I NEED ADVICE, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE>

[Lastlongers]

I NEED ADVICE, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

I am a married man in my early 50’s been married for 27 years this coming July and I and my wife we were both 25 and 26 years of age when we got married.

It is a mixed marriage, we met when she was on holiday “Yes, it is a holiday romance”.
I love her and I’ve always had, we have built so much for ourselves from zero to hero worked hard but achieved.
We have two beautiful kids (young adults) daughter 21 and son 17 I love them to bits.
I don’t want to throw all this away, but I am “unhappy in my marriage but only for sexually”. I am a fit guy with “dad bod”, I go to gym every day running and lifting weights but not retired yet LoL 😊.

Now my question is this. I have high sex drive my wife has low sex drive and this always been like this. I thought if I can get it once a week or every other week, I can live with that but unfortunately that doesn’t happen at all either.

I never put pressure on her and always attempted to talk to her and I am desperate for intimacy, and I am missing that closeness. I am getting frustrated every day, when I try to discuss this issue with her, she is always saying it’s her, not me. (Under normal circumstances, I will think what she is trying to say is, SHE CAN’T STAND OF ME). I am now convinced perhaps she is just saying this to make me feel good.

She thinks I am not trying, perhaps she is right I am not trying it anymore because I don’t want to face the rejections again, it is soul destroying I’ve always been open minded about sex and would like to talk about it, but she never talks about it when I asked.
Over the years I’ve been pushed away my sexual advances.
I’ve eventually, I gave up and stopped trying in the past years or so now I don’t want to face the resentment again it is soul destroying

Frustrating part is that I’ve always felt she have sex with me as if it’s my treat, it is so rare, I cannot remember when last time we have had sex.
I’ve tried four or five times to end our relationship throughout the years, because of this she always cries upset about it.
I’ve always cave in because I hate seeing her upset when we live in the same house, I don’t have anyone/friends in UK to move out.
During that time she will start make amendments I always think maybe this time it will be better when we decide to stay together after a short period of time things goes back to how it was.

Recently it was my birthday, I thought she will attempt to do something special despite asking what I want for my birthday, I made hint that BJ or sex would be nice. However, that did happen and disappointed in me.

Also, there is other thing that always bother me, every time I leave of work and or back home when I try to kiss her, she always gives me her chicks never to lips. I’ve asked her about it as usual she says again it’s her not me, I’ve asked her to change if she loves me, she will do, she says didn’t realise it bothered me that much. Now she went back to her old habits in the last few weeks, I thought goodbye/welcome home kiss is natural between couples. I am kind of a person “Bootle things up” and eventually I burst out that shocks her and asks me where all these come from. She is good at burying her head in the sand and assumes everything is fine if I don’t mention.

I am in my tethers; I want to end it and try to go along on my own rest of my life. I know people of my age would be rather that nowadays because hard to meet someone else again. I love her and care about her, but I think I am not in love with her anymore and I think this marriage lingering on for convenience but not for lust or love for both of us.

I know she is suffering from menopause, but this was same in our 30’s and she was like this maybe it got worst since, I've asked her if she was A-Sexual she say she is not.

I know I’ve never been pushy when it comes to sex, and I’ve always given her own space she does what she wants. Likewise, I do what I want we don’t live in each other’s pocket and we both enjoy gym and exercise classes.

I’ve never worked weekends, so our weekends are free, we always go for long walks late breakfasts and/or for drink after walk etc. I try to make her feel better in anyway I can like booking massage for her or giving her a massage even then no sex, but I cannot do anything for her menopause so she has to ride along herself.

Now I am sure there are people Man or Women in the same situation, what would be your advice, I particular like advice from ladies on this.

Note: Please do not publish or share this thread anywhere else other than Mumsnet.

I cannot do that I cannot be with someone else whilst I am with her, that is cheating and I care about her a lot do that to her. Besides culturally and morally wrong. I've always told her I will live her before I do that...
My dilemma is just "sexual intimacy", other than that love is there for her but this love is turning into more of a Friendship love now.
I am confused the hell out of not knowing what to do. I care a lot about her and I value her too much. I don't want to break her heart, just like every separations one person hurts the most.

