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Original poster

6 years and no sex what now?

61 replies

wellthisisakward · 11/03/2023 19:50

I'm more of a lurker than a poster but I have a problem and wanted some advice or thoughts.

I can't talk to anyone IRL

So 6 years ago I had a good sex life with my DH regular fun, enjoyable and then I started getting cramps and pain after any position, went to the GP a who was so rude and basically told me I had a dry vagina and it was peri menopause, this was at 42, and it wasn't a dry issue, it was horrid cramps.

Fast forward 6 months from that first incident and I went back and got a better GP who looked at my entire back story and we started to look at the fact I have endometriosis along with other symptoms I've always know but it hadn't flared until my 40s.

I took penetration and sex off the table it was painful and awful for me, which my DH totally understood.

Fast forward through 6 years and I've had surgery, recovery, hospitalised covid and recovery and now more peri menopause issues and chronic pain and sex is still totally not happening.

We cuddle, we sleep in the same bed, we get on so well, best friends, do so much in our lives but now we have this big secret, this big issue we don't talk about.

But the worse part is I simply don't want to have sex with him again, ever.

The thought of it makes me feel really odd, like it wrong in some way, I haven't seen him naked or his penis for years, I don't even know if he has grey pubes ffs.

It's gone so long now I think it's totally and utterly dead, and he doesn't even talk or ask about it, it's just not a conversation for us.

I do have sexual feelings and can orgasm etc but just don't want to have sex with him.

What the hell do I do? We are late 40s have a massive life ahead of us, we have so many great plans kids are adult and mid teens, we have a great lovely family life.

Do I open the marriage and give him the OK to go elsewhere? Do I have to leave him? Do I get some therapy?

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 14/03/2023 22:20

Thisistyresome · 14/03/2023 09:54

I’m going to disagree with other here. Rather than rushing in to talking to him and potentially making a mess. Have you considered getting some counselling yourself first? Then having the conversation with him?

You do seem to have turned yourself in to a sibling/friend situation. You may need to work out how to get your mind out of that place. Men’s sex drive drops far more slowly (assuming no medical issues) and in your situation I would not rule out that he is getting it elsewhere. I suppose you should think about if that would bother you if it came out subsequently. There is the alternative that he has a serious medical issue or (highly unlikely) he takes something that is an anaphrodisiac.

As part of that counselling think about if you would be OK with the conversation being that you would amicably divorce and remain close friends who could travel together and still be in each other’s lives while finding new partners (be realistic though, many assume it would be fine but struggle later). If you could handle that it may be an option. I would echo those who say don’t try open marriage etc. if you do you could easily blow things up and find you can’t even manage a amicable end with retained friendship.

That's an interesting take, but would I let him know I'm trying to help and resolve this?

Or simply go and talk? And keep it from him?

It's crossed my mind many times to divorce or offer divorce to let him go and live his life. He shows no signs of wanting too and it seems like a drastic approach when we have lots to look forward too.

He's a nice guy, I wonder if him being so bloody nice about this is half the issue!

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 14/03/2023 22:26

labamba007 · 14/03/2023 05:29

You say he's was a sex pest in your 20s and 30s could it be the fear that if you start having sex again this will return?

I think to a degree, like once we start he won't stop.. but we had addressed the pestering, so hopefully that would be something that could be avoided this time around.

I do take blame for allowing that to happen for a big part of the relationship I didn't set crystal clear boundaries, and thought it was ok to be nagged, it was always done in a jokey way, a light pester and then a nag and then a not so subtle reminder that it's a been a week etc.. gradually turned me right off and I confronted him.

When I told him years back that on occasions I just let him crack on when I didn't want too he was pretty disgusted with his own behaviour.

So fingers crossed he won't slip into that pattern, and now I'm totally aware of how to set that straight.

OP posts:
Mischance · 14/03/2023 22:32

Sometimes it is pure habit. A pattern of behaviour becomes entrenched and it is very hard to break out from this. It takes courage to take the first step.

GBoucher · 15/03/2023 03:34

Given the history, I'd say he's desperate for sex but isn't daring to broach the subject in case he offends you. You need to bring it up yourself and have a conversation. To just continue like this is not healthy. I went though something like this with my husband too a while back. I still don't know why, but I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore. He felt like a brother and the thought of touching him disgusted me. He was very unhappy. He's one of those people who feel loved and validated through physical intimacy (Have you read 'The Five Love Languages'? It's a book about how different people feel love through different aspects of a relationship. It was quite an eye opener for me.), and the lack of sex destroyed him. He told me he felt worthless and rejected. His self esteem was at rock bottom, he was depressed, sad, angry... It took me a while to understand the enormity of the impact not having sex had on him. Initially, I thought, what's the problem? Why can't you just have a wank? If you can't control your sexual urges, you're a beast not human. But after many heart to heart conversations, I came to the realisation that being wanted physically is at the very core of his feeling loved. It wasn't about getting off. I thought I should let him go since sex is so important to him and I can't provide that, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I loved him too much and valued all the other aspects of our relationship too much. I didn't think I would ever find someone like him again. So one day I forced myself to get over my disgust and just do it. At first it was weird because it had been so long since we'd had sex, and it didn't feel right. But then strangely, I found that it was starting to feel ok and actually enjoyable. The more we did it, the better it became. These days, our relationship is great including the sex. I don't know if this is the solution to your problem, but just sharing my experience.

