Boyfriends mother’s attitude towards me is making me really annoyed!

[Doesanyonethink]

I am getting fed up with my boyfriends mum. One day I’m going to say something. I suffer with chronic fatigue. I developed it after a decade of abuse from my husband.

I am a survivor of abuse! I’m doing my absolute best.

Im coming to terms with it now as I used to fight against it and just end up feeling worse. Acceptance is difficult when the people around you dismiss it because they can’t see it or understand how it feels.

I feel this is just a problem in society in general. I am of not of use now really, when in actual fact I have a lot to give, I’m a good person with lots of life exercise. I love her son and visa versa. We accept each other for who we are, neither of us are perfect, no one is. She makes comments all the time which dismiss my illness and what I’ve been through.

I don’t know what to do about it? My boyfriend doesn’t really see it.
I am proud of what I have gone through and come out the other side even if a little bruised and battered.

How is this coming up? Why do you see her do often?

I wouldn't discuss it with her at all. It's none of her business.
I'd be breezy and keep communication to a polite minimum.

We see them quite a bit, my boyfriend is close to them. We have a baby together, have been together for a few years, have a lovely house. I do my best, push myself too much really. It comes up because I’m very honest, I’m not ashamed of where I’ve come from and I have this illness so it’s not something I can or should hide. I just wish they’d keep the comments to themselves. If he didn’t think I was good enough he wouldn’t be by my side.

I have ME/chronic fatigue syndrome.

You can’t make people understand. I know it’s sad and deeply irritating but you can’t. Most people seem to think you can’t just over ride exhaustion or MH issues (like depression etc…) and if you don’t, it’s because you are lazy.

Im afraid that in 15~20 years of being ill, I haven’t found away to make people understand unless they walked that path themselves.

So I ignore. Oh make comment about ‘doing my best’. I avoid discussions that could go on about my illness/limitations.
And I kept people around me who DO understand and celebrate my achievements with me.
Trying to convince people that you’ve done well (which you definitively have!) is the surest path to hell. You’ll only hit a brick wall. Repeatedly.

One day I’m going to say something.

So say it. No need to be unnecessarily rude, but be assertive and fair.

Btw not talking about your past experiences or your health issues with people who don’t get it (incl your MIL) isn’t hiding your issues/your experiences.

Its protecting yourself and putting boundaries for YOURSELF.

Hiding your past would be refusing to talk about it with anyone, refusing to see the impact it has on you (good and bad). And that’s definitively not what you are doing.

@MyriadOfTravels I don’t talk about it continuously. What I meant is they know about my health, I’ve not hidden it in the past. I would rather they say nothing then say things that are a dig really. She tells me in her day she did x y z she was never tired. I don’t expect them to understand. People don’t seem to have empathy anymore.

The charitable interpretation, never popular of course, might be she is concerned ( wrongly) for her son and possibly grand child. She wants them to have the best possible support and care.

It sounds as if you give your family that, but maybe you are asking for appreciation not for your very real achievements in the present, but for your past trauma and present difficulties.

What do you think would happen if you asked for her help and support? And thanked her for it. Would that involve her as a positive influence rather than a negative critical one?

you might have to bite your lip and go and tell a tree what you really think. But it might be worth trying for the sake of harmony.

Isn’t there a saying about it taking a village to raise a child. It feels very dog eat dog out there. Lots of people have so much to give and feel ostracised.

I didn’t think you were talking about it constantly @Doesanyonethink 🙂🙂

I just treat any comment such as ‘in her day she did x y z she was never tired’ in the same way as I treat someone telling me they are running a marathon every weekend. I inwardly roll my eyes at the idea of me doing that, smile and say something along the lines ‘it’s great you can do that!’
Thats it.

I’m more then this illness and my past. I’m lucky my boyfriend thinks so. I have just met so many people who write me off and I’m tired of it…no pun intended

Yep….

And Thats why I found that having a group of people around me who gets it invaluable.
I think thats linked to the fact we are an ableist society. If you don’t fit the mold, you’re discarded. Regardless of what you can bring to the world.

@MyriadOfTravels where did you find that support? My support circle is shit tbh. I also really feel the need to help others as I know how it feels to feel mis understood and alone

You are right to surround yourself with people who understand and support you - of course you have loads to give

One of by best friends has MS and yes, there are lots of things she can't go, but loads she can and she has a fabulous network of family and friends who agree and support her. Her parents are awful, very dismissive like your boyfriend's mum - she doesn't see them any more!

I would not bring it up, but not back off when she does. So when she says 'I did x, y & z' reply that you are happy for her, she is incredibly lucky she was able to
Make sure you talk about all the good stuff in your life, and that your boyfriend backs you up

@jackstini ive no family support really. My mum has M.S so is unable. I lost my dad, his parents are a no. It’s hard.

Next time she makes a comment, just look right at her and say " Mary, we don't know each other very well. Lets just aim for polite tolerance on both sides, okay?"

does your dh have to do a lot more when you’re feeling particularly exhausted? I’m just wondering if he has possibly said something to his dm. I was ill last year and for about 8 months my dh would work really long hours then come back to an untidy house and no dinner ect he was understanding of why and that I couldn’t help it but I know he found it really difficult to do everything at times and I’m wondering if he’s maybe mentioned this to his mum and she’s now not treating you very well because of it.

I can't understand how your previous relationships and illness come up so much for this to be an issue. I'd keep to polite chit chat, there really is no need to have these discussions with a MIL, especially if it's causing friction.

@marshmallowsforbreakfast because I’m open and honest and don’t hard parts of me. They are parts of me and not dirty secrets to hide away. That and I was silenced for along time in my marriage I probably have verbal diarrhoea.

Don’t hide

I’m starting to learn tho that sharing leaves me vulnerable

Maybe she is concerned that if toy are that unwell why you would have had a child?

I also can't understand what is going on that this seems to come up enough for it to be an issue?

We are only hearing one side of this

Going by what you've said on this thread it sounds like maybe you still have some work to do in terms of processing where you're at now compared to where you were before.
You have accomplished a lot and deserve to be proud of your achievements, you seem to have a supportive partner and an otherwise happy home life now.
I wonder how much it is being brought up by you unintentionally, or how much his mother actually understands about how you're feeling.
As always the best thing to do would be speak to her without being defensive (not always easy) and take some time to reflect on yourself too.
I say this as someone with a chronic illness myself who has also been through major trauma in the past. I spent many years feeling like people were against me and had a real sense of needing to prove myself. Eventually I realised I was trying to prove myself to myself and that is just exhausting.
As soon as I stopped putting so much pressure on myself everything started to ease a bit and I could have a proper talk with my MIL about how I was feeling.
As another user said earlier, it's not that you're hiding anything by not talking about it it's about putting in boundaries where you need them.

I honestly don’t talk about it often at all. I may yawn for example in their presence and will be greeted with what do you have to be tired about or you clearly not getting outside enough. It’s annoying. Friends who’ve had babies get physical support from family, we’ve had nothing in the past 4 months.

I had a difficult birth with a major bleed with a difficult recovery, no support offered. I find it odd that people who know someone does suffer with a health condition doesn’t offer something.