Dcs don't want

[BlastedPimples]

to see their father.

He is an abusive man. He has screamed abuse at all of us but mostly me for the last ten years. Adulterous too many times but that is nothing to do with the dcs.

He has attacked me physically in front of the dcs where the youngest thought he had killled me. This was after a two hour yelling rant at me that woke up the dcs and scared them.

He recently verbally abused my youngest dc when I was out of the house and then the next day, when I fled with the dcs to a safe house, he took a load of ibuprofen and whisky in an attempt to commit suicide. I don't know how real this was but it has served to deflect attention away from his abuse of me and the dcs.

He is now in a different city. The dcs just don't want to see him at all or speak to him at all. They don't even message him. I keep asking them if they want to but they refuse. I would arrange supervised access for their safety but only if they did want to.

He doesn't understand why they aren't interested and accuses me of weaponising them against him. He minimises his violence and aggression, thinks an apology is sufficient and accuses me of abusing him through emotional detachment throughout our marriage.

He says he's sought psychological help and he's all better now so they should want to see him. The dcs aren't better now though. They have heard these words before and refuse to take them seriously. They are struggling but relieved they no longer tiptoe around this volatile man.

The dcs and I are very honest and discuss what has happened whenever they want to or feel the need. They are all receiving psychological assistance.

So what happens now? They are aged 11, 13, 15 and 17. I hope to be able to keep geographical distance from my stbexh and am seeking to protect the dcs from his rage and manipulation. I don't believe he will change and is prone to rage and verbal abuse whenever he is triggered. But is it better they start again with him?

No. I don't really understand why this is a question? He abused you in front of them, he has abused them.

Be guided by them. They don't want to see him and they are traumatised by his actions.

You don't even believe he's able to refrain from rage or manipulation.

I would completely support them never seeing him again if they don't want to.

They're old enough to say if they don't want to see him.

This is your time to shine op. Be the dm they need and block him in all ways.
Every one of you.

And don't look back.

Because a barrister once told me that even murderers in prison see their children. It's important to see their father.

It's also important that I am not the one stopping them from seeing him. They may not be communicated properly during the divorce.

His suicide attempt means that he is now the victim in many people's eyes and I am the one stoping him seeing his dcs.

I'd be so proud of them for deciding not to see him. That is a very smart choice.

I would tell them I support their decision wholeheartedly and that i only wish I had had their courage and left him sooner.

Do NOT encourage them to see him. He hs an abuser and the less time they spend with him the better.

Of course he will kick off and blame you. But you dint throw them under the bus in the vague hope it might make your life easier. It won't, fYI. He'll just find another stick to beat you with.

Well done for getting out and getting the kids in therapy.

He won't change. He is a bully. Teach your kids that we do not pander to bullies. We avoid them.

We still need financial support from him though too. It's very tricky.

It's really not important to see the man who abuses you simply because you share DNA.

I'm not seeking to make my life easier at all.

I'm seeking to protect my dcs, keep the divorce as straightforward as possible. I just don't know how dirty he can play.

I'm still in a spin.

And child maintenance is not dependent on having access to the children.

Plus your kids are of an age to choose whether or not to see him.

That's what your solicitor is for.
He owes child support irregardless of whether he likes it or not.

Look into what other benefits you are entitled to/part time work or extra work you can do. And see about getting your 15 and 17 year old some part time work too.

They are old enough to decide op. I can't imagine even Cafcass agreeing he is safe to be around them. Claim cms.

They're still his responsibility so of course he should still support them financially. Support your kids in their choices and don't undermine them,

Thank you all.

Thing is you start to doubt yourself after all this trauma and distress.

He is a bully. He has said and done horrible things.

But there are family and friends who think he just needs help and that bridges will be made between him and the dcs. Almost dismissing his behaviour as something that an mentally unwell person would do and that once he's had treatment, all should be fine.

I don't undermine the dcs choices at all.

I check with them regularly what it is they want. I ask them to tell me if they want me to arrange meetings or send birthday cards.

I would never undermine their choices. Two of them even want to change their name to my family name! I was taken aback by this but they are obviously too young to do this without his consent.

I'd distance yourself from people who treat him like the victim op. If they know he abused you and continue to make excuses for him then at best, they are not emotionally healthy people with good boundaries. And they do not have your back. At worst, they are cut from the same cloth as him.

'He abused me. He abused the children. There is no excuse for that'. Anything less than then having YOUR back 100 percent going forwards, get away from them.

Either tell those people your dc may well want to see their df when he treats them with respect or they can go with him and fuck off..

I have dropped those people including stbexh's father, the dcs grandfather.

@Bunnyishotandcross what is CMS?

Child maintenance services. To claim the money off him your dc are entitled to.

This sounds horribly familiar to me. The best thing you can do for your children is to support them in what they want to do, as you are. And also to keep reminding yourself that 1) your ex’s actions and reactions are his choice and 2) no matter how much someone is affected by their own mental health it does not give them the right to mistreat others.

When I left my ex husband he was vile to me, police were involved and during that I said to one of them that I understood why he behaved the way he did because he was struggling with his mental health and was hurting because I had left him. That officer did me the biggest favour that day by pointing out to me that no matter how he was feeling it was not ok to treat me the way he had. The emotional abuse and coercion were inexcusable.

Other people do not have to understand your choices either. I was ‘fortunate’ that most people saw what was happening and did not believe his lies. Some did, and frankly they are not a loss to me.

Your children clearly feel comfortable with you, that is worth so much. Back them in their choices, and continue to remind them that if their choices change you will support them in any way you can.

That barrister can go & fuck himself (it was a man, wasn't it OP?)

Your children witnessed their father beating their mother.
If they don't want to see him, back their decision up.

But there are family and friends who think he just needs help and that bridges will be made between him and the dcs. Almost dismissing his behaviour as something that an mentally unwell person would do and that once he's had treatment, all should be fine.
Stop communicating with these people.
You don't need their opinion. If they like him so much, they can go & live with him, & get beaten up for their trouble.

He doesn't understand why they aren't interested and accuses me of weaponising them against him. He minimises his violence and aggression, thinks an apology is sufficient and accuses me of abusing him through emotional detachment throughout our marriage.
Stop communicating with him too.
How is he even getting sufficient comms access to you to put all this across?
Block him on everything except email, & only check the email once a week, if that.

A judge wouldn't make your children see their dad. (If they were younger then they'd have to) I would support that stance.

Child Maintenance is payable regardless of whether or not he sees the kids. Use the CMS if you worry about him messing with the transfers or you just can't discuss money with him.

Remember that you and the kids know what he's like. The other people didn't live with him so don't know. Many abusive men aren't abusive to people outside their household which means that the trapped spouse isn't believed when they explain that they were abused.

If the kids change their mind then obviously help them but respect their point of view. Encouraging them despite their good reasons will damage your relationship with the kids.

If they were younger they'd have to see their father even if they didn't want to? Even if he's terrified them through verbal abuse? Even if it's recorded by one of them?

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu I'm not in contact. All through our solicitors.

Quite likely - the courts (like that barrister) tend to take the view contact is in the best interests of the children, notwithstanding abuse, sometimes. Disgusting really. But it would most likely be supervised contact.

But as your children are older, their views should be taken into account and evidence of abuse etc will help, should he apply for contact.

If your children speak their boundaries and you push past them, you are teaching your children a VERY unhealthy lesson. Please listen to them and respect their wishes. They’re choosing something healthy for themselves.