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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriends mother’s attitude towards me is making me really annoyed!

67 replies

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 09:36

I am getting fed up with my boyfriends mum. One day I’m going to say something. I suffer with chronic fatigue. I developed it after a decade of abuse from my husband.

I am a survivor of abuse! I’m doing my absolute best.

Im coming to terms with it now as I used to fight against it and just end up feeling worse. Acceptance is difficult when the people around you dismiss it because they can’t see it or understand how it feels.

I feel this is just a problem in society in general. I am of not of use now really, when in actual fact I have a lot to give, I’m a good person with lots of life exercise. I love her son and visa versa. We accept each other for who we are, neither of us are perfect, no one is. She makes comments all the time which dismiss my illness and what I’ve been through.

I don’t know what to do about it? My boyfriend doesn’t really see it.
I am proud of what I have gone through and come out the other side even if a little bruised and battered.

OP posts:

Ihavedogs · 14/03/2023 13:19

You don’t need those around you to ‘get it’ for you to be able to accept your health condition. In fact you are setting yourself up to fail. The majority of people, including some doctors, don’t ‘get it’, so expecting your boyfriend’s mother to fully ‘get it’, is a big ask. My DH despite being supportive, doesn’t fully get it and he lives with me 24/7. I can’t base my recovery (acceptance is part of recovery) around what he thinks. If you need support around CFS, I would seek out online support groups. It may also be helpful to find a separate support network with other parents of little ones.

We have been together for a few years and in discussions it has been mentioned. If they have no understanding then they can ask for advice or google the illness, if they wanted to support that is.

What advice are you expecting them to ask for, or what specifics do you think they should google? Google doesn’t really have the answer as all of us with ME/CFS are at different stages and our symptoms are not the same.

It is not fully clear as to how she dismisses your illness and what you have been through, but your difficult time with your ex were your difficult times and not hers. From what you have said I am getting a feeling that you almost want her to be your therapist and support worker rather than your boyfriend’s mother.

I think it would be sensible to step back and view the situation through new eyes. That includes how you are managing your CFS (pushing through things is not the way forward without consequences). It could be that you are mentioning your health, through speech, body language and gestures along with your limitations and the consequences of your past relationship far more than you realise.

One of the most important things that I have learnt about my CFS journey is to lower my expectations of myself and others.

jackstini · 14/03/2023 13:41

Agree no support network makes it much harder

Trying to think of options

Are you in a support group for chronic fatigue?

Any baby groups nearby?

Churches (not sure where you stand on this but they were fantastic through my kids growing up - the second family/takes a village etc. was spot on)

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job in difficult circumstances - hats off to you 🎩

FishChipsMushyPeas · 14/03/2023 14:11

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 11:41

Ah ok. It’s just a difficult patch. Would be for a non m.e partner. Baby cries continuously it’s tiring. Obviously I don’t expect my mum to be able to do much, she does help a little. There are 2 healthy grandparents who do nothing, it’s frustrating, especially when friends around me have support.

I wonder if its because you seem to be expecting them to acknowledge that you believe its worse for you than for parents that don't have M.E? It might be annoying for them and they may perceive that you are looking for attention or making 'excuses'. Or they may just not understand the condition.

To be honest though, its not up to them to help with your baby, m.e. or not.

Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 14:31

I don’t know, they probably just don’t want an ex abuse survivor with a health condition as a daughter in law. Trouble is hardship can happen to anyone at any point in a relationship. I know that if I am able when I’m older I would be very supportive and accepting. I know how it feels.

OP posts:

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 14/03/2023 14:41

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 14:31

With the greatest of respect - you say you are more than your illness and past, but then you say things like this.

Do you think maybe you could be reading in to things too deeply?

Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 14:49

I am more but they probably see what a lot of judgmental people do. There’s a reason a lot of people don’t speak out about things.

OP posts:

MarieRoseMarie · 14/03/2023 14:57

It sounds like you are projecting onto them quite a bit. They sound slightly selfish but it sounds like they are the same with everyone. You are the one who seems to read it as a personal attack.

Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 14:59

Or perhaps it’s my car or my hair colour or perhaps because despite my history their son loves me enough to look past those bits. Honestly they aren’t great people if they can’t be kind and supportive. I’m lucky to have found someone as kind as him. Will have to accept they won’t be the grandparents I thought. We are what we are.

OP posts:

Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 15:10

I really wouldn’t have posted for advice if I really didn’t think they were being off with me.

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Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 15:16

Who books a holiday the week over the due date of their sons first baby (c-section so booked in)

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Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 15:26

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 15:16

Who books a holiday the week over the due date of their sons first baby (c-section so booked in)

I know quite a few people that has happened to actually. In fact it’s pretty likely to happen if your due date in during the summer. They probably think with a c section there shouldn’t be any surprises or maybe like umpteen mothers on here they think that you will want a few days to yourself before having visitors 🤷‍♀️ You seem to want them to centre their life decisions around you

Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 15:44

Baby was born in the winter. I miscarried before this and she said it was for the best. Anyway it’s pointless to keep going over it. I get what people are saying about not expecting too much.

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 15:52

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 15:44

Baby was born in the winter. I miscarried before this and she said it was for the best. Anyway it’s pointless to keep going over it. I get what people are saying about not expecting too much.

People are allowed to go on holiday when they want. Your boyfriend’s mother’s response tbf is what I would expect from an older woman, I wouldn’t say it was necessarily saying it was better you didn’t have the baby you miscarried, but that it was better for the baby as there must have been something not right. I suppose it’s like everything in life, sometimes we have to change our perspective on things we can’t change. You can’t change your boyfriend’s mother not wanting to help out more, but you can change viewing that as a slight on you yourself and focus on what positives there are in the relationship.

Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 15:56

They are only early 50s. Their son really could have done with the supper regardless of me.

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Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 15:56

support

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MyriadOfTravels · 14/03/2023 15:58

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 15:16

Who books a holiday the week over the due date of their sons first baby (c-section so booked in)

People who don’t see themselves as ‘involved’ as grand parents and think it’s their ds responsibility/life, not theirs.

And I get that it’s not what you would do. I wouldn’t either.
But just as much as you chose your partner, in some ways you dint chose their parents. They are who they are (and many in MN seem to think it’s a perfectly normal attitude 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️). I’d adapt my behaviour and expectations to who they are (incl not sharing too much)

Original poster

Doesanyonethink · 14/03/2023 16:00

@MyriadOfTravels you are right. It’s their loss their grandchild is adorable

OP posts:

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