I NEED ADVICE, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE>

[Lastlongers]

I NEED ADVICE, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

I am a married man in my early 50’s been married for 27 years this coming July and I and my wife we were both 25 and 26 years of age when we got married.

It is a mixed marriage, we met when she was on holiday “Yes, it is a holiday romance”.
I love her and I’ve always had, we have built so much for ourselves from zero to hero worked hard but achieved.
We have two beautiful kids (young adults) daughter 21 and son 17 I love them to bits.
I don’t want to throw all this away, but I am “unhappy in my marriage but only for sexually”. I am a fit guy with “dad bod”, I go to gym every day running and lifting weights but not retired yet LoL 😊.

Now my question is this. I have high sex drive my wife has low sex drive and this always been like this. I thought if I can get it once a week or every other week, I can live with that but unfortunately that doesn’t happen at all either.

I never put pressure on her and always attempted to talk to her and I am desperate for intimacy, and I am missing that closeness. I am getting frustrated every day, when I try to discuss this issue with her, she is always saying it’s her, not me. (Under normal circumstances, I will think what she is trying to say is, SHE CAN’T STAND OF ME). I am now convinced perhaps she is just saying this to make me feel good.

She thinks I am not trying, perhaps she is right I am not trying it anymore because I don’t want to face the rejections again, it is soul destroying I’ve always been open minded about sex and would like to talk about it, but she never talks about it when I asked.
Over the years I’ve been pushed away my sexual advances.
I’ve eventually, I gave up and stopped trying in the past years or so now I don’t want to face the resentment again it is soul destroying

Frustrating part is that I’ve always felt she have sex with me as if it’s my treat, it is so rare, I cannot remember when last time we have had sex.
I’ve tried four or five times to end our relationship throughout the years, because of this she always cries upset about it.
I’ve always cave in because I hate seeing her upset when we live in the same house, I don’t have anyone/friends in UK to move out.
During that time she will start make amendments I always think maybe this time it will be better when we decide to stay together after a short period of time things goes back to how it was.

Recently it was my birthday, I thought she will attempt to do something special despite asking what I want for my birthday, I made hint that BJ or sex would be nice. However, that did happen and disappointed in me.

Also, there is other thing that always bother me, every time I leave of work and or back home when I try to kiss her, she always gives me her chicks never to lips. I’ve asked her about it as usual she says again it’s her not me, I’ve asked her to change if she loves me, she will do, she says didn’t realise it bothered me that much. Now she went back to her old habits in the last few weeks, I thought goodbye/welcome home kiss is natural between couples. I am kind of a person “Bootle things up” and eventually I burst out that shocks her and asks me where all these come from. She is good at burying her head in the sand and assumes everything is fine if I don’t mention.

I am in my tethers; I want to end it and try to go along on my own rest of my life. I know people of my age would be rather that nowadays because hard to meet someone else again. I love her and care about her, but I think I am not in love with her anymore and I think this marriage lingering on for convenience but not for lust or love for both of us.

I know she is suffering from menopause, but this was same in our 30’s and she was like this maybe it got worst since, I've asked her if she was A-Sexual she say she is not.

I know I’ve never been pushy when it comes to sex, and I’ve always given her own space she does what she wants. Likewise, I do what I want we don’t live in each other’s pocket and we both enjoy gym and exercise classes.

I’ve never worked weekends, so our weekends are free, we always go for long walks late breakfasts and/or for drink after walk etc. I try to make her feel better in anyway I can like booking massage for her or giving her a massage even then no sex, but I cannot do anything for her menopause so she has to ride along herself.

Now I am sure there are people Man or Women in the same situation, what would be your advice, I particular like advice from ladies on this.

Note: Please do not publish or share this thread anywhere else other than Mumsnet.

I'm not sure that's 'horrible'. She asked him what he wanted for his birthday. He said a shag or a BJ. He didn't force her and he didn't get it anyway since he says he was disappointed.

Its horrible because she has let him know (by various means) that for the past twenty years she doesn't like doing this. As it really really doesn't like it. It shows he hasn't listened to her or respects her. Its called emotional manipulation .

OP - you have three choices here. Stay married and no sex. Leave and have no/sex or talk to your wife about staying married and you seeking sex outside of it. There is no stay married and have sex scenario.

