Feel like I've gone mad

[Frith2013]

I have a history of dubious relationships including the marriage from hell. I had been single for 10 years and thought I had made a better choice this time.

I met someone in autumn last year and we have been going out for about 3 months. He is intelligent, witty and funny, appears caring (asks plenty of questions, remembers what I say, does thoughtful things) and sometimes shows a lot of insight.

I have been feeling more cautious as time goes on and I just made a list of traits and actions that keep appearing. I'm going to list it here as I have no family or friends to lean on. I feel a bit sick.

How does this look to other people?

Manipulative
Game playing - writes or says something, sees I disagree then does a 180 degree turn
Never texts first
Leaves my messages unread for hours/a day
Makes promises that are never delivered or mentioned again
Refuses to make arrangements re meeting up or, if I make arrangements, changes his mind, sometimes literally at the last minute as I am walking to my car
Was desperate to visit my house (awkward because of my adult children coming and going). Visited but now says he will not visit again.
Reluctant to meet my adult children or anyone else that I know
Never accepts responsibility
Asks constantly if other people know we are a couple (he seems to want this) but also is obsessed if other people know we have had sex (?)
Creates controversy or argument in late night texts then says "sleep well"

Has never had a meal with me or stayed at my house overnight
When we go out, he answers phone calls, scrolls Instagram and watches the football on his phone
Occasionally tries to convert me to Christianity
Asked me to go to church with him but not to acknowledge him while I am there

Questions my spending
Told me to look harder for more work
Told me not to leave my son at home alone so much (he is an adult)
Constantly asks if I am alone or who I have gone to events with
One racist comment
Slightly homophobic views but he knows not to mention them to me again

Sex is poor
Says he has a high sex drive but I see no evidence of this
Asks for anal sex and photos of me, despite my constant refusal
Not enough sex. I have neve been in a relationship with so little.
Talks about porn but then denies ever watching
Withholds sex and affection to try and get his own way
Doesn't listen if I try and give advice about sex (it is that poor!)
Thinks his technique is great
He thinks viagra will improve sex because somehow 45 minutes of random thrusting will be better than 5 minutes
Asks weird questions about how I lost my virginity

Is adamant that I should never masturbate. Texts to ask if I have or not (obviously, I keep doing it!)
Occasional personal comments about my looks, being hairy (I have black hair) and being fat
He thinks that my doing pleasurable things to him will make me have an orgasm (?)

Uses photos of another company and passes them off as his own, online
Cocksure about his intelligence and work abilities

Is he some bizarre social experiment?!

Echo every thing said already

I'd consider, seriously consider, having a chat with his vicar and highlighting your concerns
He may well target someone more vulnerable next time

What a wankpuffin

How does this look to other people?

It's one heck of a long list.

Like a lot of Christian churchgoers I've come across in life, showing very unchristian behaviour in real life.
It's clear he wasn't bothered about you from the start.
Don't make a man a friend or family substitute. You need your own life going on to you show you what's wrong and give you the self esteem to not put up with shite.
You are seeing the flaws as have done a detailed list, but have ignored them all till now as it probably feels normal to you.
I'll pick one that probably seem low level to you, but should be a hard line - if you find yourself making all the plans, stop making any, and if they don't step up, it's a non- starter and you've saved yourself from the rest of the crap.

Wow, this guy should never be inflicted on any woman ever again! Incompetent, arrogant, ignorant, controlling and a hypocrite, he’s not even good for a one night stand!

Well done for getting rid; he sounds delightful and although you obviously feel lonely now it's better than the misery he would surely have brought on you down the line. Can you give yourself a special treat to help you feel better? Or, better still, find a hobby you can take up like an art class or a fun dance group? It will help take the edge off and you might meet new friends x

This one sounds like a loony. Selfish. Manipulative and gaslighting.

Run OP. You can do and deserve better 💐

Thank god he wasn't trying to move in with you, well done on getting rid

And... He's back...

Blocked him on everything until last week. I unblocked him on FB because I wanted to see if he'd moved house (as he planned).

Had to leave it 48 hours until I could block again.

He realised he was unblocked, lots of messages "remembering the good times" (which I remember differently) and 2 photos of his gentleman's area.

We would "have to meet up", which then turned into that we would have to meet up and have sex.

I barely replied.

And then 3 days of silence from him.

His gentleman's area 🤐

To fit all that into three months he was actually nice to you for what, one week?

Why haven't you blocked him?

@MorrisZapp you could read the updates

The update is no better.

you’ve not moved on. Youre back sniffing around him.

have you had any therapy at all related to your early life and what makes this guys penis worth all that god-awful
behaviour?

Yes, about 10 years of therapy in all, thank you.

I realise you've had lots of therapy OP but have you done the Freedom Programme? It is specifically designed to help you to identify these men a mile off and just not get entangled with them. Perhaps that might be more effective for you.

(As I read that back it sound very snippy but I don't mean it to, sorry! I'm still putting the eldest to bed...)

Why do you care whether he moved house?!

and why are you still in contact after 3 days, if you can re block after 2? I’d delete fb whilst you can’t block him, so you don’t see his messages or updates

I’m sorry but you need more. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I’m worried about his vulnerable you sound and that some vile man could seriously harm you. Please re block and get help before another man.

Can we have a list of his qualities (if he has any)? Cause the way you described him sounds like you’re dating a horror show. Why are you with him? There must be a reason, is he good at baking cakes? Is he rich? 🤔

I have done the Freedom Programme and thought that it was utter bollocks.

Lundy Bancroft is a bit over arching but I prefer that.

I wanted to check as his aim is to move 150 miles from here. I wanted to see if he had left yet.

I didn't get to the end. Get rid of him

Block him once and for all

You unblocked him. That was a terrible idea. Did you really need to find out whether he had moved, or did you actually unblock him because you can't resist letting him back in? Based on what you've said about your relationship history, I'm guessing the latter.

More red flags than an albanian football match.

Why do you need to know if he's moved or not? It should not make a jot of difference to you. Block him and move on or have a relationship with him if you want. Stop moaning about him though especially if you have contact with him

Oh please OP, block him with no explanation. He's awful awful awful.

🤣😂🤣 I’m stealing that.