Just told DH I hate him :-(

[IThinkImLosingIt]

I'm just at the end of my tether. We've been married for six years, have a 3-year-old DD and a baby due in a couple of months. We've been having issues for a couple of years now but nothing I didn't think we could overcome - me feeling like I had to organise everything, that I was the only grown-up, carrying too much of the mental load etc.

For the last few months I feel like DH has massively overreacted to things I say or the expression he says I have on my face. He tells me that I always look angry, which makes him really defensive when I speak to him. The argument just now flared up because DH said his friend was picking him up to go for a curry when DD was in bed in a few minutes time - this is fine, but I looked around the toddler-carnage in the living room and said "don't bring him in!" almost in panic as I'd wouldn't have time to tidy up by the time his friend arrived. I'd have been embarrassed for him to see how untidy the house is. DH said "for god's sake calm down, I wasn't going to bring him in, why do you have to get so angry?"

I genuinely wasn't angry, I was just panicking slightly that DH's friend would see the state of the living room. But of course, this has happened so frequently recently that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy - DH's attitude and telling me to stop being angry makes me angry! He says I have a pissed-off expression on my face all the time, and I'm always cross. Anyway, we both flared up, and I ended up telling him I hate him and walking away to tuck DD in to bed.

He's gone out now, and I'm feeling exhausted by the whole thing. I don't know how to stop sounding angry when I'm actually not, and I'm genuinely not conscious of my facial expression all the time.

What do I do now?!

My wife is from China and we had similar issues about ‘tone’ and the way things were phrased in the past ( on both sides). So I can totally get where you are coming from here.

as an example one time I was sick ( a rarity for me ) , it was a really bad stomach pain and when I told my wife she began listing things I did which could have caused it. It genuinely felt that I was being blamed for being ill, which obviously is a bit not nice when you already feel shitty. After I said this she explained that her mum always did the same back in her hometown and she thought it was normal. But she did accept my feelings as being legitimate too .

maybe try talking about communication styles? It might not be necessary to change so much that you sound fake . But also it’s only fair if his feelings on it are taken into consideration.

the mental load thing also needs sorting since it’s obviously building resentment ( which is totally understandable)

That's really interesting, @BoundShark, thank you. I have talked about it a lot with DH (usually when we're making up after one of these silly arguments!) and I always apologise and accept that maybe I sounded angry and he always accepts that he overreacted.

I don't think I feel resentful because of the mental load thing - I've got to a stage of acceptance that I'm the organiser and the planner; he's not going to change so I can't force that. I think I'm more resentful at being made out to be an angry dictator when honestly I'm not. It feels like he WANTS to be angry with me. I've noticed that it usually happens when he's already brooding and quiet. Me saying something to him almost gives him the opportunity to let some anger out. It feels like he's creating arguments - not consciously, but maybe he has resentments of his own. He says not, though.

Counselling it is . . . !

Actually my wife does most of the organising too but I do most of the ‘field work’ on trips etc. like organising directions and packing bags and the like . So if doing most of the mental load works for you that’s great.

I hope the counselling works out well for both of you : )

I dont know- me and my bf are super blunt with each other.

Id have just said « your poo smells! Open the window! » but in a funny way.

maybe it’s a cultural thing?

This 100% this it doesn't really matter what your "tone" of voice was he should realise why you said what you said without being an arse x

Honestly I've been on your husband's side of this and while having a baby/toddler is super stressful it's probably not about you. In my case it was my mother who was always picking at me constantly my whole life so any comment from my partner was viewed through that prism. Even if it wasn't meant as criticism. Run, don't walk to counselling as I promise you if you don't reset the way you engage with it each other your marriage is over. Mine is 😞

I'd say it straight " Geeze, that's a ripe one". I doubt that comes across as angry but it does acknowledge the moment.
Got an air freshener near the loo? The smell dissipates in time window open or not, so it's not a big deal, however, you made it sound as though you were scolding him which is unnecessary.
You sound a bit stressed in general really, todler mess nobody would judge you on even if they saw it, but you jumped in before asking if his friend would be coming in?
These examples are low level things to bicker about and to take it to a level where you tell him you hate him is extreme. He's not a mind reader and may well be perceiving all your heightened emotional states as anger. Maybe explain to him how you are feeling. " I'm worried about the mess he will see if he comes in" - gives zero ambiguity.

I think this is most often a symptom of two parents shattered and stressed, both being sensitive to each other and quick to anger. I don't agree that it's necessarily a control tactic. I would suggest choosing a time when you're both relatively relaxed and having a honest conversation about how the situation is making you feel. Be ready to accept part of the blame (because, no doubt, there's things you could both do differently) and ask that you both try really hard to not attack or blame each other.

If the anger and hostility isn't there then why does he perceive there is? Your post sounds irritable and this is clearly what he's picking up on.

You definitely need to gave a good chat about this evening. Maybe you could suggest one thing each you could do that will make life better for both of you. You might say, a bit more help with the admin and you'll try not to tell him what to do. It'll show you where his heart is in the relationship.

I get where you’re coming from, OP. My DH is the same. Gets aggro, blames me for “starting” it with my supposed tone of voice / face / just being in the same space. Blows up & then says I’m a nag etc... I just want to live in peace. I have to edit myself 90% of the time. 10% that I don’t, this is the result... I have told my DH that I hate him, too.

If my OH asked if I'd opened the window I would be irritated because that is how you speak to kids not your partner , I react badly to being infantilised in fact I've just had tiff with OH because they were annoyed I'd left things out and used their "parent " voice to instruct me to tidy up
I think you need a heartfelt communication session where you say what you need him to do so you can chill out a bit

We've been having issues for a couple of years now.

So why are you pregnant?

As you say you feel like the grown up in the relationship.. He resents any implied criticism and any actual criticism - even your facial expression. He feels unloved and disapproved of by you. Will he go for counselling or can you keep a sweet smile on your face permanently and tell him how wonderful he is all the time?!

You are being gaslit.

The comments about your facial expression, and 'always' having a go at him are designed to shut you up and make you feel you are being an unreasonable hag.

He is telling you he wants no input at all from you about his behaviour.

He wants you to take charge of the household all the same. Organise it all, make his life easy. Never expect him to carry his fair share.

That's not how being an adult works. That's not how being partner and a co parent works.

He's behaving like a sulky teenager who will neither lead nor follow.

This. Why does he think it's okay to comment on what your face looks like? I'm guessing you're from mainland Europe like me - I wouldn't put up with those shitty remarks in my home country. 'Nag' is a word men use to put down women who tell them to do better. Adults are people who can handle being told their shit stinks - open a window or light a match.
Imagine how little the mental load would be if he wasn't living with you!

Maybe if he is getting the vibe that you are angry then you need to rephrase the things you are saying.
Could you open the window please when you are done!
Please could you help tidy up the living room before ' Xxx' arrives, it's a bit messy.

Maybe you unintentionally Oundle like you are barking orders. He also sounds lime he needs to understand your concerns and act before prompted.

Sound

Its a difficult one, I can see it from both sides. For you it's infuriating to feel like you're being criticised for something you can't control, and for him it's infuriating to feel like your partner is constantly angry and miserable. My feeling (and disclaimer, my partner is non British and has a similar tone sometimes, and yes it does irritate me, and yes I realise that's not fair) is that the main issue here is cross cultural communication.

I think you're going to have to meet in the middle. Even if it feels unnatural to you, why don't you spend one week being more 'polite' than usual to him in terms of how you phrase things, using the overly British style of 'would you mind...'? If you can kind of reset the ground in that sense, you might take some tension out of the situation.

And on his side, does he know your culture, does he speak your language? Could you recommend him to read a book or article about the communication style of your culture? Would be be prepared to study your language? It's obviously very distant, but if you can get to a point where you can have conversations in your first language, he might empathise a bit with how you communicate.

Ps, not in an outing way but I'm curious as to what your language is now!

I think you're probably overfunctioning a little, too, and it would be good to bear in mind that the house belongs to both of you. If his friend comes and sees a mess, that's not a judgement on you, that's a judgement on him! And that's in the unlikely situation the friend cares about the mess or even notices the mess

Presumably you dated before you got married, and perhaps had some non-confrontational married time before the kids. Presumably your face and verbal style were much the same back then, and he liked them enough to marry you. Presumably he wasn't adopting an "attack as the best form of defence" approach to all your communications until shit got real.

Therefore, this is nothing to do with your face or your manner. Actually, it's incredibly rude to criticise someone's facial expressions or tone of voice. It's criticism of who you are, rather than something you've done. He's basically telling you over & over to not be you! Bollocks to that!

So why is he always on the defence? Maybe he (rightly) feels bad about not pulling his weight while you have so much to cope with. Maybe he's finding that being a father isn't what he hoped for, and somehow resents you for his lost freedoms or whatever. Or maybe he's playing an internalised script from his past - did his mother find frequent fault with his father, so he unconsciously expects you to be the same?

It sounds like the pair of you need to pull this apart before it kills the marriage, since you say there is still a lot of good in it. Have the talks. Try counselling, perhaps. But it's not your tone of voice or face!

Out of curiosity, where are you from? Your posts read as if English is your first language.

He is trying to preempt you responding to or interacting with him somehow. it's hard to tell if he's doing it because he genuinely feels got at or if he's trying to shut you up. (The idea that an adult can't cope with being told his poo smells is rather laughable, though).

You should apologise for saying you hate him, but express that it was born of frustration, and try with him to get to the bottom of what's going on. Counselling a very good idea, I think. It, or indeed just the suggestion of it, will probably make things clearer. He won't want to engage if this really is a silencing tactic.

I have the same thing with my Polish husband. I’ve had to work hard to be less sensitive around him. Although he can also be a rude arsehole sometimes language notwithstanding.🙄

Thank you, everyone, I appreciate the responses and different points of view.

I'm not going to say where I'm from as DH's mum and sister are both on mumsnet so, in addition to the other info I've given, I don't want them to wonder if this might be me!

I'm going to apologise to DH and talk to him about counselling. I will also try to be super-conscious of how I speak and look to see if it helps.

Hi OP,
It sounds like an issue of Relational Safety. Here is some great information om the subject, written by a very experienced couples counsellor.

Building safety into your relationship takes work but is hugely worth it.

I think being conscious of how you speak to make sure that you are courteous is fine, but goodness me, it’s really not fair of him to make this about your face. He’s just another man child who doesn’t want to pull his weight in sorting things out and then tries to make it about you. There’s a limit to how much you change your face and voice, it’s part of who you are and as a poster upthread said, presumably he knew your face and voice before you had children.