Please help me try to understand.. partners who can't handle my PTSD

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Ten years ago I was stuck in a very bad DV relationship... I did post about it on MN at the time or after which helped a lot.

It will ten years ago this summer that I finally got out for good... for a couple more years my ex harrassed me (and my family and friends) and this only stopped a few months before he died

I've had years of working on myself , to try and rebuild my life and not let me ex 'win'. eg years of counselling from different sources, going to Al Anon (ex was an alcoholic), hypnotherapy...often it's seemed like one step forward and two back but nearly ten yrs on I thought I'd progressed.. except..

In that time there's been five men (but I include in this, two v brief flings.. which never came to anything for reasons I'll explain) also one more long term partner who I lived with. (I have also had spells alone! I'm very happy with my own company and often need the breathing space)..

I've just had yet another breakup, and all these men have one thing in common. Couldn't handle the PTSD. I will say I never tried to make a big deal of it because I didn't want it to be 'off putting'. Not that I should have to try hide it but I was trying to be positive and didn't want any partner to think that I couldn't trust etc. If you saw me in day time you'd say I was fine but it often comes out at night but not as much as used to.
I get nightmares and night terrors. Obviously I have no control over this and what my subconscious throws up. Partners say they hear me cry out, I often shout 'help me'.. a few have shaken me awake. It really has become quite infrequent now but it's still been noticed when it does happen..

Over the last decade I've heard the same things keep being repeated... Ie by these different exes
eg ' I thought I could handle your PTSD but I can't'
' Loving you/ caring for you isn't enough for me to take on your ptsd'
' You had a bad night again... why should I have to take on another man's crap.. it's nothing to do with me' (even though I've barely or never talked about it when awake)
and many times.. bizarrely..there's been an almost... jealousy?! eg 'you must still really love your ex/ be hung up on your ex if you are dreaming about him so vividly' (yes my ex the violent psychopath who has been dead for years!)
' I suppose you'll never trust me because of what your ex did'
'seeing you like that at night is too much baggage ' (sometimes coming from guys with gambling, drinking problems, ex wife issues etc!)

I will also say I'm not a possessive, jealous needy type at all. I've needed a lot of space over the years to come to terms with what happened and get my head together. So it's not like I brought those sort of issues to a new relationship. I dealt with it alone, with the right help or occasionally to go and chat to a girlfriend but never sat down and explained it fully to an ex. I think only one really knew part of the story and the others barely had a clue.

I'm trying to get my head around this. I can't control having what is now, less frequent nightmares and night terrors. Are all men bound to be like this, is it reasonable of them? After all, what my ex did IS nothing to do with them.
But no matter how much I hide it all, sometimes it will come out at night. As i say.. I turned to therapies.. I dont drink or use drugs.. I did all I could to help myself and not burden a new partner but I feel like I'm punished for an awful thing that happened to me.
Is it unreasonable to expect any new partner to ever 'take me on' or have I just had bad luck with the wrong guys? but as I say.. I heard the same things over and over throughout the years..gutting as for the last five yrs I really felt I'd turned a corner, got a career etc.. put most of it behind me....so I feel it must be me.. and no man can be expected to take on my ptsd, no matter how I play it down...
The latest breakup has left me heartbroken as I was expected to take on his baggage but my ptsd actually made him angry as 'why should it affect you.. you are with me now.. it's an insult to me'...
Sorry this is long but didn't want to drip feed

Saschka.. I'd say they are all abusive since my ex fiance (the one that caused the ptsd in the first place)

All duped me when I was in a vulnerable place.. love bombing... gas lighting..
I feel I do need to return to counselling but it's ten years on since I left him and these guys have made me feel a failure..it is really such a huge step back though..if it helps me future..surely there sholdn't be a time limit on ptsd..
all these men made me feel pathetic, a failure, that my ex had won. counselling
is for weirdos (my parents actually said this too!) and weak people
'why do you want to revisit all that' (I don't! It's about ME!) 'why do you want to pick the scab off' (I don't! it never truly healed! ) etc

In the nicest possible way, but you are still picking absolutely horrible men. They might be less bad than the first guy but that doesn't make them a good choice. They are the problem,not you.

How arrogant of them to think that their love for you can outweigh PTSD. Unbelievable, it's far more complex that than.

My ex had similar issues and the night terrors, sleep paralysis, initially frightened me because as much as you want to hug/help, there's nothing you can do but after the first few times, I got used to it and it was such a non issue. I just thought he was amazing - our split completely unrelated & more do with that we wanted it life.

The right person won't care. Decent people don't, they are supportive & accept that you will experience things differently to them & there's nothing wrong with that. Someone who truly loves you doesn't judge. In fact, a lot of people have a genuine admiration for people who have come through very difficult challenges. Survival should always be viewed as a strenght not a weakness.

Don't give up, just try spot the red flags sooner. Try to determine if any potential partners are empathic at the outset. Do they treat family well? Are they polite, caring, no signs of selfishess or arrogance etc?

I would say all these men have used what happened to me as a stick to beat me with...and the long term guy literally did beat me.
The fact a couple seemed jealous beggars belief.. they thought I was in love with a dead abuser because he was still in my head and I was dreaming about him, not them! (and never listened when I tried to explain most of what I dream now isn't specifically about dead fiance but about the shock of leaving)

They sounds pretty self centred (not because they can't cope but because of the things they say that make your trauma 'all about them'). Part of the problem may be that you are still picking similarly abusive men. All be it, lesser than the first guy. Maybe your bad dreams are even triggered by your gut warning you about them. Do your night terrors happen more on relationships?

Secondly, easy fix - sleep in separate rooms.
Get yourself a 2 bed flat or q sofa bed sofa bed your living room. You obviously can't expect people to be OK trying to sleep next to you not knowing how they might be wakened at any
ungodly hour. Sleep separately. People who get proper sleep are far more likely to be able to cope with issues as they arrive in relationships without throwing their toys out the pram because they're all stressed and exhausted.

Agreed, Tomatoes
and spotting red flags earlier

The last was extremely loving at first, def backed up his words with actions, but way way too controlling (eg the bank statements) If I politely snubbed help he'd say I was ungrateful. But I never wanted help.. I'm an independent woman and always have been (another thing some, not all, men struggle with) eg I have never taken a penny from a man, travel/ holiday alone, etc.. He later as with others went on to say, well how did I know (I couldn't handle your issues/ ptsd) until I was actually in it/ been with you for a while (and yes as I said. I'd always played it down.. in fact with the last few I'd learnt to barely mention it ever)

I think this too

Pinkbonbon, I don't have my own place. No man stays here
but yes in the future. .I have considered all that! will hopefully have own place by summer

Yes, there we go- you're still dating abusive men.

It's not that they can't handle your ptsd. It's as you said - thry use it as a stick to beat you with. Because they WANT to. Because they are abusive.

You need To work on spotting red flags in dating before dating again. And continuously learn throughout your life. If in doubt about someone's behaviour, trust your gut. Or, ask mumsnet.

In future, also never mention past abuse to a new partner Fyi. If need be, tell them you have bad dreams but don't mention abuse. As it can draw in the wrong sort.

Tomatoes, all would start with the 'you're so brave.. you got through this..you are amazing' spiel..
and then some months down the line (or even much earlier) use it against me.. eg to show how weak I am, or that their presence isn't enough to chase the demons away (!) , and that I'm obviously far too damaged for a future because I'm still having these dreams/ flashbacks ten yrs on

It's pretty bloody depressing that ALL these men have followed the same pattern and that I'VE picked all these men
I do see myself as a strong woman so it's actually pretty embarrassing

Exactly this.

Your past and the PTSD are not the issue here, it’s the men you are picking!

it’s great you’ve done so much therapy and working on your recovery, now it might be time to Start exploring your needs and want from a future partner, work on identifying red and green flags, keep your boundaries up and don’t share your story until the person has proved / demonstrated they are worthy of your investment.

The ones you’ve picked previously do not sound like people you could trust to support you in anything let alone complex mental health conditions

In a way I'd say these men are worse ... not excusing my ex at all but he was a very, very sick man and he paid the price for that (losing his life, not seeing his son grow up) But these men have the awareness he didn't.. and know my past and chose to use it to abuse me with

Margarit..what does green flag mean?
Good traits?

Op, it’s not you, it’s the men you pick. The key is to find a man (if that’s what you want) who has empathy and emotional maturity, who doesn’t think he’s god’s gift to women, who can see what it’s like to walk in your shoes. They do exist, but you are going to have to rethink your whole approach to men and relationships. I wish you luck.

