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Original poster

One year in... no I love you.

69 replies

Overthinkingperhaps · 15/03/2023 00:19

So I'm in a new ish relationship
A year. And it is going amazingly well.
No arguments (yet)
No pressure.
Everything is wonderful.
And we very much act like we love eachother but neither us have said it.
It started off as very much a casual thing and for the first 3 months or so it was.
It has changed though and feels very meaningful.

We had both recently separated when we met.
And were friends for a few months before after meeting on a works night out.
He's from another company who has a small amount of input to the company I work for.

We both have children. 4 teens between us and we haven't introduced the children into it and don't actually intend to, for now anyway.

We spend a couple of evenings a week together sometimes more sometimes less. Have been away for weekends and have a holiday booked for June. Just us.

I really love him. It has become more apparent recently for me as I miss him as soon as he's gone.
But I'm so apprehensive to tell him.
I feel like a teenager again 🤣

I'm worried it will either A) not be reciprocated or/and B) will scare him off.
And I really don't want to scare him off
But after a year surely we should have said it to eachother and I'm starting to worry that it could be a problem.

Should I be worried?
Should I be brave and if I need to be brave. How do I say it
What do I do if he doesn't say it back?

OP posts:
PleaseStopSayingHuBbY · 15/03/2023 00:44

He might be feeling the same way and is scared to ruin things.

holidaydebate · 15/03/2023 00:51

No words of advice but I'm in a pretty much identical situation (minus the kids) and feeling exactly the same. I'm hoping it'll come out whilst we are awayBlush

ShippingNews · 15/03/2023 00:56

The June holiday seems like a good time for it ! Good luck !

Zanatdy · 15/03/2023 05:48

Just tell him. It shouldn’t scare him off 1yr into it. He sounds keen and it’s more than enough time into the relationship.

Pollywoddles · 15/03/2023 05:55

Or don’t? My DH and I have said it 3 times in nearly 8 years. We clearly do love each other so it’s special to me that we didn’t, if you know what I mean. We both know that the other does, any other relationship I’ve had where it’s been declared hasn’t lasted but this one is different. It’s hard to explain but yeah, maybe it doesn’t need to be said, I rather it was demonstrated.

UseOfWeapons · 15/03/2023 06:47

Just say it. If it’s not reciprocated, better to find out now, than shillyshalling.

Original poster
Overthinkingperhaps · 15/03/2023 07:19

Yes I'm wondering if it is best to say it now. Better to know he feels the same way or not.

I nearly blurted it out last night while eating dinner with him.

OP posts:
PonyPals · 15/03/2023 07:25

Can I just commend you for not introducing the kids yet. Well done! Too many do it when it is way too soon.

scoobycute · 15/03/2023 07:32

This has happened to me but the main difference was that we argued a lot. We were very much in love and he didn't say it for a year. We were young. He eventually said it but only after I encouraged it out.

I agree with some others that it doesn't always have to be said out loud..my husband and I don't verbalise it often but I do think a first declaration of some sort is important!

I know how incredibly frustrating it can be waiting on it. And that can sometimes cause a bit of resentment! So maybe consider saying it first if it's bothering you! He will very likely say it back!

Artemi · 15/03/2023 14:48

Just say it when it feels natural - doesn't have to be a big deal, just "allow" it to slip out.

After a year and you know you love him, I wouldn't be deliberately stopping myself/holding it back iyswim?

With my now husband we both felt that we loved eachother very very early on but we didn't want to be ridiculous and tell eachother we "loved" eachother at such an early stage so we kept stepping around it in our discussions like "I care for you deeply" "I feel very emotionally connected to you" etc even though we both knew and understood what was unsaid

Eventually he did a small thing for me that made me feel swell up with love for him, and I finally knew it was "real" love and not infatuation.
I rang him on the phone to tell him my gratitude of the thing he'd done and when we were going to hang up I was dithering whether or not to say "I love you" and there was this sort of silence from both of us

I was maybe excessively blunt because I believe my actual words were "Oh for fucks sake. I love you" and I then hung up the phone 😆

Maybe a little tenderness than that OP but I wouldn't build it into a huge deal - the longer you don't say it the trickier it if that makes sense?

LilyRose88 · 15/03/2023 14:55

My advice is to say it and see what his reaction is. I had a two year relationship with someone who never told me that he loved me. I did say it to him once after about 6 months and he gave me a waffly response about not being very good with talking about his emotions. After two years I actually asked him if he loved me and he said probably not! I ended it of course, but I wish I had been more assertive about discussing feelings with him earlier as I wasted two years with a man who was emotionally unavailable.

