Boyfriends mother’s attitude towards me is making me really annoyed!

[Doesanyonethink]

I am getting fed up with my boyfriends mum. One day I’m going to say something. I suffer with chronic fatigue. I developed it after a decade of abuse from my husband.

I am a survivor of abuse! I’m doing my absolute best.

Im coming to terms with it now as I used to fight against it and just end up feeling worse. Acceptance is difficult when the people around you dismiss it because they can’t see it or understand how it feels.

I feel this is just a problem in society in general. I am of not of use now really, when in actual fact I have a lot to give, I’m a good person with lots of life exercise. I love her son and visa versa. We accept each other for who we are, neither of us are perfect, no one is. She makes comments all the time which dismiss my illness and what I’ve been through.

I don’t know what to do about it? My boyfriend doesn’t really see it.
I am proud of what I have gone through and come out the other side even if a little bruised and battered.

I’ll also add I had pretty much zero help in 8 years of parenting and that’s with 3 sets of grandparent I did feel resentful. When I got sick me and dh realised that’s because everyone thought we could handle it all and I never actually asked for help. If you’re struggling all you can do is ask (they could say no) but they can’t read your mind and if you don’t ask they can’t help.

As for why we had a child, many people with health conditions can be fantastic parents. I’m not in bed, I’m up and busy every day. I push myself which is not the best but I try my best. I owed and paid off my house before getting ill so don’t need much financially.

I think this is the key. A lot of the time people presume that if you aren't asking for help then you must not need it.
Or perhaps the mother is trying to gently encourage OP to acknowledge why she is tired and ask for the mum's support. It's hard to tell without both sides of the story.

I mean I find it incredible you are pouting like this when your own father is dead and your mother has MS, it’s hardly their fault they can’t help you. Have you considered your boyfriend’s mum just doesn’t like you? I know you have CFS but leaving that aside, did she like you before you had the baby?

Maybe the mother feels that you are defining yourself by your past and its effects, instead of moving forward? There is a big difference between not hiding and over sharing.

For example, a simple yawn is hardly likely to be picked up on or noticed. A dramatic yawn followed by a comment on how "I really pushed myself yesterday so am feeling it today because of my health issues" may sound a little martyred. They could just be a little done with it.

@iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened Exactly. A lot of mils would be worried to offer help in case it’s taken in the wrong way, so they wait to be asked.

My mother in law is the same I have multiple chronic genetic illnesses that I didn't know I had till I had children (otherwise I wouldn't of had children).
"What have you got to be tired over?" "Why can't you do x, y and z?" "You've took the kids to school and gone back to bed again?!"
I just ignore her now and don't even bother replying just change the subject or go quiet.

This is exactly what it was with mine! I just didn't realise until over ten years later when I finally worked on my own trauma and was able to see things with clarity.

perhaps she doesn’t like me, that’s fine but her grandchild, she hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m not portraying myself right at all. I do not go over and talk continuously. We have been together for a few years and in discussions it has been mentioned. If they have no understanding then they can ask for advice or google the illness, if they wanted to support that is.
No I don’t yawn dramatically I may yawn several times discreetly in a row. My past is past of who I am as are lots of other things. I’ve moved forward a great deal also.

She is just not interested then. Probably hasn’t gotten over the fact you were married before, she probably doesn’t see you as good enough for her son as not a virgin bride. She doesn’t sound like the kind of person who is going to suddenly develop a lot of empathy for your CFS and probably worries you won’t be able to look after the baby and that sooner or later it will fall to her anyway.

The baby has a milk allergy and bad reflux so cries about 20 hours a day. I’ve mentioned its tiring as she doesn’t sleep at night. She replied that’s babies. Yes that’s babies but that’s of little help.

Jeez @Eyerollcentral im not completely incapable.

I’m sure you’re not, I said that’s maybe what the mother in law thinks. I don’t think that

Ah ok. It’s just a difficult patch. Would be for a non m.e partner. Baby cries continuously it’s tiring. Obviously I don’t expect my mum to be able to do much, she does help a little. There are 2 healthy grandparents who do nothing, it’s frustrating, especially when friends around me have support.

At the of the day it’s your baby. It’s not fair to expect grandparents to help. I’m sure you had a retry good idea which of the grandparents would be helpful or not before you had the baby

Have you asked for any help?

I think you just have to accept that they aren't the involved Grandparents you hoped they would be and maybe not be round there so often or let your Dp take your child round and you get some rest. Stop telling them you are doing your best, they don't seem to care. I hate it when you complain about the baby crying or not sleeping and someone says well that's babies for you. No shit Sherlock. At least sympathise with someone.

Please don't push your body, you have nothing to prove to anyone. Push through when you have to for your child but for anyone else? Nope. I have endometriosis and quit working when Ds1 was a toddler which saw a massive improvement to my physical and mental health. I still have chronic fatigue and need to sleep every day during the day just from being awake. Endo is not just painful periods but a whole body disorder. I still have a friend who says things like you should come and paint my lounge, yes because I am doing nothing in the day. She just thinks I nap for fun. How she thinks I get on with physical activities I will never know. I am tired from just being awake. She is completely lovely though so I just nod and say pay someone like last time. She will never get it. Luckily I have an amazing Dh and great children who totally get it. They are teens.

They aren’t great with their other grandchildren either. My other half said it’s because their mum is over protective but I’m guessing that they wasn’t too helpful either so now she doesn’t ask anything of them. They booked a weeks holiday over our child’s due date which was helpful with me being unwell from the bleed and poor partner having no support from his parents.

There is a lot if potential reasons for your MIL behaviour. We can all speculate on what it is….

I think you need to give up hoping for some help from her. She doesn’t want to do it, be involved with her dgd. She might well NOT want to be involved because she doesn’t want to deal with the constant crying. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ Or she doesn’t understand the milk allergy and think it’s just people being fussy nowadays and seeing issues when there isn’t any….
Whatever the reason, she won’t help. It’s frustrating when you’d love some support. Or when you see others getting that support. But you can’t make her.

I do think your DP needs to be much more on the ball. When MIL says stuff like ‘it’s normal’ or ‘you should be going out more’ (all very standard advice btw. Not particularly helpful but standard….), your DP needs to step up and answer her. He could easily highlight how disturbed your (as his and yours!) nights are. How it’s harder to do that when you have a baby crying constantly etc…. Or simply that it’s not a helpful comment.

I also think you are pushing yourself too much. With ME, it’s never a good idea(and yes it’s pretty hard with such a young baby). You are risking to crash massively and have a setback/get worse. Plus, when you are exhausted, it’s easy to end up on survival mode. That means everything is harder to cope with. From baby crying to unhelpful comments from MIL.

Mainly online.

I have moderate to severe ME and rarely go out if the house. So I’m finding people with ME online.
It’s a great place to get advice and support from people who have been there i iyswim.

And then through baby groups, friends etc… to cope with baby crying and day to day stuff.

Grandparents cannot win on here. They either get banned from seeing the baby for a month after the birth or they must be sitting by the phone for a week either side of the due date. Your partner’s parents aren’t interested in being full time grandparents. Your partner needs to step up here and maybe you need to consider how you can afford additional help if you are risking your health by pushing yourself too far, the baby needs you so you can’t exhaust yourself but it’s not your partner’s mother’s job to solve that problem. Can you get PIPS? Could that help you pay for childcare or help round the house?

I tend to find people that use the 'it takes a village quote' a little bit frustrating to be honest.
No it really doesn't!! Lots of grandparents are still working full time when their GC are born.
Did you know you had the CFS when you got pregnant? If you did and you just expected your mil to help that's on you.
The times it may have 'taken a village ' where when women stayed at home to rear multiple children and things like doing the laundry were a laborious physical task so the next door neighbour might have kept an eye on the children whilst it was done.
If you are struggling your partner needs to step up rather than expecting your mil to take the slack.

@iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened I was exactly the same. I work nights and have another child with additional needs and I don’t have any other support. I always thought my mil was some wicked person who didn’t want to help me out, I had hinted over the last 8 years how hard it was and how tired I was but she never offered. When I got sick i finally asked her out right for help and to my surprise she dropped everything like a hot potato and helped immediately. She has finally been able to bond with my children and I’ve realised that I probably overthought a lot of the things she said and judged her a little too harshly.

Also I ageee with pp, although it’s nice when gp help out it isn’t their job too.