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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband quit job and now burning through our savings

54 replies

Cherry85 · 10/03/2023 21:57

My husband quit his job last year after a health scare and to focus on looking after his ill parent.the agreement was he would take three months off max to focus on his health and spend time with his dad....he is still off 6 months later, heavier and unhealthily than ever and spends all day on tik tok.

Last year his dad gave us a very considerable amount of money as a wedding gift.....I have just found out over 80% of it is gone already (it should have only been around 10% on our bills etc that he was covering). I am starting to really panic about money, we have a DS and I work part time.... but I'm starting g to wonder at what point you step in and protect yourself.

Our relationship has gone down the pan due to his depression but I keep hoping he will snap out of it soon..... but I am worried about the state we will be in financially by then.

I don't even know what I'd be entitled to financially as only been married a year.

I guess I feel if he had been focusing on getting healthier and actually committed to the things he was planning to do to help himself then the finances would be manageable - but at the moment there is very little signal of any effort.

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 10/03/2023 21:59

Where has the money gone? Is he gambling online?

billy1966 · 10/03/2023 22:01

Take any money you can and put it into your account, for your child.

Start protecting yourself before it is too late.

VivaVivaa · 10/03/2023 22:05

If the money was a wedding gift, ie to both of you, how have you only just found out that it’s nearly all gone? Has your DH been keeping it separate from you? I’m not sure I could live with that to be honest. What has he been spending it on? We must be talking thousands of pounds of 10% equates to 6 months worth of bills?

Original poster
Cherry85 · 10/03/2023 22:06

I don't think so. Just living outwith his means... I've just toted up what I can think of that we have spent and can maybe account for £35k out of £75k so had expected there to be about £35k left....there is less than 10

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 10/03/2023 22:07

Time to go. Put yourself and your child first. Don't let him drag you down any further.

Original poster
Cherry85 · 10/03/2023 22:08

Yeah it went into his bank account rather than our joint account and as it was from his dad I felt uncomfortable making a thing out of putting it in our joint account as felt it would look like I was money grabbing

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 22:09

Our relationship has gone down the pan due to his depression but I keep hoping he will snap out of it soon

If he’s got depression he isn’t going to ‘snap out of it’ is he, it’s an illness. Time to face facts and protect yourself OP

VivaVivaa · 10/03/2023 22:11

So he’s spent 25K of a joint gift to the two of you in less than 6 months without telling you? OP that is shocking behaviour on his behalf and a total betrayal. That amount of money could have given your family so much financial stability and is a sum most people could only dream of. His behaviour is supremely selfish, I’m not sure how you set about even contemplating forgiveness to be honest?

Northernsouloldies · 10/03/2023 22:11

I know I'm stating the obvious but 65G is a lot of money to through in six months.

VivaVivaa · 10/03/2023 22:12

Cherry85 · 10/03/2023 22:08

Yeah it went into his bank account rather than our joint account and as it was from his dad I felt uncomfortable making a thing out of putting it in our joint account as felt it would look like I was money grabbing

You are a married couple and it was a joint wedding gift! Your communication sounds absolutely none existent if you were worried questioning how to use such a life changing sum would seem ‘grabby’!

BT11 · 10/03/2023 22:14

Oh no OP sounds really tough 😣

Have you spoken to him about this?

PolkaDotMankini · 10/03/2023 22:15

My advice is to ring fence whatever money and assets you have and leave with your DS. I've been there: it's easier to know that what money you have isn't a lot than to be constantly in the dark on finances.

Moser85 · 11/03/2023 01:53

Coffeellama · 10/03/2023 22:09

Our relationship has gone down the pan due to his depression but I keep hoping he will snap out of it soon

If he’s got depression he isn’t going to ‘snap out of it’ is he, it’s an illness. Time to face facts and protect yourself OP

People often can and do recover from depression with some time and rest.

Obviously you can't just click you fingers and snap out of it but many do take the wait and hope approach and they or their loved ones do recover.

Dartmoorcheffy · 11/03/2023 01:58

How old is. I honestly think tik tok should be got rid of.its of no use to anyone.

Codlingmoths · 11/03/2023 02:11

You protect yourself NOW. Transfer everything joint he can access out into your own bank accounts. That money his dad gave BOTH OF YOU will all be gone 10 seconds later, he’s spending 1000s on something

Geppili · 11/03/2023 02:17

Does he smoke/drink?

frozendaisy · 11/03/2023 02:21

So what is his explanation for the additional £5k a month spend?

frozendaisy · 11/03/2023 02:23

He must be paying for something expensive online. Is he getting fat thinking he is some porn god? That would be my opening gambit.

Geppili · 11/03/2023 02:36

Cocaine, gambling, cam girls?

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/03/2023 02:39

Thats 10k net per month!!! Which is a shocking amount.
We live a good / generous lifestyle, have a large mortgage and spend literally half of that.
Agree you need to look at your options and protect yourself now

mrsbyers · 11/03/2023 02:46

Download a list of transactions on the account covering the last six months and reconcile the expected spend and the mystery and see where it is going ?

JRFP · 11/03/2023 03:12

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, especially so early on in your marriage. Marriage is hard and the fact you’re already in the ‘sickness and health’ clause can be quite a shock. My advice isn’t to leave like others say, you clearly need to talk about how you’re feeling, how he’s feeling, the plan ahead and the issue with the money. That’s going to be very difficult and unlikely to be tackled in one conversation but you need to start now and it may take some months to gain progress. Your experience is clearly a shock, money and health change across life, and your future can be brighter than it is now. Good luck x

DocCee · 11/03/2023 03:20

He is still off 6 months later, heavier and unhealthily than ever and spends all day on tik tok.

What on earth is he playing at!? On Tik Tok all day… How old is this ‘man’?
I’d be demanding to know where the heck that money has gone.

RememberNancyDrew · 11/03/2023 03:53

Did he marry you so he could quit his job?

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 11/03/2023 04:00

Where has all that money gone? What a waste. Did you not consider paying off mortgage?

OP I couldn’t be with someone who frittered money away like that. Act now to protect what’s left. It was a joint gift.