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Original poster

6 years and no sex what now?

61 replies

wellthisisakward · 11/03/2023 19:50

I'm more of a lurker than a poster but I have a problem and wanted some advice or thoughts.

I can't talk to anyone IRL

So 6 years ago I had a good sex life with my DH regular fun, enjoyable and then I started getting cramps and pain after any position, went to the GP a who was so rude and basically told me I had a dry vagina and it was peri menopause, this was at 42, and it wasn't a dry issue, it was horrid cramps.

Fast forward 6 months from that first incident and I went back and got a better GP who looked at my entire back story and we started to look at the fact I have endometriosis along with other symptoms I've always know but it hadn't flared until my 40s.

I took penetration and sex off the table it was painful and awful for me, which my DH totally understood.

Fast forward through 6 years and I've had surgery, recovery, hospitalised covid and recovery and now more peri menopause issues and chronic pain and sex is still totally not happening.

We cuddle, we sleep in the same bed, we get on so well, best friends, do so much in our lives but now we have this big secret, this big issue we don't talk about.

But the worse part is I simply don't want to have sex with him again, ever.

The thought of it makes me feel really odd, like it wrong in some way, I haven't seen him naked or his penis for years, I don't even know if he has grey pubes ffs.

It's gone so long now I think it's totally and utterly dead, and he doesn't even talk or ask about it, it's just not a conversation for us.

I do have sexual feelings and can orgasm etc but just don't want to have sex with him.

What the hell do I do? We are late 40s have a massive life ahead of us, we have so many great plans kids are adult and mid teens, we have a great lovely family life.

Do I open the marriage and give him the OK to go elsewhere? Do I have to leave him? Do I get some therapy?

OP posts:
MMadness · 11/03/2023 20:55

I can understand you took penetrative sex off the table.

But all forms of intimacy? How did that discussion go?

There are plenty of ways to remain intimate and you've not explored any?

You need to speak to your husband first and foremost to see how he feels and go from there.

Opentooffers · 11/03/2023 21:06

I get that penetration was painful for a long time, but there's other things you could do - oral, touching etc? And you haven't even seen each other naked in years? That's more than a fear of penetrative sex, that's some abnormal hiding. Perhaps some counselling would help you to get over the feeling of it being wrong. Somehow, along the line you've developed some shame attached to it, which could be deeper than your your endometriosis and track back to childhood experiences.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 11/03/2023 21:21

MMadness · 11/03/2023 20:55

I can understand you took penetrative sex off the table.

But all forms of intimacy? How did that discussion go?

There are plenty of ways to remain intimate and you've not explored any?

You need to speak to your husband first and foremost to see how he feels and go from there.

That just gradually dwindled as well.. I can't pin point years, times or dates.. but the curling up on the sofa, touching and affection is there.

Just zero physical intimacy.

OP posts:
Led9519 · 11/03/2023 21:25

Talk to your dh.
Ask him what he wants to do?
Good luck and if you love him I hope you can find a way to be happy together!

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 11/03/2023 21:33

Get therapy, together and singly. There comes a point after no insurance for ages when the idea of it becomes really odd... But you can recapture it. I've been there and if you're both willing to talk about it and take things forward with the wish to become intimate again it can happen. It's worth a try because it's so easy to forget the extra dimension it gives the relationship which really helps enjoy a long lasting relationship together.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 11/03/2023 21:38

If you want the relationship to work I think you really need to go to therapy and GP.

If its low libido in general then there are options such as HRT (if menopause related), also androgen therapy if suitable.

Also, sometimes if you haven't had sex for a while it just becomes a 'thing' and the best way to want more of it is just to do it and remind your body its good! Obviously thats got to balance with not having sex you don't want, but I know more than a few who haven't had sex for a while due to birth injuries etc that have all said just pushing yourself to do it was best way to get back at it.

