Please help me try to understand.. partners who can't handle my PTSD

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Ten years ago I was stuck in a very bad DV relationship... I did post about it on MN at the time or after which helped a lot.

It will ten years ago this summer that I finally got out for good... for a couple more years my ex harrassed me (and my family and friends) and this only stopped a few months before he died

I've had years of working on myself , to try and rebuild my life and not let me ex 'win'. eg years of counselling from different sources, going to Al Anon (ex was an alcoholic), hypnotherapy...often it's seemed like one step forward and two back but nearly ten yrs on I thought I'd progressed.. except..

In that time there's been five men (but I include in this, two v brief flings.. which never came to anything for reasons I'll explain) also one more long term partner who I lived with. (I have also had spells alone! I'm very happy with my own company and often need the breathing space)..

I've just had yet another breakup, and all these men have one thing in common. Couldn't handle the PTSD. I will say I never tried to make a big deal of it because I didn't want it to be 'off putting'. Not that I should have to try hide it but I was trying to be positive and didn't want any partner to think that I couldn't trust etc. If you saw me in day time you'd say I was fine but it often comes out at night but not as much as used to.
I get nightmares and night terrors. Obviously I have no control over this and what my subconscious throws up. Partners say they hear me cry out, I often shout 'help me'.. a few have shaken me awake. It really has become quite infrequent now but it's still been noticed when it does happen..

Over the last decade I've heard the same things keep being repeated... Ie by these different exes
eg ' I thought I could handle your PTSD but I can't'
' Loving you/ caring for you isn't enough for me to take on your ptsd'
' You had a bad night again... why should I have to take on another man's crap.. it's nothing to do with me' (even though I've barely or never talked about it when awake)
and many times.. bizarrely..there's been an almost... jealousy?! eg 'you must still really love your ex/ be hung up on your ex if you are dreaming about him so vividly' (yes my ex the violent psychopath who has been dead for years!)
' I suppose you'll never trust me because of what your ex did'
'seeing you like that at night is too much baggage ' (sometimes coming from guys with gambling, drinking problems, ex wife issues etc!)

I will also say I'm not a possessive, jealous needy type at all. I've needed a lot of space over the years to come to terms with what happened and get my head together. So it's not like I brought those sort of issues to a new relationship. I dealt with it alone, with the right help or occasionally to go and chat to a girlfriend but never sat down and explained it fully to an ex. I think only one really knew part of the story and the others barely had a clue.

I'm trying to get my head around this. I can't control having what is now, less frequent nightmares and night terrors. Are all men bound to be like this, is it reasonable of them? After all, what my ex did IS nothing to do with them.
But no matter how much I hide it all, sometimes it will come out at night. As i say.. I turned to therapies.. I dont drink or use drugs.. I did all I could to help myself and not burden a new partner but I feel like I'm punished for an awful thing that happened to me.
Is it unreasonable to expect any new partner to ever 'take me on' or have I just had bad luck with the wrong guys? but as I say.. I heard the same things over and over throughout the years..gutting as for the last five yrs I really felt I'd turned a corner, got a career etc.. put most of it behind me....so I feel it must be me.. and no man can be expected to take on my ptsd, no matter how I play it down...
The latest breakup has left me heartbroken as I was expected to take on his baggage but my ptsd actually made him angry as 'why should it affect you.. you are with me now.. it's an insult to me'...
Sorry this is long but didn't want to drip feed

I should say..the long term partner is included in the five men, not an extra man!

In fact three have said, my having PTSD is an insult to them as their loving me should be enough to 'cure it' .. 🙄Oh if only it were that simple! Most were completely against any form of further counselling saying it's a weakness, means my ex has won again and means that me being with them is not enough.

Maybe stop trying to hide it in the day as much as you do right now? There must be such a contrast between your daytime "I am coping with it all" and the night time "screaming in fear" that it would be jarring.

I know you want to put it behind you, but it isn't really and maybe allowing it more headspace during the day and dealing with it visibly will help a partner be more understanding.

Please remember you are amazing and you have come so far.

I agree with the above. Don't hide it or let it own you, almost wear it as a badge. It's there. Give it some daytime space.

I don't think experiences like these you can put behind you. For me, I can't. The best you can do is manage the symptoms. It's like a disease. I manage the symptoms but can't cure it. But, I own it, not the other way around.

I have some questions- you don't have to answer them, obviously. But it may help to understand.

How long was the longest you were single for?
Do you think you go for a certain ’type’ of man?
You mention some therapies, hypnotherapy For example, have you tried counselling with a therapist or psychotherapist/psychologist -Talking about it awake?
What day to day support do you have?
Where have you met the partners you've had?
Any children?
Do you live alone or with family/ friends?

The fact that these men have been so arrogant to think they love you, so that should ’cure it’ or similar- is a huge red flag. They sound similar to your abuser -mentally abusing you. This kind if love and relationship is the last thing you need.

