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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just told DH I hate him :-(

70 replies

IThinkImLosingIt · 11/03/2023 19:51

I'm just at the end of my tether. We've been married for six years, have a 3-year-old DD and a baby due in a couple of months. We've been having issues for a couple of years now but nothing I didn't think we could overcome - me feeling like I had to organise everything, that I was the only grown-up, carrying too much of the mental load etc.

For the last few months I feel like DH has massively overreacted to things I say or the expression he says I have on my face. He tells me that I always look angry, which makes him really defensive when I speak to him. The argument just now flared up because DH said his friend was picking him up to go for a curry when DD was in bed in a few minutes time - this is fine, but I looked around the toddler-carnage in the living room and said "don't bring him in!" almost in panic as I'd wouldn't have time to tidy up by the time his friend arrived. I'd have been embarrassed for him to see how untidy the house is. DH said "for god's sake calm down, I wasn't going to bring him in, why do you have to get so angry?"

I genuinely wasn't angry, I was just panicking slightly that DH's friend would see the state of the living room. But of course, this has happened so frequently recently that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy - DH's attitude and telling me to stop being angry makes me angry! He says I have a pissed-off expression on my face all the time, and I'm always cross. Anyway, we both flared up, and I ended up telling him I hate him and walking away to tuck DD in to bed.

He's gone out now, and I'm feeling exhausted by the whole thing. I don't know how to stop sounding angry when I'm actually not, and I'm genuinely not conscious of my facial expression all the time.

What do I do now?!

OP posts:
redbigbananafeet · 11/03/2023 19:53

So he didn't offer to help you tidy up the mess before heading out for his lads night? Just fucked off and left you to tidy up and look after his kids while your 7 months pregnant? And he's made you think this bad atmosphere is your fault? What a prince.

SnarkyBag · 11/03/2023 19:56

Ooh tough one DH is naturally stressy and comes across as angry over minor stresses. You might not feel angry in the moment but is there a chance your tone is a bit exaggerated? I get really bothered by DH’s over exaggerated sighs if something minor like spilling some milk happens or the dishwasher tray gets stuck.

FrenchandSaunders · 11/03/2023 19:57

Did you know he was going out or did he just spring it on you? Sounds weird with little kids/pregnant.

Xrays · 11/03/2023 19:58

Why are you assuming it’s your job to tidy up for his friend potentially coming in? If he’s not bothered by the state of it and it’s his friend then let him crack on. You don’t have to take ownership or the shame for it.

I know that’s only a small part of what’s going on but I think you just need to let go a bit.

frozendaisy · 11/03/2023 19:59

Honestly heavily pregnant, toddler just gone to bed, why do you care what anyone thinks about your toddler mess?

His mate, he can explain.

Try and have a chilled evening go to bed with book, TV whatever forget about mess downstairs. Deal with the rest tomorrow.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2023 20:01

So he just fucks off and leaves you to deal with everything? How lovely for him. He's gaslighting you. Of course you're angry and you have a million good reasons to be.

Hooklander · 11/03/2023 20:02

He's blaming your face for his own failings as a dad and partner? That's crap.

Original poster
IThinkImLosingIt · 11/03/2023 20:04

I honestly don't think I can change my tone of voice though - I think it might be my accent (he's English, I'm not). I can hand on heart guarantee that on so many of the occasions where he's flared up at me being "angry" I genuinely wasn't. To give you another example from last night (and sorry, this is a bit distasteful!) I'd walked past the bathroom as DH was coming out; there was an awful smell so I said "did you open the window?" - he said "FFS why are you always going on at me!" I think he was defensive because he knew the smell was bad and he knew he should have opened the bathroom window, but he hadn't. It became a massive issue. I swear all I meant to do was make sure the bathroom window was open.

I feel like such a harpy, such a nag. But then I think, I'm not, it's him overreacting to everything I say!

OP posts:
Harthacnut · 11/03/2023 20:04

Oh dear. Lots to unscramble.

There is clearly a long back-story, and I think you probably need to have couples counselling if you want this marriage to continue, because it's easy for an unhealthy dynamic to develop and once that juggernaut has started, it's very difficult to set it straight.

In the specific scenario that you mention: why the hell does it matter what your sitting room looks like? My house was an unholy tip for the whole of my children's childhoods (still is now, and I can't use them as an excuse as they are all at university). However, people were always very welcome to join the melée. Why does it matter to you so much? Do you honestly think that anyone will care, never mind judge you?

Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap · 11/03/2023 20:04

It sounds like you'd be right to be angry, from the little bit of info you've posted! Our perception of people when we're already annoyed or angry with them totally changes how you see them compared to if you were in a happy place in the same scenario.

Have you had an honest sit down with him about the issues you are having?

Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap · 11/03/2023 20:07

Just seen your latest update. He's annoyed because you are mothering him, and you are annoyed because you need to be mothering him because he's not acting like a capable adult that he should be.

Original poster
IThinkImLosingIt · 11/03/2023 20:09

To clarify - I did know he was going out tonight, I just didn't know his friend was picking him up and potentially coming inside, I thought he was meeting him there. No issues with him going out at all - I'd been out with friends during the day, we both have a social life and it's fair.

Also, DH is a brilliant dad - absolutely does 50-50 in the house and with DD. When I say I carry too much of the mental load, it's about organising things like building work, holidays, finances, life admin, arranging a babysitter so we can go out together etc. If I left that to DH, our house would be falling apart and we'd never go anywhere or do anything. But housework and childcare aren't issues.

The issue is, I'm at the point where I can't ask him to do something without him acting like I've been really angry with him. He perceives anger and hostility that just isn't there.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 11/03/2023 20:09

You are heavily pregnant and things are getting on your nerves. You need to chill out a bit though. Am sure your husband’s friend wouldn’t have even noticed the toddler toys lying round or passed any remarks on it. As for the toilet example sorry I think that’s quite nasty. No one wants to be told ewwwww you’ve just stunk the house out when they are just coming out of the toilet, that would embarrass me. Just open the window yourself. Sounds like it is your tone more than anything else. Sounds like you snap at him. It’s not fair to tell someone you hate them either, indeed it’s deeply childish.

Xrays · 11/03/2023 20:11

The toilet comment would annoy me too, sorry. No one wants to be told their poo stinks, which is effectively what you’ve done. It’s a bit unkind.

AllOfThemWitches · 11/03/2023 20:12

He needs to grow up and stop criticising your facial expressions

LadyMcLadyface · 11/03/2023 20:13

Think it was shitty of him to go off out with his friend and leaving you 7 months pregnant and having to deal with the mess, esp. if he sprung it on you without prior discussion.

Separately - you mentioned he's English and you're not, is there maybe a cultural/language element to the communication issues? Just wondering because I'm a native English speaker (UK) and my DH is from a country where people tend to communicate much more directly and I find sometimes to me things he says can come across as rude but I know he doesn't mean it that way. Not sure how to explain it exactly but there is a directness to his tone that can sometimes sound confrontational but having spent time in his country and knowing the language I know there's a cultural element to it (but it still does get my back up sometimes).

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/03/2023 20:14

To start with, I want to say your DH is being massively unreasonable. But I do know when I listen to other languages there are times when I think people are angry when they are not- it is tone and expression which is different and I dont always understand. Maybe something like that going on here. However, it sounds like you are in a situation where anything you say is used as an excuse for him to have a go at you. I think couples counselling is the way to go.

Mumsanetta · 11/03/2023 20:21

I would suggest to him that you have couples counselling as you are both clearly struggling to communicate and you are worried about your marriage if you continue as you currently are.

Fwiw i think your DH is saying you look angry to deflect from his own behaviour. I actually find it very controlling - by constantly telling you that you look angry he is trying to make you stop criticising him and making you a much smaller, meeker person who doesn’t challenge his behaviour. The timing of it all also fits the abuse profile as it’s well known that abuse cranks up or first materialises when a woman is pregnant.

dootball · 11/03/2023 20:26

I don't understand why his friend couldn't come in.

Original poster
IThinkImLosingIt · 11/03/2023 20:30

I'm reading and thinking carefully about what you are all saying, thank you.

For those who say I shouldn't have said anything about the bathroom incident, I guarantee you if I'd said nothing but walked around him to open the window myself, he would have accused me of being passive-aggressive. The alternative would have been to wait until he'd gone and then go into the bathroom to open the window without him knowing, I guess, but this feels like I'm tip-toeing around him!

Possibly an accent/cultural thing. I absolutely shouldn't have said I hate him and I hugely regret that. I don't hate him, I hate the situation, I hate that 90% of our arguments are totally silly and unjustified. Also frustration because I don't know if it's possible to consciously change my tone without sounding false, and as for my facial expression, do I make an effort to smile more? That's weird too.

Maybe couples counselling is what we need.

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 11/03/2023 20:33

Oh God OP, you deserve better. It sounds as though you have 2 almost 3 DC!

Xrays · 11/03/2023 20:33

I do get how you feel with the toilet window thing but you have to accept it’s his house too and if he doesn’t see the need to open the window then I’d just accept that and let it go. My dh and I have been together 15 years and I’m sure we both drive each other mad over stuff like this but in the grand scheme of things it’s small stuff, not worth arguing over.

Aftjbtibg · 11/03/2023 20:34

DH and I got into a difficult dynamic where everything led to an argument and counselling really helped with communication and understanding each other better. Also the early years with kids is hard and puts pressure on everyone.

Sighdeeply · 11/03/2023 20:34

2 years of issues and 7 months pregnant. Hmmm

Eyerollcentral · 11/03/2023 20:36

‘The alternative would have been to wait until he'd gone and then go into the bathroom to open the window without him knowing’ this is exactly what I would have done. I might have tutted while I did it but I wouldn’t have been rude to him about it. I mean no one wants to smell someone else’s bowel movement particularly but fgs you are married 6 years. Do you not take on any points about starting the argument this evening about the toys in the living room? I think you do need to back off a bit and maybe he needs to do a bit more. You do sound a bit my way or the highway though