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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL and Elder Care Expectations

55 replies

Notdutybound · 13/03/2023 13:51

My DH has tried to have a discussion with MIL many times over the years about what she has in place for her future. She lives with her long-term partner but the house belongs to him. He has his own children who he presumably will leave the property to in the event that he dies first. He won't discuss his plans with us but has indicated that MIL will be ok. I assume there's a clause to say she can remain there until her death, but he won't confirm. MIL won't discuss it with her partner either so has no idea what her future holds.

The real issue for us is that she appears under the impression that she can come and live with us. It's been mentioned by her "jokingly" many times over the years. About a year ago DH sat her down and told her straight that moving in with us in the future is not an option. We thought the issue was resolved. However, we saw her recently and the topic came up again due to another relative's death leaving a bit of a mess behind. She stated that she wouldn't want to stay in her partner's home even if she legally could and that she would "just have to come and live with you". She then refused to engage when DH once again tried to explain why it was not an option.

This has left us feeling pretty bad as obviously, we don't want to have to keep telling her that we won't be having her here. It's absolutely out of the question though. I have no desire for living with MIL, let alone care for her in her dotage. We don't have space, money, or time for it either. We still have young children who will be at home for at least the next 15 years or so. We also both work full time and have no other family around that could help out. My own mother has made it clear that she has no expectations like this from me and frankly, my husband has been an utter arse at times over the years and while he's better now I have no desire to make any sacrifices to care for his mum (and let's be honest it would end up falling to me).

To clarify in case anybody asks we have had no family help over the years as we live miles from family so we are not in any kind of "debt" in that way.

Away, I guess my question is how do we broach this with MIL to make her understand that we are serious? I honestly believe she thinks that if she just waits until the situation arises we will have no choice but to take her in. Without wanting to come across as a completely uncaring bitch I would not agree to do so.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 13/03/2023 13:56

She understands perfectly, you have been clear. She just doesn’t want to engage with it.

Proceed as if she has understood. Your DH should say “ok, mum, shall we look at care homes near you sometime for a bit of research? “ or similar

SheilaFentiman · 13/03/2023 13:57

And he should probably do that anyway, as it may be that she and her partner move out because of care needs not death.

Cats23 · 13/03/2023 13:59

If she mentions again , guve her a list of care homes around the area.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2023 14:04

Your MIL does understand perfectly but is sticking her head in the sand. She does not want to acknowledge the fact that she will not be able to live with you people.

She likely also knows she is in a precarious legal position with regards to her partner. He though is keeping his cards close to his chest and I would assume there is no provision for her in his will. All his mutterings about she being ok mean nothing if it is not written in his will.

SheilaFentiman · 13/03/2023 14:05

Come on over to the elderly parents topic if it would help

billy1966 · 13/03/2023 14:08

You planked this firmly in the lap of your arse of a husband.

Stop engaging with her about it.

Tell HIM that it is up to HIM to make clear and that YOU will not be discussing or entertaining this any further.

I am glad to read you are having none of it.

This is 100% his situation to sort out.
She knows well the status quo but intends to ignore it.

Her partners refusal to spell things out would absolutely confirm to me that he will NOT be making any provision for her and she will be out on her ear if he dies first.

billy1966 · 13/03/2023 14:10

Your husband giving her a bunch of brochures should drive the point home.

CanOfPop · 13/03/2023 15:06

Her DP may be saying this e.g. don't worry what I do with the house, you can go and live with your son.
There is nothing you can do, but if she says it again I would just keep repeating that it is not happening. You could even start dropping hints that once the children move out, you plan to downsize to a 1 bedroom flat. Even if you have no such plans, it makes the point clearly.

Original poster
Notdutybound · 13/03/2023 15:26

I honestly don't think that her partner would leave her homeless. However, I suspect he's probably left her a lifetime interest in living in his house which wouldn't help if she needed care. She has no assets whatsoever and we don't have money to pay for her care home either. This is something I hadn't even considered before now.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 13/03/2023 15:32

Notdutybound · 13/03/2023 15:26

I honestly don't think that her partner would leave her homeless. However, I suspect he's probably left her a lifetime interest in living in his house which wouldn't help if she needed care. She has no assets whatsoever and we don't have money to pay for her care home either. This is something I hadn't even considered before now.

If she has no assets then she will need to go into a council funded home. I honestly think it would be very messy if he dies before her and she is living in a house owned by someone else and needs care visits etc. Does she live a long way from you?