MintTeaAndChocolate · 15/03/2023 20:20

PonyPals · 15/03/2023 07:25

Can I just commend you for not introducing the kids yet. Well done! Too many do it when it is way too soon.

👍👍👍

MintTeaAndChocolate · 15/03/2023 20:21

Just tell him op.
Better to find out now.

TheNefariousTIG · 15/03/2023 21:36

I would go for it and tell him, but without the necessity to hear it back. My DP didn’t say it for over a year, I said it about 8 months in…at first I felt a bit crushed that he hadn’t said it back, but when I thought about it I just knew that he felt it and needed time. When he did finally say it I knew it was real and heartfelt and now he tells me often. I’m now so glad he waited, because I think its lovely to know its meant and heartfelt and considered. It made it much more meaningful somehow.

I’d echo what pp have said about it being really great that you didn't rush to introduce your kids too soon.

Shapemyeyebrows · 15/03/2023 22:25

@Overthinkingperhaps I would be worried if they hadn’t said it by now. So either way you need to know if you are on the same page. Tell him how you feel then at least you know.

Pinkbonbon · 15/03/2023 22:51

Can't you just be like 'thanks, love ya sweetheart' when he does something like bring you a cuppa or something. Test the water.

Jut checking, you've had the 'we're together' now discussion right?

AnotherVice · 15/03/2023 22:58

Or say it during sex. You can just say you got carried away!

Opentooffers · 16/03/2023 00:05

Maybe clarify what you are to him if you haven't yet. As it started casual, have you had the talk or assumed its progressed to more as time has gone on? Does he refer to you as his girlfriend or partner, and have you met his other family and friends. How much entwined you are in each others lives, apart from the DCs, gives a clue, or have you been keeping each other at a safe distance?

Fidgety31 · 16/03/2023 00:51

If he hasn’t said it now - he never will

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/03/2023 02:01

PonyPals · 15/03/2023 07:25

Can I just commend you for not introducing the kids yet. Well done! Too many do it when it is way too soon.

Agree; well done.

exhusbandsaknob · 16/03/2023 09:58

I've been with my boyfriend a year too and he hasn't said it yet. I want to wait for him to say it first but wondering if he ever will.

wantmorenow · 16/03/2023 10:07

I said " I was a bit smitten " after about 5 months and it scared him off. lol. He dumped me, although he kept doing nice stuff for me (we worked together) then got back together a few weeks later. I told him a few months later I loved him but he didn't need to say it back, just accept that I felt it and it would get blurted out every now and again because I tend to say how i feel. lol

Then about a year and half later he said it to me just randomly as i was drifting off to sleep. Guess it just took him longer to get here.

I asked him to marry me after 6 years, he said no. Then asked me to marry him about 18 months later and I accepted. Guess he just takes longer to decide stuff.

9 years later and going strong. We are all different I guess,

Original poster
Overthinkingperhaps · 16/03/2023 23:16

Thank you for all the replies.

Yes I've met his brother and he met my brother. We have met eachothers best friends.
We are very much together although we haven't had the talk it is just sort of happened. We are planning things for next year etc

He is a chronic piss taker ( and I love it) and he cracked a joke a few weeks ago at my expense. And I laughed and said it's a good job I like you isn't it? He said like me???

Like he was implying it should have been the love word perhaps.

We were together last night and this morning at work we messaged back and forth and he said
"I love spending time with you, it goes so quickly" and then later on said " I love our time together and I don't just mean sex, I love cuddling you"
This was because we had both mentioned the particularly good sex we'd had.
And last night I laughed at something and he said I love the way your nose crinkles when you laugh.

I don't know. I feel like he's purposely avoiding saying it. Maybe for the same reasons I am.
But he says I love this. I love that etc.
Just not I love you.

I think as the marriage I have come out was void of affection, sex and compliments I have a hard time deciphering it all.
To the point that he was so lovely on his messages today I convinced myself it was fake.
I'm a lost cause I think. Ha

OP posts:
Original poster
Overthinkingperhaps · 16/03/2023 23:20

@Pinkbonbon I did wonder instead of making it a romeo and Juliet moment, to say it quite casually. Tea scenario etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overthinkingperhaps · 16/03/2023 23:24

@AnotherVice And I did wonder if the sex thing might be a good shout.
But then he might just think I got carried away and not mention it.

We are going on a weekend away next month. Cocktail making one of the days and drinking said cocktails.
I did think maybe I could say it when we are tipsy.

I didn't intend to feel this way in all honesty.
I'd just come out of a really shitty marriage as had he. And I made it clear at the start and again so did he that I wasn't looking for anything serious.
Initially first 3 months I saw him maybe once every other week and it was just sex.

OP posts: