Page 3 | What did sexual coercion look like for you?

Ellipsis7 · 2023-03-15T20:52:22+00:00

Hey, just thought I’d seek out others’ experience in this department. My relationship is generally great, but the constant sexual coercion is becoming a dealbreaker.

Hotvimto3 · 16/03/2023 10:46

I was so sleep deprived due to young babies and I would do it just to get some rest otherwise he would keep turning the light on, follow me around, or inevitability smash the place up. How disgusting that he was using my basic need for rest to make me give in. I hate him. He would be inside me and the baby would cry in the night and he wouldnt let me get to the baby until he finished id be in tears and so distressed, how can he enjoy that???

Saladdressed · 16/03/2023 10:53

I just don’t think my STBXH is actively being abusive or even realising it to that extent. He’s very sex orientated and sees it as the most important thing in making a relationship work

He does know, but his entitlement makes him think its OK.
I thought my ex didn't realise but when we split up he said the incident where he came on me despite me saying I didn't want to made him feel he'd crossed a line and was ashamed of himself. That had happened 10 years ago and he'd never apologised or mentioned it.
So he knew.

What I will say though is. Not all men will be like this. I thought I hated sex and was non sexual... frigid he called me. Turns out 4 years free of him and deciding to have sex with a friend (i dont want a relationship) and ive felt admired, loved, attractive and respected and what intimacy is meant to feel like.
This is very very true.

clubzero · 16/03/2023 10:55

I'm trying to make sense of this lately, in my marriage , which ended some years ago.

He expected our sex life to continue as we were for the first few months of our relationship so I literally couldn't get into bed with out him groping at me .

I ended up having to wear a onesie 🤦🏻‍♀️
He repeatedly slapped me on the bum in front of the kids and then my youngest started slapping me on the bum .

He followed me around the house looking for a quickie in Saturdays and Sundays when we were off work and kids in house . Thought it was perfectly reasonable to lock the door and go for it mid afternoon with kids there .

Walked up to me in the house and felt my breasts and would say in the cringiest , creepiest voice ever.....
' may I ?' ... vom 🤮

Waited up for me if I had a night out for sex. Didn't think that spoons was real sex .
Often said... you mustn't love/ be attracted to me anymore etc ..

Vile vile man . God love his affair partner.
Happiest day of my life when he finally moved on .

Aphrathestorm · 16/03/2023 10:58

If you think it feels like sexual coercion then that's more than enough to be a deal breaker on the relationship

clubzero · 16/03/2023 10:59

Another important one ...
He could not differentiate between affection and sexual activity.
No way could we have a hug .. it had to lead to more.
My bar must have been so low .

Hotvimto3 · 16/03/2023 11:00

LostDrowning · 16/03/2023 10:20

yup to the being told off for looking like your in pain and not enjoying it.
I use to put on a act, do whatver I could to get him there faster, I would make sure I tried to look like I was enjoying it, make pleasure sounds and fake orgasm in hopes him thinking he was doing good made him go quicker. I felt like I’d just leave my body sometimes as I was doing all this .. it was soul destroying. If I felt pain or tears I’d move to doggy so he wouldn’t see and ‘be off put’

I didn’t hide it from him I just knew he wouldn’t listen and would be mad or tell me I was being stupid or whatever so this was just easier.
the picture thing too - I couldn’t even get in the bath without constant asks for pictures whilst I was in there. He would always say I just needed to be more comfortable with him, right before we separated he had bought some bondage set, like bed ties etc and when I opened that delivery I freaked out. Literally felt like I was having a panic attack.

