Please help me try to understand.. partners who can't handle my PTSD

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Ten years ago I was stuck in a very bad DV relationship... I did post about it on MN at the time or after which helped a lot.

It will ten years ago this summer that I finally got out for good... for a couple more years my ex harrassed me (and my family and friends) and this only stopped a few months before he died

I've had years of working on myself , to try and rebuild my life and not let me ex 'win'. eg years of counselling from different sources, going to Al Anon (ex was an alcoholic), hypnotherapy...often it's seemed like one step forward and two back but nearly ten yrs on I thought I'd progressed.. except..

In that time there's been five men (but I include in this, two v brief flings.. which never came to anything for reasons I'll explain) also one more long term partner who I lived with. (I have also had spells alone! I'm very happy with my own company and often need the breathing space)..

I've just had yet another breakup, and all these men have one thing in common. Couldn't handle the PTSD. I will say I never tried to make a big deal of it because I didn't want it to be 'off putting'. Not that I should have to try hide it but I was trying to be positive and didn't want any partner to think that I couldn't trust etc. If you saw me in day time you'd say I was fine but it often comes out at night but not as much as used to.
I get nightmares and night terrors. Obviously I have no control over this and what my subconscious throws up. Partners say they hear me cry out, I often shout 'help me'.. a few have shaken me awake. It really has become quite infrequent now but it's still been noticed when it does happen..

Over the last decade I've heard the same things keep being repeated... Ie by these different exes
eg ' I thought I could handle your PTSD but I can't'
' Loving you/ caring for you isn't enough for me to take on your ptsd'
' You had a bad night again... why should I have to take on another man's crap.. it's nothing to do with me' (even though I've barely or never talked about it when awake)
and many times.. bizarrely..there's been an almost... jealousy?! eg 'you must still really love your ex/ be hung up on your ex if you are dreaming about him so vividly' (yes my ex the violent psychopath who has been dead for years!)
' I suppose you'll never trust me because of what your ex did'
'seeing you like that at night is too much baggage ' (sometimes coming from guys with gambling, drinking problems, ex wife issues etc!)

I will also say I'm not a possessive, jealous needy type at all. I've needed a lot of space over the years to come to terms with what happened and get my head together. So it's not like I brought those sort of issues to a new relationship. I dealt with it alone, with the right help or occasionally to go and chat to a girlfriend but never sat down and explained it fully to an ex. I think only one really knew part of the story and the others barely had a clue.

I'm trying to get my head around this. I can't control having what is now, less frequent nightmares and night terrors. Are all men bound to be like this, is it reasonable of them? After all, what my ex did IS nothing to do with them.
But no matter how much I hide it all, sometimes it will come out at night. As i say.. I turned to therapies.. I dont drink or use drugs.. I did all I could to help myself and not burden a new partner but I feel like I'm punished for an awful thing that happened to me.
Is it unreasonable to expect any new partner to ever 'take me on' or have I just had bad luck with the wrong guys? but as I say.. I heard the same things over and over throughout the years..gutting as for the last five yrs I really felt I'd turned a corner, got a career etc.. put most of it behind me....so I feel it must be me.. and no man can be expected to take on my ptsd, no matter how I play it down...
The latest breakup has left me heartbroken as I was expected to take on his baggage but my ptsd actually made him angry as 'why should it affect you.. you are with me now.. it's an insult to me'...
Sorry this is long but didn't want to drip feed

I had an ex pull similar stuff like this. he used private, difficult things that I had told him to try to humiliate me. I could see through him, see exactly what he was trying to do to me and my walls came up and I finished things. Not to say that there wasn't a heavy dose of self doubt there at points because these people can capitalise on weaknesses.

If they are not willing to try to understand who you are, what you have gone through and why you are suffering then they are not for you.

I would echo some previous posters before and to not bury it - not feel ashamed and to have it as something that has shaped you and is still with you today - as traumatic events have a tendency to do. These men you are dealing with seem insecure, as though they aren't enough, they can't solve the problem by just being in your life. An understanding person knows you can't just eradicate someone's trauma in that way. It isn't you, it's them.

It sounds like you are still attracting the same kind of men...

If they're not prepared to listen and understand during the day time, then they're not going to be the right person to spend your nights with.

There are medications that help greatly with PTSD. The American Veterans' Health System uses them along with therapy for war vets with complex PTSD.

PTSD is difficult. My husband suffers from it. But there is a lot that can be done now. If I were you that's where I'd start. Get more mentally healthy and the relationship issues will take care of themselves.

Life, I have had years and years of counselling, Al Anon and hypnotherapy and other treatments.
but now years of nothing. Maybe time to bring some back..

Counselling I will say, didn't do much.. it was just me listening to myself talk as the counseller would nod/ steer me.. and I could have done that with friends
Nothing against counsellers!
Oh I had years of CBT and NLP too. did not help
Hypnotherapy did but I had to give up due to cost

@alltoomuchrightnow I have no advice but reading the advice you are receiving with great attention.

