Want a different life than my husband

[LHB82]

Morning all,

Short version - My vision of what a good life looks like is radically different than my husbands. How long do I compromise my dream for? But is it right to split up a family when everyone else is fine - it's only me who wants something different?

Longer version - we live in Vienna, Austria at the moment. It's incredible beautiful and easy to live in many ways, but I'm just not happy. I want to be able to work less, live in a community, be closer (but not to close) to extended family and have some outside space.

I have seen my dream lifestyle in a cohousing project just under two hours away from my parents, but it's my husband's worse nightmare! It's not that I don't love my husband. He is a good person, but I need something different from my life which he isnt up for. My kids are also realtively settled here, but really need me to be less stressed out and have more time with them. I just don't see how that can realistically happen while living where we are.

We have moved so many times I can't count to try and find a place we are both happy but it never works because I'm not following my dreams.

What on earth do I do?

Do you speak German fluently?

You sound a bit like my mum op. Constant house moves to find whatever it was she was looking for and never managing to fill that hole.

The number of house moves was the main talking point in the eulogy at her funeral last year. Made for a funny story, but not so funny when you're a child who has been uprooted constantly from homes and schools. It's left its mark and I struggle to maintain friendships as a result. I've learnt to walk away and never look back. Mum never achieved happiness either. Not great.

OP, say for arguments' sake, you split with your DH, do you know how custody, shared parenting etc would work for you both there? Are there immigration issues for you in staying if your DH decided he'd prefer to return to the UK?

I'm asking because if you can make a complete split give you what you want, can you see any way to create between the two of you an unconventional way of living that keeps the family intact and everyone happy? In short, you live in the co housing and he lives in town but you see each other at weekends etc? Split the to and fro commute? Just a thought.

I'm not sure what this co housing set up looks like but I'd be wanting to try it out before committing to it. It sounds wonderful on paper but there may be downsides that you might struggle to live with? Are you 100% aware of how it works, ups and downs etc?

Does there come a point where your dreams - anyone’s dreams - are not entirely compatible with family life?

If you move, what’s the plan for the children’s schooling, will they move school again? Do they like the idea of moving? What is it your husband wants to prioritise?

I’m not unsympathetic but we all have dreams, and a lot of them just aren’t things we can do while we have children because while you shouldn’t become invisible and drop your own dreams and aspirations, the children do need to come first.

I just never follow my dreams. All about compromising for the good of the family. Just feels like it is all about what's right for my kids and my husband. What about me? Oh I forgot, I became invisible as soon as I gave birth.

There are four people's needs as well as ther dreams to consider as you are now part of a family, and that involves continual compromise from all parties to keep the show on the road.

You have young kids, this bit is about them.

If you're wanting to be closer to family and to become a part of the community, then I say go for it.

If you're going for the adventure, then don't. The enthusiasm won't last and you'll want to move again.

But why Austria? It is a big leap to go form quieter than London to Vienna unless there are other reasons. Have the other moves been in Vienna or all over the place? What part of your team is a nightmare to your husband? Cohousing? Living 2h away from your family? Is there something you can compromise in? Like the cohousing are you looking for a commune with shared kitchens and share dhouses with no locks or more lokea place with shared carpark and trampoline?

It seems you and your Dh want different things. Totally different things.

You had family you have to compromise for the good of the family you created

You follow your dreams when your children are grown and established until then the family is your responsibility

It sounds like you are struggling with having kids and the work that involves

You are already really lucky if you don't need to work holidays

I don't think the community you envisage exists anywhere other than where you make it

If you want more support, it’s probably necessary to return to UK. Surely you will soon need to make plans for the secondary education of your eldest, so this could be a focus. I’ve no idea what a co housing project is ? but it’s fairly common to desire family support when you have children, although (generalising) during teen years the children usually get less interested in gps etc.
You and your DH have to try and work these plans out together if you can. It doesn’t help that you seem to be having to take big jumps all the time, moving to new and strange environments. Could DH rent a flat in a city during week if you and kids live more rural? Obviously not risk free but works for some people. Or maybe you do need to separate, but either way schools and housing for the children is priority.
You need to make proper plans not just dream about where the grass might be greener

It sounds like you are following your husbands ‘dream’ not yours. And you want to me near family. Which isn’t unreasonable when you have children.

But if he doesn’t want it, then he doesn’t. I think the constant moves are because you know what you want but never get it. I suspect if you moved to where you want near your family it would be your last move.

Honestly I always think that if I move home etc I would have more support. But then I go home from time to time and yes people clear time to see us but they have their own lives and when you leave other things move into that space. I imagine there are a fair few expats who’ve returned home expecting people to be So happy that they are back that they just slot back into their lives that they are surprised when people start saying “oh no can’t do that day Tarquin has swimming, nope I have chess club on that day, ah no I play bridge on that day”. Etc etc.

Home is now where my husband is and vice versa. Yes you can be bloody miserable in one place but find another wonderful but you are restless. i think you would get there and decide you don’t like it and want to move again.

Id like to know if the numerous moves in the past were your choice or your DH's? I am assuming they were your choices. Are you really happy with your DH? Looks like you want different things but I might be reading it all wrong. Your kids need you but surely they are getting more and more independent by day. Why do you need your mum and aunt and your DH's support? Why aren't just the 2 of you enough to care for 2 kids? I think you are chasing happiness but you need to be happy within yourself.

As a child of a mother who moved house and towns (and countries a couple of times) practically every year, I moved as far away from her as possible the minute I turned 18 and have lived in my previous home for a decade now. I grew up with no roots, nowhere feels like home, I still feel like I’m constantly waiting for my current home to be pulled out from under me. I have trouble making friends, I have trouble feeling safe and secure. I’ve just moved home for the first time in my youngest child’s life, second time in my two older children’s lives and I’m completely devastated about it. Doesn’t matter that we’ve moved to a larger property and won’t be moving again for the rest of their childhood, that they’re at better schools where there will be less risk of physical harm coming to all of them, I still can’t shake the feeling I’ve done irreparable harm to them - another hang up from my own childhood. It took years for me to agree to the move because I was and still am so scared I’ve fucked up my children’s lives because I know exactly how badly moving repeatedly can fuck you up as a child. Please stop moving them from pillar to post to chase the life you want, it does a lot of harm. When you become a parent you should put your children’s needs first.

I agree sadly.

6 and 9 isn't old but it isn't young either.

For the older child going to secondary school can be so hard when you don't already have primary school friends.

I don't think you should uproot your children again to try an alternative lifestyle which may or may not work out. I don't think it will resolve whatever need you are trying to make by repeatedly moving. If you were keen to move back to a place you know well and have family living, I would say do it, but in this case you are moving to a place you don't know people but like the sound of it, "not too close" to family...

I know working full time is tough. But your children are at school in term time anyway, and I see you already have holidays off, so I think the move would be much more for your benefit than theirs.

I had a very similar experience and it did a huge amount of damage. No roots, no childhood friends, no sense of belonging. Moving schools is traumatic and often leads to bullying. My mother was never happy despite doing this repeatedly to her children. The unhappiness was inside her, projected onto the places we were. She still moves regularly now, I hear (I am NC with her). The house I live in now is the first place I've ever felt at home and I won't be moving during my children's childhood, or probably ever tbh. Think carefully OP. While your children are growing up please prioritise their need for stability over chasing dreams. Especially when you are talking about not just a move here but a complete lifestyle change.

Thanks for the comments. Without being able to fully explain what's happened and the significant compromises I have had to make along the way, I can see why people think I'm selfish and probably need therapy.

What I have taken away is I've made my bed and I need to lie in it. Just need to work out how to do this. Bye.

Ok, so I’m in a very similar situation to you. Expat living in a large European city, 2 kids. Family all on the other side of the world. I’m part of a large community of expats and I’ve been here 10 years so I’ve seen many come and go. Some make a success of it, others don’t.

The only way this is going to work is if you are BOTH happy. I’ve seen many relationships break down over the years. Some things for you to consider:

• you don’t seem to like city life and prefer the country. Could you move to a small house with a garden or next to a large park that is still accessible by metro? Or consider a second home in the countryside, where you own it or find a regular Airbnb you can use?
• you need to actively work to find your community. For some it’s a church, others it’s kids school or hobbies. But you need to work on that and invest time into it. For me, my school (where I work) are my people, my colleagues are some of my best friends. I regularly hang out with them and am very happy in this friendship group. I’m also thinking of joining an orchestra to meet other people and start playing my instrument again.
• you need to make your lifestyle as enjoyable as possible, making the most of the city. Find your favourite cafes, your favourite places to sit and read, your favourite shops… remind yourself why you love Vienna. I love buying 10€ symphony or opera tickets last minute, and treating myself (yes, me alone!) to a performance at one of the incredible concert halls in my city. I couldn’t do that in my home country.
• if your kids are happy and settled, be very careful about disrupting that. The expat life is hard for kids, and you should try and keep them in one place as long as humanly possible.
• don’t waste mental energy pining for a different life. Trust me, I’ve been there. It only breeds resentment and bitterness. The grass is not always greener. I’ve practised ‘bouncing my thoughts’ every time I start getting homesick and dreaming of a non-existant fantasy life in my home country.

but most important of all - if you’re miserable enough to want to leave your family, you need to communicate with your husband. I hope he can listen to you and compromise so that you are happy.

that’s all the wisdom I have. I hope it helps you OP.

Thanks. This is really helpful.

OP, I don’t think posters have said you have made your bed and have to lie in it. Many have tried to suggest how you could move forward. Posters have warned about suddenly uprooting to chase a dream … ensure you work through the realistic practicalities first, and maybe consider compromises which might help it work?
No one is saying you can’t change your situation, just tread carefully that’s sll

+What I have taken away is I've made my bed and I need to lie in it. Just need to work out how to do this. Bye*

l think maybe you’ve made the wrong bed?

I think when you have children, dreams get put on hold.

Just wanted to add, because I didn’t really address this bit: living away from family with no support SUCKS. It really does. Even when people don’t have very involved grandparents, the different is that they know that they always have someone there if there is an emergency or crisis. You just don’t have that when living abroad.

When my kids have been in hospital, or I needed someone to take my DS while I gave birth to my DD, I have no family around to do this and have had to rely on friends or even babysitters. It becomes very suffocating and the feeling of weight on your shoulders is overwhelming.

I would really suggest two things that have helped me:

• putting in the groundwork to find good babysitters. This is really annoying but so so important. You need to be able to know that there is someone you can call to take the kids if necessary. I’ve mostly used students from the local university through a babysitting app, and it’s been ok most of the time. You just need to be prepared to budget for it.

• being comfortable leaving your kids with family for extended periods of time. I assume you’re from the UK and you live in Vienna? How comfortable would you be taking your kids to be with the grandparents for a week in the Uk while you have some time with your DH, or just time to yourself? I’ve started an arrangement with my parents (who can afford to travel) where they come every summer for a month and take the kids for a week while me and DH have some time away. Knowing that we get this week in the summer is what keeps me going though the dark winter nights where it’s yet another evening on the sofa with a movie because we didn’t want to pay for a babysitter

But anyway, I just want to say that I get it and I know how hard it is. I am friends with many expat mums who are in the same boat and it’s one of the hardest parts of living abroad.