Husband avoids me

[FeelsLikeALodger]

He feels like a lodger in the house. I spend time parenting and he spends his time drinking. It’s horrible. I go downstairs he stays upstairs until its time for ved and we swap. He stays up drinking. He’s become a master of hiding his drinks too! Im sure he doesn’t realise i know how much hes had. That sound of another can opening but quietly does my head in. Its not nice to walk into a room and it stinks of booze. Also finding empty cans / wine glasses down the side of the bed. Im growing tired of the Bleary eyed look and stale alcohol 🤢 ive tried to discuss it with him but he avoids me, denies, says i nag him, im boring etc. i swear he has issues around alcohol (for a long time). Its just not healthy drinking

I want the peace, calmness and the sunshine! Ok im going to aim to talk to him tonight when we are in from work. Hopefully he wont drink tonight. I mean hes gone to work this morning - he must feel like rubbish today after yesterday. Its like hes got no off switch 🤦🏻‍♀️

Alcoholism and addiction are most commonly associated with internal issues (stresses and trauma) really it is an unhealthy way to deal with a stress response to trauma and typically it will have nothing to do with partners, children etc so in that way his behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you or his love for you.

He is the only person who can deal with his inner world and sort it out. I think that he needs to be allowed to do that by encouraging him to leave to ficus on this. His behaviour will eat away at you and your children. Until he has addressed his demons and his use of alcohol as a way not to deal with his issues he is not available to you and your children as a partner or father. You can support him from a distance as he deals with his issues but anything else would be detrimental to you and your children’s well-being.

The day I walked away,although I knew wasn't going to be easy,I never looked back,the weight off my shoulders,the sense of relief.I gradually found myself again .You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.Until he sees he has a problem nothing will change.Please put you and the children priority.Good luck .

@Lostmarblesfinder has articulated it very well. Ultimately the only person who can address his alcohol dependence is him. You can't help him, you can only give him consequences and follow through. Right now, he has no incentive to change because you are staying with him. Sometimes the shock of realising that there is a cost to being addicted can start that change process - don't rely on that, though. My late husband lost his marriage, his children, his house, and his job and by the time he lost his life, he was still drinking.

Have you spoken to him OP- your latest posts about his drinking sounds just like my ex. He managed about 4 years drinking at that level and then ended up institutionalised with alcohol related brain damage. He's been there for 10 years now.

Is he driving to work after drinking all day/night? I'd be reporting him for that

Hello, thanks for Checking on me! Since my last post, I had the talk over and over. Each time it was incredible as it was like i was talking about the issue completely fresh and it was the first he had heard of it! I ultimately gave him to the end of the month to leave. Yesterday. Hes still here. Says hes not leaving. Poo poos every point i raise (in this post) about how he is/his drinking etc. hes not drank really for the past week and its been nice to have a calm house. what do i do?! Help

Is he doing anything that merits police involvement? Threatening, coercive behaviour? Violence? Drink driving?

Getting him arrested might be a first step to having him assessed medically.

He's stayed off it for a week because he knows he is at risk of losing you and he is hoping you will back down and stay. And it's working. Don't let it work. He's not seeking help, he's not doing AA, he's just gritting his teeth and going dry drunk until you cave.

You can't make him leave because you're married, but you can and should start divorce proceedings. I know it's incredibly tough and the upheaval is enormous, and you'll probably lose your house, but it's worth it.

No, possibly drink driving the next morning on occasion

Whats really annoying is he keeps saying “but i don’t want this” “i want to stay together and not split up” then literally ending the conversation by leaving the room or going into a room with the kids so it shuts the conversation down. So frustrating. Ive asked for a separation, to hive us some time apart to reassess. He could stay with family. I cant as i dont have anyone with space. Plus, its my name on the rental and all bills. As far as my landlord is aware, he doesn’t live here, its just me and the kids. How can i move forward with this?

He will never stop drinking. This is just a tactic as others have said to keep the relationship going. He wants his familiarity to continue. My ex promised he would change , promised he would get help and stop drinking all between gulps of beer from his can. I know what you mean about the sound of a can opening. Every time my ex opened one it set my teeth on edge and made me cross.