I NEED ADVICE, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE>

[Lastlongers]

I NEED ADVICE, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

I am a married man in my early 50’s been married for 27 years this coming July and I and my wife we were both 25 and 26 years of age when we got married.

It is a mixed marriage, we met when she was on holiday “Yes, it is a holiday romance”.
I love her and I’ve always had, we have built so much for ourselves from zero to hero worked hard but achieved.
We have two beautiful kids (young adults) daughter 21 and son 17 I love them to bits.
I don’t want to throw all this away, but I am “unhappy in my marriage but only for sexually”. I am a fit guy with “dad bod”, I go to gym every day running and lifting weights but not retired yet LoL 😊.

Now my question is this. I have high sex drive my wife has low sex drive and this always been like this. I thought if I can get it once a week or every other week, I can live with that but unfortunately that doesn’t happen at all either.

I never put pressure on her and always attempted to talk to her and I am desperate for intimacy, and I am missing that closeness. I am getting frustrated every day, when I try to discuss this issue with her, she is always saying it’s her, not me. (Under normal circumstances, I will think what she is trying to say is, SHE CAN’T STAND OF ME). I am now convinced perhaps she is just saying this to make me feel good.

She thinks I am not trying, perhaps she is right I am not trying it anymore because I don’t want to face the rejections again, it is soul destroying I’ve always been open minded about sex and would like to talk about it, but she never talks about it when I asked.
Over the years I’ve been pushed away my sexual advances.
I’ve eventually, I gave up and stopped trying in the past years or so now I don’t want to face the resentment again it is soul destroying

Frustrating part is that I’ve always felt she have sex with me as if it’s my treat, it is so rare, I cannot remember when last time we have had sex.
I’ve tried four or five times to end our relationship throughout the years, because of this she always cries upset about it.
I’ve always cave in because I hate seeing her upset when we live in the same house, I don’t have anyone/friends in UK to move out.
During that time she will start make amendments I always think maybe this time it will be better when we decide to stay together after a short period of time things goes back to how it was.

Recently it was my birthday, I thought she will attempt to do something special despite asking what I want for my birthday, I made hint that BJ or sex would be nice. However, that did happen and disappointed in me.

Also, there is other thing that always bother me, every time I leave of work and or back home when I try to kiss her, she always gives me her chicks never to lips. I’ve asked her about it as usual she says again it’s her not me, I’ve asked her to change if she loves me, she will do, she says didn’t realise it bothered me that much. Now she went back to her old habits in the last few weeks, I thought goodbye/welcome home kiss is natural between couples. I am kind of a person “Bootle things up” and eventually I burst out that shocks her and asks me where all these come from. She is good at burying her head in the sand and assumes everything is fine if I don’t mention.

I am in my tethers; I want to end it and try to go along on my own rest of my life. I know people of my age would be rather that nowadays because hard to meet someone else again. I love her and care about her, but I think I am not in love with her anymore and I think this marriage lingering on for convenience but not for lust or love for both of us.

I know she is suffering from menopause, but this was same in our 30’s and she was like this maybe it got worst since, I've asked her if she was A-Sexual she say she is not.

I know I’ve never been pushy when it comes to sex, and I’ve always given her own space she does what she wants. Likewise, I do what I want we don’t live in each other’s pocket and we both enjoy gym and exercise classes.

I’ve never worked weekends, so our weekends are free, we always go for long walks late breakfasts and/or for drink after walk etc. I try to make her feel better in anyway I can like booking massage for her or giving her a massage even then no sex, but I cannot do anything for her menopause so she has to ride along herself.

Now I am sure there are people Man or Women in the same situation, what would be your advice, I particular like advice from ladies on this.

Note: Please do not publish or share this thread anywhere else other than Mumsnet.

I am a fit guy with “dad bod”, I go to gym every day running and lifting weights

How much of the housework or life admin do you do and has this been consistentsince your children were babies? Does she have the same amount of free time as you?