Then you'll have to either leave or suck it up. You can't force her to do what she doesn't want to do OP. Accept that part of your life is dead or have a peruse of Lovehoney for some gizmos.

I'm in a similar situation and it sucks. Or doesn't lol. We haven't had sex for over two years my oh says he has no desire. This was fine with me until I started hrt and now my libido is like a 30 year old and I have to please myself. It's a shame but I love him so we muddle along.

Go out and have sex. If she doesn't like it, tough. Let her step up to the plate. She has no right to expect you to stay celibate.

There's no compromise possible here - she doesn't want sex, you do.

So choices

• you split up
• you agree together to have an open relationship where you may or may not have a sexual relationship from time to time with each other if she wants, and are both free to pursue outside sexual relationships
• you agree to end the relationship as a conventional marriage but continue to live together as friends/companions and are both free to pursue outside sexual relationships
• you accept a sexless relationship

Its tempting to see this as a straight swap. Sexless marriage for a future with sex in it. So while it's difficult to split, the prize is worth it, no? But realistically I think when making your decision you need to factor in just how many 50+ single men out there aren't having regular sex either.
You could leave, with all the upheaval that will cause, only to find you're stuck by yourself in a flat somewhere, getting rejected on dating aps.
Im not saying you should stay in a sexless marriage, but just to be aware you could end up even worse off.

I agree with this.

There isn't a right and wrong here, you have mismatched sex drives.
You always have had and you have made do for years but now it has trickled down to nothing you don't want that any more.

Sex is a part of marriage, so it is not unreasonable to say that once the sex has gone, one partner may wish to leave.

I wonder if it would help you both to go to a marriage counsellor. I am not suggesting that the sex dynamic would change, but it sounds as if you are struggling to discuss it and a counsellor would help you to do that.

You cannot demand anything actually, that's the problem, and each time you raise the subject the problem gets worse.

This is a really really simple issue. You want sex and she does not and she doesn't have to justify or explain and if you think that is "lame" then that's fair enough.

But all the feelings you are expressing can't be used to make her the bad one. It's not right v wrong or good v bad. You know the position and she isn't budging so stop trying to convince her to change.

Stay or go. Either way it's your choice and you will have to deal with the consequences.

You can’t have what you want/need. You know the options so it time to choose. All I would say is that you should go for sex counselling as this will ensure you have it all covered, and if she won’t then you have your answer anyway… she doesn’t want a sexual relationship or intimacy with you. No one is wrong’ just different. Tbh I think if this is the definitive answer you will end up being open to other relationships and it will end anyway

in fact I can demand to know why she doesn't want to have a sex with me.

I suspect its your attitude that's putting her off. Just because she is your wife that doesnt mean you can demand anything of her. You asked her to do something she doesnt want to do (and has said she doesnt for twenty ish years) because its a treat for you...that shows you have zero respect for her, and she will know that. Its just another thing that will turn her off you.

You keep going on about different cultures/country so was this a marriage of love, convenience or arranged?

Actually, he does have a right to know why she doesn't want to have sex with him. I think she owes him that much. No, he can't demand sex of her but he can demand to know why she won't.

@Pixiedust1234 He has already said he met her when she came to his country on holiday. It was a holiday romance. So I assume it started out of love/lust.

You don't seem to know why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Have you ever asked?

Chances are you're bad in bed, you haven't pulled your weight at home, poor hygiene, sex pest.

Which of those do you think it is?

There isn't exactly a line up of women wanting to have sex with 50 year old men. If you leave, you may not get any at all.

You probably need to end things.
whether she cries or not. Someone can’t hold you hostage with their emotions, and you can’t change anyone else’s sex drive.

You need couples therapy. I couldn’t stay in a sexless relationship, especially one with zero intimacy. You’d have more sympathy if you switched the sexes around.

That's a bit harsh.
-Bad in bed: Unlikely. It started as a holiday romance. What woman (or man for that matter) has a holiday romance with someone who's a shit lay?
-Not pulling weight: Unless he's lying, he seems to be doing quite a lot around the house. Cleaning the house from top to bottom while his wife goes out for yoga and drinks with her mates.
-Poor hygiene: No way of knowing, but as before, she was attracted enough to him to have a holiday romance and marry him.
-Sex pest: Seems he is definitely guilty of this, but it's chicken or egg isn't it? He's become a sex pest because she won't have sex with him. At this point, it sounds like whether he begs for it or not she's not having sex with him anyway, so probably not fair to say she's not giving him any because he's a sex pest.

