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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dcs don't want

68 replies

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 14:58

to see their father.

He is an abusive man. He has screamed abuse at all of us but mostly me for the last ten years. Adulterous too many times but that is nothing to do with the dcs.

He has attacked me physically in front of the dcs where the youngest thought he had killled me. This was after a two hour yelling rant at me that woke up the dcs and scared them.

He recently verbally abused my youngest dc when I was out of the house and then the next day, when I fled with the dcs to a safe house, he took a load of ibuprofen and whisky in an attempt to commit suicide. I don't know how real this was but it has served to deflect attention away from his abuse of me and the dcs.

He is now in a different city. The dcs just don't want to see him at all or speak to him at all. They don't even message him. I keep asking them if they want to but they refuse. I would arrange supervised access for their safety but only if they did want to.

He doesn't understand why they aren't interested and accuses me of weaponising them against him. He minimises his violence and aggression, thinks an apology is sufficient and accuses me of abusing him through emotional detachment throughout our marriage.

He says he's sought psychological help and he's all better now so they should want to see him. The dcs aren't better now though. They have heard these words before and refuse to take them seriously. They are struggling but relieved they no longer tiptoe around this volatile man.

The dcs and I are very honest and discuss what has happened whenever they want to or feel the need. They are all receiving psychological assistance.

So what happens now? They are aged 11, 13, 15 and 17. I hope to be able to keep geographical distance from my stbexh and am seeking to protect the dcs from his rage and manipulation. I don't believe he will change and is prone to rage and verbal abuse whenever he is triggered. But is it better they start again with him?

OP posts:

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 17:57

@barmycatmum where did you read I was pushing past their boundaries?

It is those external to our family unit who are concerning me in terms of pushing contact.

OP posts:

Cloverforever · 11/03/2023 18:22

I check with them regularly what it is they want. I ask them to tell me if they want me to arrange meetings or send birthday cards.

They are old enough to do this without you asking them though. It will probably just make them feel guilty.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 18:26

No. I merely ask them what they would like. Please don't project assumed feelings onto them.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 18:27

And if they wanted to meet it would be supervised only so it is something I would have to organise.

OP posts:

RattlewhenIwalk · 11/03/2023 18:30

Why do you think it's so important? Surely not just because a barrister says so.

If a court hasn't imposed a requirement then don't make them.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 11/03/2023 18:33

I wouldn't lift a finger to help him. Keep doing what you're doing - checking in with them about their wishes and feelings. Don't do anything until a court order says you have to.

category12 · 11/03/2023 18:35

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 11/03/2023 18:33

I wouldn't lift a finger to help him. Keep doing what you're doing - checking in with them about their wishes and feelings. Don't do anything until a court order says you have to.

This.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 18:44

@RattlewhenIwalk I don't think it's so important.

But I do think it's important I make sure they are getting what they want.

OP posts:

Godlovesall26 · 11/03/2023 18:46

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 17:33

If they were younger they'd have to see their father even if they didn't want to? Even if he's terrified them through verbal abuse? Even if it's recorded by one of them?

OP this fact that you were unsure of stands out to me.
Please make sure you are fully aware of your and your children’s rights.
As you mention all of your children are receiving therapy, which is good on you, maybe discussing how to handle these conversations about contact with the therapist (if you haven’t already done so) might help you. It sounds like you’re shouldering a lot.
Are you accessing therapy yourself to ensure you stay strong in the long run ?

Hopefully the divorce will soon be finalized and you will all be able to move on.

Do you have a restraining / no contact order ? Can you look into it for long term ? He can send the CMS via direct debit and no further contact should be needed with you.

And no, mental health issues absolutely do not excuse this type of behavior, he seems quite conscious of what he has done (vs psychotic for instance) and even trying to blame you for it !

Keep him the hell out

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 18:47

@RattlewhenIwalk I won't make them.

Did I say somewhere I would make them? I'm a bit worried my posts have been misconstrued.

OP posts:

AviMav · 11/03/2023 18:51

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 15:08

We still need financial support from him though too. It's very tricky.

I thought it was utter madness that you even commicate with this man at all. He nearly killed you read that again.

Your kids are getting older and YOU will have to make financial adjustments accordingly for yourself!

The kids on the other had will soon be adults and they are old enough to ring their own dad (not surprised they don't want to).

Godlovesall26 · 11/03/2023 18:52

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 18:47

@RattlewhenIwalk I won't make them.

Did I say somewhere I would make them? I'm a bit worried my posts have been misconstrued.

No don’t worry not at all. I think what PP meant is as we don’t know the content of how these conversations actually went, they could be seen as you ‘minimizing’ or forgiving in a way his actions, and by consequence potentially the impact it had on them, if that makes sense ? You’ve done good, it does sound a bit like you need a bit more professional support in place, you mention your idiotic family member’s opinions for instance, they should be kicked out of the picture, but it isn’t clear for instance in your posts if your children have been communicated this for instance ? Idk if this helps

Godlovesall26 · 11/03/2023 18:58

@BlastedPimples How long ago was the separation ?

It seems not that far away ?

You mentioned yourself that after so much abuse, you start to doubt yourself, especially after conflicting opinions, which is understandable after such a long trauma.

I think everyone’s just trying to ensure you’re getting appropriate support💚

Godlovesall26 · 11/03/2023 19:02

Godlovesall26 · 11/03/2023 18:58

@BlastedPimples How long ago was the separation ?

It seems not that far away ?

You mentioned yourself that after so much abuse, you start to doubt yourself, especially after conflicting opinions, which is understandable after such a long trauma.

