What did sexual coercion look like for you?

[Ellipsis7]

Hey, just thought I’d seek out others’ experience in this department. My relationship is generally great, but the constant sexual coercion is becoming a dealbreaker.

Constantly making affection turn sexual eg. Me sitting on his lap and hugging turns into a hand going down my trousers and if I pushed his hand away he would stop hugging me and be cold. Also ridiculing me for being a prude, telling me I was playing games, silent treatment, and the worst one - one night waking me up in the middle of the night and when I said no, quietly ignoring that I said no and doing what he wanted anyway. At that point I just gave in and gave up, I suspected he might throw me out his flat in the middle of the night if I’d said no again. And I was a lot younger and didn’t have lots of money for taxi / hotel etc so I think it was a mixture of fear and desire for people pleasing . Thankfully I never came back to his flat or had any further sexual contact with him after that night.

Op, your relationship can’t be great apart from the continual sexual assault - it’s not a great relationship at all if he does this to you. He’s essentially raping you every time he coerces you into sex

I hope you’re all safe and a million miles away from these men now on this thread 💜

My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered such terrible trauma.u are worth more than this. Get all the available help,put yourselves first. In time perhaps you will decide to look again. There are people out there who are not abusers,who will treat you equally, who will enjoy being intimate with you when you both want to be,who will laugh at the act itself along with enjoying it. Had this once. Hand hold to you all.

I hope you’re all safe and a million miles away from these men now on this thread 💜

Thank you. I'm divorced and with a new partner now and sex between us is a revelation to me (but probably just what other people are used to in their relationship!) No pressure, no demands, no stress.

I have had to recalibrate myself though as sometimes I feel like my partner doesn't find me attractive as he isn't constantly pestering me.....I had been conditioned into that being how life was.

@LostDrowning - you did nothing to make him think this was okay. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He should have respected your no but he persisted and eroded your boundaries. You did what you needed to do to keep yourself safe. You were surviving. I was helping interview a victim of sexual violence yesterday to get evidence for her non-mol application. Her husband imposed a schedule of sex every other day - he claimed this was a 50/50 split of their needs. We asked her - how often would she have chosen to have sex? She cried because she had no idea of what her chosen frequency would have been if she’d been allowed a normal sexual relationship. She had simply not been allowed to consider her needs.

Remember - with domestic abuse, you are a victim living with repeated crime against you, at the crime scene, with the criminal. This is incredibly damaging. You are a survivor. You will NEVER be safe with this man - how he treated you is who he is. Please keep him away or he will destroy you. Get as much help as you can to keep yourself free.

Having no personal 'no!'

I now have a no and I use it.

Yes! Feeling like an actor in his personal porno is right.....

Sulking if he doesn't have sex
Withholding affection
Pressurised into doing things I'm not comfortable with
If I don't do these things more sulking
Unwanted touching at inappropriate times
Constantly mentioning sex
Comparing me to others, such as 'see 'they' do that thing or 'see they have sex ever day'

I remember him not talking to me for a whole week whilst we were on holiday in Ibiza, as I had to take antibiotics for something, which meant my pill was no longer effective, and he refused to wear condoms so sex was off the table.

Kept me skint but offered money for bag /shoes /clothes if I had sex. Never allowed pp healing and just kept nagging for it.. Pulling my nightie down when he had finished became the norm...
The relief when we split was immense..

This is exactly it- went along with it but destroyed my self esteem in the process without realising. All about him and what was in his head. Humiliating and feel stupid for thinking someone who loved and respected me would behave like this

I didn't realise it was coercion at the time.
Lots of sulking. Huffy and grumpy when he didn't get any. He made me hold to an "agreement" of "giving in" a certain number of times a week. It was my fault I wasn't in the mood. Constantly been advised to go to the Dr as "there must be something wrong with you" (I actually thought it was me for a looong time)
He was coercive in other ways too not just for sex - when he wanted me to do something he would use his emotions - like getting really upset when he thought I was about to say no to something.
I was a frequent visitor to my GP with Thursh and general non specific pain in that area (sorry if TMI)

I was young when we got together - i didn't set any boundaries and let him treat me this way. I'd never been with anyone else so thought it was normal. Like I said above - I genuinely thought it was my fault that i stopped fancying him.

We're now divorced.

If you are on TikTock I recommend looking at Nat (alwaysmending)

Oh - and also I forgot - the constant touching - which often led to sexual advances.
It got to the point I didn't dare touch him at all - in case he saw anything as a signal that "i was in the mood".

This is exactly how I felt.
I use to say to him all the time that I felt like his human blow up sex doll.