Show quote history

Omg im in tears reading this... he became obsessed with bondage and would have deliveries all the time. I would come up to bed and 'things' would all be laid out waiting for me... no warning, no discussion. I put them all in a draw and went to bed. Pretended I was asleep and lay stiff as a board, he came in switched the light on screaming at me for going to bed. He would throw 'toys' at me when i would be sat watching TV and just walk out muttering 'for later' i would spend the rest of the day in fear of having to use them, or how the house would be smashed up if i didnt. I would feel sick with the pressure.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/03/2023 11:04

Definitely the worst thing about it is constantly living in fear and never being able to relax. Best feeling ever is knowing the key is in the door and he can't come get me, the only time I'm ever not on edge

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 17/03/2023 10:24

LostDrowning · 15/03/2023 21:13

Constant guilting, sulking, shouting, yelling, arguing, lots of .. 'don't you love me' ' you must not love me' 'do you want someone else' 'your so cold hearted' 'stop being a prude' and point blank just going on and on to the point sometimes it was often in me and he was already started and I would be giving in because what was the point. He was never violent about it (shouting etc) but just laid it on thick and wouldn't give in, he was relentless .. but he was because I allowed it. He pushed boundaries because I constantly allowed it so. I gave in because it was easier than the arguments and guilting and everything else that came after if I did say no. At first I would fake it until he made it it gradually ti got to a point I was often in pain and just zoned out (not that he noticed - although a few times he actually said I looked in pain and it was off putting but not once did he ask if I was and if I was okay ... he even often look at me like it was the most most loving act ever ... followed by finishing and rolling over and going sleep)

In return I now have no self esteem. no confidence. I feel utterly broken. I didn't actually realise the harm I was doing to myself until its too late. I am mad at him but I am more mad at myself because of the damage I have caused myself and what I have made him but not being more form and setting those boundaries.

Your last paragraph is how I feel. I didn't realise the harm I was doing to myself. He'd actually told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, but expected our marriage to go on as normal while he made up his mind. Stupidly I was desperate to have him love me. One night after he'd gone to sleep I spent about 3 hours crying and I realised I wouldn't survive if I put myself through that again. I'm not sure if is have managed to stop without knowing what harm it would do to my children if I broke completely. It's made me feel utterly worthless and I can't imagine ever wanting to have sex with anyone again. I'm slowly untangling myselfand trying to remember I don't need to feel guilty over my plans to divorce him when he treated me like that. He also made me and our eldest two feel scared from his behaviour, screaming and kicking things, and then gaslit me about it. I was horrible for telling him I was scared by his behaviour.

On feeling to blame would you feel this way about a friend who told you that had happened to them? I know I wouldn't. I Judge myself for letting it happen but I don't judge you for having it happen to you. You do the best with the knowledge you have at the time. You didn't know how it would hurt you. You can't know what if anything stronger boundaries would have achieved. We're told we're hurting the one we love and try to fix it at the expense of self, something they're not capable of, putting another first. We shouldn't have to constantly be reinforcing our boundaries around intimacy in a loving relationship. He was always capable of ignoring your needs, of pushing and coercing and riding rough shod over you, he knew he was harming you and that didn't stop him, it should have. I understand feeling you played a role in it, but his behaviour that's all on him, you shouldn't have to have a boundary to stop a loved one from pushing or guilting you into having sex when you don't want to.

Yellowcakestand · 17/03/2023 10:37

If I didn't I wouldn't be allowed to sleep. Shouting, throwing things, slamming doors, turning on all of the lights.

Yellowcakestand · 17/03/2023 10:40

Also me waking up in the night to him inside me.

Would slap me so hard and force my head into the bed. Once I hit him back after he wouldn't stop and he hit me in the back of the head.

I didn't know until 2 years after when I did the freedom programme that this wasn't what should happen. It just didn't click .

Yellowcakestand · 17/03/2023 10:42

Oh and grabbing me hard down below every time he walked past. Like another pp said, when doing something like washing up where you totally don't expect it.

I have a lovely partner now. I avoided anything sexual for years when I could and never wanted it to happen. Now I have a new sex life and actually want thing to happen. Still don't instigate it though. Not that brave

Itsonlyagame · 17/03/2023 10:53

LostDrowning · 15/03/2023 21:13

Constant guilting, sulking, shouting, yelling, arguing, lots of .. 'don't you love me' ' you must not love me' 'do you want someone else' 'your so cold hearted' 'stop being a prude' and point blank just going on and on to the point sometimes it was often in me and he was already started and I would be giving in because what was the point. He was never violent about it (shouting etc) but just laid it on thick and wouldn't give in, he was relentless .. but he was because I allowed it. He pushed boundaries because I constantly allowed it so. I gave in because it was easier than the arguments and guilting and everything else that came after if I did say no. At first I would fake it until he made it it gradually ti got to a point I was often in pain and just zoned out (not that he noticed - although a few times he actually said I looked in pain and it was off putting but not once did he ask if I was and if I was okay ... he even often look at me like it was the most most loving act ever ... followed by finishing and rolling over and going sleep)

In return I now have no self esteem. no confidence. I feel utterly broken. I didn't actually realise the harm I was doing to myself until its too late. I am mad at him but I am more mad at myself because of the damage I have caused myself and what I have made him but not being more form and setting those boundaries.

My experience was near identical to this. I left, eventually.

glasscandle · 17/03/2023 13:00

my ex lived abroad for a lot of our relationship so we had an LDR, and the constant demands for extremely lengthy sexting sessions really damaged our relationship. we worked different shift patterns, so i'd be in a meeting at 10am and i'd get a text along the lines of 'feeling horny' (the implication being - you will help out by sexting with me). when i'd say look, i'm in a meeting/at work/out with friends, i can't do this right now, i'd get a cold, one-word response. i was constantly made to feel like i wasn't being available enough for this (i'm talking hours, not just 30 mins here and there), that i was the cold horrible prude damaging our relationship by not wanting to spend hours sexting (his shift patterns meant he could sleep in until mid-afternoon whereas i was up at 6am). he also had a number of fetishes that just held no appeal for me (nothing illegal or even especially out there, just stuff that didn't turn me on in the slightest), and everything had to revolve around them, no matter how many times i said 'i don't like this', no matter how many times he said 'ok let's focus on you' - it always went back to the same topics. i used to dread it when i new he'd been out drinking with his mates after work because he'd be hungover and extra horny, i'd be expected to act like an on-demand sex chatbot for two hours, he'd fall back asleep and then get up for his work in the evening with no time for a normal conversation with me.

it sounds incredibly juvenile and i know it's no way comparable to what the posters above experienced. weirdly, in person he was absolutely lovely - respectful, caring, never put any pressure on me to do anything, focused on my pleasure. but it was like the distance + technology made him forget i was a real person with my own feelings and desires. i'd end up in tears when i couldn't conjure up the exact porn scenario he had in his mind and i'd get some 'lol never mind then.' message in response and i knew he was pissed off at me. i'd try to talk about it but he'd just either shut down, get consumed with guilt and tell me he was never going to watch porn again, or get annoyed with me and shift the blame onto me. it got to the point where no matter how lovely he was in person, i couldn't relax then because all i could think of was - i can't live up to his fantasies, his fetishes, his porn preferences (and not that it should matter, but i always made a huge effort - there was no way he could argue i'd let myself go or anything like that). it killed my sex drive (which caused me even more stress because i felt like a frigid freak who would deserve it if he cheated on me), and i'd always had a healthy sex drive and relationship with my own body/self-esteem beforehand. my self-esteem was in bits when we split up and i felt like my own body was alien to me.

billy1966 · 17/03/2023 13:24

LostDrowning · 15/03/2023 21:13

Constant guilting, sulking, shouting, yelling, arguing, lots of .. 'don't you love me' ' you must not love me' 'do you want someone else' 'your so cold hearted' 'stop being a prude' and point blank just going on and on to the point sometimes it was often in me and he was already started and I would be giving in because what was the point. He was never violent about it (shouting etc) but just laid it on thick and wouldn't give in, he was relentless .. but he was because I allowed it. He pushed boundaries because I constantly allowed it so. I gave in because it was easier than the arguments and guilting and everything else that came after if I did say no. At first I would fake it until he made it it gradually ti got to a point I was often in pain and just zoned out (not that he noticed - although a few times he actually said I looked in pain and it was off putting but not once did he ask if I was and if I was okay ... he even often look at me like it was the most most loving act ever ... followed by finishing and rolling over and going sleep)

In return I now have no self esteem. no confidence. I feel utterly broken. I didn't actually realise the harm I was doing to myself until its too late. I am mad at him but I am more mad at myself because of the damage I have caused myself and what I have made him but not being more form and setting those boundaries.

