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Original poster

Can a real narcissist change?

86 replies

Cookiemonster83 · 13/03/2023 14:17

Is it something in the brain that can’t be undone, like faulty wiring?

Can you have a good upbringing and just be wired that way or does it need to adverse child experiences etc?

OP posts:
SleekMamma · 13/03/2023 17:30

Out of curiosity what did you say to her at the gerbil incident?
Any consequences for her?
And how did she respond to these?

RebelliousStarrChild · 13/03/2023 17:36

Do you remember how you reacted to what she did?

Name99 · 13/03/2023 17:38

Erm, have you taken it to a vet if half its tail is "broken off"

Emmamoo89 · 13/03/2023 17:40

My partners ex is a narcassist. I don't believe she'll ever change.

PearCrumbleCustard · 13/03/2023 17:40

Yes because each person is different, and we learn a huge amount of social rules as we grow. They’ve for example found genes and brain patterns that are more common in psychopaths, but only a few psychopaths go on to do bad things to other people.

If your child has been cruel to an animal this is a red flag though and one I’d take very seriously. Be very consistent with rules, have a lot of interactions which include guessing or games about ‘what other people or animals think or feel’, happy or sad - so getting her to consistently think of others perspectives. Make sure her school is as good as it can be with it’s morals, anti bullying etc, encourage a good peer group and as she gets older consider specialist therapy and assessment if you still have concerns. Better to help her in a proactive way. Lots of love also!

Justforlaffs · 13/03/2023 17:45

Cookiemonster83 · 13/03/2023 17:27

@RebelliousStarrChild she just laughed to be honest. Then half the tail fell off and we padlocked the cage so she can’t open it again.

Bloody hell 😬

What did you say to her? Mine would’ve got a very severe bollocking and punishment for that (by punishment I mean iPad taken away for 2 weeks or something similar) I would also (when I’d got over the shock!) have explained why that is such a disgusting thing to do and why it must never happen again. In fact I think I’d just get rid of the gerbils!

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 13/03/2023 17:53

She was punished with no treats for quite a while and lost access to the cage with padlocks. The gerbil is absolutely fine. There are a few incidents that have concerned me. She was 5 and told me to
swim into the lake on a a camping trip we were on and drown. The same trip she tagged onto another lady and said she wanted her to be her mum. It made me very upset but she would look at me and laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 13/03/2023 17:56

She doesn’t really have friends at school. She doesn’t share well and pushes and shoves. I’ve asked the school for help. It’s difficult her father has started to get every other weekend. With him there are no rules, he buys her what she wants. Every time I try and enforce and kind of punishment she says I’ll tell daddy and get him to scare you, or I want to live with him. I feel like I’m loosing the battle here.

OP posts:
RebelliousStarrChild · 13/03/2023 17:59

But what emotion did you have when you reacted? Were you angry, shocked, upset ect? Were you able to make it clear how unacceptable and cruel it was for her to do that? did you discuss it with her?

Honestly, it sounds like your concerns are valid and I would be getting her to see a therapist ASAP.

CreateAUsername2023 · 13/03/2023 18:00

Name changed for this.

Yes, and no.

I am a narcissist/psychopath, as a previous poster pointed out, the two go hand-in-hand.

It took me until my mid 20s to be able to really appear kind and caring.
I still struggle with real empathy, or care for others. That said, I like how other's perceive me when I'm nice or caring. Therefore, I do it.

I have a great marriage. We have argued maybe twice in 5 years. Again, this suits me. I dislike arguing. My husband's love language is acts of service, and this works well for me too. He loves that I cook for him and sees this as an act of love despite me seeing it as a logical necessity - we need to eat!

I have a job that you'd never imagine, and I'm very good at it.

If your daughter is wired this way, you can do therapy to help. You can also help her to see that 'nicer' behaviours help her to get what she wants in life.

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 13/03/2023 18:10

@RebelliousStarrChild i think overwhelmingly we were shocked and disappointed. Then to here her laugh when we explained how much that hurt that gerbil was more disbelief. She promised not to do it again but she did get her hand in another time and drag it by it’s tail.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 13/03/2023 18:20

Definately getting Wednesday from the Adams family vibes op.

I'd be worried about her having contact with your abusive ex. I hope you fought tooth and nail to prevent that. But unfortunately it may be you were obligated to allow it.