He would always grab and grope me, grab between my lips, grab my boobs, say things like ‘I’m getting me some of this tonight’
I would tell him how much I hated this and it wasn’t going to get me in the mood but he never stopped. In fact he would tell me that I should feel lucky because he wants me so much and finds me so attractive and so on. I use to try tell myself this was a good thing but eventually it wears you down.
he use too do things during - something so simple as sucking my nipples (amongst other things) and I would tell him I didn’t like it and he’d say, well I like it. Woman are meant to like it.
a hug could never be a hug, a kiss never just a kiss …
anything he did would almost come with an expectation of sex as like some sort of reward.
there was one time that didn’t happen, he has been super nice, ran me a bath, made dinner, offered me a massage etc all when I came in from work (this was years and years ago) and I fell asleep during the massage - I was exhausted as I’d been working all day, anyway, he was moody and annoyed with me for days after and I couldn’t work out why, turns out it was because he did all that and got nothing in return and told me he wouldn’t make effort like that again.
May times he’d even enociurage glasses of wine as he’d say this made me loosen up and he’d get more. Tbh I knew this so would go along with it.

At times he would refer to my body as his as much as mine as I was his wife. I would say, no it’s my body and he would say he was only joking and play it down but honestly I don’t think he was.

Before we separated I was so worn down yet still trying so hard to make my marriage the perfect family I wanted that I broke down and told him that we needed to just just take a huge step back and work on our relationship without all that in play- no sex , no nothing if it was going to work … his response was that we should plan it on a calendar so I know when it was happening and could prepare myself and try get in the mood. He said relationships need sex.
I honestly couldn’t bring myself to touch him let alone kiss him cuddle him or have sex with him but he just couldn’t listen, for someone apparently so desperate for our marriage to work he just didn’t listen and instead started following me around the house constantly, trying to get me to hug him and kiss him more, laying on the guilt harder and making me say I loved him before he would stop.

All this aside though I don’t feel like he is a bad person.
I feel like he just needed more attention, more something and obviously I wasn’t giving it him.

Im still struggling but I do have to admit that going to bed every night alone feels so much better

I was 15 and he was 20 when we first started going out. He’d just start doing things to me without asking and I was too scared to say no. Threaten to break up with me when I didn’t do what he wanted then cry and apologise after. Do things that hurt or made me sick and ignore me crying, tell me how much I liked it. Put me down all the time, damaged my self esteem, told me sex with me was “like a chore”. Controlled me, insisted I was flirting with other guys. It was always based around sex when we were together, we could never just hang out, I always had to be dressed up or performing somehow.

We were together til I was 19, took me ages to work out what a healthy sex life could look like and what I actually enjoyed vs what he’d told me I enjoyed

Came here to say similar (with a NC). We haven't touched at all in more than a year as the slightest hug, in any circumstance, has him putting my hand straight to his cock. It makes me so miserable.

I'm perimenopausal, no libido and very uncomfortable with my postpartum body. While I'm sorry he needs more than I am able to give I find his attitude too horrific.

Not sure if it's sexual coercion but can relate to the constant grabbing and groping while doing normal everyday stuff. Turning conversations into sexual things, no affection physically unless it becomes sexual. Penetrating during sleep then denying it, brushing it off, complaining I was dry or alternatively I must have enjoyed it because I was wet. Touching inbetween legs when sat on sofa instead of just a loving embrace, exposing and rubbing his bits in my face suddenly and randomly. It does put a strain on the relationship and makes me feel disgusted by his touch.

Came here to say similar (with a NC). We haven't touched at all in more than a year as the slightest hug, in any circumstance, has him putting my hand straight to his cock. It makes me so miserable.

Yes.
What I found totally miserable about my marriage was with my husband, after the first flush I rarely "performed" to his standard which made me feel hollow inside. As a result rarely felt that intimate connection and evaded affection when we were alone as it would lead to sex which made me feel ashamed and useless.

I'm an affectionate, loving person and really really craved the intimacy of loving sex. I kept getting crushes/fantasising/ dreaming about other men which made me feel like a terrible wife as I wasn't giving my husband the sex he wanted at the same time.

I even felt guilty about masturbation as if he suspected I'd done it he'd question me really intrusively about what I was thinking about and guilt trip me about not asking him to join in.

I'm so relieved not to have this going on any more.

Told I don't love him, and I'm selfish for not wanting to do something. I should do it just because it makes him happy. I gave in a few times and felt deeply uncomfortable each and every time, then there were arguments when I refused because I'd already done it so what's the problem, the more I do it the easier it will be. Made to feel guilty because he does things for me (not things I'd asked for). Then he got angry and told me our sex life is shit, that I don't do enough, that I need to get over it. Woke up to him touching me/having sex with me a few times, it was easier to let him carry on. Knowing there would be arguments if I said no too much so just never said no. Being told off for 'not being into it' or 'looking like I'm in pain/off putting'. Told me he needs me to make more of an effort to prove I love him. Asking for pictures while I was at work. Continuing to badger me if I did say no.

Then he got angry and told me our sex life is shit, that I don't do enough, that I need to get over it.

This is the kind of thing that happened in my marriage that I am now traumatised by, since I'm no longer in that situation. You don't deserve it, you aren't shit. He is.

I'm in the process of divorcing my abusive husband. The sexual coercion began right away. He demanded we do a roleplay and I froze. He ended up dragging me by my hair and hitting me and saying he liked it when I said no. This meant when he did this and I said no it made it feel like rape but wasn't because it was a roleplay. I never agreed to do it, I was just told, and froze out of embarrassment and not knowing what to do. Over five years sex became something he just took. He would slobber on me and lick my face and laugh, strangle me and call me names. I never called it rape, even though it felt like it. He would lie on me and refuse to get off, and laugh because I couldn't get him off me. He did the same to my daughter apparently as she has told me this and we told police.

I felt paranoid the entire time like there was something wrong with me. I suspected he would end up doing something very wrong but even now I feel weird about saying that, like I'm accusing him of something... but others say the same. Police aren't doing much and he's allowed to pursue access to my daughter through the family courts.

These posts are heartbreaking.

@Dery is so so correct in her posts.

@LostDrowning you poor poor woman.
Lots of great points have been written to you, but I wonder how you would feel if a daughter came to you, with YOUR story?
Would you find it hard to believer that was abuse?

Because if one of my daughters did, I probably would be jailed for what I would do.

That waster is a rapist, pure and simple.
I hope he dies screaming for what he has done to you, and all the other rapists that posters write about.

Never believe his lies and never allow him back in your home.

He is a rapist.
They all are.

yup to the being told off for looking like your in pain and not enjoying it.
I use to put on a act, do whatver I could to get him there faster, I would make sure I tried to look like I was enjoying it, make pleasure sounds and fake orgasm in hopes him thinking he was doing good made him go quicker. I felt like I’d just leave my body sometimes as I was doing all this .. it was soul destroying. If I felt pain or tears I’d move to doggy so he wouldn’t see and ‘be off put’

I didn’t hide it from him I just knew he wouldn’t listen and would be mad or tell me I was being stupid or whatever so this was just easier.
the picture thing too - I couldn’t even get in the bath without constant asks for pictures whilst I was in there. He would always say I just needed to be more comfortable with him, right before we separated he had bought some bondage set, like bed ties etc and when I opened that delivery I freaked out. Literally felt like I was having a panic attack.

I would absolutely feel sick if my daughter came to me saying she was being treated this way. I would do anything I could to get her away. I would say it was abuse yes. I’d be beyond mad at my boys if I found out they acted that way but … I just don’t think my STBXH is actively being abusive or even realising it to that extent. He’s very sex orientated and sees it as the most important thing in making a relationship work.
My mum would tell me it’s just how men are.
On top of all this I can’t bare to see the pain I’m causing him in this separation. He’s continuously begging and pleading. Telling me he’s sorry and he’s changed. He can’t live without me, he needs me. Even this morning he’s text me saying he just can’t take no as he can’t let me go begging me to try and I just feel so horrible. There is a pain in my chest and I feel like I can not breathe. I’m trying to stay strong but it’s hard.
I feel like I am breaking up my family.
Even right now, you all see him as this terrible person and I feel awful making him that person but at the same time I know it’s not me as I’m just explaining things that have happened. I am still working through things as it’s early days but It’s a very confusing place to be and I just wish I never let it get here.

Those of you who are have been out of it a bit longer, when does it get easier?

sending so much love to everyone on this thread.

Same as lots of you. Constant grabbing me, making sexual comments throughout the day, very limited boundaries so grabbing my boobs in front of the kids/his mates. Any form of physical touch leads to him thinking he is in for some. Touching me while I'm asleep, not stopping when I push him away, tell him no. Blaming me, telling me he can't help it, I'm just so attractive and he loves me so much. Not speaking to me for days if I reject him but being nicer to me if I accept it, so it's easier to let him. Telling me it's abuse/controlling to say no to him as it's what he needs and I'm withholding it from him to punish him. Telling me I love it so he is going to do it anyway, calling me a slut so I deserve it.

I experienced it constantly throughout my marriage. I cant really talk about it but recognise so much and hate how controlled i was. I was constantly in fear. But dissociated all the time.

What I will say though is. Not all men will be like this. I thought I hated sex and was non sexual... frigid he called me. Turns out 4 years free of him and deciding to have sex with a friend (i dont want a relationship) and ive felt admired, loved, attractive and respected and what intimacy is meant to feel like.

We still sleep together occasionally but talk and support each other weekly. Hes kind and makes me feel beautiful and has never pressured me or done anything that wasnt consensual. It breaks my heart that I lived like that. To me he's a monster. I was as he told me 'his release' and inevitability just a number of orifices to be used. I know he views me as this, but I dont, nor do others.