Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

6 years and no sex what now?

61 replies

wellthisisakward · 11/03/2023 19:50

I'm more of a lurker than a poster but I have a problem and wanted some advice or thoughts.

I can't talk to anyone IRL

So 6 years ago I had a good sex life with my DH regular fun, enjoyable and then I started getting cramps and pain after any position, went to the GP a who was so rude and basically told me I had a dry vagina and it was peri menopause, this was at 42, and it wasn't a dry issue, it was horrid cramps.

Fast forward 6 months from that first incident and I went back and got a better GP who looked at my entire back story and we started to look at the fact I have endometriosis along with other symptoms I've always know but it hadn't flared until my 40s.

I took penetration and sex off the table it was painful and awful for me, which my DH totally understood.

Fast forward through 6 years and I've had surgery, recovery, hospitalised covid and recovery and now more peri menopause issues and chronic pain and sex is still totally not happening.

We cuddle, we sleep in the same bed, we get on so well, best friends, do so much in our lives but now we have this big secret, this big issue we don't talk about.

But the worse part is I simply don't want to have sex with him again, ever.

The thought of it makes me feel really odd, like it wrong in some way, I haven't seen him naked or his penis for years, I don't even know if he has grey pubes ffs.

It's gone so long now I think it's totally and utterly dead, and he doesn't even talk or ask about it, it's just not a conversation for us.

I do have sexual feelings and can orgasm etc but just don't want to have sex with him.

What the hell do I do? We are late 40s have a massive life ahead of us, we have so many great plans kids are adult and mid teens, we have a great lovely family life.

Do I open the marriage and give him the OK to go elsewhere? Do I have to leave him? Do I get some therapy?

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 12/03/2023 23:39

adriftabroad · 12/03/2023 16:55

I know the most wonderful person.

Honestly loves married partner of decades.
They are having sex somewhere else. It devastates the person. They will not leave the marriage ever. But they miss sex but also that sex is not good as it will never be emotionally intimate, they will not let it.
Does that matter to you? I believe your DH is having sex with someone else (insignificant to him)
Sex is sex. Marriage is altogether different.

(Not me! Process of divorce! But interested)

He really isn't but part of me wishes he was with someone else. I'm not sure I'd be overly bothered tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 12/03/2023 23:41

Talkingmouse · 12/03/2023 15:15

What about just breaking it down step by step. You cuddle on the sofa still. This is good. Step 1: cuddle on sofa in PJs for a few nights; Step 2: cuddle with bottoms on only for a while; step 3: stroke his cock when cuddling…

It's step 4 that makes e feel like it's wrong. We can and do the other steps easily, just anything sexual feels totally alien to me.

I keep adding "with him" if it was a random man I think I'd be there.

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 12/03/2023 23:51

Could it be you see him more as a friend so the thought of doing something sexual is a turn off? The thought of sleeping with male friends makes me feel yuck.

NurseCranesRolodex · 13/03/2023 00:08

I was in same position, one day just grabbed him and demanded sex. He was a bit shy, probably thinking he'd accepted it would never happen again. But he loved it. I was massively cringing as had over thought it for years and it really really bothered me. You can change things. Whatever you do, DON'T go open relationship or threesome, it's a disaster.

Isthisexpected · 13/03/2023 00:38

I think you've both allowed the relationship to move into sibling/platonic territory so there's just no way you can imagine seeing him as an erotic partner now. I don't know if there's a way back but have you read any Esther Perel?

DustyLee123 · 13/03/2023 06:25

wellthisisakward · 12/03/2023 23:37

What will you do?

Show quote history

Resentment crept in, and I’ve been staying because I don’t want the massive upset of divorce. It can’t go on, I’ve promised myself I won’t have another Christmas like the last two.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 13/03/2023 12:16

Isthisexpected · 13/03/2023 00:38

I think you've both allowed the relationship to move into sibling/platonic territory so there's just no way you can imagine seeing him as an erotic partner now. I don't know if there's a way back but have you read any Esther Perel?

