Dcs don't want

[BlastedPimples]

to see their father.

He is an abusive man. He has screamed abuse at all of us but mostly me for the last ten years. Adulterous too many times but that is nothing to do with the dcs.

He has attacked me physically in front of the dcs where the youngest thought he had killled me. This was after a two hour yelling rant at me that woke up the dcs and scared them.

He recently verbally abused my youngest dc when I was out of the house and then the next day, when I fled with the dcs to a safe house, he took a load of ibuprofen and whisky in an attempt to commit suicide. I don't know how real this was but it has served to deflect attention away from his abuse of me and the dcs.

He is now in a different city. The dcs just don't want to see him at all or speak to him at all. They don't even message him. I keep asking them if they want to but they refuse. I would arrange supervised access for their safety but only if they did want to.

He doesn't understand why they aren't interested and accuses me of weaponising them against him. He minimises his violence and aggression, thinks an apology is sufficient and accuses me of abusing him through emotional detachment throughout our marriage.

He says he's sought psychological help and he's all better now so they should want to see him. The dcs aren't better now though. They have heard these words before and refuse to take them seriously. They are struggling but relieved they no longer tiptoe around this volatile man.

The dcs and I are very honest and discuss what has happened whenever they want to or feel the need. They are all receiving psychological assistance.

So what happens now? They are aged 11, 13, 15 and 17. I hope to be able to keep geographical distance from my stbexh and am seeking to protect the dcs from his rage and manipulation. I don't believe he will change and is prone to rage and verbal abuse whenever he is triggered. But is it better they start again with him?

@Godlovesall26 you hit the nail right on the head there. He was very controlling financially. He's burned through circa £500k since 2020 - not including his large salary - and when I questioned him about it, he would get very hostile and aggressive.

@PeekAtYou yep. So many people declare he just needs help. The attempted sucked was a masterstroke in grabbing victim status after he'd verbally abused my 11 year old.

I've dropped and blocked various friends and in law family members who have shown him support and not an ounce of concern for my dcs.

Attempted suicide not sucked.

@BlastedPimples Should he really have legal access to all your phones ?

Attempted suicide is a classic one. And extremely offensive to people actually struggling with it.

@BlastedPimples does he really have à diagnosis though ? PTSD I could sort understand some type of compliant psychiatrist diagnosing, but it should be for what he’s put you through. Again, I find if extremely offensive re the people suffering with the actual diagnosis.

He’s not showing any sign of remorse or change. I guess you’ll see during the divorce proceedings medical wise if there is an actual diagnosis, but hopefully it will be irrelevant and your children will still be allowed to choose. I doubt it a little or he would have been telling anyone who would hear.

Do you have an idea of how he blew through the savings ?

And more importantly, is there any family or friends present to support you and your children currently ? How are you coping with day to day life right now ? (please don’t give any potentially revealing details in the slightest, if you feel saying nothing would be better, do so)

@BlastedPimples Psychiatrists do have a duty towards their patients, especially if they’re expressing worrying thoughts. There’s a big leap between that and testimony in court that their client would be safe with their children though, that’s an enormous responsibility that could erase their licence for life in a split second.

You need to evaluate seriously who is undeniably and throughout it all ‘on your side’.

Im sorry I can’t help with this because I’m not British, albeit from a very close European country, and distant experience in similar situations (I work with children in care, obviously not the same, and I’m very junior, but I’ll get a summary of what happened in court), but I would never hasard wrong advice for how it is here

Stay strong 💚

No. He has no diagnosis as far as I know. A couple of weeks ago he was talking about blood clots on his brain to his sister. Who knows what cobblers is next. We don't trust a word he says. Which is hard for the dcs.

Could you triage his messages for the DC? Absolutely not good for you, but it might save them the burden of his emotional abuse. You could read them and give them a summary then they could decide to read or not. I’m sure plenty of people would say it’s intrusive/violating his privacy etc but sending emotionally abusive messages to your children is unforgivable and not worthy of a shred of respect. Act like a complete twat and be treated like one 🤷🏻‍♀️

@category12 what I meant by that is...
Would you really hedge your bets or rely on someone financially when they have been violent, unreliable and have a mental health problem. I would only do things on a legal footing not 'rely' on him in that sense as he has already proved to be anything but reliable.
Lots of 'reliables' but you get the point.

@BlastedPimples I am really not having a go. Just that if burnt through half a million two years plus ago was that not a huge warning that he might be unstable?
My dad threatened suicide multiple times, faked a heart attack, did some really unpleasant but would be identifying things whilst I (and my siblings) were growing up.
My mum used to make excuses for him. Including poor mental health (which is undoubtedly true) but later in life we feel she almost colluded with him.
It has caused a huge amount of damage.

I haven't colluded with him. I think our situation is very different to yours, @Stomacharmeleon

I have been trying to find my way out. The disappearance of the money wasn't instantaneous and obvious right away.

My solicitor is intent on finding out where all the money where all the money went.

The divorce will see the setting of financial arrangements.

Is it?
My mum was a decent person but would be lent on... 'he is unwell' 'they are his children too' etc
If you are aware he is emotionally blackmailing them and abusing them why keep putting them through it?
You literally have no court order so just say no.
Anyway this wasn't an exercise in 'I am right and you are wrong' I imagine you are going through enough.
I really hope it goes well.

I'm not in the U.K. so a court order isn't possible in this respect. He is in the U.K. My lawyer here says that if the kids say no to visits then he can't see them. If the kids say yes, then I can arrange supervised visits via a judge's order here, where we are.

I have said to them they can block him on their phones if they want. Two of them have. Two of them haven't.

I'm not going to force them to block him. I'm not going to make them see him at all. I'm not going to make them do anything they don't want to do. Why would I do that?

I'm certainly not making excuses for him. He's vile.

God. He's just sent me an email asking when he can see the dcs and cc'd his girlfriend in the email. I've no idea why.

I mean, if I hadn't had my heart shattered by him already 8 years ago then this would really hurt. What has it got to do with her? She could be any one. She's an irrelevance.

The dcs are going about their business, rebuilding through safe routine.

Maybe she's encouraging him to see the children, in the misguided belief that he's a good father being kept from his children, and he's included her in the email to prove he is trying? Or indeed it could be that it's intended to hurt or make you jealous.

Personally I'd ignore the fuck out of the email.

If this is correct: My lawyer here says that if the kids say no to visits then he can't see them. If the kids say yes, then I can arrange supervised visits via a judge's order here, where we are, then your best bet is simply to leave it alone.

Yes. I have ignored the email. He gets nothing from me.

I am sure he cc'd her to try and hurt my feelings and to provoke a response that would illustrate to her how bonkers I am and how he's suffered during our marriage. That his narrative he's spinning.

Is she a new GF?

He’ll be playing the doting dad with the crazy unfair ex wife to impress her.

My ex did that umpteen times over the years. Dropped our girls like hot potatoes each time the relationship ended. It’s very very common

Well I don't know how new she is. I do know he's described her as "sex mad" to his brother-in-law which made me chuckle.

I do know he started seeing her during our marriage probably in 2022.

He assaulted me in 2022 and is facing prosecution.

He's always been especially vile to me when he's shagging someone else.