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Original poster

MIL and Elder Care Expectations

55 replies

Notdutybound · 13/03/2023 13:51

My DH has tried to have a discussion with MIL many times over the years about what she has in place for her future. She lives with her long-term partner but the house belongs to him. He has his own children who he presumably will leave the property to in the event that he dies first. He won't discuss his plans with us but has indicated that MIL will be ok. I assume there's a clause to say she can remain there until her death, but he won't confirm. MIL won't discuss it with her partner either so has no idea what her future holds.

The real issue for us is that she appears under the impression that she can come and live with us. It's been mentioned by her "jokingly" many times over the years. About a year ago DH sat her down and told her straight that moving in with us in the future is not an option. We thought the issue was resolved. However, we saw her recently and the topic came up again due to another relative's death leaving a bit of a mess behind. She stated that she wouldn't want to stay in her partner's home even if she legally could and that she would "just have to come and live with you". She then refused to engage when DH once again tried to explain why it was not an option.

This has left us feeling pretty bad as obviously, we don't want to have to keep telling her that we won't be having her here. It's absolutely out of the question though. I have no desire for living with MIL, let alone care for her in her dotage. We don't have space, money, or time for it either. We still have young children who will be at home for at least the next 15 years or so. We also both work full time and have no other family around that could help out. My own mother has made it clear that she has no expectations like this from me and frankly, my husband has been an utter arse at times over the years and while he's better now I have no desire to make any sacrifices to care for his mum (and let's be honest it would end up falling to me).

To clarify in case anybody asks we have had no family help over the years as we live miles from family so we are not in any kind of "debt" in that way.

Away, I guess my question is how do we broach this with MIL to make her understand that we are serious? I honestly believe she thinks that if she just waits until the situation arises we will have no choice but to take her in. Without wanting to come across as a completely uncaring bitch I would not agree to do so.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/03/2023 10:27

I certainly would not be taking seriously any claims that she will be fine from her partner.

A huge gamble.

Any solicitor will tell you, that many many people get a huge surprise when wills are read.

Many is the person who will say one thing but leave their estate to someone else entirely.

Would he really want his children waiting years for his home?

Who maintains the property?
Who pays for maintenance?

Generally people who really are serious about providing a home, marry their partner and have things formalised that way, via their estate.

I certainly wouldn't bank on it.

SheilaFentiman · 14/03/2023 10:35

I too wouldn’t bank on it… not even through deliberate actions, just sometimes people assume things that aren’t true (eg what happens if they die intestate)

neitherofthem · 15/03/2023 15:13

SheilaFentiman · 13/03/2023 16:42

It is sadly very common to ignore the problem (refusing to put POA in place, visit care homes etc) until there is a crisis.

You can't force someone to accept a POA over their affairs. And why should it be the OP's (or her DH's) responsibility to visit potential care homes when the relative lives hundreds of miles away?

It is well nigh impossible to get social services or any other official body interested in putting any kind of care plan in place until after a crisis has happened anyway. In which case, it would be the local services to where the MIL lives that need to step in, not ones where the OP lives.

SheilaFentiman · 15/03/2023 15:20

neitherofthem · 15/03/2023 15:13

You can't force someone to accept a POA over their affairs. And why should it be the OP's (or her DH's) responsibility to visit potential care homes when the relative lives hundreds of miles away?

It is well nigh impossible to get social services or any other official body interested in putting any kind of care plan in place until after a crisis has happened anyway. In which case, it would be the local services to where the MIL lives that need to step in, not ones where the OP lives.

Show quote history

Never suggested forcing anything. You can register a POA well ahead of it being needed, but things are difficult if you need it but haven’t got it.

It’s my observation that many elderly people are in denial about planning ahead and only a crisis changes things.

Cherrysoup · 15/03/2023 15:32

Does she have money of her own? My mum recently had an emergency hospital stay which have her a heck of a wake up call. She’s now-thank god-massively downsizing. Odds are, her dp will go before her so he needs a plan.

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