They are the wrong men.
My now DH says that sometimes I cry out in my sleep. Sometimes when he touches me in my sleep accidentally I start crying. I have screamed before.
He holds me and let's me weep or strokes my hair and tells me it'll be ok. He loves me. He knows I have suffered and that my body remembers.
You are not to blame and these men did not love you. They aren't with you and they were honest. At least they are not with you, and complaining. I'm sorry OP

There are a lot of shitty men out there. If you were to tell them about past abuse early on I guarantee the shitty ones will cling on all the more though.

Just don't tell anyone your history. Its none of their business. Just 'oh, we weren't compatible/it didn't work out/we were very different people/we both wanted different things' if the subject of past relationships come up. Or 'he was a bit of a dick so I dumped him. Life's too short!' That way they know you don't tolerate bs.

But none of us have crystal balls. We can't spot them all, just learn from our past mistakes and hope it gets easier to spot the wankers next time.

My DP has PTSD, caused by his time in the army and exacerbated by his ex-wife who used it as a stick to beat him with.

I also have trauma from previous relationships and so to some extent have an idea of what he is going through.

It honestly isn't easy and when he is in the grips of it it feels like I am being blamed for the actions of others. I can understand that not everyone could cope with a partner with complex mental health needs.

But we support each other, I am sad to see his PTSD and anxiety but try to support him through it, he tries to support me through my fear responses to random triggers. We have both been through the ringer and can empathise with each other.

But we also know that as much as we can support each other there is very little chance of an actual fix. We can ride it out and make small improvements but are not waiting for things to get magically better.

A lot of people think mental health can be fixed and should be fixed, they see not getting better as a moral failing. You need to avoid these people.

It's a mental health problem, it isn't 'weak', and it has no reflection on them as a partner, it is a trauma. Tell them to google it if it is difficult for them to get.

If they aren't intelligent enough to understand that then just show them the door, they aren't for you and you do not need to justify yourself to these thickos.

Magenta, absolutely, they see it as simple as a plaster or a pill.
I've actually been told.. 'just tell yourself not to think of it anymore. Just clear your head. Just lay down and go straight to sleep like I do'. Err.........

Chemicalworld, a few of them I did suggest they google.. and I was met with fury. eg 'why should I do that because of your ex.. I have no interest.. I've never had to know about this before'...
One suggested I must have done something wrong for my ex to be like that and part of me must have deserved it (my ex was an alcoholic before I was even born!) That guy got dumped immediately, I will say.. we have mutual friends but I will never give him time of day again

Starting to think all these men since have this in common. not just abusive qualities but all very immature and insecure.. they actually feel threatened by my dead ex

I have C-PTSD due to abuse growing up and then a string of abusive relationships. Like you I also have nightmares and sometimes wake myself up shouting ‘no no no no no’. At one point I thought I’d found a good one. I confided in him about some of what had happened to me and he was very ‘white knight’ about it, so understanding. But then shortly afterwards he said he worried I’d accuse him of the same thing. This should have had alarm bells ringing but because he’d otherwise been lovely (and was used to men behaving this way), I ignored it. Guess what? He turned out to be abusive, used the whole lot against me and went on to lock me in his flat and physically assault me.

We pick these men and overlook the early warning signs. How did those comments make you feel? Listen to your feelings. If a partner’s behaviour is making you feel bad then it’s probably time to leave. Get in touch with how you feel instead of trying to rationalise things in your head. And sign up to the freedom programme.

That is really insulting of them to say that.

Would they say the same thing if your PTSD was from a different cause, such as a natural disaster, bad accident or war? I very much doubt it.

Neither, no, because they think that is 'proper' ptsd, and mine must be self indulgence to have gone on for so long (and I quote 'to let a dead man win') and that I'm insulting war veterans etc as I don't know what trauma is
I had a year of being raped, kept prisoner (allowed out just for work so could buy his booze) terrorising my friends and family (I lost a lot of friends and then my job) etc, being held at knifepoint all night long then having to go to work on no sleep - the psychological stuff and blackmail was worse than anything physical I experienced..threatening pets , undoing the lives of others etc (which he actually did, to get back at me.. )