Yup, agree with you there. She will not have sex with him. Hasn't for something like two decades. It's a long enough time to have got the message, surely.

it is not that we never has LOL, otherwise how we would have kids. it is just that not very often, every one or two months if I am lucky. and this is not enough for me... if even it was once a week I wouldnt be putting anything in here for advice.

I don’t think asking for a BJ or sex for his birthday was horrible. A bit crass maybe but it was only a request (which of course she rejected), he didn’t force it on her 🙄. He probably said not out of frustration.

I sympathise with him, as he’s not even getting any intimacy either eg kissing or hugging. It’s a loveless marriage and I think he has been more than patient and understanding!

Well, you said it's been like this she was in her thirties and you are now in your fifties so I assumed she was in her fifties too especially since you said she is menopausal. That makes it twenty-odd years but maybe I'm wrong.

Since OP refuses to answer the question if she's told him why, there's a very good chance he knows but ignoring the issues as it doesn't suit him.

It could have started out great on a holiday romance and ended up with a boner on the back as his idea of foreplay. IOW he got lazy.

All men overestimate their contribution to the house. Cleaning the house top to bottom isn't running the hoover and the dishwasher.

Hygiene another thing that could have gone lax after he got settled in. She doesn't want to kiss him. When was the last time he went to the dentist? Does he brush his teeth 2x per day.

We won't know because OP won't answer those questions.

He has already shown he feels entitled to sex.

Hi emptythelitterbox, here is answer to your questions.

I have asked her many times over the years why this is like this. her answer is always been not you it is me and she say she has low sex drive. with last 2/3 year menopause hit her she is completely gone off sex. I've never pressured but yeah sometimes I make sneery comments about it because of frustration.

Am I bad in bed, that I've asked her about this and like I've said I am pretty open minded to discuss any thing and everything with her she just avoids to talk. I've also asked her if she was A-Sexual, she says she is not, just that I don't believe her I think she is.

Do I pull my weight around the house, truth is if you ask her I am better cleaner than house, whilst she sits around in the gym for coffee with her friends after yoga classes. Yeah there are times I don't want to do house work on my weekends, she works 3 days a week long hours 10 hours a day but she has 2 extra day to do house work. her schedule always busy when she is off hence I end up doing the house work. even kids hates when I start doing house because I move everything around when I am cleaning. 😂

Bad Hygiene, as I said I go to gym, do spin classes and exercise and look after myself dress very, very smartly for me and for her. number of occasions I have been made positive remarks about my dress/clothes style.

If we end up getting separated/divorced, you are absolutely right I wont get any but I will have no expectations either.

However, I am 100% sure there will be someone who will be willing to have sex with me in he future LoL... 😂 Time will tell on that front.

You have two choices:

Stay and accept a sexless marriage.

Leave.

Thems the breaks.

I think it says everything that OP's final threat is that, if they get divorced, he'll move countries so he's hundreds of miles away from his children.

Women aren't attracted to bad dads, OP.

You didn't really answer what I said earlier. Do you do anything affectionate without her thinking you expect sex? Because if affection always leads to sex and she doesn't want sex with you at that moment, shes going to actively avoid any sort of affection. So that shes in no danger of needing to have sex.
You need to address that first if you actually want to stay with her and try and help resolve this.

Simply demanding why she doesn't (she probably is just not in the mood - women take a hell of a lot longer to warm up than men do,. or she realy doesn't know why she doesn't want to) Isn't going to give you an answer. This also probably makes her feel like there is something wrong with her (and why she says its her not you).

And the asking for a BJ. I understand why you did, but honestly if my DP hints at wanting a BJ, it compltely puts me off, even if I was thinking of giving him one. I just then won't. I have no idea why, it just makes me NOT want to give him one. Same for sex. if he showed me physical affection only when he wanted sex, i'd probably just start to avoid it.

You also mention you know she doesn't enjoy sex when you do it. But you carry on anyway, just finish quicker! I find that awful. She should enjoy sex when you have it. What do you do for her, so that she enjoys it too? Do you ensure she is satisifed each time? Or is it a case of you just get on with it and hop off when finished?

If you want to reignite anything, start with being affectionate without the expectation of sex. Have you actually tried that? Surely thats worth a try before you up and leave.