No I haven't but willing to try anything and read anything to avoid the whole open marriage messy divorcé situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 13/03/2023 12:17

NurseCranesRolodex · 13/03/2023 00:08

I was in same position, one day just grabbed him and demanded sex. He was a bit shy, probably thinking he'd accepted it would never happen again. But he loved it. I was massively cringing as had over thought it for years and it really really bothered me. You can change things. Whatever you do, DON'T go open relationship or threesome, it's a disaster.

And did you carry on from there??

OP posts:
NurseCranesRolodex · 13/03/2023 13:37

wellthisisakward · 13/03/2023 12:17

And did you carry on from there??

Show quote history

Yes, we've been together for a long time. He has since made those kinds of moves. He doesn't realise how much I overthought it, blaming myself and thinking it was over but it wasn't. The first time after years didn't last v long but he was delighted that we'd had sexual contact. I could have continued without it tbh but afterwards I felt a new lease of life too. I hope that happens for you.

thecatsmeows · 13/03/2023 14:18

Myself and my boyfriend of nearly 14 years haven't had sex in about 5 years as he has Peyronie's disease...he's in his early 50s. Penetrative sex is completely out the window due to it, it's far too painful for him. And he's never been keen on giving oral sex...and in my world, if you don't give, you don't get. He's also on a high dose of antidepressants that don't do your libido any favours.

I'm nearly 55 and still premenopausal. My libido has also fallen off a cliff, the idea of sex with anyone just doesn't appeal. The difference to your situation is that we have talked a lot about the situation - and I think both of us are somewhat relieved that we are both on the same page. All I can do is trust that he is telling me the truth about how he feels about it all. I do think that maybe this state of affairs is far more common in people of our age group than is widely reported, because of course admitting you don't have sex with your partner still opens you up to comments like 'it's not a relationship then, just a friendship' or 'you are just roommates'...neither of which is helpful and in fact pretty judgemental.

As difficult as it is, I think you just need to have the conversation with him.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 13/03/2023 15:05

i was hit really hard by vaginal atrophy which made PIV very painful & then impossible for 2 years.

I have since recovered as much as is possible with topical oestrogen but my DH remains terrified of hurting me and I feel really awkward & stressed about it all. Any kind of sexual touching just feels very weird now. However we have talked about it and while we don’t yet have an answer, we are on the same page with our feelings (basically other things in our marriage are very good & while it’s a shame it’s not the end of the world) which atm is the best we can do

smileladiesplease · 13/03/2023 16:08

Have the conversation! He might feel like you in which case that's fine. If no then you need to both deal with it.

I imagine he feels equally fine and doesn't b wants sex with you either or he's massively wanking to porn which is equally fine if you both don't mind

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 13/03/2023 19:20

Thanks this thread has given me the confidence to just talk to him, listen to his side and feelings he's away at the moment and hence I've had time to think.

Maybe he's scared of hurting me, it was awful for me but you know what I actually didn't even consider it would make him scared, just thought he'd want to keep trying so had the conversation and said, this is 100% off the table for me right now.

But the right now ... and more sickness, peri, life and covid have just got in the way and now I find myself here wondering what happened, and what's next.

I do see us in the future, yes he drives me mad but he's a really good bloke, amazing family values and really does do what he can to make sure everyone around him is happy.

So I feel like this extra dimension maybe what's missing, I've also had lots of close family deaths and a few friends with sickness so the "life is too short" has just caught up with me and I don't fancy being sexless!

I'll see how the chat goes and listen to him, maybe he's feeling the exact same and would rather not?

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 13/03/2023 19:22

Theeyeballsinthesky · 13/03/2023 15:05

i was hit really hard by vaginal atrophy which made PIV very painful & then impossible for 2 years.