Thisistyresome · 15/03/2023 13:55

wellthisisakward · 14/03/2023 22:20

That's an interesting take, but would I let him know I'm trying to help and resolve this?

Or simply go and talk? And keep it from him?

It's crossed my mind many times to divorce or offer divorce to let him go and live his life. He shows no signs of wanting too and it seems like a drastic approach when we have lots to look forward too.

He's a nice guy, I wonder if him being so bloody nice about this is half the issue!

Show quote history

I wouldn’t suggest hiding anything. More just ensuring that you are clear in your own mind what before opening up the conversation. It sounds like you are not in this position by choice, so perhaps being more deliberate about how to move on from here would be helped by speaking through options with a neutral third party first.

These things always go all over the place when you discuss them but having thought about what you want and the various options may make the process easier.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 15/03/2023 14:12

GBoucher · 15/03/2023 03:34

Given the history, I'd say he's desperate for sex but isn't daring to broach the subject in case he offends you. You need to bring it up yourself and have a conversation. To just continue like this is not healthy. I went though something like this with my husband too a while back. I still don't know why, but I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore. He felt like a brother and the thought of touching him disgusted me. He was very unhappy. He's one of those people who feel loved and validated through physical intimacy (Have you read 'The Five Love Languages'? It's a book about how different people feel love through different aspects of a relationship. It was quite an eye opener for me.), and the lack of sex destroyed him. He told me he felt worthless and rejected. His self esteem was at rock bottom, he was depressed, sad, angry... It took me a while to understand the enormity of the impact not having sex had on him. Initially, I thought, what's the problem? Why can't you just have a wank? If you can't control your sexual urges, you're a beast not human. But after many heart to heart conversations, I came to the realisation that being wanted physically is at the very core of his feeling loved. It wasn't about getting off. I thought I should let him go since sex is so important to him and I can't provide that, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I loved him too much and valued all the other aspects of our relationship too much. I didn't think I would ever find someone like him again. So one day I forced myself to get over my disgust and just do it. At first it was weird because it had been so long since we'd had sex, and it didn't feel right. But then strangely, I found that it was starting to feel ok and actually enjoyable. The more we did it, the better it became. These days, our relationship is great including the sex. I don't know if this is the solution to your problem, but just sharing my experience.

Good I hope you are "future me" writing this.. yes exactly the same love languages I'm all about actions and getting stuff done, he's affectionate and love and cuddles and anything physical.

I'm basically hurting him and I do know that but I feel like I'm protecting me at the same time.

OP posts:
GBoucher · 15/03/2023 14:49

@wellthisisakward yeah, my love language is 'acts of service' 😂 I hope you manage to sort the issue. Good luck!

Naunet · 15/03/2023 20:02

I can almost guarantee you there’s something going on for him around sex at the moment too, I wouldn’t necessarily think this is all down to you. I’m guessing he’s in his 50s now? He may not be able to perform how he used to and has his own issues around that. Talk to him, see if he will open up, then if you both want to work on things, you can discuss the best way forward - maybe joint therapy.

Yamalt · 15/03/2023 20:29

I can't help wondering if the sex-pest years have had a lasting affect on your current no-sex situation. It's only natural that your body and mind would try to 'protect' you from perceived 'danger' (i.e. him) as times goes on.

Trauma affects the mind in lasting ways.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 15/03/2023 23:39

Naunet · 15/03/2023 20:02

I can almost guarantee you there’s something going on for him around sex at the moment too, I wouldn’t necessarily think this is all down to you. I’m guessing he’s in his 50s now? He may not be able to perform how he used to and has his own issues around that. Talk to him, see if he will open up, then if you both want to work on things, you can discuss the best way forward - maybe joint therapy.

Is that a given?

OP posts:
Thisistyresome · 16/03/2023 12:05

wellthisisakward · 15/03/2023 23:39

Is that a given?

Show quote history

It is a given. But that doesn't need to be a terrible thing.

If he has lost all sex drive you are looking at a medical issue. If he still has a drive he could be going elsewhere but it doesn't have to be. He could be bothered by the situation but resigned to it, taking care of himself.

There is any number of outcomes.

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