DuvetDownn · 13/03/2023 15:46

How old is your MIL and her partner?

wheretoyougonow · 13/03/2023 15:55

The council will not pay for her to go to a care home if she doesn't have high care needs. Your husband needs to tell her that if she doesn't sort this out she will need to present herself as homeless to housing or pay rent privately.
She can always start saving now whilst she is living presumably rent free....
You have my sympathy but I would step back and let her son sort out this one.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/03/2023 15:55

Unless they are both mid 80-s or have some kind of life limiting illness it's pretty academic right now. It doesn't sound as if she's ever done any forward planning for her old age and I doubt she's going to change that; not least because she must realise she is up shit creek without a paddle and just be avoiding the whole issue.

DuvetDownn · 13/03/2023 15:59

I wouldn’t get involved or give it anymore thought. The partner may have set up a lifetime interest in the property and if he hasn’t she’ll have to try and rent somewhere.

CanOfPop · 13/03/2023 15:59

Council funded care homes are a last resort for the council. What is much more likely is carers going in 4 times a day to do basics of get up, dressed, fed, medication, toileting, and back to bed.

Velvian · 13/03/2023 16:01

If you know their address, you can get a copy of the title from the Land Registry. It will name the owners and list any legal charges against the property.

Beamur · 13/03/2023 16:05

Your DH has told her living with you is not an option.
There's not much point stressing about what happens next really. MIL is a grown woman (although one perhaps who is used to other people making decisions for her) and until you know otherwise take her partner's word that she has been provided for.
In the event of her outliving him and this not being the case, you can help her asses her options at that point.

neitherofthem · 13/03/2023 16:05

Notdutybound · 13/03/2023 15:26

I honestly don't think that her partner would leave her homeless. However, I suspect he's probably left her a lifetime interest in living in his house which wouldn't help if she needed care. She has no assets whatsoever and we don't have money to pay for her care home either. This is something I hadn't even considered before now.

If she has no assets, then she wouldn't have to pay for a care home place anyway. The state would pay.

How old is she?

RebelliousStarrChild · 13/03/2023 16:10

Does your husband actually agree with you? Or is he just going along with what you have decided?

Beamur · 13/03/2023 16:10

It wouldn't be your responsibility to pay for her care. If she has no home, she may be offered sheltered accommodation of some kind. Councils tend to try and provide care at home, if she became eligible for a residential home there will probably be limited choice of where to go. Depends on where you live.
My friends Mum is in a lovely home which is funded by the council but it's a place that usually requires top up fees from families. My friend couldn't offer that but I think they had a lot of vacancies so gave a place anyway.

whiteroseredrose · 13/03/2023 16:11

Keep reiterating that she is NOT living with you. Say it clearly in front of everyone regularly.

We ended up with MIL with us for several months and FIL too for a month and it was awful.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 13/03/2023 16:21

How old are they if you still have fairly young children? This could not be an issue for 10-20 years.

You need to decide how you're going to approach and stick to it. Many parents I know have moved in with children in the immediate aftermath of their partners death while they grieve (usually a month or so while funeral etc is being sorted). In this instance, if she moves in you won't really be able to get her out again. She could leave, tell her partners kids she's moving in with you (while you think its temporary) and waive her right to remain in that house. You can't kick her out again as she has no where to go and no assets with which to afford to.

You're going to need a hard line of her not moving in at all. I'm afraid you're going to have to tell your DH to choose. He stays living with you or, if he's dead set on not leaving his mum alone, he moves out and in with her. Her and you in same house isn't an option.

EyesOnThePies · 13/03/2023 16:23

How old is she?

A fit 60-something or mid 80s and frail?

Actually a lifetime interest in the house could be great: if she can’t manage independently and her savings are below the threshold she could get a care package of 4 visits a day to help with dressing, meals etc. plus Attendance Allowance to spend on any other help she needs. If a care home was necessary (the majority of old people never go into care homes) the LA would pay if she has no savings / assets.

Neither you not she know how this will pan out. You’ve made your position clear, look for the best solution when the time comes.

Coyoacan · 13/03/2023 16:25

I don't blame for wanting to look your MIL, but your idea of "debts" being a bit of babysitting grandchildren and ignoring the eighteen or so years of your respective childhoods is a bit rich

CanOfPop · 13/03/2023 16:27

@EyesOnThePies Most people have to contribute towards the cost of care visits. That is what AA is used for.

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