Want a different life than my husband

[LHB82]

Morning all,

Short version - My vision of what a good life looks like is radically different than my husbands. How long do I compromise my dream for? But is it right to split up a family when everyone else is fine - it's only me who wants something different?

Longer version - we live in Vienna, Austria at the moment. It's incredible beautiful and easy to live in many ways, but I'm just not happy. I want to be able to work less, live in a community, be closer (but not to close) to extended family and have some outside space.

I have seen my dream lifestyle in a cohousing project just under two hours away from my parents, but it's my husband's worse nightmare! It's not that I don't love my husband. He is a good person, but I need something different from my life which he isnt up for. My kids are also realtively settled here, but really need me to be less stressed out and have more time with them. I just don't see how that can realistically happen while living where we are.

We have moved so many times I can't count to try and find a place we are both happy but it never works because I'm not following my dreams.

What on earth do I do?

Have you had therapy to find out why you keep moving? Sounds like you're trying to find yourself, not a magical place that will satisfy all your needs. Personally I'd go by what is good for the children in this scenario - how old are they?

Sounds like your not happy with your husband and don't see eye to eye to move multiple times and not be happy where you live at least once. Need to look at the bigger picture and make changes other than moving.

This sounds difficult. Completely agree with @rattlemehearties - if you’ve not worked this out after moving several times then it sounds a bit like you’re both chasing some kind of dream perfect place when really you need to be working on your inner world, appreciating what you have and your relationship with each other. No place is perfect. It’s disruptive to your DCs to keep being uprooted so you and your DH really need to get a grip on this.

We have moved so many times I can't count to try and find a place we are both happy but it never works because I'm not following my dreams. Have any of these previous moves been to places nearer your family and with outdoor space? If not why not? If yes why did you move from there?

Could it be (and this is just a suggestion) that the issue isn't where you're living, it's how you feel about yourself? Ultimately, if you're not happy with yourself then moving around isn't going to solve anything because wherever you move to - there you are.

If you’re stressed and don’t have enough time with your kids is it not your job that’s the problem more than where you live? How will moving again mean that you have the lifestyle that you desire? What would you do for work if you moved? How far away is the place you want to move?

Good advice and exactly where my mind went to.

OP - I'm not sure a house move will solve your problems, you've moved lots of times before and are still unsatisfied with life. I think you need to take a deeper look at why this is and as mentioned, try to 'find yourself '. It sounds like you're a little lost at the moment and I can guarantee that the solution to that isn't uprooting your family to meet what you think your need is, that's simply not fair on them all.

You need to get it sorted before you have adult children with established roots in Austria. Maybe you need to leave? Don't be scared of going. Be more scared of pretending you can accept it. Resentment is a very destructive feeling.

Your need for change is a personal quest to find yourself imo. I have a similar issue and I’m about to move with my family to a quieter life. I have held off my dreams for years as my kids were settled and I would advise you think carefully about them in this scenario. Too much change will stop them fulfilling their own need for education and “roots” , making them change friends and fail to build long lasting friendships.

imo, living close to family sounds great in theory but is not in practice, im actively moving away from mine!

What about a community or co-housing project appeals so much to you? Surely there is a compromise between rural and urban, and in terms of work life balance, but community living is a big step and understandably not one for everyone.

I'm not sure the route to you being less stressed and available for your kids is moving into a community? How old are the kids - you say they are settled - is that settled and working locally or is that settled and still in school? Because depending on their ages, especially if still young or teenagers, then moving into a community is also something they probably have an opinion on!

Can you try out the co-housing project on your own for a bit to see if it really is all you hope it might be? If it is, and your husband is adamant it isn't for him, you will need to think about the future of your relationship. If it turns out not to be what you hoped for, well at least you'll know and you've minimised the disruption to the family.

You've not said how old your kids are which is a significant factor. They might want more quality time with you, but they might not, especially when they're older, want the type of lifestyle you are yearning for.

Is your husband always choosing where you move to because of his job?

It all sounds a bit extreme OP.

I never understand the stories of people who start 'new lives in the wild':

"I was so stressed working 90 hour weeks as a headteacher of a large secondary school, so I quit my job and we now live in a tent on the Outer Hebrides". I always think, surely there's a middle ground 🤔

Could you stay where you are but take a less stressful job? A more meaningful job? Could you create more community around you by making more friends or volunteering or helping at your kids' schools? Could you move to a smaller, more affordable house? Could you start an allotment?

