Feel like I've gone mad

[Frith2013]

I have a history of dubious relationships including the marriage from hell. I had been single for 10 years and thought I had made a better choice this time.

I met someone in autumn last year and we have been going out for about 3 months. He is intelligent, witty and funny, appears caring (asks plenty of questions, remembers what I say, does thoughtful things) and sometimes shows a lot of insight.

I have been feeling more cautious as time goes on and I just made a list of traits and actions that keep appearing. I'm going to list it here as I have no family or friends to lean on. I feel a bit sick.

How does this look to other people?

Manipulative
Game playing - writes or says something, sees I disagree then does a 180 degree turn
Never texts first
Leaves my messages unread for hours/a day
Makes promises that are never delivered or mentioned again
Refuses to make arrangements re meeting up or, if I make arrangements, changes his mind, sometimes literally at the last minute as I am walking to my car
Was desperate to visit my house (awkward because of my adult children coming and going). Visited but now says he will not visit again.
Reluctant to meet my adult children or anyone else that I know
Never accepts responsibility
Asks constantly if other people know we are a couple (he seems to want this) but also is obsessed if other people know we have had sex (?)
Creates controversy or argument in late night texts then says "sleep well"

Has never had a meal with me or stayed at my house overnight
When we go out, he answers phone calls, scrolls Instagram and watches the football on his phone
Occasionally tries to convert me to Christianity
Asked me to go to church with him but not to acknowledge him while I am there

Questions my spending
Told me to look harder for more work
Told me not to leave my son at home alone so much (he is an adult)
Constantly asks if I am alone or who I have gone to events with
One racist comment
Slightly homophobic views but he knows not to mention them to me again

Sex is poor
Says he has a high sex drive but I see no evidence of this
Asks for anal sex and photos of me, despite my constant refusal
Not enough sex. I have neve been in a relationship with so little.
Talks about porn but then denies ever watching
Withholds sex and affection to try and get his own way
Doesn't listen if I try and give advice about sex (it is that poor!)
Thinks his technique is great
He thinks viagra will improve sex because somehow 45 minutes of random thrusting will be better than 5 minutes
Asks weird questions about how I lost my virginity

Is adamant that I should never masturbate. Texts to ask if I have or not (obviously, I keep doing it!)
Occasional personal comments about my looks, being hairy (I have black hair) and being fat
He thinks that my doing pleasurable things to him will make me have an orgasm (?)

Uses photos of another company and passes them off as his own, online
Cocksure about his intelligence and work abilities

You've been seeing each other 3 months?

Yeah bin him off!

Well done for ending it. Have you worked with domestic abuse services before? There are some amazing courses they run that can help you build yourself up and to recognize red and green flags better int the future:)

Hi op, just to say he sounds awful and honestly it sounds like you've had such horrible experiences (their fault not yours) that it's maybe skewed your sense of what's right/ normal/ healthy. I was in a horrible relationship for years and honestly the best thing I did was go for counselling so I could separate out what was off and what was his fault rather than mine and unpack that a bit so when I found a new relationship it was much healthier and I was in the right frame of mind for it. I think you just need a bit of confidence boosting and to practice trusting your gut. If you have made a list like that then you know yourself that he's not treating you the way he should be and you're looking to us to confirm what your gut is already telling you. Your gut is solid, it's steering you right and you don't need us to tell you what you already know yourself.

Yes well done OP for ending it. You should
block his number now!

I disagree I think the act of recognising then breaking up with men like this is the most important way to recover from having a 'poor picker'. Dump this one. Then dump the next one who does any of the things on your list.

Recognising those behaviours and then forming your list is an azing start. I bet you 10 years ago wouldn't have noticed half of them or would have brushed them off. You will get better and better at spotting the pricks and better and better at getting rid of them too.

He’s a vile, nasty man. He’s using you to be his personal passive aggressive, abusive, negging, punching bag.

I offer this advice sparingly, but in this instance LTB. It’s the only sensible option. So many red flags and it’s only been 3 months. Dump him, block him, move on. Please.

Crikey that list of awfulness was longer than you've been with him!

Glad you're dumping.

Is his name Andrew Tate? Or Owen Jones?

This is akin to "my boyfriend chopped off my leg and beat me with it, should i possibly raise this" seriously, wtf.

Is adamant that I should never masturbate

That one all by itself would be a ltb from me. What makes him think he has any rights at all over your basic body autonomy.

Ditch him.

Well his bad points 100% overwhelm his good. Stop wasting your time with this loser

I agree. OP doesn’t need to go back to being single as losers are all around and she’s identified this quite early on. I recently started dating someone after being single 10yrs too. Similar amount of time before I’ve said forget it. Due to lack of time really on his part but also some bullshit detector comments that have made me start thinking red flags. I don’t need to go back to single for years, I mean I am not rushing into a relationship but it’s made me realise I would like to be with someone. Plus the sex was amazing and I’d like some more of that with someone else! I didn’t miss sex for 10yrs as had poor or mediocre sex for years but that’s changed and I will miss the sex! Darn it!

Just run for the hills. You are describing a man who is racist, homophobic, controlling, unreliable, selfish, ignorant and very possibly narcissistic/delusional. None of this is the recipe for a happy relationship. He sounds quite creepy and disturbing, surely you would be single than tolerating his very strange outlook on life.

Sorry, didn’t read through before posting- I meant ‘would be happier being single’ not ‘would be single’

Run as fast as you can.

Wow, a whole list of red flags - so much so that Jurgen Klopp from Liverpool FC will be ringing up asking for them back! Have my first LTB.

This

Ugh. Don't give him another minute of your life.

He sounds horrible!!! Don't you deserve better than this!!??

Why do you even need to ask? Three-months in and it's this difficult? Let him go without a backward glance.

You really need to work on your self esteem and try and understand why you keep these horrors in your life.

Op that is a wonderful list, and by that I mean you've recognised and articulated all those things within 3 months.

The real problem would be if you didn't/couldn't; which is the case for many ppl.

Next time I'd probably be getting out sooner though.

this guy is stark raving mad and hiding behind his church whatever it is he worships

This too.

There are always types like this in organised religion. It's a magnet and haven for them.

They desperately need the respectability, and mantel of moral rightness and superiority ..... Because they know in the back of their minds that they're not right. His Christianity is as fake as his pilfered business photos.

Fuck find any way possible to get shot of this weirdo @Frith2013

Make it your New years resolution to change your mindest regarding your raising your self esteem and relantships and what you will find acceptable and not acceptable, what you feel comfortable and not comfortable with,
Another words healthy boundaries,

Also strongly urge you to seek therapies that will address why you attracted to wrong type of men, relationships dynamics too,

reflect on this, but dont dwell

Also don't get sucked into our society attitude that women need to be in a relationship with a man,

It's Bullshit,

Just like other negative stuff such as women need to have extreme Cosmetic surgery practices to stay relevant cause of looking youthfup obsessed society attitudes,

Also see being single woman as adventure to seek explore what's beneficial for you, in all sorts of ways,
As long as its healthy for you, such as learning to pamper yourself treating yourself to Holistic therapies such as hot stone massage, ect
Healthspa membership
As the more you look after yourself the more you to start to regain back your self esteem and to raise your cofindence, so will learn your sense of self worth less likely put up with Arseholes men and relantships,

Fake shining white Knight in armour types who anything but that in reality it's just a fake facade,
Hiding a real Nasty abusive Manipulative piece of work,

Don't see men as a project to work on to fix,

See yourself as a being more a work in progress,
But only in a way thats beneficial for healthy mind body spirit way,
Such as seeking effective good therapies that will support facilitate your healing process,