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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What did sexual coercion look like for you?

71 replies

Ellipsis7 · 15/03/2023 20:52

Hey, just thought I’d seek out others’ experience in this department. My relationship is generally great, but the constant sexual coercion is becoming a dealbreaker.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/03/2023 20:55

In what way? If its guilting you into sex. That's not alright. And, it's abuse. I'd leave no second thoughts

LostDrowning · 15/03/2023 21:13

Constant guilting, sulking, shouting, yelling, arguing, lots of .. 'don't you love me' ' you must not love me' 'do you want someone else' 'your so cold hearted' 'stop being a prude' and point blank just going on and on to the point sometimes it was often in me and he was already started and I would be giving in because what was the point. He was never violent about it (shouting etc) but just laid it on thick and wouldn't give in, he was relentless .. but he was because I allowed it. He pushed boundaries because I constantly allowed it so. I gave in because it was easier than the arguments and guilting and everything else that came after if I did say no. At first I would fake it until he made it it gradually ti got to a point I was often in pain and just zoned out (not that he noticed - although a few times he actually said I looked in pain and it was off putting but not once did he ask if I was and if I was okay ... he even often look at me like it was the most most loving act ever ... followed by finishing and rolling over and going sleep)

In return I now have no self esteem. no confidence. I feel utterly broken. I didn't actually realise the harm I was doing to myself until its too late. I am mad at him but I am more mad at myself because of the damage I have caused myself and what I have made him but not being more form and setting those boundaries.

Dery · 15/03/2023 22:26

It’s difficult to face up to such painful realities but your relationship cannot be great if you’re being repeatedly coerced into sex, OP.

Dery · 15/03/2023 22:33

@LostDrowning - your post is heartbreaking. None of what happened is your fault. You have been a victim of sexual assault and rape repeatedly at the hands of someone who should have been a safe harbour for you. It is completely his fault. You have internalised his voice. So when you say “you let him” - that’s his voice blaming you for his crimes. I hope you are away from him now. You will be massively traumatised. Are you getting good support in real life to help your recovery?

Dery · 15/03/2023 22:34

And by the way - he was always violent. It is possible to be violent without hitting someone. In fact, it’s possible to be violent just through words and pressure. He was constantly violent.

Toiletfriend · 15/03/2023 22:39

He didn't shout, he wasn't physically abusive, didn't call me names... but he would sulk, moan, pester... it easier to give in. I clearly didn't enjoy it or put any effort in but he didn't care.

He even let me have a cat in exchange for twice weekly sex.

We split once before splitting properly and I told him I didn't want to have sex with him any more so he knew. So glad it's over now.

TheEarlofButties · 15/03/2023 22:39

My god @LostDrowning are you still with this man? That was difficult to read. I second everything @Dery said

Chipsandcheese123 · 15/03/2023 22:45

I didn't know it was. Someone else told me guilt tripping/ sulking/ agreeing to things to improve the atmosphere was coercive. I don't agree- going along with things to make life more pleasant/ easier is a decision I made when I could have said no.

It's not until after leaving and accepting there's no going back/ having that distance that the regret and self hatred are coming through. Why my self esteem was so low that my boundaries disappeared and that I went along with things I didn't want to just to make him happy......

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 15/03/2023 22:46

Constant mid-level pressure, but never explicit or verbal and never loving. Growing focus on hints/turning everything into a joke about sex until we had sex. Asking again and again and again for things I said no to, until I gave in. Every birthday and christmas giving vulgar sexual gifts I hated. It was always there. When my mum phoned he’d stand in front of me and drop his trousers and wave his dick at me. Sexy underwear at xmas carefully disguised so I opened it in front of the family. That kind of thing.

Eventually it broke me.

And two things

  • when he realised I was serious about leaving he stopped doing it all, immediately. He knew all along how much I hated it
  • when I did leave he was genuinely devastated.
Freedom2023 · 15/03/2023 22:48

@LostDrowning I felt very similar to you when I left my abusive husband. I recently completed the Freedom Programme and it really helped me to see that it absolutely 100% wasn't my fault. We only think of fight or flight as trauma responses but it's actually fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Giving in to sexual coercion is fawn....it's a trauma response to avoid conflict. I can see now that choosing fawn helped me to keep my sanity in the moment as I wasn't ready to accept what was happening. I felt very angry with myself for a long time but understanding why I reacted the way I did has helped me to stop feeling that way.

User0610134057 · 15/03/2023 22:49

Cajoling me, persuading me, touching me when I’d said no. Knowing that there’d be sulking and stomping around if it had been ‘too long’ or I made an excuse too much.

User0610134057 · 15/03/2023 22:51

I left 5 months ago btw. And in my case was one occasion where he didn’t physically stop until I pushed him off. Horrible divorce stuff ongoing but so glad to have left and not hear those footsteps on the stairs at bedtime and the dread, and not be mentally calculating how long it had been and whether I had to do it.

Freedom2023 · 15/03/2023 22:52

OP I'd recommend reading the book 'Living with the Dominator' from the Freedom Programme
It has a chapter in it called 'The Sexual controller' you can download it for free online.

Saladdressed · 15/03/2023 22:56

Constant, constant badgering for sex "it'll only take a minute". Then acting like I was rejecting him if I said not (for example because I had to leave for work).

Wanking constantly so if I went in a room he might be there wanking and would then ask me to join in, then sulk or badger me if I said no. Used to do this with the kids awake/downstairs.

If I text him from the shops to ask if we needed anything he'd ask for stockings and a blow job.

Hard on if any physical contact and then sulking if i didnt pursue it.

Groping me if my hands were full or i was busy e.g. washing up, gettinf something out of the oven, picking up kids. This,was constant.

