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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I've gone mad

127 replies

Frith2013 · 10/03/2023 22:39

I have a history of dubious relationships including the marriage from hell. I had been single for 10 years and thought I had made a better choice this time.

I met someone in autumn last year and we have been going out for about 3 months. He is intelligent, witty and funny, appears caring (asks plenty of questions, remembers what I say, does thoughtful things) and sometimes shows a lot of insight.

I have been feeling more cautious as time goes on and I just made a list of traits and actions that keep appearing. I'm going to list it here as I have no family or friends to lean on. I feel a bit sick.

How does this look to other people?

Manipulative
Game playing - writes or says something, sees I disagree then does a 180 degree turn
Never texts first
Leaves my messages unread for hours/a day
Makes promises that are never delivered or mentioned again
Refuses to make arrangements re meeting up or, if I make arrangements, changes his mind, sometimes literally at the last minute as I am walking to my car
Was desperate to visit my house (awkward because of my adult children coming and going). Visited but now says he will not visit again.
Reluctant to meet my adult children or anyone else that I know
Never accepts responsibility
Asks constantly if other people know we are a couple (he seems to want this) but also is obsessed if other people know we have had sex (?)
Creates controversy or argument in late night texts then says "sleep well"

Has never had a meal with me or stayed at my house overnight
When we go out, he answers phone calls, scrolls Instagram and watches the football on his phone
Occasionally tries to convert me to Christianity
Asked me to go to church with him but not to acknowledge him while I am there

Questions my spending
Told me to look harder for more work
Told me not to leave my son at home alone so much (he is an adult)
Constantly asks if I am alone or who I have gone to events with
One racist comment
Slightly homophobic views but he knows not to mention them to me again

Sex is poor
Says he has a high sex drive but I see no evidence of this
Asks for anal sex and photos of me, despite my constant refusal
Not enough sex. I have neve been in a relationship with so little.
Talks about porn but then denies ever watching
Withholds sex and affection to try and get his own way
Doesn't listen if I try and give advice about sex (it is that poor!)
Thinks his technique is great
He thinks viagra will improve sex because somehow 45 minutes of random thrusting will be better than 5 minutes
Asks weird questions about how I lost my virginity

Is adamant that I should never masturbate. Texts to ask if I have or not (obviously, I keep doing it!)
Occasional personal comments about my looks, being hairy (I have black hair) and being fat
He thinks that my doing pleasurable things to him will make me have an orgasm (?)

Uses photos of another company and passes them off as his own, online
Cocksure about his intelligence and work abilities

OP posts:
Original poster
Frith2013 · 10/03/2023 23:14

I have just messaged and said I do not want to see him anymore.

His reply was "OK, whatever you like".

I have a sneaking feeling that he is going to try and make things difficult at my work. I don't think he would contact my sons or anyone else online. I can't think what else he could do to cause a problem.

He has actually been at a church function all evening...

OP posts:
DaftFunkyMusic · 10/03/2023 23:15

Frith2013 · 10/03/2023 23:14

I have just messaged and said I do not want to see him anymore.

His reply was "OK, whatever you like".

I have a sneaking feeling that he is going to try and make things difficult at my work. I don't think he would contact my sons or anyone else online. I can't think what else he could do to cause a problem.

He has actually been at a church function all evening...

What an absolute prick!
Have you got a friend at work you can confide in?

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 23:15

*Told me not to leave my son at home alone so much (he is an adult)

Constantly asks if I am alone or who I have gone to events with*

These make me think he's controlling abd wants you to stay at home with no social life....

*Refuses to make arrangements re meeting up or, if I make arrangements, changes his mind, sometimes literally at the last minute as I am walking to my car

isited but now says he will not visit again.

Reluctant to meet my adult children or anyone else that I know

Asks constantly if other people know we are a couple

Asked me to go to church with him but not to acknowledge him while I am there*

But these make me think that it's not just that .... That it might not just be being a hypocritical "Christian"; but that he might have at least one other lady "friend" who he doesn't want your involvement getting back to.

EvlisPersley · 10/03/2023 23:17

Oh my good god
Block right now and run for the hills
This guy is a freak of the highest order
If you had to ask, perhaps you should consider reaching out for help 🥺… in the meantime, you did the right thing asking here. You must act on what your virtual friends are telling you 💐

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 23:18

Leopardlives · 10/03/2023 23:11

Haha wow, I think you've found one of the worst ones OP, I only wish there was a cash prize for you in it.