If it were me I'd move us to another country. Or at least, to the other side of the country in order to make it hard for him to spend time with her. Abusers do not belong near children. Much of her behaviour may simply be mimicking him.

The 'I'll tell daddy' is very worrying. It shows she knows how to manipulate and has no bother holding a threat over a grown adults head.

You are right to take this seriously.

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 13/03/2023 18:25

@Pinkbonbon I fought in court for three years but it’s contact at all costs

OP posts:
Qbish · 13/03/2023 18:29

Moonicorn · 13/03/2023 14:17

Very few people are ‘true’ narcissists although most exes on here are, oddly.

Snarky. So are many mothers and fathers.

And in my case, a grandmother. There is no way, ever, she would have changed. Because there was nothing wrong with her. It was everyone else.

SadAboutSD · 13/03/2023 18:53

CreateAUsername2023 · 13/03/2023 18:00

Name changed for this.

Yes, and no.

I am a narcissist/psychopath, as a previous poster pointed out, the two go hand-in-hand.

It took me until my mid 20s to be able to really appear kind and caring.
I still struggle with real empathy, or care for others. That said, I like how other's perceive me when I'm nice or caring. Therefore, I do it.

I have a great marriage. We have argued maybe twice in 5 years. Again, this suits me. I dislike arguing. My husband's love language is acts of service, and this works well for me too. He loves that I cook for him and sees this as an act of love despite me seeing it as a logical necessity - we need to eat!

I have a job that you'd never imagine, and I'm very good at it.

If your daughter is wired this way, you can do therapy to help. You can also help her to see that 'nicer' behaviours help her to get what she wants in life.

"I have a job that you'd never imagine"
Are you in the medical profession?

CreateAUsername2023 · 13/03/2023 18:57

@SadAboutSD No- teacher

Lostmymind11 · 13/03/2023 18:59

I follow a guy on instagram who is a diagnosed narcissist. He has changed but he has therapy and will have it for the rest of his life to help him function more 'normal'. He does videos to help you spot narcissistic behaviour and what to do in certain instances

Triffid1 · 13/03/2023 19:06

People can only change when they themselves want it. Narcissists, or people exhibiting narcissistic behaviour, by their nature do not have the ability to see that their wants and needs and behaviours are problematic. As a result, the chance that they could ever recognise their own behaviour and then also realise its a problem and then also do the work to change.... very low.

Unwellhousehold · 13/03/2023 19:13

If a sociopath/psychopath can change, a narcissist can. It does however take a lot of work, discipline and time, I'm not taking one or two therapy sessions. YEARS of therapy and psychiatric support, prescriptions if needed, CBT, life long management. It'll work if they're willing, won't work if they're not

letitkeepgoing · 13/03/2023 19:21

If they recognise they have a problem and got help them yes, maybe. Problem is it's very unlikely a narcissist would ever believe they need help.

iamenough2023 · 13/03/2023 19:37

Triffid1 · 13/03/2023 19:06

People can only change when they themselves want it. Narcissists, or people exhibiting narcissistic behaviour, by their nature do not have the ability to see that their wants and needs and behaviours are problematic. As a result, the chance that they could ever recognise their own behaviour and then also realise its a problem and then also do the work to change.... very low.

This.

Mateyduck · 13/03/2023 19:38

No. They can’t change. It runs through them like a stick of Brighton rock.

Hotvimto3 · 13/03/2023 19:52

Have you heard of ODD... where a child is purposely vindictive and wont follow/isnt concerned with rules. If unaddressed it very often leads to personality disorder. He behaviour is concerning. Ask the school and doctor for assessments.

Enthrallingstoryofstillnessandlight · 13/03/2023 19:57

Mateyduck · 13/03/2023 19:38

No. They can’t change. It runs through them like a stick of Brighton rock.

Totally agree, it's incredible how you can tell them repeatedly what behaviors are completely unacceptable but they will justify and defend until the end of days

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 13/03/2023 20:11

@Hotvimto3 yes I’ve heard of that. Just had another incident this evening. I’m changing the baby and she goes to draw on her face and poked her in the eye. I’ve told her off and she ran off and screwed up all her homework. I’ve asked her why she did that instead of just saying sorry. She said did what you made me poke her then then it’s your fault I screwed up my work. I try to explain she could have hurt her baby sister and she just shouts blah blah blah in my face.

OP posts: