Can a relationship survive an affair?

[Elvira2000]

Simple as that. I caught dh red handed. He's far from perfect, but I do love him. I know he loves me. He is a good dad and finanical situation means splitting would be a huge (unmanageble) option. I don't want to break dd (11) heart.

Reasons over why i want to try to try again. But is it realistic? I know that the reason was sexual. He has a higher sex drive than me. I have ignored this and/or withdrawn sex when he has been an arse for years. I knew it was not sustainable or fair.

I feel partly responsible. (Although he is a grown man - i get that). I also feel very sexually unconfident now. How can he go from the high-octane sex of a new woman (first in 20 years) to a 10 minute run of the mill with me? Also how can I trust him again? We have a dog who needs a lot of walking. Perfect for a quickie, as i discovered. Also we live abroad and me and dd travel back to the uk. In fact that was when it started.

I am at the beginning stage of figuring the future out. (Also childishly signed up to tinder, drinking too much wine and ringing in sick while holding it together for dd - family trip to Ikea today...deserve a bloody medal).

Can relationships survive affairs?

Yes they can but they and the people in them have to really really want it and everything needs to change.

Ah bless you, that must have been a shock and a sting, I hope you’re looking after yourself. You need to take as much time as you need and don’t be rushed into making a decision.

to clarify though:

1. it wouldn’t you be breaking your dd’s heart if you split up. He cheated on both of you when he had an affair.

2. Just because his sex drive is higher than yours doesn’t justify him having an affair.

3. Thus you’re not partially responsible for your husband’s dick entering another female.

Yes, relationships probably can survive affairs, but at what cost? Your dignity? Your suspicion? Your confidence?
Cheaters never usually cheat once, so the likelihood is he’s likely either done this before and not got caught or will again in the future. Cheaters are more likely to cheat again and again if there is not really any consequence for their actions.

It is only up to you, if you can live like that. Some people do forgive affairs and I am sure go on to be happy? I personally couldn’t forgive if my husband was unfaithful. Only you can decide. Big hug.

Thank you for your messages and support. I have no idea. It's feeling like an area of life i have no experience or ability to navigate - like being 18 again. (48!)

He may have been a dick. But literally i am in no hurry. I have no interest in another sexual / romantic partner. I need time to process and while he can't be an adult, then yes I do have responsiblity for dd.

I remember a saying a from a friend "dignity is a town in sibera!". Fair enough she was talking about making an arse of yourself when skiing. But i geniunely want to see if we can save it - while getting pissed in the local pub eyeing up the 25-year-old barman when i can't be arsed with sex anyway.

So many mixed emotions.

In my experience once the trust is gone it's really hard to get that back. And without it, relationships don't work.

I tried for 4 years to get over it and just ended up cheating on him back. For me, it totally destroyed my confidence, left me questioning everything and turned me into a bit of a crazy woman. Enjoying sex with them is almost impossible too as you feel like they're comparing the two experiences.

I know it's brutal and especially hard with children but leave him now. Don't waste another minute. Nothing good will come from it.

You will find happiness again and with someone who appreciates you.

@Tiredmummaoftwo has summed it up perfectly. Ultimately it eats you up, and you pay a high price emotionally and mentally for taking them back. You end up questioning everything they do and everything looks suspicious and it destroys your self-worth.
You deserve better.💐

I can imagine that any time you can’t reach him on the phone, or if he goes out with friends for a drink , or has to work late then you will have doubts of what is he actually doing, is he really where he days he is?

once the trust is gone ,it’s gone,

I don’t see how you can ever get a relationship back on track if one person cheats.
how can you ever sleep with someone knowing they have cheated on you with someone else,

it’s not for me.

You end up questioning everything they do and everything looks suspicious and it destroys your self-worth.

I can feel that already. And to go back to the sexual thing - what happens when we default back my needs (happily months with nothing) and his (shit loads more than that)? Me and dd are going out to visit friends next Saturday. I am so scared that he'll use the time to shag her and I'll be left like a mupet.

Am i going to feel threatened every week that I don't do it that he'll go for a long dog walk or need to work late?

But what is the alternative? Seeing my daughter every second week? That is the reality. Coping with the bills single handedly. Having a new woman (who's fucking morals i do not want near my daughter) a replacement for me every second week. I'll even have to share the fucking dog - of all ironies (dog being the perfect cutest pub dog was the fucking conversation starter! - bitter moi?!)

Does he do half the parenting now? If not, what makes you think that he and his AP will want to do that once hes left ?

He does half the parenting now. We are in sweden. I should explain it is a scandinavian thing. When parents split it is one week with one parent second week with the other parent.

In fact dh is amazing around the house - vaccuming, cleaning and washing. Swedish woman who are with british men have a much harder time.

Also my job is so ridiculous that he takes dd to and from school. I can't fault him as a parent.

Still a wanker though no matter how much he has hoovered.

Having a new woman (who's fucking morals i do not want near my daughter)

Yet you’ll forgive his morals and allow them near your dd?
What the other woman did was gross, but she didn’t make promises and commitments to you like your DH did. What he’s done is far, far worse. Just make sure you don’t misdirect your anger to just the OW, like a lot of women tend to do. Your DH is the shit show who is showing your daughter what a male role model looks like. And you’re the role model showing your daughter what is acceptable in a relationship. She is likely oblivious to what he’s done but children do pick up so much more than we know.

And once again, if you did seperate, you would not be the one breaking your dd’s heart.

If you stay, just be prepared to pay the price, whatever the currency may be. Self esteem, confidence, self worth, trust…

I agree with the PP, you do deserve better. I know you feel trapped into staying because of custody issues and financials, but surely your own morals and self worth are priceless in comparison?

I have a feeling from your update though that you’re going to stay with him. In that case, please use the time you’re with him to put provisions in place if he does do this again, so next time you don’t feel so trapped into staying. And use the time to build your own self esteem, so next time you can tell him to fuck off out of your life?

Saw this pic on here the other day! This is what I’d be doing in your position!

Sorry this is happening op. Been there. But it does sound like you essentially don’t want things to change, and you want to stay for the money/comfortable life. Do you both want to change to make things work? Are you both willing to? If not then there will never be a rebuild of trust and you will spend your entire life checking where he is and with whom, and suspecting him of cheating (which he will be). Sorry again op - but end it now. Surely the loss of money/status isn’t worth your self respect? Only you know for sure..

I know he loves me.

No he doesn't

If he loved you he wouldn't have cheated.

For me, it totally destroyed my confidence, left me questioning everything and turned me into a bit of a crazy woman.

This with bells on it. I found my stbxh on a dating site last year and after a 4 month separation we got back together, however I have become the crazy lady. We split 2 weeks ago and there is no going back now. All he did a couple of weeks ago was go on a night out with work and stayed in a hotel but I just do not trust him so I acted horribly. I have become somebody I do not recognise or like, once it has gone it has gone forever and do you want to spend forever looking over his shoulder?

There's not one way to deal with an affair. If you don't want to split up, you don't have to, no matter how many people tell you to.

There's also no reason to make a decision NOW! You can decide to stay now and then change your mind at any time in the future.

Yes, you will likely lack trust in your DH, but I suspect he is eyeing you off quite cautiously right now, not entirely sure what you are going to do. Does he want to stay? Do you feel he has been honest?

So do what you want right now, after all, it's your life. Just make sure that you are or take steps to make sure you are in a financial position to make the decision you want to make, not have to make.

Well yes, relationships do survive. But the question is do they survive happily? I’m not sure. Certainly people who have stayed with their unfaithful spouse will frequently talk about how things are “better than ever” and they’ve got an even stronger bond than before etc. But clearly they are very invested in the idea that those things can be true and their pride compels them to convince other people that they’ve made the right choice and aren’t just weak.

