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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Completely confused by what's normal regarding contact from friend who is in a LTR

58 replies

buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 22:19

My friend who I work with texts me every night and sometimes before work.
I'm recently single.
Texts range from work chat to idle chat to sending inappropriate reels of funny/sexy/ innuendo type of thing.
These texts have increased since I've become single so I've reduced contact a little as it feels like he wants his ego stroking .
He doesn't mention his partner of several years and he has only ever introduced her to me once.
They live together.
He has discussed their relationship in depth in the past but as previously said, doesn't mention her anymore.
So am I correct? Is he looking for an ego rub or is he lonely or just enjoying the banter.
I've no sexual interest in him. In fact I find I'm trying to distance myself at work as he will often pop into my office and sit himself at the edge of my desk for a chat.
Or perhaps he feels he can be friendlier or make more contact given that my relationship is over? Odd one ?

OP posts:
Kpcs · 09/03/2023 22:24

Sounds like he’s trying to capitalise on the fact you are vulnerable right now. Are the content and frequency of his messages something you would be happy for a partner of yours to be sending to another woman?

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 09/03/2023 22:25

Urgh. I don't have an answer about what to do but I've had similar and it's always an older male. What makes some men think women want their attention and like the innuendos?! Why do they assume women are interested in this bullshit? I just want to tell them to feck off.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 09/03/2023 22:28

Of course he's massaging his ego at your expense, the change in behaviour pattern when you became single couldn't be more blatant. Now you are no longer another man;s personal property, you belong to men communally, & your role is to entertain & flatter them.

Texts range from work chat to idle chat to sending inappropriate reels of funny/sexy/ innuendo type of thing.
"Stop sending me this shit, it;s inappropriate."

In fact I find I'm trying to distance myself at work as he will often pop into my office and sit himself at the edge of my desk for a chat.
"Don't sit on my desk, I don't like men looming into my personal space."

Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 22:32

I would not be happy with any man in my life texting a colleague/ friend some of the content he sends me and certainly not the quantity if I was away for a few days or if he was, as he tends to increase contact when he is on his own. But tbh he texts a bit when with her too, even when they are away for a romantic break or holidays. Not a word about her though. Just about the beer or the sun or the occasion or the place he's in.
I would be unhappy if my ex husband or partners did this. Why would they think of a friend/ colleague when with me. Yes actually I would be angry .
He openly and regularly says that I look gorgous or admires my hair or new jewellery.
I'm not sure if he is being oolite and kind or not as he is very polite as a rule.

OP posts:
Shamdyhandy · 09/03/2023 22:35

Doesn’t sound a nice man at all and you don’t fancy him so why the angst about his motives? Ignore him. Stop texting. It’s not hard

Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 22:36

It is hard when we work on a close knit team together and have down for years. Very hard. He is very friendly and charming.

OP posts:
Enufsaid · 09/03/2023 22:44

I would feel very uncomfortable about this. Question is how do you feel?

Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 22:49

Confused. Maybe a little unsure of myself and don't know how to proceed with the friendship

OP posts:
ScattyHattie · 09/03/2023 22:50

I think he's hoping it will stray into something now your single, whether he would go as far as starting affair or just bored in relationship and messaging you injects a bit of excitement to his day. He's messaging late night/early morning so his partner doesn't become aware.

If he saw you as a friend then he'd mention his partner more in conversation and avoid inapropriate content in case you got wrong idea.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/03/2023 22:53

I wouldn’t ‘proceed’ with any of it. He sounds like a shitbag after a shag, and you sound like you’re asking for permission.

Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 22:54

I thought I'd been clear in previous posts that I've no sexual interest in him. I do not find him attractive at all.

OP posts:
Shamdyhandy · 09/03/2023 23:10

What are you actually asking?

Dery · 09/03/2023 23:14

Don’t proceed with the friendship. He’s sniffing around you in an unpleasant and inappropriate way. He’s not your friend.

