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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners actions were last straw - what to do now

56 replies

Inamess28 · 08/03/2023 21:39

First time poster so please excuse if I get it wrong

Have been in relationship with partner for over 20 years and we have two children.
He is a difficult character at times. Quick to anger and vicious with his words.

Partner has become slightly obsessed with cars parking opposite our house - won’t go into details as they don’t really matter.

Anyway his annoyance is focused on one individual in particular and this evening after having been to pub, I witnessed him key the individual’s car. I was shocked and appalled and went straight out to challenge him. He ignored me and went up to bedroom.

I took kids and went to stay with my parents. It felt like enough is enough. Regardless of this incident he is not nice to me. Today he texted me to say die please die after going into a rage about something inconsequential.

I feel sick that he has done this and didn’t consider the consequences. Even though I didn’t do it, I feel responsible and anxious about what will happen in the morning.

Now we’re at my mums I don’t know what to do next.

what do others think?

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 08/03/2023 21:44

Report him to the police. He is a fucking vandal.

Singerleon · 08/03/2023 21:48

He messaged you telling you to ‘please die’?? This is not a good or safe man to be around in any shape or form. Please stay at your DMs and don’t return.

Dacadactyl · 08/03/2023 21:49

I think this is extreme behaviour. If he's not nice to you, why are you with him? How old are the kids? I'd be tempted to inform the neighbours that it was him who keyed their car, although it may not be worth the aggro for you.

billy1966 · 08/03/2023 22:24

He is utter scum.

Angry scum.

Well done for leaving.

Make it permanent.

Report him too.

Awful thing to do.

Onnabugeisha · 08/03/2023 22:27

I’m more worried about the ‘die, please die’ text than a bit of drunken vandalism. You & the children are most definitely are not safe in any house with him. You need to report the text to the police and get a nonmolestation order done.

Garrie · 08/03/2023 22:38

He doesn't sound well to me.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/03/2023 22:48

I'd talk to the police about him and show him the messages.

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 22:51

The man may be ill physically or mentally. Has it occurred to you that he may need to see a physician or a mental health provider? His behaviors sound troubling and may be related less to meanness and more to illness. His behavior may pose a threat to you but it sounds very much like something for which he should be seen by a physician or therapist.

Thelifeofawife · 08/03/2023 23:01

Have there been other things going on causing him stress? I only wonder as I know I get irked by nuisance neighbours more when I’m highly stressed about something else; the reality is that whatever they are doing is an annoyance not highly significant or detrimental to me in anyway.

Either way, he should not have said such a horrible thing to you and if he’s frequently not being nice to you then you do need to seriously think about whether you should be going back.
If you do decide to go back I’d be making it clear that what he said was unacceptable and he needs to get some counselling

WidthofaLine · 09/03/2023 03:23

A law unto himself.

Nimbostratus100 · 09/03/2023 04:45

report him to the police, and leave him

good luck xx

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2023 05:33

I also think you should speak to the police about everything and show them the messages. I would be scared as his behaviour appears to be escalating and not sure if you’re safe.

GoodChat · 09/03/2023 05:40

Can you stay with your parents? Are they supportive?

Fraaahnces · 09/03/2023 05:55

What did your parents say? Does he have drug or alcohol abuse issues? You obviously know this isn’t normal behaviour. I think you did the right thing taking your kids away from this man. In your shoes I would absolutely consider calling the police as everyone above has said, but I would be requesting an urgent welfare check as he sounds utterly unhinged. If they can’t find a medical/psychological reason for this behaviour, then he needs to be made legally accountable for the damage to the vehicle and for his verbal and text abuse of you. He’s not a safe person for you or the kids, is he?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2023 06:12

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 22:51

The man may be ill physically or mentally. Has it occurred to you that he may need to see a physician or a mental health provider? His behaviors sound troubling and may be related less to meanness and more to illness. His behavior may pose a threat to you but it sounds very much like something for which he should be seen by a physician or therapist.

Or he's just an abusive arsehole. Since the OP states he is often like this, it's not some kind of 'break' it's his normal.

I don't think I've ever seen a post by you that isn't somehow justifying unacceptable male behaviour. Violent, threatening, destructive behaviour in this case.

Bananalanacake · 09/03/2023 06:38

Even if he is mentally ill it is not the ops job to support him.

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 09/03/2023 06:44

Police police police

AgentJohnson · 09/03/2023 07:46

You stay at your mum’s house and report your H’s act of vandalism. Then you start the process of ending your marriage. This is who he is and he isn’t going to change.

As awful as the current situation is, the positive takeaway is it has forced you to distance yourself physically from this man.

mamnotmum · 09/03/2023 07:46

Nothing new to add just to say - everyone is right. Report him to the police. Show them the messages. Explain you are fearful he may hurt you; they will be able to help.

Saturdayafternoonnap · 09/03/2023 07:48

You definitely don't go back. Under any circumstances.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/03/2023 07:54

Your focus needs to be keeping you and your DC safe. I would plan to stay at your parents for a week minimum if that is feasible.

I would also contact womens aid to discuss your next steps. I feel like there is a lot of history that you haven’t set out in your OP that is relevant. Womens aid will be able to tell you your options and point you towards appropriate help. Best wishes

Seaoftroubles · 09/03/2023 09:03

Report the keying incident to the police. Dont think about returning, stay at your parents and see a solicitor to start divorce proceedings asap. I don't think he sounds mentally unwell but more likely just a nasty, angry man.

Naunet · 09/03/2023 09:22

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 22:51

The man may be ill physically or mentally. Has it occurred to you that he may need to see a physician or a mental health provider? His behaviors sound troubling and may be related less to meanness and more to illness. His behavior may pose a threat to you but it sounds very much like something for which he should be seen by a physician or therapist.

Has it occurred to you that he’s not a little boy and she is not his mummy and that she doesn’t owe it to him to put herself at risk in order to try and help him?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 09/03/2023 09:26

Mari9999 · 08/03/2023 22:51

The man may be ill physically or mentally. Has it occurred to you that he may need to see a physician or a mental health provider? His behaviors sound troubling and may be related less to meanness and more to illness. His behavior may pose a threat to you but it sounds very much like something for which he should be seen by a physician or therapist.

FFS we're not even off the first page yet & here's the obligatory handmaiden, posting to excuse an angry man's behaviour as illness.

OP's been with him for 20 years, I think she'd know if he was unwell.
He's not unwell, he just a standard domestic tyrant:
He is a difficult character at times. Quick to anger and vicious with his words.

Cleotolstoy · 09/03/2023 09:31

His behavior may pose a threat to you but it sounds very much like something for which he should be seen by a physician or therapist

It's not her job to navigate his needs. Even the right professionals have little to no success treating patients with the personality profile of her partner.

Op, your responsibilities lie with keeping you and your children physically and psychologically safe. Commit now to feeling no guilt about ending the relationship. People who love you wouldn't want you engaging with this person in unsafe ways. Document everything. Only have necessary contact with a third, safe person present.

It might not feel like it but you are at the start of a journey into a happier, lovlier life.