He's absolutely stark raving bonkers. I wouldn't touch this one with my worst enemy's nose.

I'm actually curious at to what combination of genetics, parenting, schooling, and other factors could have resulted in this level & variety of sheer cluster fuck dysfunction.

A thesis should be done on this guy.

smashin · 10/03/2023 23:21

he’s too rude/critical of you to be in a relationship with
he’s too bad at sex for you have a casual fling with

there’s no redeeming qualities here

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 23:22

Asks for anal sex

Should have sent him Bible passages about sodomy. .

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 23:23

smashin · 10/03/2023 23:21

he’s too rude/critical of you to be in a relationship with
he’s too bad at sex for you have a casual fling with

there’s no redeeming qualities here

He's too insane to be in a relationship with

he’s too bad at sex for you have a casual fling with.

I adjusted that slightly.

EvlisPersley · 10/03/2023 23:24

What connection does he have with your work?
Don’t overthink it- you’re well rid
Make no mistake, this guy is stark raving mad and hiding behind his church whatever it is he worships 🤷🏼‍♀️🥴

willowtree66 · 10/03/2023 23:25

Fucks sake, what are his good points?

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 23:25

Uses photos of another company and passes them off as his own, online

Oh isn't that stealing or some other sin according to Christian teaching.

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 23:25

willowtree66 · 10/03/2023 23:25

Fucks sake, what are his good points?

He's too crazy to hide his crazyness.

letitkeepgoing · 10/03/2023 23:27

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 22:55

Occasionally tries to convert me to Christianity

He should try to convert himself to Christianity first.

Ha! I was just thinking that too! 😬

squidgybits · 10/03/2023 23:28

get rid A.S.A.P!

scoobydoo1971 · 10/03/2023 23:28

Dangerous, nasty abuser who gives you lousy sex, and is dismissive or critical of you. Apart from run for the hills, stay away from any form of dating until you work on your self esteem. No one should ever tolerate any of the stuff on your list of his faults. Abusers seek out their victims. You have yourself a very sick boyfriend who is not your 'friend' as at all. You allow this to happen because of a lack of a peer or family group to back you up. Seek out your people, make friends and have other strong people to connect with. It helps you stay strong and resist such poor treatment from another human.

FictionalCharacter · 10/03/2023 23:31

That's basically a catalogue of what to avoid in a man.
He sounds much worse than weird and awful, and actually potentially dangerous.
I hope you find a decent, normal man.

Dollycake · 10/03/2023 23:32

Bin him

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 23:32

Is adamant that I should never masturbate. Texts to ask if I have or not (obviously, I keep doing it!)

There is noone on earth who should be telling another person to do this or checking whether they have; but most definitely not a porn soaked literal wanker.

Icanflyhigh · 10/03/2023 23:32

Does he have ANY redeeming features?!

Opaljewel · 10/03/2023 23:35

Wow you need to ask?

Friarclose · 10/03/2023 23:35

Oh lord get out now even reading about him makes me feel sick

TicketBoo23 · 10/03/2023 23:37

Constantly asks if I am alone or who I have gone to events with.

His next step would have been to try to isolate you from the people you are socialising with. He was trying to stop you from socislising at all with the "you should stay at home with you son" directive.

(He's also possibly paranoid you're re going to find out if he has someone else on the scene through who you're with . .. which I have to wonder if he has, from.lots of points in your list).

piedbeauty · 10/03/2023 23:41

Oh, op. One of those things should be enough for you to dump him.

Have you considered having counselling?

HalliwellManor · 10/03/2023 23:46

You see them hills over there OP...
Run as fast as your legs will carry you!
He sounds bloody horrific!

Novatherova · 10/03/2023 23:48

You mentioned 10% of what you'd seen in your marriage and childhood which gives the impression that you haven't had a good life.

Why do you think you don't deserve happiness?

Please get rid and enjoy the rest of your life.

You said you don't have any family. You have children. Its never too late to make friends.

Honestly life is too short to deal with this rubbish. No one is ever worth it to make you doubt your own sanity.