My story is very similar except my ex parter has been gone 2 years. Stay strong

I don't understand why you discuss what you are going through, how it portrays and the way to deal with it. It must come as a bit of a surprise the first time it happens in the middle of the night with new partner.

The way to fix your picker is to recognise where you take responsibility for others. You feel embarrassed by the fact that you chose them, they made you feel pathetic, they made you feel like a failure. But you did nothing wrong. A kind, respectful person wouldn't make you feel embarrassed, or like a failure, or pathetic.

The only thing you need to change is what you do when someone makes you feel bad. Currently, you look to yourself (What did I do wrong? How did I contribute to this going wrong? What could I change about what I did so that he wouldn't feel the need to treat me like this?) and it's way simpler than that. It's 'This person made me feel bad, and when I spoke to them about it, it didn't help/it happened again, so I'm removing them from my life'

And that's it. You never have to endure a shit relationship again, and you never have to label yourself with any negative names again. They make you feel bad? They're gone.

I'm with everybody else, it's the men you're attracting.

I actually thnk that you need to factor in the fact that as a woman who has endured abuse, you are enormously attractive to abusive men.

This is nothing to do with your 'man picker' but with the fact that abusive men seek out women they can abuse, women who cannot easily draw a line in the sand for themselves. Men like this may not even know they do it - they are simply seeking the sort of dynamic where they feel 'at home' because of their own abusive childhoods, but in most cases a woman with strong boundaries would have little appeal for this sort of man.

Have you ever done the Freedom Programme? Do you think you are susceptible to love-bombing?

The thing about being traumatised by previous abuse is that it is so easy to get confused in your head about what is a healthy boundary and the fear of being 'unreasonable' because you know that you are traumatised and are worried that your reactions are therefore not normal. It is this confusion that an abuser will exploit, and he will start to try to convince you that <insert whatever it is you say or do> is wrong. For example that 'you should be over it by now' or 'you must be obsessed'.

There is one very simple rule that you can follow - if it feels wrong to you then IT IS wrong for you. No-one else in the whole world should be telling you what you should be feeling. And you really need to give yourself permission and some compassion to feel what you feel, and then perhaps it might not need to explode out in the night in your sleep.

I actually thnk that you need to factor in the fact that as a woman who has endured abuse, you are enormously attractive to abusive men

This has everything to do with your picker. Unless you tell everybody you meet, including the cashier at Sainsburys and the person who washes your car, that you have endured abuse, you are actively picking who to share this information with. And what do you use to choose who? Your picker.

Phillysub , I always gave the most basic info.. ie I'd left an abusive alcoholic with the clothes on my back, I get nightmares/ night terrors, I'd just learnt not
to go into great detail about the abuse as it never got a good reaction or I'd just get made to shut up

Freedom programme.. no not yet but a friend has done it several times and urges me to. I'm a shift worker so not sure if possible.. will look into

Thankyou, Wholerhubarb (and everyone)

''There is one very simple rule that you can follow - if it feels wrong to you then IT IS wrong for you. No-one else in the whole world should be telling you what you should be feeling. And you really need to give yourself permission and some compassion to feel what you feel, and then perhaps it might not need to explode out in the night in your sleep.''

Thankyou Haffiana - needed to read this

Also a violent childhood means I tend to be far more tolerant than most would be .. having said that, in my 20s and 30s I had mainly healthy, 'normal' relationships.. it was with meeting the alcoholic at almost 40, that everything changed and a pattern was set.. I always was mindful of what my childhood could affect in relationships and set out to stop that happening.. meeting the sober man he was for a few yrs, I never could have predicted what would happen in a few years time when he lapsed..

“The thing about being traumatised by previous abuse is that it is so easy to get confused in your head about what is a healthy boundary and the fear of being 'unreasonable' because you know that you are traumatised and are worried that your reactions are therefore not normal. It is this confusion that an abuser will exploit, and he will start to try to convince you that
is wrong. For example that 'you should be over it by now' or 'you must be obsessed'”

this is wise.

Why are you telling partners I'd left an abusive alcoholic with the clothes on my back, I get nightmares/ night terrors that is all they need to know that you are vulnerable and can be taken advantage of.
I wouldn't even be saying this, I'd just say we no longer got on and so split...its not a lie as you didn't get on due to his abuse.
There is no need to mentions nightmares early on, maybe don't stay at theirs for a while, and even then just say you sometimes don't sleep great.

You have been abused your whole life, first by your parents and then by all these men, your parents still abuse you by telling you that you should have therapy and sending you back to an abusive man.

You need specialist therapy and to also stay away from men until you have healed, have healthy boundaries and can recognise and walk away when things don't feel right.

SortingItOut... my parents mock and scoff at therapy. Also when I went to them
they were actually furious I was attending Al Anon. The rest is true I agree..

Yeah, I think your parents basically set you up from the get-go for abusive relationships.