You have been through so much for such a long time. You have achieved so much over the years, which is brilliant. You have picked up some of the pieces of you and put them back together, a few more to find and stick back to the others. You will get there.

Take care, heal and process. Talk to us whenever you need. You have support here.

It’s simple: they’re assholes.
I, too, have PTSD, and the only partners who used it against me (e.g. brought it up in arguments to discount me) were abusive jerks.

it’s true that you need to seek support and focus on your healing for your own sake, and a partner can’t be a counselor, but other than that, they can fuck right off. Any man who speaks like this to you does not deserve to be in your bed.

please get absolutely fierce on your own behalf, and protect yourself as if you were your own child. It’s really important for your healing, that you don’t have people around you who try to shame you for something that is, in fact, a manifestation of your mind trying to heal.

💐

It’s absolutely not all men.

I have ptsd. I have nightmares, and apparently talk and sometimes scream in my sleep. The only thing my partner has even done is to gently shake me awake and tell me it’s ok, it’s “his name” here and I’m safe.

And I sometimes (but not always) freak when he touches my neck. Which he never does deliberately, but can happen accidentally - and I freeze and stiffen up and his reaction is immediately remove his hands from near me and tell me it’s ok and that I’m safe. It did take a while for him to accept that it’s not the conscious me that’s reacting to him then - he used to apologise and worry that he’d done something to make conscious me feel unsafe (but never, ever blamed me for thinking he could hurt me) until I got through to him that the freeze response is as confusing for me as it is for him, and that when it happens I don’t hate or fear him but hate the fact my body has subconscious reactions

none of these men were good enough for you. And there is a man out there who is

I think it's the men you're picking. It sounds like they've been arseholes.

It's really common to end up with a series of toxic partners following abuse: it's about needing to build up good boundaries after they've been destroyed. Which is a long process and it is one step forward two steps back often. 🤔

It's good when the trash takes itself out.

I think you're maybe picking those fake white knight types. They want to fix you and when it turns out them just showing up doesn't, their real colours show.

Work on you a bit so you don't repeat.

You are picking the wrong men.

I agree it's the men you seem to attract. It's totally not your fault but you are probably attracted to a certain type that look lovely on the surface but all have that asshole nature underneath.

I'd suggest staying single for a while and working on yourself. Then looking at what boundaries you want and some non negotiables. What did the past relationships have in common?

Don’t hide it. If they can’t take it they are not the person for you. When I met my DP I was terrified to tell him both about what had happened to me & about my ongoing issues (panic attacks & flashbacks) but he was completely accepting. He doesn’t ignore it but he doesn’t make a big deal of it either, it’s just me as far as he’s concerned. He’s never criticised me for removing myself from certain situations he’s quietly supportive & reassuring in difficult moments. He makes me feel safe.

I genuinely think that the way he is has helped me to ‘recover’. I don’t mean ‘men can help you heal’ or some such BS, I’ve done the therapy & breathing & all that too! But being able to tell someone & them accepting it completely helped me to accept it myself.

What were the relationships like apart from this issue? Were your partners loving and attentive to your feelings? Respectful of you? Did they value and prioritise you?

The last one... you were 'expected to take on his issues'... what does that mean? What were you 'expected' to put up with from him?

I think your picker might be faulty, so yes, until you get sorted out, all the men you pick may be like this. It's time to fix your picker, OP.

thanks for the replies
About to read through again
I did 'bring it into the day' and try to explain to all of them..hence why I did end up shutting down
Pretty much all had the same response.. 'don't want to hear about your ex'
' it's very weak of you if you still think about him' 'he's dead why does he sitll occupy your head' 'going to counselling is a weakness and means you are hanging on to him' 'he's been dead for years , you must be obsessed'
Half the time I don't even get the chance to explain..most of the dreams now are not about him but severe anxiety ones.. not about violence or the psychological /blackmail he put me through, but actually he doesn't often feature at all now..it's about the shock of me leaving. I stil feel that shock
ten years on..the fleeing with the clothes on my back...leaving home, possessions. job , leaving workmates in the crap, THAT is the main part of
my ptsd now

You're picking dreadful men. Keep going but be brutal with your sorting and sifting! Because a bunch of arseholes said it to you doesn't make it true.

The men sound awful. It's not your fault. Have you tried EMDR? It's probably the most helpful therapy I've tried.

Fully agree re my 'picker'! And before the man who caused all this, I was single for three years (v happily) and had good relationships

''How long was the longest you were single for?
Do you think you go for a certain ’type’ of man?
You mention some therapies, hypnotherapy For example, have you tried counselling with a therapist or psychotherapist/psychologist -Talking about it awake?
What day to day support do you have?
Where have you met the partners you've had?
Any children?
Do you live alone or with family/ friends?''

