Can a relationship survive an affair?

[Elvira2000]

Simple as that. I caught dh red handed. He's far from perfect, but I do love him. I know he loves me. He is a good dad and finanical situation means splitting would be a huge (unmanageble) option. I don't want to break dd (11) heart.

Reasons over why i want to try to try again. But is it realistic? I know that the reason was sexual. He has a higher sex drive than me. I have ignored this and/or withdrawn sex when he has been an arse for years. I knew it was not sustainable or fair.

I feel partly responsible. (Although he is a grown man - i get that). I also feel very sexually unconfident now. How can he go from the high-octane sex of a new woman (first in 20 years) to a 10 minute run of the mill with me? Also how can I trust him again? We have a dog who needs a lot of walking. Perfect for a quickie, as i discovered. Also we live abroad and me and dd travel back to the uk. In fact that was when it started.

I am at the beginning stage of figuring the future out. (Also childishly signed up to tinder, drinking too much wine and ringing in sick while holding it together for dd - family trip to Ikea today...deserve a bloody medal).

Can relationships survive affairs?

OP

It sounds like you are going to stay with him anyway - his sex drive isn't going to change. So when you take him back because you love him and he's an amazing dad and the " fact dh is amazing around the house - vaccuming, cleaning and washing."

If this is what is important to you - he'll fulfil your needs! but as long as you are honest with yourself and know that as soon as this all calms down, he's back in the house with you and the DC, he'll be back at it again with other women. Don't be kidding yourself.
If you are accepting of this! then stay with him.

Are you seriously saying he was out shagging another woman whilst under the pretence of walking the dog! Jesus Christ - He's like a dog in heat!

He had no problem coming home to you pretending everything was fine. No remorse what so ever - until he was caught!

I actually don't know how you can even contemplate staying with a creep like that.
Do you have such low self respect for yourself - He'll do it again.

Would you be opened to an idea of an open relationship?

I couldn't forgive it. Hope you're okay c

X

Op I just wanted to let you know I think you are super funny. You seem to have so much to give to a partner. You just need a better one!

Reading this, your conflict comes through. You seem deeply hurt but not that surprised, pragmatic more than heartbroken through shock. Forgive me if that's just how I'm reading it.

Generally, I think my advice would be to split as having no trust would be no way to live for me. However I realise that it's not the same for every circumstance.

In the first instance, please know that you would not be breaking your children's hearts (i think that was the expression you used) to split. He sounds like he would take care of them in his time, you would in yours and if he introduced them to a new partner then yes that would sting but time would heal. It's a genuine option that you could make work.

You seem to want to keep the family unit together at least while the kids are at home. Ok. But I'm sorry to say I think he will cheat again and may have done so before. How would you feel about suggesting an open marriage with rules regarding respect and discretion? For me it's quite telling that one of your first steps was to head onto Tinder which suggests that you do have some romantic and sexual interest, just whatever has happened in this marriage has put you off it with this man. If you formalised such an arrangement then perhaps you'd find that easier than wondering whether he was off with someone, it would be more transparent so it would take away the issue of trust and honesty? Not for me personally but if this isn't a simple case of letting the realisation of what's happened sink in and getting angry before ending the marriage then it would be one way to take back some control of the situation and face his behaviour head on rather than simply hoping he doesn't do this again.

Try this website. There seems to be good stuff there

www.survivinginfidelity.com

As others have said you both need to do a lot of work and he needs to be 100% truly remorseful unless you are willing to have a marriage that is only about a certain standard of living and good housework. That may work for some people but I think many stay in that because they fear the alternative. Yet there are also many people who discover the alternative (if it isn't utter poverty such as homelessness) is better than the pretence all is okay when no-one has worked to make it ok, the suspicion, the walking on eggshells. Which children pick up on. I'm certain my dad had affairs/ one night stands and yet my parents stayed together - the impact on my mothers mental health and alcoholism was profound I'm sure. I wish they'd have split up because a home where there's shit, however well hidden behind the curtain, still stinks.

It completely depends on the marriage and the people involved. We are currently reconciling after my husband's affair last year and it's definitely the right decision for us, but only because my husband is doing everything possible: fully owning his behaviour, complete honesty, facing up to really uncomfortable things about his character, doing the work in therapy.

He knows nothing is guaranteed, but I'm genuinely hopeful of a full reconciliation. Ultimately, I think our marriage will be stronger than it ever was and much, much better in all respects.

Reconciliation may not be possible or even desirable in your situation. Just make sure whatever choice you make is right for you and for the right reasons.

Good luck

Yes, of course. Forgiveness is a great virtue and some people are too quick to dismiss this as an option.

I don't think it is so much about forgiveness (although that is a huge part) it is moving forward and trying your damn hardest to forget or at least not resent them for the pain caused. Every time they are late home, every time you cannot get hold of them, every time they are paying too much attention to their phone your mind goes crazy. It sets in like a rot and you become a crazed suspicious, jealous, possessive person that you never were before. Or maybe that was just me!

Don't be a sucker.

He will do it again.

They always do.

If you’re going to stay with a liar you’re going to have to be realistic which means you have 2 choices.

You can ask him questions which he wont answer. You can monitor him and worry about where he is and what he’s doing. You can let it effect your self esteem and throw yourself into repairing something that isn’t repairable.

Or you can quietly accept that he isn’t capable of being faithful. You can quietly detach and turn a blind eye and possibly explore other relationships yourself and accept that it’s now simply a marriage of convenience.

No!
Don't waste your time.
It will always be there lingering in the back of your mind.
When he's late home as stuck in traffic. You'll think he's with someone else.
Gets a text from a mate. You'll think its another woman.
It will make you crazy. No partner is worth that.

The relationship can survive but it will never be the same. I base this on close family members' circumstances. Years of bitterness, mistrust and pain.

If you don’t want to have sex with him, there’s literally no point trying to “save it. He’s going to leave eventually for sex. You don’t want sex with him. I’d go now whilst you’ve got the moral upper hand.

If he is paying his share of the bills and isn't demanding a divorce/selling of assets you don't have to make a decision right now. What you need right now is healing. You will go through the grieving process. One minute you will hate him the next feel sorry for him. Its a horrid mixed bag of emotions and your priority needs to be to work through them and heal you. The relationship can be considered after. He needs to put in the effort to establish why he opted for an affair and didn't communicate what he needed.The website serving infidelity is a good site for the aftermath of an affair and the book just friends was eye opening for me. I'm still undecided about my marriage after my husbands affair but I also know I'm not healed and can't make that decision yet

*website is surviving infidelity

Regardless of the affair, I personally couldn't be with someone who only wanted to have sex every few months and possibly even just tolerates it then.

He should not have had an affair but he should use this time to think about what he wants from a partner.

Could you both just be staying with each other for the same reasons? Everyone deserves happiness and fulfilment in romantic relationships.

You do hear of couples who come back from things like this. I thought I would but I’m on the other side and after 3 torturous years we have now separated and it’s the most horrendous time. That wasn’t even full on physical cheating it was all messages/calls etc but it still destroys who you are as a person and how you view absolutely everything. I can’t stop thinking I should have walked away at the time and I would be in a much better place now.

No.

Some people stay together after affairs but a lot of the time, it's never the same, or they end up breaking up anyway.

The cheater has to want to change. And the person cheated on has to find a way to forgive and move on.

Him having a higher sex drive is no excuse for him to cheat. And your DD is no reason for you to stay. Imagine if she has a partner in the future and they cheat on her. Would you be telling her to stay?

If you were my friend, I'd be telling you to get out of there because both you and your daughter deserve better.

This sounds like my situation. Ten years ago - we're good now. The difference is that I know I could go on my own too.

He definitely shouldn't have cheated, but you are totally unreasonable if you expect him to live happily in a sexless marriage. He should have been adult enough to leave you.

Obviously any relationship can survive if both parties want it to. The more pertinent point is that the relationship can never be the same as it once was. You've lost that innocence - for want of a better word - of the untainted relationship, where you believed on faith that the other person would never do anything to hurt you.
You have to be careful that your revised perspective of the post-affair relationship does not affect the way you also view the world in general. The world can become grey following discovery of cheating.
When a person chooses to cheat, they are choosing to be vile and selfish, giving little or no thought to the potential consequences. They would need to show that they no understand how their actions can affect other people and they would need to put in maximum effort to try to make their partner happy again.

I think it can survive (for a while) if you are ok with the fact that there is no trust in the relationship, it’s pretty much an open marriage/marriage of convenience. It’ll only be a matter of time before he, or you, find someone you’re more suited to so you’re really just kicking the can further down the road until an inevitable break up.