I think everyone’s just trying to ensure you’re getting appropriate support💚

Hence for example my suggestion of relying on the children’s therapists for conversations about contact. Maybe even have them together.
You’re not alone and shouldn’t be. It’s a shame some idiots have given you dreadful pressure to doubt yourself, just make sure you build a strong foundation with people who absolutely can be trusted.

I hope this doesn’t sound offensive, but from the outside, for instance suggesting a birthday card can come off at first sight as a bit much iyswim ? But we don’t know your full circumstances, just a couple of posts.

Stomacharmeleon · 11/03/2023 19:05

Why are you financially reliant on him?
I would write it off as something you can't organise by yourself and allow your solicitor/ cms to deal with it.
I would prioritise your children and what they are telling you. (I am not saying that you aren't)

category12 · 11/03/2023 19:06

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 18:47

@RattlewhenIwalk I won't make them.

Did I say somewhere I would make them? I'm a bit worried my posts have been misconstrued.

I think it's the way your original post reads a bit, I think the "is it better that they start again with him?" - but it's clear from your updating posts that it isn't your view, but what family members etc have been pushing on you.

Godlovesall26 · 11/03/2023 19:08

category12 · 11/03/2023 19:06

Show quote history

Yes, this is what I was trying to say also (except it’s not my native language and I can’t for the life of me summarise instead of rambling long sentences in English !)

Luna42 · 11/03/2023 19:10

There is no need for you to have to make any arrangements for him to see the children. You've had to flee for your and their safety. Child Maintenance can be applied for through CMS so there is no contact. Your solicitor deals with the divorce, again no contact needed.
If he wants to push to see the children he can apply to the Family Court. If he does that you have a solicitor to represent you ( possibly paid by Legal Aid depending on your finances) and you ask for Fact Finding and Risk Assessment as there has been DV. The children will be asked if they want to see him, through the assessment, and they are old enough to express why they don't. The barrister who said they should see him probably advised this so you don't look like you are keeping the children from their father but a good solicitor/ barrister should be able to argue in court that to have contact with him was not safe. Risk to you and the children would have escalated after you left.No one can promise the Family Court won't order some kind of contact ( if it ever goes to Court) but with children of this age, there's a good chance they will listen.
Does he know where you are now? If he does I hope you have a non molestation order. Post Separation abuse is very common, have you got an IDVA or DV support of some kind? You will still be trying to come to terms with everything that has happened, be very kind to your self and talk to others who have had these experiences. You are an amazing mum, who has done the absolutely best thing in leaving.

Godlovesall26 · 11/03/2023 19:10

@BlastedPimples As for financially reliant, with 4 children depending on the circumstances that’s also understandable, but aren’t you entitled to anything in the divorce ? Clean break ?
Does such a volatile man really hold down a good job ? How much would CMS be ? If he’s unlikely to make a dent, it needs to be explored I think

category12 · 11/03/2023 19:11

Stomacharmeleon · 11/03/2023 19:05

Why are you financially reliant on him?
Probably because abusive men have a habit of controlling the finances and often limiting opportunities for their partners, that the divorce isn't finalised so marital assets won't have been divided, plus OP fled the family home, and that they have 4 children to support?! 🙄

RandomMess · 11/03/2023 19:14

Just leave it, let him take it to court to gain access.

Chances are he'd rather whinge and play victim than take it to court. Guess what, the court would ask the DC what they want and at their ages unlikely to endorse it and if they did it would be at a contact centre.

Take a huge step back and stop even thinking about it. Grey rock him with "The DC tell me they don't want to see you but feel free to take your request to court"

Godlovesall26 · 11/03/2023 19:14

category12 · 11/03/2023 19:11

Show quote history

Yes, OP has 4 minors, and we don’t know if she has any family financial support (and even if, it would take quite a lot of that for 4 kids). If there were to be any divorce settlement or CMS, for now it seems there’s likely nothing

tothelefttotheleft · 11/03/2023 19:24

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 15:07

Because a barrister once told me that even murderers in prison see their children. It's important to see their father.

It's also important that I am not the one stopping them from seeing him. They may not be communicated properly during the divorce.

His suicide attempt means that he is now the victim in many people's eyes and I am the one stoping him seeing his dcs.

Someone with a law degree told me this too.

It was awful advice in mine and my children's case.

PeekAtYou · 11/03/2023 19:35

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 18:47

@RattlewhenIwalk I won't make them.

Did I say somewhere I would make them? I'm a bit worried my posts have been misconstrued.

It sounded like pressure from elsewhere meant that you were confident in your decision to support the kids but it's great that you know it's the right thing to do. Abusive men are often very good at trying to get people to feel sorry for them and it's even worse when others support them.

Fingers crossed that the divorce process is fast. In the mean time stick to practical stuff and don't get into listening to him moan that his kids won't talk to him. That is his fault. You are divorcing so don't have to listen to his pity any more.

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 11/03/2023 20:42

There are assets etc to be divided in the divorce. I'm finding work again. It'll be tight but we will get by. We have to. I'm used to things being tight financially.

And no, I don't respond to any of his texts or emails. He was the one who suggested we stick to emails for records' sake but he texts at least twice a week. I leave them unread.

I'm not the one I worry about. It's the headfuckery with the dcs I mean, they see him for what he is but it's still pretty devastating stuff for them to deal with. Especially since he is claiming to be suffering from PTSD for some reason. He tells them all this stuff in texts. They don't want to block him but they don't respond. I think he's pulled the wool over his psychiatrist's eyes.....

OP posts:

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