In the past..three years..now since all this.. a couple
I've had counselling at a Woman's Centre for years and also a local charity for women /abuse where a woman would come and meet me one to one for a chat eg in a library etc. The thing that worked most was hypnotherapy but the results were always short term. I couldn't afford to keep going and still can't afford. When I can I'll definitely be having more
No day to day support.. completely alone.. don't have children.. family blamed me for getting involved with an alcoholic (he'd been sober for 5 yrs.. no one
knew how it would have turned out.. I'd met him in his healthy 'reformed character' sober slot) At one point I stayed with parents and they sent me back to him. I had no where else to go.... this despite them knowing he'd tried to kill me on numerous occasions

The partners I've met since the alcoholic? a couple of flings were on Facebook (yeh I know, I know.. never again!) not on dating sites, I don't do dating sites, just met these men by accident. Others I already knew..eg the long term one was an old friend. Shockingly years in he turned abusive too. I still live with him but he's not around much as usually away for work. We live as housemates now. (complicated I know but it's an arrangement.. better for me and pets.. near my job etc..I don't see him much - and it's about to end as the house.. his.. is on the market)

EMDR I have been thinking about recently!

Watchkeys..

re the recent breakup..he's not an alcoholic but does drink a good amount every night. (I barely drink)
Not as 'estranged' from ex wife as I thought
Very very controlling eg 'all I want to do is help you'.. very patronising.. eg asked for my bank statements (I flat out refused of course! such an insult as I'm savvy with money, I'm on min wage but not in debt..this is a rich man and it was bloody patronising!) so he could 'check' stuff for me and see where he could save me money (thinks he's bloody Martin Lewis obviously!)
He wrote a list of my health issues and what he thought should change eg meds, for my doctor.. (and later mocked my health issues saying I'm a hypochondriac..he'd ASKED for a list of my issues.. eg I have underactive thyroid which has affected me badly a few times in past.. it's not always been managed well..he said he didn't want to take someone on with ptsd and a life long condition.. nuts! I manage it pretty well most of time and have a very hectic job on my feet all day !)This man is in his 60s yet mocking me (early 50s) saying I should be healthier.. it turns out I've probably had the thyroid condition my entire life (diagnosed in my 30s hence damage done and infertility) and it's in my family!

The replies definitely confirm to me that it's not 'just me' and my 'built in bastard radar' has been well and truly turned off for the last decade.
Heartening at least to hear that there are decent men out there..
I think being vulnerable I have certainly attracted the wrong types.. less
knight in shining armour.. more tin foil..

Thankyou Category I needed to read that.

Ah OP, hugs to you. I have C-PTSD too after nearly a decade with an abusive ex (initially 'just' emotional abuse, later became physical).

I too get night terrors - thrashing around and shouting out 'no, no, stop, please' etc. I can also react badly if something my DH (who isn't abusive in the slightest) does or says something that reminds me of my ex/gives me flashbacks - sometimes this results in me getting irrationally angry at him, panicking or running off. I would also say I self-medicated to an unhealthy extent with alcohol early on in our relationship.

Thankfully my DH (who was also my first real relationship after my ex) is incredibly understanding. I think it's partially because he has his own mental health struggles that I don't necessarily understand (random panic attacks, anxiety and occasional paranoia) so we both try to understand and support each other even when it's not something that we've personally experienced. Don't think of it as you being somehow deficient or 'in the wrong' - it's not like you chose this! These men are just not the kind of people that you need and deserve.

I'm on a waiting list for EMDR which I've heard great things about, so am really hoping that'll help. Good luck x

''I agree with the above. Don't hide it or let it own you, almost wear it as a badge. It's there. Give it some daytime space.
I don't think experiences like these you can put behind you. For me, I can't. The best you can do is manage the symptoms. It's like a disease. I manage the symptoms but can't cure it. But, I own it, not the other way around.''

Well put, thankyou Merryweather

The amount of times I've heard..
'I'm here now! Why is he still in your head? Isn't my love good enough? I find this really insulting!"

And then often go on to say they are no longer in love with me because they can't love someone with ptsd.. or that people with ptsd are weak

Are you picking men who are particularly stupid(ie fundamentally incapable of understanding PTSD, or the fact that other people do not feel the exact same way as them on all topics), or just twats?

Either way, belligerently stupid or deliberately twattish is not somebody you should hang on to. Be glad you got rid of them.

They really have been the fake knight types. The last few have totally been love bombers. ie fake love , flattery, obsessive.. one has been turning up at my work recently and pestering my work mates about me , trying to leave his number etc :( which I hate (will call security if it happens again - a busy store) even though I ended it early last year..
The one I live with was never obsessive, was great in the beginning , but is an old friend and was always more like 'older brother ' type..then his health issues and drinking escalated until he too became violent :( In fact he is the worst in terms of he knew what I'd been through..