Am I bad in bed, that I've asked her about this and like I've said I am pretty open minded to discuss any thing and everything with her she just avoids to talk.

She is hardly going to tell you that you are though is she. Do you make sure she orgasms every time? I mean, if she doesn't and you just finish when you do, I can understand why its not filling her with enthusiasm.

Sneery comments? Lovely. Gonna have to hide this thread as the op is making me angry. I feel sorry for his poor wife.

Sad though, you are just here try to find always men at fault.!!!

There is no one to blame here, just that two parties at different level of libido and high sex drive issue. Rest of our life is brilliant we do things together, don't live in each others pocket do things we both enjoy whether it is separate or together.

However, I feel sorry for us both why it get to where it is and I am sadden by all this.

Well, I wish she tell me that so that I/We can work together to sort things out.

I have tried many times to talk to her about it. I am pretty open minded when it comes to sex and always interested trying new things and asked her what turns her on.

Once she said would like outside sex, as always I am up for it I've said, unplanned one summer evening we were driving back from gathering suggested do it on the there is nice area tucked away around there, she has straight away shut me down about it. her excuse it was cold, and trust me it was not it was 17c outside in the evening.

Op

you have been very patient and understanding

it is time that you had your needs met

tell your wife you need to take a break from the marriage for the reasons you have described

it is sadly true that menopause destroys sex drive so it genuinely isn’t her fault. testogel from the Gp can I create a woman’s sex drive

She clearly doesn't want to have sex with you anymore, so you need to accept that, or leave.

We were doing what normal people do, we go for walks late breakfasts and/or go for tea & cake etc, at walks we were always holding hands. affectionate I've always been like that I like hello/goodbye kisses, and/or watch movie together etc.

As kids are now old enough to be at home on their own, my Handsome boy 17 at home very self sufficient guy and my beautiful girl is 21 at Uni.

I've also suggested, weekends away, together said it doesn't have to be far away simple suggestion going to London, Edinburgh, Cambridge etc.

We have been to York many time with kids so I don't want to drive long distances anymore. I used to like to be away during the Easter or Bank holiday weekends.

Because I used to work 5 days a week away from home (never worked weekends) whilst she was looking after kids when they were young she wanted to be stay at home mum, by her choice never limit her what she wanted to do. In fact encourage to do more for her self.

As for answer to your question. Am I affectionate, answer is 100% YES, without expectations. However, after long period of SEX, there have been times I wanted something more and because I don't get it I've used to ask her.

other thing it used to piss me off is she used to say I am not being affectionate, from anger I used to tell her exactly what I think and where how often I have been affectionate and in fact how often and when.

I have a habit or remembering things pretty well.😂 even my kids says I remember everything about their childhood, little thing they used to do etc. I tell them make yourself mental note, when time comes your dad used to remember everything. 😂😫

“I want sex”, “if I can get it”. There you go, there’s your answer.

I saw this video on TikTok of all places. A young man who used to have some problems with his wife but they communicated and he took on board what she said and reframed his thinking (his words)…

He was saying how he found his wife so attractive that he just wanted to touch her all the time. How when they hugged he’d just grab her ass or fondle her breasts. He’d sneak in the shower to surprise her. Poke her with his erection in bed. They had young children and the sex begun to dwindle, he assumed because she was tired. The kids got a little older and sex was still sparse so he begun to wonder why. He wanted to leap on her all the time. He showed her how much he loved her and found her attractive by groping at her whenever she was in arms reach. She was touched out and begun to recoil when his hands came near. She turned away from his kisses. Anyway they had counselling blah blah and he was advised to touch her with zero obligation for sex. She relaxed knowing she could be touched by her husband without expectation. She begun to enjoy his touch. They reconnected and voila, sex came back onto the agenda.

Don’t know if it was true, it was on TikTok, but it does make sense.

Flip-side though - life is too short for shit sex and no sex, so do what you need to do. Chances are she will move on too and find someone new and exciting to have special adult cuddles with. So win win. Humans aren’t meant to be monogamous really.

Take it from me - your exact memory of dates, times and activity is not going to help at all.

My DH does similar and it is quite creepy. I say it hasn't been that long and he says it's been xx days and even then we only did xx

It's all pressure and it won't help.