Used to shout at me if I came too quickly or wanted to stop sex because it was uncomfortable. He wanted to go for hours. I also wasn't allowed to go on top - he had to be in full control.

Called me prudish and vanilla for not wanting sex enough.

Tried to stick his fingers/tongue in my arsehole constantly during sex despite me being very clear I'm not into anything anal.

The worst two incidents were waking up one night to find him trying to penetrate me - he claimed he had also just woken up and we must have both started sex while asleep - believed him at the time but now I'm not sure. And him starting wanking while we were in bed, me telling him that I didn't want to do anything but him continuing and coming on me.

I'd buried a lot of this till we split up and even now am ashamed so NC for this post.

LostDrowning · 15/03/2023 22:59

I just realised a lot of my post had typos. I was meant to say he wasn't violent about it other than shouting etc. Other mistakes I think are easy to work out.

@Dery We are currently separated, although he is begging and pleading for me to try and saying he has changed. It is really difficult to see him hurting. Hes hurt me and I know this and feel this but yet I seem to care more about the hurt I am causing him.
I did work with a DV team for a bit and was working with a therapist but I cant afford it right now but do plan to go back. I struggle to say it was abuse or anything when I feel like I caused it. If i had been more firm and didnt give in he wouldn't have thought it okay. He would do it because he knew I would give in. He even said once after ... 'at least you know you get a break now for a couple days'

LostDrowning · 15/03/2023 23:10

oops, didnt mean to press replt so soon then

@TheEarlofButties I am not, he actually got the keys to his new place today , although he is currently downstairs on the sofa.

@Freedom2023 I have actually been recommended the freedom programme a few times but I just feel so silly. He didnt pin me down or anything and im certain had I yelled and screamed he would have listened but I didnt. I gave in. I made a choice. Yes because it was easier than an alternative of what would come but still I did.I will admit the damage it has done though, I feel beyond broken. It got to the point I would cry during and just turn myself into a certain position so that he wouldnt see because I just wanted it done ..Also if I stoppe dit half way hed say I was leaving him in pain etc etc. i will never forgive myself for this. I do understand his actions were wrong, i do see this but I allowed it so I feel to blame just as much if not more.
Maybe I will look into the freedom programme.

Really conscious of not taking over this thread.

OP I really hope you are okay.

Freedom2023 · 15/03/2023 23:12

@Saladdressed reading your post was like I'd written myself. My ex husband did exactly the same things. It's like a fucking script isn't it.

Freedom2023 · 15/03/2023 23:20

@LostDrowning please please know that whilst you might have made the choice, you didn't make that choice in conditions of your own choosing.

Even now, a lot of the time I still tell myself it wasn't abuse, it's a survival technique because sometimes admitting the alternative is just too hard but I know now, deep down I know and it stops me from beating myself up.

When I first attended the Freedom programme (I did it over 12 sessions) I did not see myself as anywhere close to suffering the same abuse as the other women there. I had real disconnect, and still do sometimes. But I'll tell you this, completing it has taken me from a place where I felt I couldn't live without him and ensured that I will never ever go back to him.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 15/03/2023 23:23

Looking back the very first sign was him saying "I've got a high sex drive and I need to be with someone who matches it or else I'll look elsewhere". This was after he'd snared me through love bombing.

That comment quickly turned into "if I don't get it off you then I'll go elsewhere"

Sulking, slamming doors, not looking after the kids so I could work/socialise as a punishment.

Constantly groping and grabbing at me. I'd be driving along a dark windy country road and then he'd start groping at me. To me it's just bonkers but there were no limits and it was constant.

Coerced sex is rape anyway but this pattern of behaviour eventually escalated into full blown rape where he didn't even try and ask or guilt me into it, he just did it regardless.

Billyhargrovesmullet · 15/03/2023 23:28

Sulking, anger, verbal abuse, insistence on sex every day, I look back and I just used to give in to keep him in a good mood and I wish I’d stood up to him but it was easier to give in

Opentooffers · 15/03/2023 23:54

Constant is becoming a dealbreaker? Any at all would break the deal for me these days. Mind you, just reminded of one instance many moons ago. I was young and he was stupid - emotionally, not academically somehow.

Ghostbuster2639 · 16/03/2023 00:31

All the above. And groping me while I was asleep.

bluebeardswife7 · 16/03/2023 01:01

Dery · 15/03/2023 22:33

@LostDrowning - your post is heartbreaking. None of what happened is your fault. You have been a victim of sexual assault and rape repeatedly at the hands of someone who should have been a safe harbour for you. It is completely his fault. You have internalised his voice. So when you say “you let him” - that’s his voice blaming you for his crimes. I hope you are away from him now. You will be massively traumatised. Are you getting good support in real life to help your recovery?

I second this . I hope you are free now 💕💕

bluebeardswife7 · 16/03/2023 01:03

I wish all the other posters strength and happiness in the future too.

Goodread1 · 16/03/2023 05:18

Sexual coercion, looks like someone expecting you to perform to in a sexual manner in any way that's like they are a film director of Adult 🎬 movie, and you are the actress,
Type of dynamic,

Even something as innocent as kiss 💋 becomes like a tempt to tell you how to improve your kissing 💋 technique, for e.g how your kissing to him comes across like limp attempt no passion behind it, ect,

It's odd, peculiar that 😳 you will feel like you are blow up Adult sex shop doll or a Adult sex doll 🤖 Robot
Expection is that you are akin to female human equivalent of a performing 🎭 circus 🎪 seal /aquatic pool show...

Run 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️run 🏃‍♀️ opposite direction

Massive Red flag like a communist old guard Reunion get together

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