There are also people who stay in marriages of convenience. Where, for practical and financial reasons, their lifestyles and access to the children etc are better if they stay married (but not in a romantic relationship) than if they officially separate.

My personal feeling - based on family experience - is that infidelity decimates a relationship and that basically you just pick your poison in the aftermath. Weigh up the pros and cons of all the options in front of you and pick the one where you and your daughter are happiest. Of course for all but the most privileged, financial security comes into the decision and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for giving consideration to that.

Google Esther Perel and some of her podcasts / books on infidelity. Both people have to want to make it work but it can be the wake up call you both need to get things back on track

We survived an affair ( DHs affair)

I threw him out for six months and made him work for the marriage.

It was such a traumatic time. Pure hell.

People thought that i was weak for having him back.

But it was the opposite- taking him back took such strength on my part.

I felt in control and it was very empowering for me.

Now I know i don't need my DH - I choose to be with him because we love each other .

For me it was so worth it OP. I don't regret it at all.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

You haven't said anything about what your h is doing to repair things. Is he doing anything?

You don't need to decide anything now, and can change your mind.

Yes, relationships survive. Sometimes they grow stronger. Sometimes they change to 'don't ask don't tell' or variants. Sometimes they are just unhappy.

Is there any reason why he would go back to being happy with sex every few months? Doubtful, I would say, so 'don't ask don't tell ' might end up being the pragmatic option. I wouldn't blame you, or him, for being unhappy with that as a choice, but it might work for you both.

If you are not ready to leave now, spend time getting yourself stronger. It's never time wasted

Nope

Yes of course it can. I’m a good few years past and not living any of the cliches written on mumsnet about women in reconciled marriages.

BUT the question isn’t can a marriage survive, it’s can YOURS.

You don’t say how recent this is but it seems your dday was pretty recently. You’ll still be in shock, you’ll still be processing, he will be blameshifting, minimising, gaslighting and in damage control. You’re right not to trust him when you go away, he has proven he cannot be trusted.

For reconciliation to work you need to both be absolutely on the same page and he needs to be utterly remorseful. Problems in a marriage can be 50:50 (whatever split) but having an affair is 100% on the cheat and he needs to own that (this often involves work in counselling).

If you feel that there is a chance he can work to be a safe partner (and he is clearly indicating that) and that you could move on (both big ifs in the aftermath of an affair) then I’d suggest starting to read around what healthy reconciliation looks like. Surviving infidelity have a reconciliation board, affair recovery videos are good, as are the books ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’.

But tbh right now I’d be thinking more about getting your ducks in a row, std checks and not trusting him as far as I could throw him.

I’ve followed a lot of stories and many cheats in the long term are just not good material for reconciliation, as facing up to the damage you’ve done to another person and one you say you love, takes a lot of self reflection.

As your clearly not ready to make a decision I would read around surviving infidelity’s 180 approach to get space and heal.

Good luck 💐

You’re both not compatible, so even if you got back together, it wouldn’t work, you can go months without sex and he has a high sex drive, it’s not going to work.

@Elvira2000

Get E Perel’s book - Rethinking Infidelity
She is a counsellor with years of experience working with people post affairs. Can help you think through what is needed to get through it and not be permanently stuck in the past.
Then decide if you want to make the enormous effort it will take on both sides.

Also - don’t listen to people who tell you - if he loved you he’d just adjust to sexless marriage with little intimacy; where he is rejected for years, etc. Most people can’t lived in a state of h happiness forever and something gives. Even while they still love their partners.

Of course - you don’t owe anyone sex - and you don’t have to feel guilty for losing your drive. But - it’s with understanding that it does affect your partner, and eventually your marriage.

If you decide to work on it - you will need to get professional help to get you to start opening up and working on a path forward.

what if he falls in love and leave you anyway?