Just told DH I hate him :-(

[IThinkImLosingIt]

I'm just at the end of my tether. We've been married for six years, have a 3-year-old DD and a baby due in a couple of months. We've been having issues for a couple of years now but nothing I didn't think we could overcome - me feeling like I had to organise everything, that I was the only grown-up, carrying too much of the mental load etc.

For the last few months I feel like DH has massively overreacted to things I say or the expression he says I have on my face. He tells me that I always look angry, which makes him really defensive when I speak to him. The argument just now flared up because DH said his friend was picking him up to go for a curry when DD was in bed in a few minutes time - this is fine, but I looked around the toddler-carnage in the living room and said "don't bring him in!" almost in panic as I'd wouldn't have time to tidy up by the time his friend arrived. I'd have been embarrassed for him to see how untidy the house is. DH said "for god's sake calm down, I wasn't going to bring him in, why do you have to get so angry?"

I genuinely wasn't angry, I was just panicking slightly that DH's friend would see the state of the living room. But of course, this has happened so frequently recently that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy - DH's attitude and telling me to stop being angry makes me angry! He says I have a pissed-off expression on my face all the time, and I'm always cross. Anyway, we both flared up, and I ended up telling him I hate him and walking away to tuck DD in to bed.

He's gone out now, and I'm feeling exhausted by the whole thing. I don't know how to stop sounding angry when I'm actually not, and I'm genuinely not conscious of my facial expression all the time.

What do I do now?!

It sounds like your in a negative cycle in how you speak/react to each other. It's tough but I'd try asking for what you want before it annoys you. So with the window say "would you mind opening the window please" With the room, "do we need to tidy up?" If your reaction is calm and pleasant and he still reacts in anger then it's possible he's deflecting the issues to blame you. It's easier said than done but if you try to get across what you need before it's an issue then the interaction should go better.

It's so awful being in this negative cycle. I was with someone my ex for over 27 years and you can try to fix it but if you're the only one doing the work then it's impossible. I'd also recommend counselling for yourself. I think when you're in the midst of creating a family you loose yourself and what it is you want. I didn't do that. In the end my ex ended up having an affair and my relationship imploded. He very much blamed me for his own unhappiness and said that I constantly argued with him. I was unhappy. I did try to fix the relationship but I was also trying to "make him happy" which is an impossible position to put yourself in.

As an aside I've been on here for a number of years and the snarky relationship maths comments in relation to problems within the relationship and length of pregnancy are just horrible. I mean what the fuck is your problem to post like that? Good for you that that this hasn't happened to you. Maybe offer some constructive support instead of being a keyboard warrior to someone who is asking for the most basic level of help.

Are you from a culture where it’s normal to be very blunt?

I have never told anyone the bathroom smells and wouldn’t dream of saying anything, to me this is extremely rude. Walking around someone to open the window would also be very rude in my world. So I wonder if you’re just being blunt, as is normal and fine to you, and he perceives it as rude or aggressive?

It might be better to have separate counselling, op. Joint counselling is not recommended in abusive relationships.

It sounds like you feel he is angry all the time (brooding etc) and if you say anything there will be friction. Have you told him that you feel he is angry all the time and his underlying resentment sparks conflict? I’m just wondering why your anger and irritation are perceived as the main issue, why it is only for you to apologise?

Yeah you can.
Op, he is accusing you of being angry because he is defensive over his own failings. He should have helped tidy the toys away before he left and he should have thought to open the window after having a shit. It's simple. A way to stop you from bringing anything negative up, it shuts any point you have down. You are thinking about watching what you say in future so it's worked! Tell him to pack it in whenever he does it and DO NOT rise to it. Just smile and ask why he thinks you are angry?
If you want to fix it, go to counseling but these behaviours can rarely be unlearned so really its up to you if you think you can tolerate it.

This has blown my mind 😂

Aw mate - re "will try to be super-conscious of how I speak and look" - do you think he puts in the same amount of effort? It feels like it's all on you - you need to be able to be yourself, and it's okay to be culturally yourself, too.

@IThinkImLosingIt some people are naturally defensive and it makes it impossible to communicate with them. It sounds like your partner is one of those people. He doesn't answer a question with an answer but a defence, essentially goading you into an argument. What is his relationship like with his parents and what are they like generally?

He is gaslighting you - he is training you never to challenge him.

But his poo really stank. She only asked him to open a window.

the problem is that her husband is not being curteous or following bathroom etiquette , the problem is NOT OPs reaction to it
when you do a poo in the bathroom , you make sure you flush , make sure the toilet bowl is clean , air out the bathroom or spray some air freshener
if you don’t do these things and someone complains about it , they have every right to

my ex used to actually leave poo inside the toilet and he had the nerve to sulk that I was asking him to flush and clean the bowl , he would either sulk or get angry that I was nagging
I wouldn’t have to “nag” if he would just do what he was meant to do and clean up after himself

what OPs husband is doing is deflecting , instead of addressing his bathroom hygiene , he is making this all about OPs reaction, she shouldn’t have to ask him to air out the bathroom, he is not a child
And if he knows his wife like a aired out bathroom he should make sure accommodates her, because I’m sure OP makes sure she keeps the house clean and accommodates him everyday

I hate him too - he's an arsehole.

My ex used to tell me I was aggressive which is actually the opposite of me. Almost as though he would say it to annoy me in the end. I think it was a reflection of him more than me. Maybe this is the same with your husband.