I have since recovered as much as is possible with topical oestrogen but my DH remains terrified of hurting me and I feel really awkward & stressed about it all. Any kind of sexual touching just feels very weird now. However we have talked about it and while we don’t yet have an answer, we are on the same page with our feelings (basically other things in our marriage are very good & while it’s a shame it’s not the end of the world) which atm is the best we can do

That's it, self conscious and awkward is how I'd describe how I feel.. I don't mind him seeing me getting dressed etc.

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 13/03/2023 19:48

I do not think you are on your own in this. As in, not in the minority.
I really believe that.

Good luck OP, you sound lovely.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 13/03/2023 20:01

adriftabroad · 13/03/2023 19:48

I do not think you are on your own in this. As in, not in the minority.
I really believe that.

Good luck OP, you sound lovely.

Thank you, I really do feel it's a taboo and something that is so difficult to talk about

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 13/03/2023 21:16

Sending 💐OP and lots of luck. Honestly there are so many women in their 50s going through this

Hebehouse · 13/03/2023 21:24

I recently read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, a sex therapist. Unexpectedly interesting and useful, I found. Worth a look? Not too expensive on kindle.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 13/03/2023 21:50

Hebehouse · 13/03/2023 21:24

I recently read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, a sex therapist. Unexpectedly interesting and useful, I found. Worth a look? Not too expensive on kindle.

Thank you, I'll look for that one, I read lots so the more I can read the better.

OP posts:
labamba007 · 14/03/2023 05:29

You say he's was a sex pest in your 20s and 30s could it be the fear that if you start having sex again this will return?

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 05:44

If he was a massive sex pest in his 20s and 30s, he has a high sex drive. And unlike women, men's sex drives don't fluctuate drastically unless there's a medical issue. Obviously it would taper down with age but not going from rampant to nothing for six years. I would be concerned he is getting it elsewhere. How are you so sure he's not?? Have you asked? And if asked, are you sure he would be honest?

TrishM80 · 14/03/2023 09:33

Are you sexually attracted to other men?

Thisistyresome · 14/03/2023 09:54

I’m going to disagree with other here. Rather than rushing in to talking to him and potentially making a mess. Have you considered getting some counselling yourself first? Then having the conversation with him?

You do seem to have turned yourself in to a sibling/friend situation. You may need to work out how to get your mind out of that place. Men’s sex drive drops far more slowly (assuming no medical issues) and in your situation I would not rule out that he is getting it elsewhere. I suppose you should think about if that would bother you if it came out subsequently. There is the alternative that he has a serious medical issue or (highly unlikely) he takes something that is an anaphrodisiac.

As part of that counselling think about if you would be OK with the conversation being that you would amicably divorce and remain close friends who could travel together and still be in each other’s lives while finding new partners (be realistic though, many assume it would be fine but struggle later). If you could handle that it may be an option. I would echo those who say don’t try open marriage etc. if you do you could easily blow things up and find you can’t even manage a amicable end with retained friendship.

Original poster
wellthisisakward · 14/03/2023 22:15

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 05:44

If he was a massive sex pest in his 20s and 30s, he has a high sex drive. And unlike women, men's sex drives don't fluctuate drastically unless there's a medical issue. Obviously it would taper down with age but not going from rampant to nothing for six years. I would be concerned he is getting it elsewhere. How are you so sure he's not?? Have you asked? And if asked, are you sure he would be honest?

Because he works from home and is with me, he's literally the most straight up guy you'll ever meet. Also I'm fairly well versed in what to look for, and zero signs of anything.

He's technically a bit slow and doesn't use his phone other than to read the news, it's impossible to get hold of him other than in person.

I could 99.9% say he's not getting it elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisakward · 14/03/2023 22:16

TrishM80 · 14/03/2023 09:33

Are you sexually attracted to other men?

Yes, I've always liked men and find them attractive, and yes I do look at other men and think they are nice, sexy etc.

Not many to be fair but a few.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread