Want a different life than my husband

[LHB82]

Morning all,

Short version - My vision of what a good life looks like is radically different than my husbands. How long do I compromise my dream for? But is it right to split up a family when everyone else is fine - it's only me who wants something different?

Longer version - we live in Vienna, Austria at the moment. It's incredible beautiful and easy to live in many ways, but I'm just not happy. I want to be able to work less, live in a community, be closer (but not to close) to extended family and have some outside space.

I have seen my dream lifestyle in a cohousing project just under two hours away from my parents, but it's my husband's worse nightmare! It's not that I don't love my husband. He is a good person, but I need something different from my life which he isnt up for. My kids are also realtively settled here, but really need me to be less stressed out and have more time with them. I just don't see how that can realistically happen while living where we are.

We have moved so many times I can't count to try and find a place we are both happy but it never works because I'm not following my dreams.

What on earth do I do?

This is so true. We were 5000 miles from family and came home for a year. I saw more of my family where we were far away and enjoyed their company better.
That's when I decided to emotionally put everything into where we were and give the kids a great stable home, the best I could and it all became more settled and satisfying for us all.

Same. We moved 9 times in my childhood and it has definitely affected me. My parents still move a lot and I can't help but think they could have saved a lot of upset and hassle, not to say stamp duty, by getting some therapy and making peace with the imperfect.

None of that is to say that you shouldn't move, OP- just think about why you've moved so many times and whether that's actually serving you and your family. It's hard to get any advice as there is obviously some quite big stuff that you are not saying. Suffice to say it sounds like there's a lot more going on here than the house and it sounds like quite a lot of resentment on your side regarding the situation you're in- not possible to say how fair that is as we only have half the picture.

I cannot imagine a planet on which I was naive enough to think a “co-housing project” aka commune would be the answer to my problems. It just means community squabbling on a large scale.

I can understand wanting to be nearer your parents and downsize so that you can work less, but if that was your goal how did you end up in Vienna? Why Vienna and not a smaller town within the UK? Are you lacking “community” because you’re an ex-pat?

One thing about moving near parents - it doesn’t always pan out the way people think - family very often don’t want to be involved in childcare when it comes to it. And as parents get older being near them brings its own challenges and workload.

If you moved nearer your family is the reason you would move 2 hours away because your husband doesn’t want to live near them? When you describe benefitting from their support that is going to be pretty limited with a four hour round trip. You have lived away and your families will have their own lives and routines. If you want to be a part of their lives don’t live 2 hours away. If you do live 2 hours away don’t expect much support.

Your other source of support rang alarm bells for me with help from some sort of communal living. This strikes me as a safeguarding risk. You don’t know these people and are already planning to call on them for help with your children. I expect a paedophile would be pretty interested in communal living and the access to children this would bring. Why would you already be thinking you could trust these people?

I wonder if you actually want to live near your relatives but this is a red line for your husband so you have said you’ll be two hours away which is pretty useless in terms of support unless your family are willing to martyr themselves in order to see you or your kids are keen on road trips.

The great majority of children are mini conservatives who value certainty, routine, the comforts of familiarity, building friendships over long periods of time, having their own little corner of the universe. When I hear parents who have brought their kids hither and yon because of the amazing opportunities, adventures etc it will supposedly offer them, I think they are often kidding themselves. They are doing it because that's the lifestyle THEY want, at least admit it. I also think most younger children naturally cleave to and want to please their parents, it's often only as they get older or become adults that they see that while they may have gained some things, they also lost the roots that are so important to of us, if only to reject them! I really dislike the village I grew up alongside but loved my parents farm and it is an anchor in an uncertain world. And to go home and meet people who have literally known me since I was born is something else. My 16 year old son has known his best friend since they started at the same childminder when he was 6 months old, that is something very special.

My mum moved us a lot when we were younger and she had a ton of reasons too, she claims most of the moves were financial too. She has issues and is never satisfied

Incredibly spoilt and selfish

God, a commune is my idea of hell. Even people who like the idea can end up very unhappy if relationships within the commune take a turn for the worse. I think it’s quite a risky choice for anyone to be honest.
That said, OP could you go on a holiday with that communal type set up? That’s achievable and won’t ruin your family set up. You go alone or take the kids/husband and kids if they were amenable.
Are there local groups you could get involved with to get more of a community feel without any drastic moves? Any community garden schemes or something like that?

A co-housing project (aka commune) is my idea of hell and nothing on earth would persuade me to move into one. If your DH feels similarly then you have no chance of doing this unless you leave him.
Is the co-housing project in the UK? I'm assuming your parents aren't in Austria but I could be wrong.
I feel like the whole thing is far too disruptive for the children and the co-housing project could be a nightmare for them.

I'm an ex-pat living in Austria (now a naturalized Austrian). I can imagine trying to build up a network of local friends in Vienna is difficult - ie. people who are living there permanently as opposed to ex-pats who are more transient. Is it that you feel you are lacking friends and support driving the wish to live in co-housing?

You say you are stressed out and can't imagine that changing while you are in Vienna? Why is that? Is it that you have to work very long hours to be able to afford to live in Vienna which is very expensive?
Is there a compromise to be had here of moving outside of Vienna to somewhere commutable (Lower Austria and Burgenland have a lot of lovely small towns and villages) where there would be more of a chance to make local friends.
That said, I have lived in Austria for 14 years, in a small village. It is hard work to make friends in the village as so many people/families have been friends for generations and aren't that open to newcomers. No one is hostile, most people are very pleasant and kind to me, but they don't "need" a new random ex-Brit friend as they have their established friendships and extended families. And if you aren't completely fluent in German (and preferably Austrian German and/or the local dialect) it's almost impossible to integrate. Austria is quite hard to establish a life in.

You have a lot to think about here. It's not just a case of "I've made my bed I have to lie in it. Bye" as you've posted. No one was saying that to you. It was more like people saying that your wants are not compatible with the stage your family are at. It's something you could maybe do when the children have left home, but right now it just isn't practical, so you need to start looking at other possible solutions.

I think that's a great idea, dip your toe into the waters of something like this on a short term basis to see if reality meets your expectations. I think it would be really quite ridiculous - and frankly makes me wonder at your judgement- to uproot to live so differently somewhere so different on what sounds a rather vague notion of what it might be like. These things work best if they organically happen as a result of or as part of a whole lifestyle to which you are also contributing over time. It seems like you might want to parachute into what you perceive to be a warm and welcoming supportive community which you haven't helped to create. These things take time, more than you think and also effort. If you gave that effort to 'growing where you are planted' rather than fantasising about some illusory place where all your needs will be met, you'd be much better off. The old saw of 'there you go and there you are' comes to.mind here.

I agree. How many times are you going to subject your family to moving?

Apologies OP! I can see I got the wrong end of the stick in thinking the co housing was in Austria and your family were there too. So your dream of living on this co housing project would mean a move back to the UK for you all.

You've referred to multiple moves but there's been no detail about the dynamics of the conversations that were had between you and your husband, other than that 5 years ago, you knew this was the lifestyle you wanted for yourself and your children. Was the move to Vienna more than 5 years ago? We don't know if you've been consistently railroaded into compromises you knew wouldn't work or whether it's been you chopping and changing your mind about what you really want. So I'm not going to say you are being selfish or unreasonable because there's no way of telling.

It does sound a bit like the problem isn't actually the place/culture but a restlessness within you. What if you upped sticks to this community and you still felt the same way?
There may be a compromise possible but you need to get to the root of the issue before you make a big change.
You say that you're life is easy right now - what about it is making you stressed? Money? Feeling like you need to keep up with a certain lifestyle?

I don’t in the least think you’ve made your bed. Children are adaptable. We’ve moved around a fair bit, though have settled on somewhere I like where we’re happy to stay till DS finishes school.

My partner and I are really different. We view parenting and adulthood (buying a house/financial planning/career) differently.

I often go into phases with him where I stay with him (we live separately), leaning into the cuddles and love then when I met my friends there are discussing houses, parenting and child rearing. So then I’m back with new information and ideas for us that I want to share and get him on board or creating new ideas from it but more often than not all this really is really overwhelming for him so he shuts down.

I then feel like I don’t have a partner - it is just me and I have someone who loves me. Which is better than not having that.

So I think to myself back in the day, this is kind of how men would run their life, where they are thinking about all the investments, property and education for the children. However, the woman would always be a hands-on helper and take care of actual childcare, cooking and cleaning. I’m trying to work out what our dynamics going to be if I am taking care of childcare, investments, property and education for children, I guess he could take care of cooking and cleaning.
There is also the issue of her not wanting to move out, or I want to move out or where I can afford to buy so there’s a little bit of a rock going on there.

I know this is a rant and a lot of people do this, but I’m not sure what to do or what to town.

I think possibly the logical next step is to hire someone to talk to professionally. And I feel like here there might be more people that have had experience of this. I might be able to give me that 2p but also a recommendation if anyone knows of a great therapist or couples counsellor both get on the same page.

We have a baby on the way, our first, and I’d very much like us to get on the same page, whatever that page is going to be.

We get on well as people and have a lovely relationship if there’s nothing serious going on in regards to adult progression. But whenever we get to adult progression topics, it triggers into shutdown and that triggers me to feel very anxious about our future and going alone.

If I’m going to parent alone, that’s totally fine. I can put things in place at getting an au pair et cetera but as he’s around and he wants to be part of the process I want to give him space to do so, but he isn’t capable of planning. He shuts down or runs away from my plans so I’m not sure what to do without making him hate our conversations.

Really hate this website design!
This is supposed to be a new thread/ post. I have posted it as such, but I’m unable to delete this so sorry it’s within this thread.

OP, surely there is a middle ground between lying in your bed, or moving again/to a commune? Would it be financially possible to buy something small close to what you think is your ideal, maybe rent it out some of the time but use it as a bolthole and holiday home for you to try out this new life? You could plan to keep the kids where they are until university, and then take a view on whether you'd like to move to the other place full time or not. Your feelings may have changed by then.

I agree with PP completely that to uproot your DC again into an odd commune-type situation they have no experience of, and will very likely hate as soon as they are tween/teens, is a bad idea.

Hello @LHB82OP, Are you still checking in? I would not be surprised if you have left for good. There has been alot of unhelpful negativity and hostility to you and I don't see why people think this is in any way helpful.

Also you probably feel very lonely with little or no emotional support. I think you should try a different website - for expats maybe with people who are more used to and understanding of your dilemma.
I am an expat too and have moved several times with children but mostly in the same EU country. My children are now grown and all live in different places all over the world by choice and each have foreign spouses. We have grandchildren and travel alot. I'm not saying that it is easy or all rosey.

I think however that children adapt remarkably well- even more easily than adults. Home is where the heart is, some people say. Also, you carry your home with you wherever you go, no matter how light you travel. But this is possible probably only if the parents communicate well, each person is valued and respected and finds enough satisfaction for their needs.

Men since time began have been deciding all of a sudden that their job is not satisfactory and uproot the entire family and move! Why cannot women do that too?? I am appalled that people on Mumsnet think women should only and always think of their children first. Women should be able to determine what is right for themselves too. Come on this is a basic right! Children are not happy if their moms are not!

OP, I think you need to spend some time better defining exactly what you want and need for yourself and write out the details to share with your husband . Your husband needs concrete details to work with to take you more seriously. Best of luck!