I understand completely that you feel confused and in denial about him.

He's begging you to return because he loves you so much.

But in your last paragraph above you write he has utterly decimated you, your sense of yourself.

Leaving you broken?

But yet you don't think his systematic relentless pressure of you is abuse?

Would you think this if it was your child in front of you defending him and how broken she felt by being relentlessly raped by her partner.

I ask this because so often women can find compassion and forgiveness for everyone but themselves.

You married a really bad man, a rapist.

Is he awful 24/7? No he isn't.

But he's still a rapist, a criminal, who should be in jail for what he has done to you, someone he should have cherished.

You poor pet.

I would happily do time if any man did what he has done to my darling daughters.

You deserve so much better than the utter scum that he is.💐

jemimapuddlepluck · 17/03/2023 13:39

LostDrowning · 16/03/2023 09:06

This is exactly how I felt.
I use to say to him all the time that I felt like his human blow up sex doll.

He would always grab and grope me, grab between my lips, grab my boobs, say things like ‘I’m getting me some of this tonight’
I would tell him how much I hated this and it wasn’t going to get me in the mood but he never stopped. In fact he would tell me that I should feel lucky because he wants me so much and finds me so attractive and so on. I use to try tell myself this was a good thing but eventually it wears you down.
he use too do things during - something so simple as sucking my nipples (amongst other things) and I would tell him I didn’t like it and he’d say, well I like it. Woman are meant to like it.
a hug could never be a hug, a kiss never just a kiss …
anything he did would almost come with an expectation of sex as like some sort of reward.
there was one time that didn’t happen, he has been super nice, ran me a bath, made dinner, offered me a massage etc all when I came in from work (this was years and years ago) and I fell asleep during the massage - I was exhausted as I’d been working all day, anyway, he was moody and annoyed with me for days after and I couldn’t work out why, turns out it was because he did all that and got nothing in return and told me he wouldn’t make effort like that again.
May times he’d even enociurage glasses of wine as he’d say this made me loosen up and he’d get more. Tbh I knew this so would go along with it.

At times he would refer to my body as his as much as mine as I was his wife. I would say, no it’s my body and he would say he was only joking and play it down but honestly I don’t think he was.

Before we separated I was so worn down yet still trying so hard to make my marriage the perfect family I wanted that I broke down and told him that we needed to just just take a huge step back and work on our relationship without all that in play- no sex , no nothing if it was going to work … his response was that we should plan it on a calendar so I know when it was happening and could prepare myself and try get in the mood. He said relationships need sex.
I honestly couldn’t bring myself to touch him let alone kiss him cuddle him or have sex with him but he just couldn’t listen, for someone apparently so desperate for our marriage to work he just didn’t listen and instead started following me around the house constantly, trying to get me to hug him and kiss him more, laying on the guilt harder and making me say I loved him before he would stop.

All this aside though I don’t feel like he is a bad person.
I feel like he just needed more attention, more something and obviously I wasn’t giving it him.

Im still struggling but I do have to admit that going to bed every night alone feels so much better

Show quote history

This man should be in prison 😡
I am so sorry for what you have been through 💐i hope you can start to heal soon.

SquidwardBound · 17/03/2023 13:40

Genuinely, I think that a lot of people don’t understand what sexual coercion is or actually think it’s a ‘proper issue’. Lots of men think it’s totally fine to pressure their partners into sex, and women who’ve experienced sexual coercion will have been told that they’re making a fuss about nothing (or similar) in various ways.

I’ve experienced it in two relationships, and both men self-identify as great guys who’d never do anything awful - and completely dismissed my complaints about them.

In the first case, it looked like me saying I wasn’t interested in sex. Out loud. Him insisting it would just be a back rub and somehow it ending up with my having to have sex with him. Even crying during it/afterwards didn’t seem to register with him. It also took the form of sulking and treating me nastily if I didn’t have sex with him.

The second time was similar. Persistent pressure to have sex, even after being told I wasn’t up for it/was sore. Continuing to pester me til I’d give in. Being horrible to me if he didn’t get sex.

In some ways, he was worse. It only emerged as an issue after I had a baby. He started pressuring me to have sex with him less than a week after the baby was born. I’d be lying on my side trying to breastfeed and he’d start to pester me. He’d want to try to have sex with me while I tried to breastfeed. Plus the gaslighting to make me feel that I was the problem there. Similar issues of expecting sex the second I managed to get the baby down for a nap. No rest or downtime for me and sulking/gaslighting about it if he didn’t get his way.

Made worse by him knowing about the first situation and using that against me as part of the gaslighting. Also bring nasty to me for not going to the police about the first guy (there is literally no point - both of these situations are such that I can never prove anything and the reality of trying to would be even more traumatic), acting like he’s the victim because he’s saddled with the knowledge of what happened to me, accusing me of being a liar about it (notably, ‘how dare you accuse me; you just make up things about men’) and even threatening to tell my family and friends about what happened to me.

The worst thing is that there id precisely no chance of either guy ever considering that, actually, they are sexually abusive. They, and the people around them, think they are amazing guys.

SquidwardBound · 17/03/2023 13:43

@LostDrowning Your posts really resonate with me. Feeling like a blow up doll and being constantly grabbed - only for him to play the victim if I objected to his ‘affection’.

Feeling like all he was interested in was sex. That he’d be nice if he though he was going to get sex only to switch off and do whatever he liked once he’d got what he wanted, or to be really nasty to punish me if he didn’t get it.

useitorlose · 17/03/2023 13:48

Having an answer for everything...period? He'd put a towel under me. Late night? He'd be quick. Didn't want it leaking out of me as we were travelling? He'd pull out. And so on and so on. He never held me down and forced me, it was just constant wheedling and it was easier to do it because then he'd leave it for a few nights. He only kissed me hello and goodbye and was never affectionate at all - no hug or touch or kiss. In fact, he only said he loved me when I said it was over.

It's been over a decade and just typing this brings it all back. I wrote lots of detail in my divorce petition to make sure he knew how I felt about his abuse.

Knackeredlass · 17/03/2023 13:59

My husband wanted sex three times a night and it was quicker and easier to agree. He used to wake me up for sex. I used to say to him I felt like a series of orifices rather than a partner and only realised this wasn't normal when I mentioned it to a friend. What made it worse for me was that this all continued whilst he was having an affair so I think he was thinking of the OW whilst with me, even sexual habits changed.
I don't think I will ever trust another man again.

user1471538283 · 17/03/2023 14:17

I did it to avoid arguments or sulking or accusations that I was cheating. He wasn't even any good. And when he was really bad at it that was my fault. I remember dreading the nights.

Honestly even these years later I shudder at the thought of that useless moron.

TitaniumTess · 24/03/2023 05:20

Constant harrassment when pregnant. Harrassment to have sex again as soon as possible after birth. I don't think I had quite healed but he told me that his sister was ok soon after her birth (odd how he knew) so I should be. I didn't have the strength to argue much as he was bullying me all the time.

Harrassed me all the time whilst breastfeeding. He was emotionally abusive for years but always pestering me for sex. If I wasn't keen, he said that I must be having an affair...which I wasn't. I used to have sex with him to make for a better week. I tried to do it in positions where there was minimal physical contact and I would stare at a certain spot on the ceiling with a slight fault in the pattern. Sometimes I would count. He would comment that I didn't seem particularly into it but, like the rest of life, it was always all about him anyway. It was just another survival technique looking back. It just seemed like another job...but one that meant less shouting that week.

Even after I asked him to leave the house...which took him ages to do, he would pester me by hugging me in the kitchen when I was trying to cook, or send me WhatsApp after WhatsApp. I shudder now. All part of the abuse and like I said I was accused of affairs if I wasn't super into him. I wasn't super into him because of his appalling behaviour. I am glad that he has gone. Although he is pestering me via the court system and post separation abuse, at least I don't have to live with the bastard.