Have you tried 'dating' and doing things romantically just the two of you to try bridge the intimacy disconnect? Therapy would help you work through your thoughts around sex. Is it possible you need a kind of reset for how you see your husband? The last few years have been all seeing him as a parent rather than a lover iyswim.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 11/03/2023 21:48

Thank you such kind replies, it's not low libido from my side I've always enjoyed sex and still would, I just can't get my head around that having to be with my husband, I just don't see him in that way at all.

With therapy, there are so many types? Does anyone have pointers what to look for? We've both use NLP in the past.

Would it be marriage councillors? Sex therapy? I'm willing to give this a go and talk to him soon as it's just started bothering me more as we are making some great plans for travel and exploring and I think it's made me realise we have a a great friendship.. and future

OP posts:
lolstevelol · 11/03/2023 21:49

Has his body changed over the 6 years.

Daffodil18 · 11/03/2023 22:00

You have a very supportive husband and sounds like a very good relationship so yes you need to bring the subject up before it’s too late. He might not want to upset you so doesn’t want to bring it up or maybe he doesn’t want sex either and then you are at least on the same page.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 11/03/2023 22:00

lolstevelol · 11/03/2023 21:49

Has his body changed over the 6 years.

Not significantly no, if anything he's still fit and healthy, so no weight gain etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 11/03/2023 22:05

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 11/03/2023 21:38

If you want the relationship to work I think you really need to go to therapy and GP.

If its low libido in general then there are options such as HRT (if menopause related), also androgen therapy if suitable.

Also, sometimes if you haven't had sex for a while it just becomes a 'thing' and the best way to want more of it is just to do it and remind your body its good! Obviously thats got to balance with not having sex you don't want, but I know more than a few who haven't had sex for a while due to birth injuries etc that have all said just pushing yourself to do it was best way to get back at it.

Have you tried 'dating' and doing things romantically just the two of you to try bridge the intimacy disconnect? Therapy would help you work through your thoughts around sex. Is it possible you need a kind of reset for how you see your husband? The last few years have been all seeing him as a parent rather than a lover iyswim.

We do date, we have lots of time together, have a trip booked away, weekends..and spend time together.

That's the thing we get on and enjoy each others company and our life.

If you met us or knew us you'd just totally assume we had a healthy sex life, not even my closest friends know that we have no sex at all. Even if conversations with friends crop up I kind of go along with the jist of the chat and just don't draw attention to anything being wrong.

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 11/03/2023 22:36

I think you’d be surprised by the number of stable married couples in their 40s/50s have little or no sex. Sex isn’t to be all and end all for everyone.

OldFan · 12/03/2023 00:06

We've both use NLP in the past.

NLP is pseudoscience really.

I'dve thought you could maybe start with just couple's counselling? Unless you want to do individual counselling yourself first to learn more about what you're feeling and why, what you want etc.

The thought of it makes me feel really odd, like it wrong in some way

I know you imply it's partly just because you haven't done it with him for ages, but when I had that 'wrong' feeling it was because the bloke had pressured and coerced me in the past. Has there ever been anything like that?

HoleyShit · 12/03/2023 00:34

Do you not talk about it at all? Is he not bothered either?

HoleyShit · 12/03/2023 00:36

Sorry I see you already said he doesn't talk or ask about it. Which is quite strange for a fit healthy man in his forties.

It sounds like you're repulsed by the thought of him sexually, why do you think that is?

Sorry to ask, but do you think he's getting it elsewhere?

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 12/03/2023 09:43

@HoleyShit

We just don't talk about it, Sex isn't mentioned, it's not part of any conversation.

We go to bed cuddle, and fall asleep, we go away for weekends, it's just not on the addenda at all.

Nope he's not getting it elsewhere. I know he used to casually watch porn, and I know that's a part of his life as his internet/phone tabs happened to have a link about 6 months ago, I glanced and saw the link and he said sorry.

He used to be a massive sex pest in our 20s/30s and I had to put a stop to that, but this pain and stage etc was after he calmed that down, we spoke as it was his lack of understanding the pressure he put on me was actually turning me off him.

I don't have any history of abuse, always been confident in my own skin and sexuality, always been able to enjoy sex.

The issue is just feeling like it's been too long to go back? Maybe I feel like if I go back have sex and it's awful, then I'm stuck having sex again?

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 12/03/2023 09:44

@HoleyShit

I know it seems strange, he's just a very sweet guy, super laid back and loving. So I'd never expect him to be angry with this situation.

Frustrated yes!

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 12/03/2023 09:47

OldFan · 12/03/2023 00:06

We've both use NLP in the past.

NLP is pseudoscience really.

I'dve thought you could maybe start with just couple's counselling? Unless you want to do individual counselling yourself first to learn more about what you're feeling and why, what you want etc.

The thought of it makes me feel really odd, like it wrong in some way

I know you imply it's partly just because you haven't done it with him for ages, but when I had that 'wrong' feeling it was because the bloke had pressured and coerced me in the past. Has there ever been anything like that?

Yes he used to be a total pest.. I didn't even know what he was doing was wrong but I did have a pressure from him for sex.

I was 100% happy with our sex life but when kids came he would nag and pester me. I used to refuse, and finally snapped.

But we resolved that prior to my pain starting.

OP posts:
OldFan · 12/03/2023 14:40

Yes he used to be a total pest.. I didn't even know what he was doing was wrong but I did have a pressure from him for sex. I was 100% happy with our sex life but when kids came he would nag and pester me. I used to refuse, and finally snapped. But we resolved that prior to my pain starting.

The 'wrong' feeling could still partly be that part of your body and mind remembers that he was like that. But I had a boyfriend who was like that, then we split up for a few years partly due to it. Then the second time we went out he didn't do it, as he no longer took me for granted.

Summerpetal · 12/03/2023 14:54

What about buying some massage oil
and sex still totally off the table ,you massage each other .
maybe start with feet or something,
so you get used to the touch of him again
it also might help u work out how u feel

Talkingmouse · 12/03/2023 15:15

What about just breaking it down step by step. You cuddle on the sofa still. This is good. Step 1: cuddle on sofa in PJs for a few nights; Step 2: cuddle with bottoms on only for a while; step 3: stroke his cock when cuddling…

DustyLee123 · 12/03/2023 15:23

I got the ick due to various reasons with my DH, and we didn’t have sex for well over a year as I just didn’t want to do it with him. So I decided that I needed to just do it, that if I just got back into doing it, it would all fall back into place. It didn’t. I realised as soon as I started that it’s not for me anymore. He smelt of BO and red wine, and neither of us had a happy ending. It was cringeworthy.
We are now in separate rooms and I wish he’d go away.

adriftabroad · 12/03/2023 16:55

I know the most wonderful person.

Honestly loves married partner of decades.
They are having sex somewhere else. It devastates the person. They will not leave the marriage ever. But they miss sex but also that sex is not good as it will never be emotionally intimate, they will not let it.
Does that matter to you? I believe your DH is having sex with someone else (insignificant to him)
Sex is sex. Marriage is altogether different.

(Not me! Process of divorce! But interested)

OldFan · 12/03/2023 18:43

I believe your DH is having sex with someone else (insignificant to him)

There's no evidence of this. A lot of people's marriages get bed death for various reasons. It doesn't mean either of them is shagging someone else.

It is down to OP's pain issues.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 12/03/2023 23:37

DustyLee123 · 12/03/2023 15:23

I got the ick due to various reasons with my DH, and we didn’t have sex for well over a year as I just didn’t want to do it with him. So I decided that I needed to just do it, that if I just got back into doing it, it would all fall back into place. It didn’t. I realised as soon as I started that it’s not for me anymore. He smelt of BO and red wine, and neither of us had a happy ending. It was cringeworthy.
We are now in separate rooms and I wish he’d go away.

What will you do?

OP posts: