Completely confused by what's normal regarding contact from friend who is in a LTR

[buthowdoyouknow]

My friend who I work with texts me every night and sometimes before work.
I'm recently single.
Texts range from work chat to idle chat to sending inappropriate reels of funny/sexy/ innuendo type of thing.
These texts have increased since I've become single so I've reduced contact a little as it feels like he wants his ego stroking .
He doesn't mention his partner of several years and he has only ever introduced her to me once.
They live together.
He has discussed their relationship in depth in the past but as previously said, doesn't mention her anymore.
So am I correct? Is he looking for an ego rub or is he lonely or just enjoying the banter.
I've no sexual interest in him. In fact I find I'm trying to distance myself at work as he will often pop into my office and sit himself at the edge of my desk for a chat.
Or perhaps he feels he can be friendlier or make more contact given that my relationship is over? Odd one ?

If this was the long term partner posting, the normal reply would be that he’s in an emotional relationship with you (and maybe more). That amount of texting is over the top, especially not mentioning her, and/or the inappropriate reels.

From your point of view, do you respond to his texts, or ignore? If you respond, you could be seen as encouraging his interest, and he may think you enjoy his contact.

I think you need to make it clear to him that you do not welcome these daily texts, however well meaning, and you’d like to keep your friendship within work only.

If he continues then maybe speak to hr. I actually think him sitting on your desk is overstepping the mark (and patronising)so I think you should clearly say to him that your desk is for working, not sitting on. I also think the whole situation could be seen as harassment, as you’re not consenting to it.

I respond 50:50. If it's work related I always do. If it's funny I also do but much if the messages are boring and samey.

Sorry, I think you’re minimising his behaviour here. Yes, he may genuinely be one of those men that likes woman, but most don’t text work colleagues every night and send inappropriate (there’s a clue in that word) texts. Also, he has a partner - she should be his priority, not you. How would you feel if your bf text another woman EVERY night. And feeling lonely? Why does that make it alrightEven if he was, it’s not your problem to fix.

He sounds a bit like a perv to me with his inappropriate reels, sitting on your desk, etc, which is heavily disguised by his charismatic nature.

He's hitting on you in a deeply creepy way.

I'd block him.

It’s very clearly and unambiguously inappropriate.

If you are really unable to tell him to stop then you urgently need to work on your boundaries. Read up about it or go to counselling.

An alternative to telling him directly to stop is to grey rock him. Just be very distant and unresponsive for a long time until he gets the message.

Why do you not feel you can just state "I'm uncomfortable with the volume and content of your messages, can we please keep it to work-only texts going forward?"

If it's too outrageous, block him, if you feel worried about blocking, send some variation on the above.

It doesn't need to be this complicated.

Don't worry about his perceived popularity - just sit with your own feelings about him. How do YOU feel about his interactions with YOU. This is about YOU.

Make up your own mind. How do you feel about this situation? Just sit with it because Step 1 is figuring out why you are confused and don't know how to act. This is YOUR life. Start there.

Predatory man.

Get your boundaries in place.
He's overstepping the mark and relying on you being 'nice' for him to bully you into a friendship and then ...

Wolf in sheeps clothing, killing you with kindness.
He needs to back off, he's not nice, see through him.

@buthowdoyouknow he. Is. Not. Your. Friend.

he is a creepy work colleague being overly familiar with you.

does he act this familiar with all men and women or just a certain few? If he is with others what’s the similar factor between you all?

he’s getting a kick from having this ‘thing’ with you. Even if it never becomes physical, Romantic etc.

it’s inappropriate for you and the workplace. It’s most certainly inappropriate to his partner.

stop engaging and responding to messages outside of work. If he asks just give non committal noises about being busy. Don’t share loads of personal stories about what you’ve been up to.

start making your tone more about work when he approaches you in the work place.

start being too busy to talk etc

he’ll eventually get the message and move on.

it’s basically grey rock technique.

or start asking him lots of questions about his partner. When can you meet them, where do they hang out. I’d contemplate getting utterly fascinated solely by their other half and see how they handle that. Maybe not actually… stick to grey rock…

Respect for your ex, but not for you. Tells you all you need to know.
Why would he/it make your work life awful? Is he your boss? Bet you're not the woman he's done this too. Can you casually ask other women whether he's done this with them?