Why do you assume the problem is on his side? It could be that she's just become asexual and nothing's going to change that. Or she's gone off him through no fault of his. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with her husband, it's not always the man's fault.

I think you sound like a decent man who has tried for a long time to put up with something that is making you unhappy.

I don’t think this will change. So the question is: do you want a sex life enough to end your marriage? Only you can answer.

I ended my sexless decades long marriage in my 40s and now have a very happy sex life with someone new. No regrets here but only you can know for you.

Good luck, whatever you decide :)

I should be able to ask for occasional sex and I should be able to demand as we have a lot of free time in our hands.

Ask, yes. Demand, absolutely not forcing her to have sex is rape. Really sad that still has to be said.

There has been some good advice already but it's clear you don't want it. You are both right, it's unfortunate that your wants are incompatible but consent trumps you wanting sex.

Not everyone enjoys physical intimacy and those feelings change over time. If it's a big enough issue then you'll have an open and honest conversation and between you decide if there is a compromise or it's over without demands.

Note: Please do not publish or share this thread anywhere else other than Mumsnet.

Mumsnet is a public forum.

This is in the Ts & Cs:

By submitting User Content to us, simultaneously with such posting you automatically grant to us a worldwide, fully-paid, royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable, non-exclusive, fully sublicensable, and transferable right and license to use, record, sell, lease, reproduce, distribute, create derivative works based upon (including, without limitation, translations), publicly display, publicly perform, transmit, publish and otherwise exploit the User Content (in whole or in part) as Mumsnet, in its sole discretion, deems appropriate.

From: www.mumsnet.com/i/terms-of-use

By posting you accept the Ts & Cs

I think you’ve been reasonable here. I think it’s unacceptable that anyone with a sex drive should go without in a marriage. And I respect that you haven’t looked elsewhere because plenty of men would!

I would suggest marriage/sex therapy with your wife. If she refuses then you’ve tired everything and then, if it was me, I’d leave. You could live for another 40 years - do you want to remain celibate for the rest of your life?

I think you have grown apart. You either stay and don’t have sex but have fun with your best friend. Or you leave, go online dating and meet lots of women for quick sex. But you may not meet your best friend. Or you may meet a woman a lot younger than you who wants children which is fine until you are 60 and she is 40……..good luck. Nature is cruel to women.

Recently it was my birthday, I thought she will attempt to do something special despite asking what I want for my birthday, I made hint that BJ or sex would be nice. However, that did happen and disappointed in me

This is horrible , really really fucking horrible. You should not have done this.

Why would you want someone to suck your dick knowing they hate every moment of it?

Men in their 50s on on line dating do not meet loads of women for quick sex. Nor do they find a queue of 'a lot younger' women lining up for middle aged partners to procreate with. No offence to the OP, but there is nothing in his post that suggests he would be one of the vanishingly few men in his age group that young women are going to be interested in. Nature takes its toll on men even more harshly than women, and its a disservice to give him false expectations. The older men I know on OLD really struggle, and they're offering relationships not quick sex.

I know it is horrible thing to say, but she asked what I want for my birthday, I've said that.

Because maybe it is from frustration that she never wants to do anything sexual with me.

Thank you very much 5128gap for the comment and your answer. I agree there is a saying grass is greener on the other side but it never is.

Regardless, for women of any age a lot easier to find a men (even if it is just for hook-ups) but us for man this is hard with age over 50's I can say as far as impossible now a days. Besides, FOR MAN it is scary for someone new coming out of long term relationship to find another person because they would not have experience in dating zones and/or flirting etc.

Besides, I am not looking for any one for replacement, if happens to be we end up getting divorced I've said to her I will move back to my country and live in my little village. I know this would be hard for kids because dad they know no longer in reach but 1000's miles away. I cannot afford to live here on my own after divorce.

Although I have good job and pays well, but I cannot sell my house or kick her out or let my kids down until they permanently move out, us man would have to think about all these little things (not all men do think of these though).