Pursuing your pipedream sounds like a flimsy reason to break up a family.

My reading of the numerous house moves is that they have all been compromises to try and give OP some of what she wants, given her OH has his own very different set of needs. None of them has worked and she now wants to go for it 100%.

How old are your kids?

Maybe rent somewhere for a couple of months in your desired location and see if you do like it?
I moved around a lot for financial reasons, the call of home was strong so off I went.

I wouldn't write OP off as flawed.

That’s how I read it too.

This is what it sounded like to me too.

I don’t think the info in the OP I don’t think one can jump to the conclusion that OP has serious psychological issues she needs therapy to address.

A underlying sense of unfulfillment or unhappiness based on living a compromise life once one has a partner/ kids is surely not uncommon! Especially for women who often do the compromising, and often seem to end up living where the husband wants.

OP is just unusual in having quite a specific living arrangement she craves, and actually seriously comsidering whether to insist on prioritizing what she wants out of life. I don’t think that should be seen as a woman needing therapy.

I picked up on the "different lifestyle " and "work less"

Just moving doesn't mean you can work less

• what's going on there ? Is your husband wanting to wean more to retire ? So you actually want to be. A SAHM?

If the grass is always greener, tend to your grass.

OP, you admit that your 'dream lifestyle' is your DH's worst nightmare. How is making you dreamily happy and him desperately miserable going to fix things?

TBH, if your visions of a good life are so very different I recommend you consider splitting up. Then you can move to your dream location and he can continue to live in the city where, presumably, he has a job that pays the bills.

All good questions that I think the OP needs to spend time thinking about.

There is no perfect place to live. You have to decide to be happy with where you are/what you have, not move frequently looking to be made happy.
If all the moves have been made due to your Dh work, this isn't always bad, everyone needs an income. Would you prefer a low or no income just to live somewhere else?
Without adequate income no where is the perfect happy place to be.

Thanks for all the replays. My kids are 9 and 6. So at the moment they do actually want me to be around more and frequently tell me so.

I work freelance so can do this from anywhere within reason, but do have to travel for work quite a bit. Where we would move to is significantly cheaper to live and I would be paying less tax, so I would be able to reduce my hours probably to three days a week with school holidays off. I now basically work full-time with most holidays off.

I'm craving support and a community of people. Takes a village to raise a child and all that. My husband alone can not provide this. Having my parents and aunts closer would be a game changer in terms of support, plus the community in the co-housing.

I have had therapy before. It was really helpful. But Im not sure why I would need it again when I actual know what I want and have known for quite sometime (at least 5 years I would say). I just never follow my dreams. All about compromising for the good of the family. Just feels like it is all about what's right for my kids and my husband. What about me? Oh I forgot, I became invisible as soon as I gave birth.

I actually think the kids would be as happy if not more so if we moved and my husband came, but it is another move which I recognise could be disruptive.

Who prompted the move to Austria? Was it due to your husband or you? What about the previous moves?

It was meant to be the compromise. Quiter than London for me with better access to the countryside. Still a big city with all the art galleries etc for him. Plus good education and healthcare (neither of which have turn out to be that great).

Most of the other moves where financial. Buying a wreck of a house, doing it up, seeling it on etc.

Ok so 6 and 9 yes I see they would need you more, have you spoken to them about it. 9 is really not too far off teenage years so I'd be thinking what would that look like? What are the ages of others in the community - for example, does it work when they are younger, but less so when they are older?

I'm sympathetic to the need for you and your DH to compromise, but sadly I think both parents have to compromise when it comes to kids, and there are certain times when their needs trump either or both parents. I say this as someone who has moved teenagers in the last year and it's been one of the most challenging times we've lived through as a family. We had little choice but its not something to do lightly - hence flagging the need to consider what the move looks like not just now but later.

Then your DH - so your work and career would be OK in that environment, would his? And if it would impact his job, what does that mean to family income?

Obviously you don't need to answer those points here if you don't want, but you do need to consider it.

This. I’d be fed up already if I was her husband