Just stop replying. If you stop giving him the attention he so craves, the creepy weirdo will quickly move on to his next target. His poor partner!!!

Why would you want to remain friends with someone who's untrustworthy with unclear intentions?

He’s not your mate he just fancies you and now he thinks he’s in with a chance. His poor girlfriend

I'd bring up his partner. If he's away on a trip etc and he hasn't mentioned her, "is Sarah with you? How's she enjoying the trip?""im well thanks, how already you and Sarah tonight?" "Have you and Sarah been anywhere nice recently?"

He might be conveniently hoping you forget she exists, so make. Point you haven't. He'll back off quick enough.

OP I have male friends who have become single whilst I've been single this last year and a bit. One was texting a bit too much and like yours I felt the vibe shife. I did say something a couple of times in a friendly way to make sure he knew where the boundary was. Definitely shift the focus of your convos to his partner, direct conversations back to how happy you are to have a friend like him who doesn't just want to be friends with you to see if he can get a shag, those sort of things will put him back in his place!

TBH despite you saying repeatedly you’re not sexually attracted to him, your post and replies feel different. You don’t sound as though you’re not interested when you discuss his personality and how his attention makes you feel. I’m not sure you’re being honest with yourself and that’s where the confusion lies in this post.

The fact you KNOW that this is off YET you still text him 50:50 is telling.

If your intentions are as clear as you’re claiming then do not reply. It’s not that difficult to cut outside contact with a colleague if you truly want that, you don’t need to have a conversation. Vague one word or emoji replies at best, thumbs up, leaving on read at worst. Show him you’re not interested. He’ll move to a new source of ego kibbles quickly.

I find it really sad that you believe he respected your relationship but clearly not his own and you still have any time for this creep.

Seriously I think you need some therapy to work on your boundaries

You seem to know this is inappropriate. But either don't care or lack the self esteem to stop it

All the bullshit about what's appropriate in a ltr. Your question should have been how to handle a lecherous Twat at work.

But if you are not interested in him why does it matter what his intentions are?

You seem to be very involved with him and overthinking this. If you really want him to stop, don’t reply to messages and at work keep asking him about his partner.

It matters to me because we are close friends and something has shifted.
I dislike confrontation and would hate to lose the friendship.
I am not overthinking. I feel that something is off but I'm not sure where the boundaries of friendship with this man lie.
I cannot say for certain that he is like this with every friend but he does have lots of female friends but for me it seems a little intense since the pace picked up.

I answer some messages. I ignore some of the other more sexual memes. These are not directed at me nor do I think they're for me. We share the same type of humour so maybe he is just being casual.

I will mute him this weekend and see what happens when we get back to the office on Monday.

Why are you so passive?

You set the boundaries for what's acceptable for you. You don't need to ask anyone what his intentions are, where he thinks the boundaries are. It's up to you

If he's made you feel uncomfortable he's crossed your boundary. So what are you going to do about it?

Personally I think you enjoy the attention.

To me he's an utter sleazeball.

This is not normal behaviour from him at all. He clearly fancies you and you need to find a way to let him know that the contact is making you uncomfortable.

When he next messages you would be a good time to do it.

He is a total creep!!!

And yes just don’t respond leave him on unread

So stop FFS.

Stop falling for this man's superficial charm.
He's using you for an ego boost because he reckons you're fair game now you're single.
Why that fact doesn't put you right off him & his "friendship" is beyond me.

PP have given you your best response - keep asking about his g/f. Especially when he messages you from their romantic getaways without mentioning her ...

Exactly, Agapornis! It's beyond frustrating that OP can't see how insulting this is to her.

I answer some messages. I ignore some of the other more sexual memes. These are not directed at me nor do I think they're for me. We share the same type of humour so maybe he is just being casual.

You what now?
He sends you sexual memes, & you kid yourself that ... he's not directing sexual memes at you?
Again - why did you not shut this shit down as soon as it started? "Why are you sending me inappropriate material? Don't do it again."
If you get pushback & bluster (I know you are worried about his 'plausible deniability' & easy charm) "I don't want to hear a load of crap about your motivations, I just want it to stop."

I promise you - the world doesn't end when you enforce a boundary.
Please order yourself a present - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208