She works Wednesday, Thursday and Friday 10 hours a day and free Monday, Tuesday and the weekends, She always says she is busy on her days off such as food shopping etc, I used to believe her when children were young with their clubs and school pickups etc, but then she wasn’t working she was stay at home mum we did have a cleaner than. If you asked her she would say I am better cleaner than her. I clean the whole house whilst she does her early morning yoga class on Saturdays and have a drink with her friends afterwards. I am not here to boast how wonderful I am, I do that so that we can have our weekends free for us do what we want.

Ask for your post to be deleted OP.
Mumsnet are free to post it on their Facebook page, journalists are free to use it in the wider media world.

You've posted on a public forum, it can be used anywhere.

The actual content? Leave or make peace, you can't force her to change no matter how wonderful you think you are.

Does she use Mumsnet at all?

No she doesn't use Mumsnet

Well it doesn’t sound like it’ll get any better. Your choices are to leave or stay in a sexless marriage.

Everyone’s entitled to not have sex if they don’t want too, but I think a lot of people don’t realise how sad it is to not even want to be intimate with your partner. Not even a kiss or any affection, that sounds like hell. I’d leave but that’s easier said than done

Assuming this is genuine, I will answer as I am in the same situation as you but on the other side.

After 30 years there are many reasons I could leave but it's easier to stay. DH is actually quite happy except for the lack of sex.

I'm not going to change and I resent being pestered. Whether it's jokes, serious comments, ignoring it or trying to discuss constantly - it's exhausting and pointless. I don't want sex and that's not going to change.

So ask yourself is sex so important that you want to end the marriage? If it is, then go now, because she is unlikely to change, and why should she force herself to do something just to please you?

That sounds hard for the both of you, and you sound like you've tried to talk it through. However, one thing that can and does put alot of women 'off' so to speak, especially when their sex drive is not as high as their partners is when affection from their partner always pre-meditates them wanting sex. Do you show and give her affection without hinting you want it to lead to sex?
Because its common for someone to back away and avoid completely initiating or being relaxed with intimacy if they think every time, 'oh god hes going to want sex'. So they end up avoiding it completely and then you're in a viscous circle.

So all I can suggest really, is think if this might be the case with your situation, or may have contributed to it. And try being affectionate without mentioning, talking about or indicating you expect the affection to lead to anything. With the hello/goodbye kisses, just give her a kiss on the cheek if thats what she likes. Maybe the occasional hug. A passing kiss or hug when shes sat reading, or cooking or going about her day. Holding her hand when you're out on your walks. This might help her to realise its not always going to end in you asking for or expecting sex and she'll relax more, as the pressure will be off. There is nothing that kills a womans libido faster than feeling every intimate moment is expected to lead somewhere.

She doesn’t want sex and she doesn’t like being kissed on the mouth.

Accept that.

Now decide what you want to do about it - put up with an mostly sexless relationship because you value the rest of it
Or
split up and look for a relationship with someone with a compatible sex drive.

Do not hint, nudge, tease, etc for sex because it will only make her resent you. (Blow job for your birthday? Jesus)
She has made it clear she’s not going to work on that aspect of your relationship, so respect that and make your own choice.

Yes this is genuine post!

1. Yes sex is important to me because I might be in my 50's but I am not dead.
2. I love her, but no intimacy make it very hard to be close
3. I've never pushed her to do something, however, I've always felt she does it to please me, knowing she doesn't enjoy makes feel worst hence why I fake it to finish sooner.
4. I am confused hell out of the situation, knowing it will hurt her and me never mind the kids.
5. 26.5 years is long time being with someone and the being the one who destroys. but I need to be intimate and close too.
6. I am finding it very hard I mean very hard.

Easy said and done when you have been with someone 28 years 26.5 years of marriage. That what I find it very hard, I am/will be the destroyer of this marriage.

As for asking for BJ/Sex for birthday present because like I've said I was hoping it will be treat. If I don't event get that what is there left to resent me anymore.

By definition, she is doing it to please you.

You feel bad because you know this and you know she doesn't want to do it.

There is no right and wrong here, both your feelings are valid but sadly totally incompatible.

It's a really clear situation tbh. Is sex worth ending your marriage? No judgement from me - DH may well leave me over this and I'm resigned to that.

But you have to make a decision and live with the consequences either way.

Can you understand that asking her do something you know she doesn't want to do as a treat for you is really unpleasant?

You're saying ...... I know you hate this but I'll enjoy it and I don't really care about your feelings as long as I get what I want. Can you understand how that makes her feel?

OP I don't think any man can ever imagine the impact that the menopause has on a woman's sex drive. It's absolutely life-changing. Whether you have a dad bod or not, your wife simply isn't interested in sex like many many women who are menopausal.

Well, I know but I have never been pushy with her doing usual couple things with her hence every 6 months no sex and not wanting to kiss is lame. I am pretty patient and I deserve to ask that much from my wife and in fact I can demand to know why she doesn't want to have a sex with me.

however, she always says its not be its her is very hard to live with, question mark is is she hate sex that much. She doesnt say that either when we talked about it.

OP why have you asked for opinions and then argued back on every single point made? Do you want us all to just tell us you're right?

The sad truth is I do understand it is life changing, and pretty horrible for women in menopausal age. Something I cannot help her, I can offer help but what can I do when she has hot flushes or frequent/infrequent period nothing.

Yes I have been patient and in fact she has been like this throughout in this relationship in her 30's 40's, than I was suppressing myself as she was my mother how hard that is in itself. We were lucky she was stay at home mum to be able to look after them and she always said she enjoyed.

Now, I am not sure what else I can do to help her. we are in our 50's kids are growing up I think as part of this relationship I should be able to ask for occasional sex and I should be able to demand as we have a lot of free time in our hands.

Not much can be done about mismatched sex drives. If you want sex once a week and she wants sex er, never, there is no possible way to make it work. I honestly think you should break up. Don't torment your wife by trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to, but also don't torment yourself by living a sexless existence. The only other solution I can think of is to have an open marriage, but I have never actually seen this work in real life. That's not to say it can't work. I've just never come across a case where this worked successfully long-term.

You 100% cannot demand anything of your wife.

Has she ever said why she doesn't want to have sex, or does she just say it's not you, it's her?

Were your sex drives similar when you first met?

You cannot EVER demand sex off ANYONE! Don't be so entitled!

She doesn't want sex with you, you need to face up to that. Personally I couldn't be in a sexless relationship either, I would end it.

Look if she's been this way for years and years it's not going to suddenly change. You don't have to stay in a relationship where your needs aren't being met.

You can either end it or ask her to open the marriage up and get it elsewhere. Dont pressure her and don't go elsewhere.

I couldn't live in a sexless marriage with no intimacy. It's a deal breaker.

Seeing as your wife already didn't want sex in her thirties, I don't think menopause is the reason. Have you asked her whether she doesn't want to have sex with anyone or she just doesn't want to have sex with you?

I cannot do that I cannot be with someone else whilst I am with her, that is cheating and I care about her a lot do that to her. Besides culturally and morally wrong. I've always told her I will live her before I do that...

My dilemma is just "sexual intimacy", other than that love is there for her but this love is turning into more of a Friendship love now.

I am confused the hell out of not knowing what to do. I care a lot about her and I value her too much. I don't want to break her heart, just like every separations one person hurts the most.

I cannot do that I cannot be with someone else whilst I am with her, that is cheating and I care about her a lot do that to her. Besides culturally and morally wrong. I've always told her I will live her before I do that...
My dilemma is just "sexual intimacy", other than that love is there for her but this love is turning into more of a Friendship love now.
I am confused the hell out of not knowing what to do. I care a lot about her and I value her too much. I don't want to break her heart, just like every separations one person hurts the most.