Biscuitandacuppa · 09/03/2023 23:16

Oh dear, I’ve been in a this situation before and unfortunately there is no way you can resolve this and still be nice and friendly. You need to speak to him face to face and tell him to quit with the texting. Tell him it’s making you uncomfortable. He is pushing your boundaries and hoping for a shag.

Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 23:21

As per post@Shamdyhandy I'm asking what's normal contact with a friends who is in an LTR?

OP posts:
Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 23:22

I don't have the courage to speak with him. It would make work life too awful and I guarantee he would say he was just being friendly and having a laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 23:24

I thought for a time that he wasn't texting as much when I was attached, as a matter of respect .

OP posts:
Asformending · 09/03/2023 23:26

buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 22:49

Confused. Maybe a little unsure of myself and don't know how to proceed with the friendship

Why do you need to proceed at all with anything? He is a work colleague.

You need to step up and state to him, he is behaving inappropriately, crossing work boundaries, your not interested in him and ask how his LTpartner would feel if she knew.

You know exactly what he is after or you wouldn't be posting. It must be flattering and an ego boost for you, but really, is that the caliber of man you want to waste time on? You sound a bit desperate to even be giving this slime ball head space, never mind posting about him.

Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 23:31

Once again @Asformending I am not attracted to him AT ALL.
He is a close friend and colleague whose contact has increased and I asked as per original post, and indeed having read another similar post earlier, what's usual/acceptable/ too much contact when he is in an LTR and we are good friends.
Where does one draw the line ?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 09/03/2023 23:31

Of course he isn’t just being friendly or polite, and of course this isn’t a normal amount of texting- you know this.

If you don’t want to face this head on, just take a day to reply, or occasionally don’t reply.
If you are unsure about his intentions, start asking about his girlfriend. I reckon he’ll either change the subject, downplay the relationship or be slightly negative about her.

Asformending · 09/03/2023 23:39

buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 23:21

As per post@Shamdyhandy I'm asking what's normal contact with a friends who is in an LTR?

You've already stated "I would not be happy with any man in my life texting a colleague/ friend some of the content he sends me and certainly not the quantity if I was away for a few days or if he was, as he tends to increase contact when he is on his own."

So you know the answer!
You seem to need folk
to spell out on this post that he fancies you etc etc.

No love, he's just an office sex pest chancing his luck with a member of the opposite sex who tolerates his advances if only by text.

If you don't have the courage to speak to him, leave him on unread/stop replying or speak to a senior colleague about his out of order behaviour.

Asformending · 09/03/2023 23:44

OP, how old are you? Is he in a more senior position to you? If not, warn him off.

How can you count a work colleague, who harasses another of the opposite sex as 'a friend'? You don't need to be best buddies with everyone.

MountainChalet · 09/03/2023 23:45

Just stop replying and if he asks you when he sees you, why you haven't replied just say you've been busy. Soon he'll get the message.

NoPrivateSpy · 09/03/2023 23:51

OP, the fact you are asking this question says it all.

I suspect your subconscious is rightfully telling you something is up and he likes you more than friends. Which it sounds like he does.

Stop over thinking it. Tell him to back off cos it's making you feel uncomfortable. If he's a genuine friend, he'll hear what you're saying.

Original poster
buthowdoyouknow · 09/03/2023 23:52

I don't feel harassed. I feel a bit t confused . He is very friendly very popular and has lots of friends. He is one of those warm men who is kind and polite to everyone and has tonnes of female friends. I'm in no way special here but the level and content of contact felt off.
I don't feel impressed or fancied by him. I don't know what his behaviour is tbh. Is it conceivable that he is just one of those rare men who loves women and has lots f female friends who genuinely just loves the contact And may be a bit lonely ?
You may think I'm being deliberately stupid but while he is all of those things and behaves as I've described , is there any innocent intention?
You have no idea how much I hate confrontation and maybe after last relationship , I feel confused and a bit unsettled . Not used to someone who seems to genuinely like my company and needs that contact ?

OP posts: