst he's not doing this, you've got to work out what you want. This, or something else?

Watchkeys · 19/03/2023 16:28

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 12:58

I think he will continue to drink whilst wallowing in self pity telling everyone i was wrong to end it

What has this got to do with you? He can go right ahead and do that, can't he? He can tell everybody you're a demon, and anybody who loves and respects you won't take a blind bit of notice of him. He'll make a fool of himself, and that'll be the main outcome.

pointythings · 19/03/2023 16:38

I was you. I stayed for far too long. For your sake and your DCs' sake, walk away now. Get help from Al-Anon or SMART Family&Friends - they will help you deal with the feelings of guilt and teach you that you are not alone. There are lots like us.

I can tell you this: life without an alcoholic in it is like the sun coming out. You cannot imagine the extent to which it is better. It's literally day and night. Give yourself that.

Panama2 · 19/03/2023 18:41

As has already been suggested please speak to Al Non they have lots of useful advice.

When you are trying to discuss the situation with him you are not talking to him you are talking to the bottle.

I don’t envy you the road ahead get all the help and advice you can. Do you have family who can offer you support?

Original poster

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 22:09

im quite a strong person and will get through it. I have a couple of close friends and some family around me. He knows its coming. all i can think is he must be unhappy too to drink like this.

Today Hes drank from 1pm and still going strong (2pub pints, 7cans lager, 3/4 of a bottle of wine) thats utterly ridiculous. Ive still had to deal with kids and house drudgery even though its mothers day.

i do daydream about being divorced. Free from the constant worry. I know ill be ok as i run the household singlehanded anyway. I do all childcare and sort bills. I work full time. I save and sort everything like Birthdays and Christmas.

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 19/03/2023 22:16

That’s a crazy amount, especially when it’s day in, day out. I’d leave, like you say you’ll be fine on your own as you’re doing it all anyway. He clearly has no respect or appreciation for you. Good luck

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2023 22:20

I'll be very, very blunt. It's horrendous that you are allowing your children to live in this environment with an alcoholic parent. The damage this is doing to them will be lifelong. This has to end, now.

Original poster

FeelsLikeALodger · 19/03/2023 22:36

Ive just added that up as 27 units in one session. Double the weekly recommendation in one go. Madness

@Aquamarine1029 i know, you are absolutely correct

OP posts:

BritInAus · 19/03/2023 23:18

pointythings · 19/03/2023 16:38

I was you. I stayed for far too long. For your sake and your DCs' sake, walk away now. Get help from Al-Anon or SMART Family&Friends - they will help you deal with the feelings of guilt and teach you that you are not alone. There are lots like us.

I can tell you this: life without an alcoholic in it is like the sun coming out. You cannot imagine the extent to which it is better. It's literally day and night. Give yourself that.

"it's like the sun coming out" OMG such wise words. I 100% agree. Thing were hard after I finally left my alcoholic ex. But life was still a million times more peaceful and happy. I wish I had left sooner than I did.